So, I'm pretty new to this site. I found it when researching some things on the internet and I certainly found it at a time I needed it most.
First, some background. I've had an anxiety disorder since I was 9 years old. Frequent panic attacks were sparked by a sudden cross-country move (my family moved from California to Kentucky in a few weeks notice), and well, they never really went away. When I was young I developed emetophobia, a fear of vomiting. In that developed agoraphobia and strict eating habits - I couldn't eat at restaurants or with other people, and basically stuck to a diet of peanut butter sandwiches - the best way, in my mind, to avoid food borne illnesses. I heavily struggled with my GAD all the way into high school. At my lowest point, I couldn't even leave the house to go to school. I developed trichotillomania as a way of dealing with my anxiety (compulsive hair pulling). My parents were amazingly supportive, but unsure of what to do. I was put on different medications, tried different therapists, even went to an outpatient program at a Children's Hospital psychiatric unit. Nothing seemed to make it better.
Then, alas, I went to a 2-week agoraphobia clinic in Chicago. They focused on heavy CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and exposed me to everything I was afraid of - elevators, videos of people vomiting, long car rides, eating in public, eating fast food - the works. And the best part is...I IMPROVED. I came home a new woman, determined to enjoy my upcoming college life and get off the Zoloft for good.
The next 5 years were amazing. I transformed myself into a person that I never thought I could be. I decided that my anxiety couldn't defeat me, but I could defeat IT. I wanted to make a fool out of my anxiety - just like my anxiety had made a fool out of me so many times. I became a confident, daring, adventurous person who loved life. I traveled to Costa Rica by myself to meet up with a friend who was studying abroad. I took surf lessons and stayed in a hostel in a foreign country. I became a Correctional Officer and volunteered to go first at the academy to be pepper sprayed in my eyes. I might add that during my time as a CO, I became infamous for one of the few people that could easily deal with puke and body fluids. I traveled often, ate sushi on a weekly basis, and never worried about
what "might be." I dared myself to do something each day I was afraid of. And I became the absolute opposite of the anxious person I used to be.
Now, I'm in my early 20s and have been living, up to now, what I considered to be my personal dream life. I met my fiancé two years ago while we were out with friends. We went out often, traveled to Cancun and California, and socialized every chance we could get. We moved in together about
a year ago...the same time I got a new job as a Children's Services Investigator. I got in with a specialized unit - sex abuse and fatalities. I felt like I was making a difference with my career and everything was going great for me.
I got engaged to be married last month. We also bought a new house, which we close on this week, actually. But the weekend following our engagement, something changed in me. My family believes it was the growing stress from my job - working in a broken system, overloaded with cases of hurt children, and constantly seeing the bad side of people in everything I did. It didn't help that my job required me to be confrontational in dangerous situations - I was in people's homes, unarmed, alone, and going head-to-head with people who didn't want to hear my opinion on how they treated their children. It would have been anxious for someone without a pre-existing GAD, no doubt.
Anyways, I came down with what I thought was the flu. I was in bed for days. It finally became clear that I wasn't getting much better. I was suffering from nausea, stomach gurgling, fullness, bloating, and bowel movement issues. On top of that, I was chronically fatigued, was suffering from weekly debilitating migraines, and felt dizzy or off-balanced often. I dropped 17 pounds in 2 months. Although my fear of vomiting was nowhere what it used to be, it seemed that being chronically sick for weeks sparked my health anxiety right back into full gear.
I sensed myself being pulled back into the anxiety trap. I stopped eating my favorite foods (I basically almost stopped eating altogether). I started living on plain chicken, crackers, and water. I didn't leave my house for weeks. I had to quit my job because I couldn't fathom being able to go back to work. I started having anxiety every time I got in the car - I barely made it to my doctor appointments. I had to undergo an endoscopy and colonoscopy to rule out serious illnesses. I've been diagnosed with IBS - with an attack that was likely triggered by stress. My fiancé has seen a side of me I hoped he never would - a scared, panicky, manic person.
We stopped going out to eat. We stopped going out with our friends. He's a nurse, and has had to hear me ask everyday if he could feel my forehead for a fever. I stopped eating with him at the table. I became a different person then the person he met. And as every person with anxiety knows...it's so hard to explain the struggle of anxiety with someone who doesn't have it. And you can't expect them to understand it. You can just hope for their support.
Now, I know the right answers. I've suffered from anxiety long enough to know what I need to do. CBT works, tried and true. I have to force myself to do the things I'm nervous about
. After suffering from panic attacks every time I got in my car, I knew I had to nip that at the start and I did, for the most part. The car rides have gotten much easier. Last night, I went to my favorite sushi restaurant with my fiancé for dinner for the first time since our engagement. I didn't eat much - only a few pieces - but I knew how important it was for him and for myself to go and just be present. I have been trying to eat more, even though the "fullness" feeling is enough to send me into a panic attack. But all-in-all, I look at my life from the outside and I'm so disappointed in who I've become. I'm dependent on my parents and fiancé, I used to be career-oriented but am now unemployed, I'm emotional, perhaps slightly depressed, and am unsure of where to go from here.
I want to tell myself that things will naturally get better, as long as I force myself to experience new things and face my anxiety. The thing is, though, that I want to ENJOY life. I don't want my life to be something I "force" myself to do. My fiancé is so supportive, and this is one thing I've explained to him many times when I tell him I don't want to go somewhere. I don't want to make myself go somewhere and hate every second of it because I'm trying to control the impending panic attack...I want to go and have fun and enjoy every second of it. My fiancé loves me and is trying his best to be understanding...but I know that this will take its toll on our relationship eventually.
I'm just in need of some support of people who really understand this battle. I don't want to succumb to it, but I'm really struggling with finding some positivity here.
Thanks for reading.
Post Edited (singolia) : 4/12/2015 9:41:19 PM (GMT-6)