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Issues With My Dad

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Posted 7/3/2015 7:04 PM (GMT 0)
Hi all,
I haven't spoken about this on HW yet, but today I feel like I have to because it's a huge source of stress and anxiety.
I recently found out my dad has been struggling with cocaine and alcohol issues for the past few years now. I noticed a change in his behavior but never really thought much of it, and chalked it up to the stress after my parents' divorce, but when my mom told me it was because of his drug usage, it all made sense.
Allegedly, he's been "sober" for a few months now, goes to AA meetings, has a sponsor that he speaks to regularly, and goes through the motions. But I found out, again through my mom, that this is a lie. He hasn't been sober this entire time, and is in complete denial about his behavior. My dad is a narcissist, a really really kind and generous one, but is so wrapped up in himself that he can't see that his problem is really a problem. My mom has allocated me the task of finding him a rehab to go to, but I've tried to have talks with him about his drug usage before and he changes the subject. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to suggest he go to rehab if he can't even admit he has a problem.
I grew up pretty comfortably for most of my childhood, but I was just informed that my dad blew my trust fund on drugs and paying off his ex girlfriend's apartment, leaving me with no money for my last semester of school.
I will have to apply for private student loans, which is okay, I know I can do it, but it's just stressful and hard.
Ugh.
Posted 7/3/2015 7:26 PM (GMT 0)
Sophie,

Firstly, hello. I love you. <3

Did your mom make you aware of all these things because she was angry or because she was concerned? At times, there are things I wish I didn't know about one parent or the other that I feel I was informed of just because the other parent was being spiteful. I don't know... it's weird.

The fact he will not acknowledge he has a problem will make things especially difficult as you have already stated. I imagine this addiction is similar to nicotine addiction or any other... the person has to want to change. Maybe he does realize it, but just doesn't want to admit it because you said he always changes the subject if you bring it up. As hard as it was to stand up to my dad, I know I could do it if I had to for both our sakes. Don't let him change the subject. If he gets angry, so be it.

There may be a bright side to him blowing your trust fund. In regard to his problem, it might give you a leg to stand on. "Dad, you spent all the money I needed for SCHOOL on drugs and your ex-girlfriend."

Is your school public or private? Hopefully a semester won't sting your wallet too much.
Posted 7/3/2015 9:25 PM (GMT 0)
{{{{{Blu's Mama}}}}}

I'm so sorry you are going thru this, this is something no child no matter how old should have to deal with.

Let me tell you from my own experience, Nothing and I repeat nothing you do or say is going to make him to go to rehab if he isn't ready. I did drugs for over 10 years starting at the age of 13, I did hard stuff like your dad and also drank everyday. I quit cause it was affecting on how I mother my children (I was clean while pregnant thank god) but I was a lousy mom and it was showing with my kids. So I quit, I was ready and it was MY decision. I went to detox, and rehab and did AA and NA for over a year, sometimes 3 or 4 meetings a day. It's been 26 years this past April that I quit.

I know you love your dad, and please do find him a rehab he can go too. But you can't make him go and neither can anyone else, until he is ready to change. Maybe having a heart to heart talk with him and just leave the info on his coffee table will be enough of a seed for him to see he has a problem. But don't hold your breathe and if it doesn't work, do not think it's anything you did or didn't do. Hugs.
Posted 7/3/2015 9:29 PM (GMT 0)
Blu's,

I'm really sorry to hear of your dad's addiction issues...and of course how you are affected by it.:(

I understand this firsthand as my dad was an alcoholic..and please know my e-mail is open to you anytime you might want to talk through things.

With empathy,

S.C.
Posted 7/3/2015 9:39 PM (GMT 0)
Mama,

I'm so sorry to hear this. This is quite the position that you've been put in....

I think Lisa gave you some great advice. Do find him a rehab facility and do have a heart to heart with him, but the reality is that he will have to be ready and willing to get himself help. Addictions are a beast all their own.

We're all here to support you and send you hugs when this is hard!

😘
Posted 7/4/2015 4:12 AM (GMT 0)
John, I love you more. Thank you for your sweet words. At first I thought she was just being spiteful because she happens to do this when she feels stressed in her own life, but I think she's actually hid it from me for a long time and now it's just gotten to the point where it's really out of control and she needs my help. At least I hope that's why she told me, even though there's a part of me that just wishes I didn't know. My mom, my uncles, and I are planning an intervention soon. He needs desperately to do inpatient. I never thought I'd have to deal with this with my dad. When I was growing up he was so hard on me about never getting caught up with any of that stuff...
School is private and costs a pretty penny per semester. But, there are options and I'll figure it out. That's the thing about women--we're survivors ;)
I love love love you.

Lisa,
Congratulations on 26 years. That's a great accomplishment and a great success. It means a lot to have your input.I know he won't go until he realizes he's at his rock bottom. I've always struggled to find my role in his addiction issues, but in reality, I don't have one. Like you said, it's nothing I've done, or didn't do.

SC,
Yes, it's rough. Especially since I'm an only child and I often times feel like I have no one to lean on other than my mom who, more times than not, can be dramatic and often increases the stress of the situation.

Park,
Thanks girl. Appreciate your support always. Coming here is the only thing that is keeping me sane right now.

XO to all
Posted 7/4/2015 7:26 AM (GMT 0)
Blu, great experiences and advices you received above.

First, I'm really sorry you are going through this, it can be quite a stress factor.

My dad struggled against alcoholism but before he quit and started therapy it took very long time for him to decide.
We as a family fought against him, talked to to him for many years about his bad habit. As your father's case, he would be the only one to decide it. This is the hardest part. I totally understand you because whatever we did, nothing worked. Until my father decided it by himself one day.

I really do hope you won't have much stress. But my recommendation would be calmly searching for a therapist for him and make an offer. If he is going to listen, he will. If not, there is nothing you can do further.
I am really wishing you luck.
Think about it like that, after you do your part, it will be up to him. That's all... But meanwhile you can try talking to your mother, supporting her in many ways.

I am sending patience and lots of healing <3 *hug*
Posted 7/4/2015 11:07 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Blu

Sorry to hear you are going through this as the others have mentioned this can be a stressor.


I think all you can do is find him a rehab and have a heart to heart with him and see if he is willing to goto rehab and that if he does you will be their for him to support him as it will be hard. It really is up to your dad to want to change and he may not be ready at the moment. The problem is if you goto rehab not fully committed the chance is it will not be successful.

I had a serious drug problem right through my late teens and through my 20's and ended up in a very dark place before coming to the realisation that I need to stop. Sometimes when your confronted with what you have to lose if you continue walking the path you have chosen is enough to make you change your ways.

I hope you can get your dad the help he needs and know that we are here for you so keep us posted.

Hibee
Posted 7/5/2015 5:18 PM (GMT 0)
Sophie,

I'm always there for you for anything. I hope when I upgrade my phone, I can activate the feature that will allow you to call at any time if you need me.

The fact your mom is likely doing this for everyone's good pleases me. There comes a point in every child's life when it is realized our parents are mortal human like everyone else and that they are not superhuman. It took me a long time to see the proverbial kinks in my dad's armor. It so turns out our parents will need us as much as we need them. Unfortunately, the time you are needed has been vastly sped up. My grandmother didn't need my mom until in her 70s probably. It is good, albeit hypocritical, of your father to teach you to not get involved with that stuff. A parent's golden rule is, "Do as I say, not as I do." It is what it is. Please keep me posted on how you do with school. I don't have a lot of money, but would be happy to send what I could if it would help you out and I wouldn't think twice about it. I love, love, love you, too.
Posted 7/5/2015 11:01 PM (GMT 0)
John,
You're one of the best guys I know. As far as schooling goes, still trying to figure it out. Thinking of going for my real estate license <3
Posted 7/6/2015 12:57 AM (GMT 0)
I am so sorry! That's all I've got, but I really am so sorry you're dealing with this.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted 7/6/2015 1:52 AM (GMT 0)
Sophie,

You will be tired of me within minutes in October. Hehe. Do you want to sell or appraise? My dad was an appraiser. I took the class, passed the test, but I didn't take the state exam. Why? I'm not sure.
Posted 7/6/2015 3:02 AM (GMT 0)
I can totally relate to you. My dad is an alcoholic and my mom is finally divorcing him because of it. She's put up with a lot, as have my sister and I. Sending hugs!
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