Posted 4/19/2016 4:13 PM (GMT 0)
Been up early today just reflecting over my life and all I know is change needs to happen soon. I became my own therapist just going back as far as I can remember, to truly understand why has my life been a living hell and full of more pain, hurt, misunderstanding, and so many ups and downs and why I have lost so much. I became mentally unstable officially at 14 off and on dealing with anxiety and depression, 17 years of my life I cannot get back because of anxiety that has been so severe it has crippled me many times. Where did the anxiety come from for me it came when I started losing family members back to back, I was one of those kids that thought we all live forever if we all search deep within truth is anxiety is PTSD and the big reason for many is the fear of death(the unknown) I've had friends who have stressed it and many people live with it in secret. Because they don't want people to laugh at them or be stigmatized as crazy, I pray this is still a judgment free zone as I am sharing my story with hope that people on here who maybe new to anxiety. And haven't been dealing with it for many years like me are able to pull strength from my story, I hate what anxiety does to people and how the fear literally is robbery of our lives. Anxiety is selfish but fact is we have more control than anxiety sometimes allow us to believe we have. I searched even further in my mind seeing how it goes back further, it didn't just start at 14 I believe it just progressed and got worse from something that happened in my brain at birth. That caused a lot of dysfunction later on in life a unbalanced effect, and then being abused mentally and physically by a member of the family(I've never talked about this on here) and then when I tried to confide in my mother she didn't believe me. Part of the reason today I believe we're not close and never really have been I feel, and then there is times I feel like she resents me for the health problems I was born with. In and out of hospitals and surgery after surgery just things no child should ever have to go through. That added to anxiety that would begin to ruin my life and a absentee father who I wished was around, I feel like if he was I would've probably been more stronger and wiser later on in life and wouldn't have allowed men to abuse me mentally, physically, and use me I for a long time wasn't strong enough and never should've been with men to start with a lost little girl searching for love in all the wrong places when my only wish. Is that I could've got it from my father. I allowed people to take from me too being bullied in school, because of a birth defect I had no control over I didn't ask to be born the way I was bullied so bad had anxiety about going to school it messed me up mentally too and I couldn't take it anymore. So I dropped out in 9th grade in my early 30s with no education, I mean I've lost so much due to people and anxiety and I get so angry when I look back because I literally have nothing. Other than memories of being used, abused, neglected, outcast, and hurt by many people most of all family who judge me and just don't understand it is no help. I beat myself up for not being mentally strong enough, because I feel I would have more to my name if I hadn't allowed people and fear take from me. It is so hard because I want more, and I deserve more and cannot get back what has been stolen I literally hate myself so much for being so weak. Too trustworthy when it came to people especially loser men, who only wanted to use me and I was too blind to see it and always ignored the warning signs I am smart but have been very weak at times. And being mentally and emotionally weak cost me a lot, I write all this and this is only half to say everyone on here that has been dealing with anxiety I salute you and you're strong and brave. And you can beat this we are already beating it and anxiety won't win, things maybe tough right now but we must continue to dig deep and keep on fighting. I just want better for myself and have good to out way all the bad and I will have better, I am determined to beat this completely and told anxiety it will no longer win or take anymore from me. And to the people who mistreated or mistreat me, I must forgive completely because I refuse to allow anxiety or people to have anymore power and I refuse to let anyone use me anymore. I've always been selfless and too trustworthy, but know I must draw the line because most people even some family have proven they cannot be trusted and stabbed me in the back too many times. And when I speak up for myself I get made to look like the bad person, and I just no longer care for people who don't care for me and have shown it by their actions and judgment towards me sometimes worse than the bullies who bullied me in school. Excuse my vent had to free my mind of some of this as I stated before, writing is therapeutic especially for me when I have no one to talk to and it is never good to hold pain in.