Hello

Really tried my best to stay off of here and never thought I would have to return. Been doing well able to manage anxiety on my own, no medicine or anything just breathing and self talk all the positive things I learned in CBT. Guess I am going to have to return to counseling, really don't want to but feel myself returning back to where I was years ago and I just cannot have that.
What brings me back, well one thing is I know this is a non judgmental family oriented environment and I am literally suffering in silence because I don't want to be laugh at by family etcetera. Because where I come from if you show your true emotions, I feel some see it as a weakness and not being strong enough and in today's church many put up a strong front from fear of judgment and being looked down on but as I recognized I am having anxiety attacks again and barely able to think clearly at times I come here seeking support.
Almost a week ago I lost my sister hadn't talked to her in a while and I am going through grief, she died 4 days after my birthday and I am hurt for so many reasons one is I never got to say anything else when I had the opportunity to. Because I just didn't want to deal with any stress, because at times she wasn't easy to get a long with but I genuinely loved her and just hate I didn't say anything. It hurts when I think how she reached out to me on social-media with a request and I did add her, but she never said nothing so I just left well enough alone but when I look back it is the hardest lesson I had to learn. Now I am a mess for many reasons, I just suffered a loss before this a bad friendship break up but yet I got through it and made it right with that person who hurt me. I should've done the same with her. But just got tired of always fixing her mistakes, am I wrong? I feel like I am and feel like pride(I wasn't wrong) got in the way and she should've said something but now it is too late. And I just don't know where to start to heal and get my mind back in order, and anxiety/panic back under control this is a lot to deal with I literally want to scream and run from everything.

Hi kid, good to hear from you but wish it was under different circumstances.
What you have gone through would cause anyone to have some problems and i think it may well be normal for you to react so.
"Remember the song, Just as I am", I know you do, think about it, you already know what you need to do to get past this problem. Your Sister is no longer in any kind of pain and she knows well how you are hurting, and yes She has completely Forgiven you and Herself for all earthly offences, Now Forgive yourself so you can do what you were put here on earth to do.
We all Love You! Peace
Larry ***