Hi, folks. Long time, no see. I haven't necessarily been doing well, but it's hard to get in front of a computer and participate. My ability to type on the phone is sub par at best.
Lately, I have just felt numb to a lot of things, namely human interaction/relationships, and it's got me a little confused. I've been seeing a girl for perhaps two months and she's great. She helps make plans, she doesn't always make me pick up the bill because I'm the man, etc. However, I simply have no feelings for her. There are no butterflies that people commonly feel. I'm not head over heels. I have no romantic feelings for anyone. I've been single since probably 2011 and thought having a relationship would be wonderful, but nah. Is it that I'm so used to being single I'm struggling? Could it be my years of taking antidepressants (not currently taking one)? Could it be my lack of self-esteem? Am I just finally at peace with being alone? I'm notorious in my own mind for tiring of things and people very quickly. The girl I'm seeing and I haven't spoken since Saturday night and I'm cool with that. I spoke with Scaredy about
this the other day, but I would rather just avoid the confrontation because no one will ever believe you when you say, "It's not you, it's me," as its a legendary cop out. Will I ever snap out of it?
The aforementioned girl and I saw a movie, A Dog's Purpose, which was painfully soul crushing. I definitely wasn't numb then. I cried through the whole movie, she and I went out for dinner, and then I went home and cried some more. Crying is an understatement actually. I bawled. Dogs are so kind and innocent, but are only with us for such a short time. So many humans are unfeeling and just horrid in general. All this came full-circle in the movie.
Has anyone seen, I want to say it's a State Farm commercial, of the man that sees via social media all that is wrong with the world and how we are bombarded with it? At first, he sees that he needs to save a life; that being the life of a dog. Then he sees veterans that need help. And it just goes on. It really spoke to me because I am the man in that commercial. I can't handle the fact that an innocent dog is going to be euthanized today because it couldn't find someone to love him in time even though all he did was be born. I can't handle that veterans are homeless. I can't handle that children are hungry. I feel guilt for buying myself a meal, a necessity, or something I don't need when so many go without. I can go on. And what do I do? I shield myself from all that I can. With all the millionaires and fewer billionaires out there, how and why is there any injustice? All these things
CRUSH my spirit and it makes me regretful for having ever been born to witness these atrocities. Scaredy did tell me a story about
a starfish and how it makes a difference to just help one. It's just not enough for me.
My health also isn't great. I'm beginning to rectify that some through diet right now, but I imagine I'll fail there, too. I have hernia surgery in three weeks. I don't anticipate that going well because it's me. When I ask if I could just please drop dead, I hope God knows I'm talking to him.
I get very little joy out of life and some of it is because others get very little joy out of life. I was such a great kid. That exemplary childhood is costing me now and I've been an adult a lot longer than I was a kid, so it seems. Why couldn't it have been me that passed instead of someone else that had a luster for life? Why aren't my friends Jack, Jeremy, Mitch, Robbie, and Jeff still here? Why am I?
I should probably be on the depression forum, but I like it here, and some of it is anxiety.
Thanks. Love you.
-smooth