Having a hard time....

Park, anytime you feel in need to talk go to my profile and use my email, the minute i see you i will answer
and we can talk, I am 73 year old man with a life time of stress that seems to be behind me, i will help
anyway i can, Peace

Larry ***

we are here for you. we care. many healing thoughts.

Park, you got my info on Facebook I'm available all day long, my email is also in my profile. I am disabled so I sit at my computer most the day, if I don't reply right away I will within a hour, probably just ran to the grocery store for my mom or at therapy. Please don't think of it as bothering, I'm here for you anytime you need to talk.

I'm so sorry you don't feel comfortable posting on HW I wish I could calm your fear and tell you that no one is judging you and it's a safe place to vent, so if you need to vent, then go ahead.

Thank you all for offering to let me use this as a place to vent.

M2G&Q, I think we are sort of in similar places. I'm sorry you're fearful of reliving last summer. Lord knows I've had those fears. I'm trying to look forward to this summer and to think that I'll make it extra special so that I can make up for all that time I missed last summer, just walking around with that cloud over my head.

For me, I have all sorts of weird things floating through my head. A year ago my husband and I were consulting with our doctor to start IVF again. SO excited! And now here I am, 2 weeks past my April 11th due date with that baby. I had it in my head that I would start to feel better once the due date came and went and now I've realized just how wrong that is. Instead, I think about what we would have been doing for the past two weeks. My husband would've had off work and we'd all be home getting to know our new baby girl. So ok, that is clearly hard and what I've realized is, I think it always will be. It's not like that baby was unwanted. Anxiety stole a dream from me. I mean good grief, I had a meltdown.

So now here I am. 8 months after the end of that pregnancy and my mind is all jumbled. I want another baby. 110%. I also wish I could just have that baby back, but that's unproductive. I also am not healed from panic, but based on what my therapist says, I never will be. You don't cure panic; you learn how to live with and manage it.

There's just a lot of things going through my head right now. Grief, hope, fear, regret and just the usual panic stuff. I couldn't begin to get it all out of I tried. I just needed a place to vent it.

On a positive note, my husband and I are meeting with a new fertility doctor in our practice in about a month. I am thrilled. She knows my story and sent me the most glorious email. The very first thing she said to me was that I am not the first in this situation and that I won't be the last. My mind was blown. She said she was sorry for my loss and to only look forward and she ended it by sending me big hugs and saying she looked forward to working with us. I cried a million tears and cannot wait to meet with her! We're just going in for a consult. We still have a big picture plan that doesn't involve IVF again until 2016, but we may have some more natural options and that excites me.

So you can see....I'm on a wild roller coaster ride of emotions and on top of those, I still have the same daily fears that I always have. Panic attacks. Sigh. I could ramble on forever, but you get it.

Thanks so much!!! I'm so excited to meet her. She has two extra special things going for her. 1. Her children were born via IVF, so she knows the struggle and 2. She is a female!!! This is by no means a jab at all of the wonderful, loving men out there, but I have a feeling her understanding of how hormones can impact a woman is going to make her much more understanding of my experience. All of her reviews speak to her compassion and I'm just so happy to meet her.

Sometimes I wish we could cuss up a storm on HW, so I could really put out there, how much I hated last summer!! I'm just thankful to have found all of you, to have had the husband I have and to have had my xanax to help carry me through. That medication got me back out of my house and I am so thankful for that.

Now with a new therapist I have even higher hopes for the coming year.

Thanks for all your understanding M2G&Q. It has been greatly appreciated!

Thanks, Lisa. Funny you should say that. I was thinking to myself today that I'm not doing enough with my coping skills during the day. Maybe I'll do one now!

Thank you, S.C.

I have consulted with specific counsellors on going through this type of grief process and it seems that it will just be a roller coaster ride. It's complicated for many to understand, because the situation is somewhat unique. I did find some women in similar situations on a board specific to pregnancy, but I found that board to be unproductive because it is really a place that women go and are simply told that it's ok to have done what they did. I'm not really looking for that I don't even want that kind of encouragement.

Here and to my therapist are the places that I've felt most comfortable sharing, for the most part.

Thanks. That's certainly my hope. :)

Thanks, Mama! I like your attitude! ;)

Thank you, Hibee. Your support means a lot to me. I appreciate it.

Thank you, Weary.

I've prayed about this probably daily since before it even happened. I've since asked for forgiveness and I've stopped asking because I truly believe that you're right. God works in mysterious ways and I believe he has forgiven me, most definitely. Unfortunately I still struggle personally.

I think I will probably always struggle with this particular issue, because it's changed the course of my life. I'm working on not getting down on myself and not judging myself for being a person who had a "breakdown" if you will.

I think it's going to just continue to take time.

Thanks again for your support. It's much appreciated.

Yay! Thanks for letting me know! ;)