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Feeling horrible about myself

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Posted 9/15/2015 12:23 AM (GMT 0)
I haven't been on here in a few weeks. I am feeling very depressed lately. I ended the relationship I was in because I couldn't take the anxiety and dread I felt abynore. It was short and only a month long but he is one of my friends and we have mutual friends as well. He was hurt and I just know I cant be in a relationship right now and need to work on myself. I feel terrible about hurting him and I truly care so much. We agreed to stay friends and that we care about each other. Problem is is that I have attachment issues and I am crying over the lost relationship and him. I have become obsessed with him and idealizing him. I did this before we started dating as well. I often develop a fantasy in my head early on and i often find myself not happy when im actually with the person. It is a pattern for me and has been done in many relationships. Everything just feels so distant now and I feel like I've lost him. I have a lot of trouble with breaking away especially if you've been talking everyday and also harder knowing were in the same group of friends. I have hardly wanted to do anything lately and have felt so upset with myself. I have regrets about not taking care of this issue in the past. I'm now in my 30s and I want to move forward and have a happy relationship that can lead to marriage and children eventually. I know I cant go backwards but I am so hard on myself and I know I have a lot of work to do. I am on meds and in therapy for years. I have bought books about attachment and self compassion and i am readinf them currently. Most of you probably won't understand... but if any of you have attachment issues hopefully you will understand the pain I am in. I know I need to be patient but I feel like nothing will ever change and now I feel like I lost friends in the process even though I did nothing purposely. Please if you have any experience with this, make me feel like I'm not alone and everything will be ok. I am really struggling. 
Posted 9/15/2015 2:42 AM (GMT 0)
I idealized all of my boyfriends before I dated them, and then once we started dating it was like they weren't quite up to the imaginary details I had filled in beforehand. I would say that's pretty normal for most people.

I also have attachment issues. I dated one guy in college who seemed perfect on paper. He was super smart, funny, nice, and very caring. I always thought I would marry my college sweetheart and it just seemed like he would be that guy. But something wasn't quite right and I didn't want to stay with him... except that I kind of did, because he was awesome. We ended up breaking up after two years, but I made him promise me that if neither of us were married by age 40, we would marry each other. haha, pretty silly, eh?

I think one important thing to note is that the reason you broke up with him is because of your depression/anxiety and not because of him. I couldn't possibly fathom having to maintain a dating relationship when I was really depressed. I would venture to say it is normal for a human who has so much of their personality and "life" drained from them when they are depressed, that there really isn't a whole lot of room for love or romance.

I wouldn't be so hard on yourself for not being able to maintain a dating relationship. If you are open and honest with him and just tell him you're too sad to date right now, or put it in some way he can understand, I am sure things can be okay with him.

I hope you don't feel so alone... a lot of what you said sounds a lot like me, and I'm pretty sure others will agree when they read what you wrote, too.

-Cat
Posted 9/15/2015 2:47 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks so much Cat. Do you still have these attachment issues? We're you able to get married?
Posted 9/15/2015 3:17 AM (GMT 0)
I was able to get married, yes. I started dating my husband when I was 26 and we got along great... but for some reason I didn't want to marry him. He was extremely patient and waited for me to come around. I don't know exactly why I couldn't say 'yes' sooner... it was just too much pressure and I got panic attacks every time I thought about taking that next step. But after 7 years I finally decided to marry him, so we got married almost exactly 8 years after our first date. We have been together for 7 more years now (I am 41). He's a great guy and I don't regret anything!

I have attachment issues, but they are to my husband. So... I guess that makes it okay, right? :)
Posted 9/15/2015 4:16 AM (GMT 0)

TTHH,

I am sorry you are feeling unsure about things at the moment...break ups are always hard.

However, I think you were wise to come to the realization that you need to take time to work on YOU right now.

Some people do not see this as an important step in their personal growth, and go from one failed relationship to the next.

You will go into your next one, ready...and it will be right...and you will be glad you took the time and effort to have worked through things.:)

Hugs and high fives!

S.C.

Posted 9/15/2015 8:26 AM (GMT 0)
Hi

Sorry to hear you are having tough time at the moment break up's are tough times.

I think you are right though and you need the time to work on you and it is good that you have remained friends as I am sure he will be there to support you.

Keep us posted.

Hibee
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