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Terrible Anxiety surfacing

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Posted 8/23/2019 12:41 AM (GMT 0)
All of a sudden nearly 5 months since my son passed- the sleep aids are no longer keeping me asleep and I am awaking from disturbing dreams of him or sometimes work dreams with my heart pounding and feeling very uncomfortable with anxiety.
It's horrible. Then I start replaying bad memories surrounding his death and I'm just so tired of feeling so sad and putting up a good front at work and to my other kids. My husband is in bad shape and I'm trying to be supportive but I can't even take care of myself. Then I worry about him because my coping skills are better and I'm still struggling.
Posted 8/23/2019 1:41 AM (GMT 0)
Dear RA, I was away from the forums for a while now and I am terribly sorry to hear this sad
The painful feelings linger for quite a while after such trauma, and I am assuming 5 months is a short amount of time. Your distress is quite normal. Very natural feelings. If you dont want to continue with sleep meds you can discuss other optiins with a professional.
Give yourself some time and try not to shoulder everything by yourself. You will eventually notice the pain is getting weaker.

Sending you lots of hugs and healing
Posted 8/23/2019 1:55 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much Rrakkma for your kind words
Posted 8/23/2019 4:49 AM (GMT 0)
WRAS,

I am really sorry to hear that you are having a rough time atm. I think that with grief there are not only stages...but also an ebb and flow in the degree that the grief weighs on us. For a time you may think things are getting a bit easier, but then a flare, so to speak hits you...and you feel like you are back at ground zero/day 1.

However, this is just how it feels...and it is also temporary. When you emerge from an extra challenging time, you are not back to where you started, but rather get back on the path to healing and keep moving forward.

This is not to say that you are working to 'get over' the tragedy. There isn't reality in this idea of course...but nor will it always be this hard. Hold onto that. I will not always be this hard.

Do all that you can to self care. I know even this must seem like a Herculean task, but it is vital. Keep talking with us. We will do our best to keep you in support.

We love you, and are always here to listen.

S.C.
Posted 8/23/2019 1:32 PM (GMT 0)
HI Weary,

Just want to say I am thinking about you and praying for you. SC is right, ebb and flow. It comes and it goes. But it does get easier with time. Know that there are no rules to grief. It is different to all of us. Yet so similar. No right or wrong way to grieve.

Keep hanging in there Weary...

We are all here for you!

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/23/2019 8:55 PM (GMT 0)
Putting up a good front at work and with your other kids is something that I don't blame you for being tired of, Weary RA Sufferer.
Posted 8/23/2019 11:46 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for caring. I'm all teared up reading your responses.
Today I left a message for a lawyer and a grief counselor and neither one returned my call.
I just don't know why everything has to be such a struggle.
Posted 8/24/2019 12:13 AM (GMT 0)
One problem at a time, and be positive about that problem.

This positive approach is also stressed by the "Anxiety-Panic Resources" by the Admin at the top of the lists of posts such as yours, if you can take time to read them.
Posted 8/24/2019 8:45 AM (GMT 0)
Hi

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time hopefully you will hear back from your grief counsellor soon as I think that would be really helpful to talk things through with someone if they don't get back see if you can find someone else.

We are here for you so keep us posted.

Hibee
Posted 8/24/2019 11:56 PM (GMT 0)
So sorry to hear about the difficulty that you are facing. A friend of mine lost her daughter a couple years ago and she still deals with the grief and just two days ago she lost her granddaughter (which was the child of her deceased daughter) now her grief is compounded, but as I spoke with her today she said that being surrounded with her friends and family is what helps her to cope.

Everyone is different so there is no time limit or way in which to grieve and only a person’s own heart grasps the full depth of the emotional pain they are experiencing.

These few things might be helpful to you:
Talk about it
Write about it
Pray about it

I'll do some research and come back and share with you any suggestions that others found useful for them. In the meantime, I'll be thinking of you.
Posted 8/26/2019 2:40 AM (GMT 0)
thank you all for your caring and good suggestions
so now here is my latest dilema
First my sil texts me that my mother in law is unhappy and is acting hateful towards her and she can't take it anymore-can mil come stay with us, They are 800 miles away. We took her in last year this time last year until the new year
It was a stressful time for me-I had just learned that the business I worked for 18 years was closing-I did it anyway. My MIL is 96. I love her dearly, she fell once while here and had a mini stroke but we got thru it.
My SIL refused to bring her here for my daughters wedding and sons funeral.
Now out of the blue she texts me to give her a break.
I told my husband about it and told him that I will gladly take her in but we both have the feeling that it is an open ended break and at her age her health can turn on a dime. My husband is not dealing with our sons death well at all. He always says he doesn't want to wake up in the morning. A year and a half ago I took care of my own mother with no help from anyone and even hospice failed me when it was her time to go. They had a dying frenzy going on and since she had me and others were alone I had to administer the morphine and watch her die with no help. I was not a good nurse and she didn't die peacefully- it will haunt me the rest of my life.
I told my husband that if she dies here I don't think he can handle it- he bawled and said he cannot. I felt like it was a possibility we needed to discuss.

So today her husband texts me and says I want you both to know that your mother is miserable and has expressed it in many ways. She says she goes in her room and shuts the door because she doesn't like my sil. He says we stepped up to the plate 5 years ago and we need a break. Will you please call her and invite her to stay with you awhile? Any thoughts? (Oh by the way 5 years ago they forced her to sell her home and move with them)

Neither bothered to say- hey how are you doing coping with the death of our son.

I feel awful. My MIL is a wonderful person. I love her so much and I feel like she deserves to be happy -these are surely the last years (?) of her life...96.

However it's my husband's call and honest to God we are not having a great time of taking care of ourselves right now.
He has not given me an answer to give and I am distraught. As much as I feel it would probably be detrimental to my health and well being I would take her in. I don't feel it is my place to force him into something he doesn't feel up to.

Am I a terrible person to know my MIL deserves to be happy with us and not move heaven and earth to make it happen despite the affect it may have on us?

I mean I can put her ahead of myself and my comfort level but is it fair to make my husband do it? I'm really worried about him as it is.

Uggh I do not feel like going to work tomorrow. Mondays are very task intensive and I'm not going to be feeling mentally sharp.....
Posted 8/26/2019 11:08 AM (GMT 0)
This could be a good distraction for both of you. I would think about it before saying no. It would take both of your minds off of your son's death. Just a thought... Maybe...

Hugs Karen...
Posted 8/26/2019 11:14 AM (GMT 0)
Turtle sends many healing thoughts...everyday. HT
Posted 8/27/2019 12:51 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks and HT I know you send me healing thoughts EVERY day.
So here's how it went down
My husband would not tell me how to respond and so they called family members we are estranged from and they are bringing her to them on Sunday! Let no moss grow.
Found out because he called his mom as usual on Mondays and she asked did his sister call me this weekend? Because they say she's not happy living there anymore and needs a vacation and she doesn't know why they say that but she is leaving Sunday to go to her granddaughter's house and he tells her they are a-holes and that I didn't get a call but a text and he worked ALL weekend and didn't get to talk about it and you know she just went to the bank on Saturday to close out sons account as if IM the one who couldn't have handled having her here and I feel like a piece of garbage for not texting something but it had to come from him and I would have taken her in a heart beat except I was worrying about if he could deal with it.

It's OK. I have resigned myself to the fact that GOD knows my heart and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
Posted 8/27/2019 11:23 AM (GMT 0)
Spot on mate. HT
Posted 8/27/2019 2:05 PM (GMT 0)
Wow that was fast. You are right Weary, God knows what is in your heart. That is all that matters.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/27/2019 7:22 PM (GMT 0)
Well today I went to work and at 9:30 I was laid off...
How much can one woman take.
Posted 8/28/2019 4:03 AM (GMT 0)
Oh no. Did they say why? Do you have any recourse...how about severance? Can you file unemployment right away and start looking tomorrow? *Unless* you can afford to take some time off. Maybe that is what you need atm?

I am so sorry. Prayers for guidance in your next steps.

S.C.
Posted 8/28/2019 4:39 AM (GMT 0)
So sorry to hear this additional news about your MIL and job. I think of you often and pray for healing, hope, and peace for you and your husband. What a terrible time you are having!
Posted 8/28/2019 11:20 AM (GMT 0)
SC- I was not the only one- our division was not making the financial numbers so they were cutting back.
So that made it easier to bear for as you know I was the newest person there learning a very complicated position of which I had no experience in. If it had just been me I would have twisted it around and think well you just couldn't make the grade.
I will apply for unemployment today. I pulled out my resume to make tweaks but got writers block. A recruiter had actually contacted me recently but I ignored-guess I'll reach out now.
Wish I could take some time off to heal but not getting right back in the workforce scares me financially and I'm nearly 60....who wants an old lady.
A couple of co-workers made that comment that maybe God closed this door so I could have some time to heal. They expressed what a strong person I am and they didn't know how I was able to get up every morning and come to work and perform as if everything is fine.
I am weary of being strong and having the curve balls being thrown out at me making me even stronger-but for what? How strong do I have to be? What purpose is this to serve? Thanks for your prayers
Lynnwood- so nice of you to think of me often and pray for me! Please continue to do so-there is power in prayer and I need to have change for the better.
Posted 8/28/2019 2:45 PM (GMT 0)
Just want you to know that prayers are and continue to go out. Weary, I know you are going to get through all this. Take it one day at a time.

Continue hanging in there and continue reaching out. We are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/29/2019 12:28 AM (GMT 0)
good day
got a lot accomplished
booked an appointment with a certified grief counselor for me and my husband
called and got my separation agreement straightened out- actually getting 25 paid vacation hrs. instead of 10
Called a lawyer who will make a call to the PD to attempt to get the PD report
scheduled a phone interview with a recruiter
Going to the beach tomorrow upon husband's suggestion
did good today
Posted 8/29/2019 5:10 PM (GMT 0)
AWESOME!!!

You needed some good things. So glad that you were able to tie up some loose ends and meet some goals/make appnts!

ENJOY you day at the beach tomorrow. You deserve and need it!

(((Hugs)))

S.C.
Posted 8/29/2019 7:03 PM (GMT 0)
I hope you had a great day at the beach. You guys deserved a break.

Will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted 8/30/2019 2:09 AM (GMT 0)
Had a nice day!
Thanks for the validation and prayers!
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