Explaining the Unexplainable...

Okay, so tomorrow is my pdoc appt. as I said in a previous thread. Now WHAT exactly am I going to say?!? If anyone can relate to any of the things I'm fixing to bring out, let me know. Tell me what YOU think. So here I go trying to explain something that I don't fully understand myself.
I have not been feeling too well at all. I manage to go do the things I need to do. I really would just as soon stay at home and never deal with anything again, but that's not realistic. Anyhow, when I wake up early in the day, I don't feel extremely anxy, but I feel "uncomfortable"...as in Not comfortable in my own skin...then I start to feel tinges of anxiety, though not full-blown (thank heaven for that!) I compare my feelings of "discomfort" like this: Suppose you had a chair that had a sharp pin in it's back support. When you went to lean back, it would prick you. So you keep leaning forward to avoid the prick, but therefore, you can never really relax. Another thing I've been feeling everyday is a feeling of sadness and fear. Sad that I'm the way I am and fearful of never getting better again. (I know...I'm Miss Negativity!) I don't enkoy anything too much any more. I don't look forward to anything. Food has lost most of it's appeal too. My whole world is in shades of gray. A part of me wants to cry, but I CAN'T. I feel really lost...I've also had diarrhea, likely from IBS. I'm constantly tense and have gotten some tension headaches...
By the late evening, I usually tend to start feeling better. At night, I feel at my best. I don't want to go to bed though cuz then it all starts over again the next day. Has anyone got any ideas here? A clue as to what's going on with me??? I've dealt with depression and anxiety for years and am thankful for these past 8 years where I had things fairly stable for the most part. But this time, I just feel "different" and I can't fully explain it...as far as I can tell, cutting the Zoloft down to 100mg from 200mg hasn't been any big deal. Now when he had me try the 50mg, it WAS a big deal! ARGH!!!
So I hope someone will have some notions about my case.
Thanks and I appreciate you all!
janet

Fabulous explanation and I totally relate. about 25 years ago, before I knew about depression and how it affects my life, I used to feel exactly the same way. I always felt better at night because I didn't have the entire long day stretching out before me that I had to "make it through." I also knew that my husband would be home and I didn't have to fight the struggle by myself. I love the night, it is cool and gentle. Night has sleep and when one sleeps the possibilities of the next day dawning a great day are endless. When the day does come and nothing is better than the anxiety and stress set in and multiply layer upon layer as the day wears on. It was all about stress and a lack of control in my life that caused the anxiety. I had to take charge.

You said to tell you what we think but I am ever aware of not hurting you. Your life is not your own and the stress of that must be responsible for at least part of what you feel. You are living with a person who often is not the most supportive of you, even if she doesn't mean to hurt you, that also must be at least part of what you feel. What I think is that you are a wonderful, compassionate, intelligent and loving person who is in an untenable situation at present. I do not know what I would do in your shoes but I do know that what you feel is perfectly "normal" under the conditions in which you survive. Scardey Cat is right, take a deep breath and keep talking. I think you have enourmous courage and we are here for you.

Anna

"Courage is not the absence of fear...it is being afraid, and doing it anyway!" Scardey Cat, that has always been one of my favorite phrases. Another one is something that Babe Ruth said, "it's hard to beat a person who never gives up".

I think you said it all in your first post there oh and if ya really want to drive the pin thing home bring one with you to session and tell him/her if they dont understand you can demonstrate lol no really I dont condone that but I do say proint the thread and take with you. Hang in there and stand strong. *Bug HUGS*

Janet-

That is the way I feel most of the time. I don't want to get out of bed. If I could sleep all day, I would. I don't really care what is for dinner. I never taste it anyway and nothing ever sounds good. Sometimes I crave chocolate and carmel ice cream or maybe tapioca or rice pudding, but that's it. I don't fix the meals, my husband does. I usually don't finish because I'm full. I have diarrhea all the time. I have tension/chronic daily headaches which turn into migraine about 1/2 to 3/4 of the time. However, after I take my nighttime meds, I'm up nad want to watch tv all night, or read. I don't want to go in and go to sleep. I'm usually up until 1 or 2 in the morning, several times I've still been up when my husband is getting up to go to work. I'd rather spend my time doing nothing. It takes all my energy to do laundry (it was piled halfway up the wall and spilling out of our 2 hampers yesterday). I knew it needed to be done, just didn't care really. Finally decided I'd better or we'd be naked. I don't do the didhes or take out the trash, hubby does. I usually have no interest in talking to anyone, except you all here. I don't answer my phone, I avoid my friends alot of the time. Have lost 2 or 3 good ones because of this, they don't understand and don't know how to relate to me. I'm in school and it's what I wanted but now that I'm there, I can't do what I'm supposed to do until the deadline and then I'm rushing to get it done, procrastination is my name.

Looking at some of your other posts and having gotten to know you a little, I feel almost like we're going through the same things. I feel really close to you for some reason. I can't explain it, it's weird.

Just know that I care about you and I hope that you can get some answers from your doctor. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hi Janet,

You just basically summed up how I feel when my anxiety is high. For myself morning are awful and I wake up with loads of anxiety and fear. Also when it's bad i'm not comfortable in my own skin either. And I always feel nervous, tense and shaky. Hang in there sweetie just explain to your doctor what you explained on you posts. Sending lots of hugs.

Georgia

Hi Janet

So many people say so many good and reassuring words to you and I hope they are a comfort to you. I am new to this
site and find it reassuring that what I experience is not so uncommon.
Anxiety is for me by far the worst accompaniment of depression and it takes away so much of the pleasure of living.
All of the symptoms you talk about I can truly identify with and
often I think what great courage living actually takes. Unless one has religion or another supportive philosophy, it is not easy
to come to terms with the futility of life and how finite it is. Everthing we do inbetween these two realisations are in my opinion just
avoidance techniques. And most people just DO DO DO in order to avoid these feelings of existential pain.
Of course there is much to be enjoyed too on the way but I find that I deal with my own pain and anxiety better if I allow myself to face the fact that life is hard, its often very painful. We try to make sense of it all and then the media constantly bombards us suggestions that it is all 'oh so wonderful' and then what do
those of us who feel life deeply do? We get depressed because we feel 'how come we don't manage it quite like that?' Everyone else is having so much fun and for me it is so painful.
So every morning, when the anxiety is at its worst I
say to myself ' I am a courageous person to face the day
somehow even though I feel crapty' - somebody somewhere
once said: getting out of bed every day is a tremendous
act of courage.

I need so many words to express myself - apoligies if I do go on a bit. Aloisia