Hey guys and gals,
Hope everyone is having a good day
It's been awhile since my last update and thought I'd drop by.
A few months back, I was having a rough time with my digestion and a severe lack of appetite and constant fatigue starting within an hour after waking up, lasting the entire day. I was mainly living of Ensures for a short time there as I couldn't hold any solids down or would have extreme confusion, palps, dizziness, shortness of breath shortly after eating and during the digestion process.
My stomach has settled down over the last month and I've been eating a lot better. I finally had my first Pysch consult as well. That didn't really go as I had expected TBH. After describing the last 4 years the best I could in one sitting over about
an hour and a half with the Doc, he said I sound pretty normal and in his opinion thinks that If I do indeed have Anxiety or Excess Stress that it is mainly simply from not feeling well and just wanting to feel normal again and get back to work and being productive. He wants to wait until we get the next results of another CT scan my primary has schedules for next month, this time on my chest and neck and talk with my Primary Doctor a bit before I see him again so we can re asses.
I had a brief period of 2-3 days after my consult that I felt decent before everything started going down hill again. I read "Hope and Help for your Nerves" by Claire Weeks during that period, which I HIGHLY recommend reading if you have not yet read it. She does a great job of walking you through in layman's terms how stress or Anxiety can wreak havoc on your nerves in general giving you an infinite number of Physical ailments. Again, I highly recommend checking this book out as I have learned so much about
Anxiety and Stress whether or not it turns out this is indeed what's causing all my woes, it's great knowledge that may give some of you that "Epiphany moment."
For the last week and a half, my ailments have shifted to massive amounts of an Adrenaline feeling first thing upon waking up in the morning which is new to me. After about
8-10 hours it starts to taper off and I begin to feel more normal throughout the evening. I'm sleeping ok but upon waking the next day, the cycle returns. I'm out of Xanax now and the docs refuse to give many anymore even though I've demonstrated that I won't abuse them. I've gone through about
20 .5 pills since Last November. Some days the morning Adrenaline is so intense I'm on the verge of heading to the ER but I manage to just deal with it. One of those days I decided to take a few shots of Whiskey and within 20 minutes I was as normal as could be for the entire day.
The next morning was a different story. That small amount of Alcohol from the previous day sent my morning Adrenaline into overdrive and has been lasting for about
3 days now nonstop. This morning, I awoke and felt really calm, no adrenaline and I was relieved so I went out for some early shopping. On the way home, still calm, by limbs started feeling very strange. My hands felt extremely tight and wanted to ball up into a fist. When I would stretch my hands
open into a flat position, halfway through
opening up my hand, my entire hand would begin to shake violently with extreme tremors. Not to make light of his ailment but I felt like Michael J. Fox. This lasted for about
3 hours this morning but seems to have tapered now as of writing this. The only other symptom I seem to have today is visual disturbances. When I
open the fridge, I get a ghost trail of anything white in color against a darker background, really trippy. Rather than over think it, I just sat there for a bit playing with the visuals and having fun with it. Regardless if the Psych doesn't think I have Anxiety, I strongly feel I do have the manifestation of my body being over or hyper stimulated. It's like a new adventure everyday with this condition. Things come and go and each time we are caught off guard and as much as we may try, it's so hard not to notice and not think about
them which ultimately is the key to getting through it.
After reading several other forms of literature I have come to agreement that, much of what we feel everyday is because we have become introverted and pay more attention to ourselves than we do reality and our surroundings. We are constantly scanning ourselves for sensations the moment we awake to see how we feel so we can plan our day accordingly and as soon as we feel something different we focus on it, giving it strength and making ourselves hyper sensitive because we want so hard to understand or explain why we feel this way. If we cut our finger and feel pain, we know why so it doesn't bother us as much. We just slap a band-aid on it and continue with our day never thinking about
it again. Sure we may feel a very dull reminder that we cut our finger earlier in the day but our minds understand why so we really pay no attention to it.
In summary, I truly believe that the symptoms that bother us the most is because we simply cannot logically explain them. It's human nature to want to understand what we cannot explain and until we firmly believe deep down inside or understand something, it's almost impossible to simply ignore it which is what makes healing so darn difficult.
Anyhow, before I write a book today, I'll just leave it at that for now
Hope everyone has a wonderful day!