Posted 5/11/2015 3:21 AM (GMT 0)
I'm trying to come out of a panic attack right now. It has been the longest and scariest I've had in a while. And the worst part is that it came out of nowhere, after a perfect, happy day.
I was so proud of myself today, my father in law, the only remaining grandparent of my girls, called us this morning and invited us to go to a beach club, about an hour away. Usually I would say no, make up an excuse, but I decided not to, my girls would love to go, I thought. But going to an unknown place, far from my house, far from the hospital is not something I enjoy. We went, and although I had moments of anxiety they were brief and manageable. We had a very nice time, and I felt so good about myself. We got home and I started getting a headache, that is usually a trigger for me, any ache, illness or symptom is a trigger for me. I started thinking about the cause of my headache and thought it's probably my teeth grinding (bruxism), I've had chronic bruxism since the first day I took Lexapro, and that side effect never went away. So i googled bruxism's side effects, even though I know that headaches ARE a symptom, just wanted to reassure myself, I found that and also that bruxism causes dizziness and vertigo, I thought wow I never knew that! I have CONSTANT dizziness, actually being dizzy is the worst thing for me, I don't know why but feeling dizzy is the scariest thing for me. Well, I decided to stop the googling and continue to have a good rest of the day, after a while I was laughing and making jokes with my husband and oldest daughter. And then, suddenly, I started feeling lightheaded and out of focus, didn't think much of it and went to bed and as soon as I put my head on the pillow everything started spinning, I started feeling so warm and hot and nauseous, I have never fainted but I felt as if I was about to faint. Panic came rushing in of course. I told my husband Im sick, something's wrong, and I could see my husband's face like "here we go again". I really did not want to upset him, I really feel sick, it is not just in my mind. And he says I know you are feeling all of those things, and I also know there is nothing wrong with you, and I can tell he's annoyed even though he is doing everything to try and calm me down.
I hate this,I hate the fact that I feel trapped, scared, sick and anxious all the time. I hate that I have to celebrate the fact that I decided to accept and invitation to do something fun, as if that's a big deal. I hate that I can't have a headache or feel dizzy without it turning into a full blown panic attack. I hate that I still don't know if it's a panic attack or if I'm really sick. I hate that I know I won't want to go to work tomorrow 'cause I'll still be scared.
I want to be free again.
I could use a hug right now.