Posted 5/20/2015 3:52 AM (GMT 0)
Hello everyone and anyone out there who might take the time to read this, my name's Phillip. This is new for me, talking about ocd/anxiety/panic attacks and like you Im here for a reason. Its good to share and relate to other people with similar circumstances but my primary purpose is to comfort and provide hope to those who feel hopless and are suffering greatly from whatever anxiety disorder they own. To sum up my story, it all started when I was 8 ( im currently 39) I believe many people with ocd can point to a particular instance in time that triggered what was until then dormant. I was rummaging through my parents room, ate some pills, confessed to my parents what I had done. my father began teasing me, saying I had ate poisen. Well from that day on I was convinced everything I touched was poisen. I began washing my hands till they were raw. Id constantly ask for assurances from my parents that I was okay. Over the years it went from washing to checking, counting numbers, complex prayer rituals, entering and exiting buildings, cars, wherever with my right foot first, having good and bad numbers, and of course asking for assurances, not for me but for my loved ones. if I didn't ask them if they were okay than something horrible would happen and it would be a result of my resistance to compulisive thoughts and actions. I didn't understand what was wrong, didn't even think anything was wrong, I grew up thinking this was normal. by my mid-20's all these endless rituals and routines began to morph into something new. One day at work my heart started pounding. I made the mistake of going to the pharmacy in my store and had a machine take my pulse. which was close to 140, and it stayed there for hours. I of course was completely convinced my life was ending that day, I left work, didn't bother telling anyone I was leaving, just left in a complete panic to the emergency room. after an ekg they told me nothing was wrong, i was just stressed and sent me on my way. I spent the next 2 years having daily panic attacks, constantly on guard and dreading the next one, sleep was almost impossible and I had no idea what was going on. Maybe I was being punished? was i neglecting my rituals or missing something? in 2000, after my first ambulance ride someone finally mentioned the words "panic attack", which I never heard before. the ER nurse gave me xanax, which was an absolute godsend at the time and suggested getting help. my primary care doctor did what primary care doctors do, prescribe. i first tried paxcil, then zoloft, prozac, you name it I tried it, but the side effects were to much for me. One day I had a panic attack hit out of nowhere, a bad one. going through the usual "this is it" pure fear process, I tried something different. I thought, if this is my time, I can't change it and no rituals or routines will save me, so I accepted my presumed fate. all the dread and fear lifted and never came back, at least not in the form of a panic attack, for over 10 years. I went to a phycologist who diagnosed my ocd and through cognitive therapy, I improved greatly. I've accepted that ill never truly be 100% rid of ocd or anxiety disorder but instead have learned to live with it, knowing what it is and understanding it. that is the important part for me. understanding its in my control, I decide, sometimes sub-consciencely, if I will or wont do an ocd ritual, if ill allow my thoughts to spark a panic attack. no medicine can take that away, its up to you. It can be scary to think about, there's a very thin line between fear and control, and im not always on the winning side of these mental battles, but whats the alternative? There is no alternative because anxiety, in whatever form, can't physically hurt you and no one's died from ocd or a panic attack. for us words and even our very thoughts can become some kind of struggle for sanity,but you can never lose. you can't, physically it's impossible, only mentally and its all about how you choose to fight. if your tired of daily panic attacks, fearing for your life every moment and dreading the future, its time to act. don't wait 3 decades like I did. if I can get better, you can. life without ocd? what would that feel like? ill never know cause it will always be with me, but ill always be able to see it for what it is, recognize it, visualize it right in front of you and then move on. I understand these things are far more complex than can be written in a single post, and trying to put 30 years of experience in a very long paragraph isn't possible. sorry this was so long, but it always feels good to talk to those who understand. if anyone would like to chat feel free 😀