My Progress Debaser part 2

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Sunday 4/22/07 (morning entry)

CRAP. Woke up feeling weird. Short sleep due to working at the computer all night...but I don't know if that has anything to do with it. I won't say I'm in a full-blown panic attack right now, but one is trying to materialize. I'm having trouble relaxing, that's for sure. I'm very, well, anxious. I got up less than a half hour ago and took my pill 15 minutes ago. So that was about 11:30

My theory, as stated, is that these episodes are brought on my not taking my pills on time. The problem is, no matter what I do I just can't seem to remember to take them on time. I have no idea what time I took it yesterday, either. I should probably start putting it in this journal...that way I can track it. I suspect it was around 6 pm yesterday, but I have no way of knowing for sure. If true, then that would mean I had 17.5 hours between doses.

Is something like that enough to reduce the therapeutic effectiveness of the Klonopin??? Is the 17.5 hours why I'm feeling so incredibly edgy right now?

I need to know the answer. Hopefully someone can just tell me, but if not, I'll find out myself eventually. Klonopin doesn't work as quickly as Xanax and most other benzos, so if I'm screwing this up, it can take a while to before it starts giving me relief. Some days it may take 30 minutes. Some days it may take an hour and a half.

I'm not in awful shape or anything. It just feels like I have had six cups of coffee on an empty stomach. You know the feeling. Body feels weird...lots of nervous energy. It COULD get worse but I just don't think I'll let that happen today.

EDIT: I started feeling better about 12:30. Just a note for me...still trying to work out how dosage timing affects the way the med works on my body. Others' mileage will vary, of course, in case anyone's using this as a resource. Metabolism, etc....exact times and stuff would probably be personal in nature.

Edit AGAIN!: I can't believe it but I didn't even know today was Earth Day. It's a good time for everyone to reflect on how their lifestyle may affect the environment, and think about if there's anything they can do to lessen their impact. A very underrated "holiday"!

Post Edited (debaser) : 4/22/2007 12:02:57 PM (GMT-6)

Sunday 4/22/07

First things first: my "study" of dose spacing. First dose 11:30a/Second dose 8:45p ~9 hrs

Oh, boy. I'm having a time of it right now. Eating related. Being tired of sandwiches and not wanting junk food, I decided to go to the store and get some "boutique" marinara and a package of "light" cheese ravioli. I barely used any of the marinara. Too many onions and whole tomatoes for my GERD to handle without discomfort. I cooked just a tiny bit and sort of basted the ravioli for a little flavor. This type of meal normally wouldn't bother me at all. Further, I didn't eat very much of it.

I'm always paranoid about the stuff I cook myself. I fear food poisoning like nobody I've ever seen! This wasn't always the case, but since my illness in early 2005 it's been a problem from time to time. So, anyway, you know how pasta is. You can cook it. You can overcook it like crazy, in fact, but after you strain it and put it on a plate it will cool very quickly unless it's immersed in sauce. So I start eating, and within minutes I'm noticing my ravioli is cold. Huge shock, right? But the doubt enters my mind: did I cook this stuff long enough?

And of course I did. One, there was no meat in the ravioli. Only cheese. What little marinara I had was definitely brought to a slow boil and was like that for several minutes. Having seen "COOK THOROUGHLY" on the ravioli package I was even more careful than usual. It said to boil from 6 to 8 minutes. I boil for 10, and not only that, I cover it. "This stuff's floating!", I thought. It's not IN THE WATER. How could I be sure it was cooked thoroughly? Cover it and cook it longer than the instructions said to, which is what I commenced to do.

Irrational fear. Both the ravioli and marinara were refrigerated at the market. I brought them directly home and put them in my refrigerator, which is as cold as I can get it. And to my knowledge, there's no really horrible bacteria that will grow in cheese or pasta to begin with. Fungus, perhaps, but both packages were sealed and I saw no evidence of anything being amiss. Then it was cooked like crazy.

I won't say this has been a panic attack, but it's never good to eat when your nervous. There's no more certain way to get nauseated than eat something you're afraid of. Your digestion gets all messed up, and that's what I'm going through right now. Bloating, mild nausea. The Klonopin is beginning to kick in now and my stomach is starting to calm down, but as noted above I wasn't even due for my dose yet. I shouldn't have needed it to get over this.

This eating thing isn't nearly as bad as it used to be but it still gets in the way. Two meals last week made me feel the same way. It's all mental. I can usually eat without worry if there's NO worry about how the food was prepared and I'm alone. If there is worry or there are people around, I'll get sick every time. All mental.

I'm not sure how to get over it. I know what part of my past it relates to...I guess time will be the only cure. But if anyone has suggestions I'd LOVE to hear them. I NEED to hear them, actually.

Other than that I've done pretty well all day. I got up late as noted in my earlier entry and was nervous for a while. Once that went away I worked on different things. I finished my big work project, and did some art things. All at the computer, though. Aside from watching a baseball game, I've sat in front of the computer almost all day long. The pros: I was productive, my mind was active. The cons: I sat in one place all day and have so far gotten no exercise whatsoever. I need to clean house, so that'll get me moving just a little bit, at least.

So, back to the dosage spacing thing: Significant anxiety experienced approximately nine hours after AM dose. However, the eating variable was involved and that has to be considered, I think. Taking the PM dose early was good, though, because I can take it before work tomorrow and it'll be pretty close to on schedule.

I got up so late today that I should be up for several more hours and may add to this post sometime before hitting the sack.

Until then, have a great night everyone.

Monday, 4/23/07

Okay, I don't have much to say this evening.

I need to get out of this apartment more. I don't know what I'll do out there, but I've got to do something. Between cable TV, the internet, working a lot over the weekend, and baseball season, I just don't get out enough. What happened to my plan to start an exercise program? I don't know.

I feel fine, but I'm just not doing a good job of changing my behavior. For whatever reason I cannot push myself out the door. There's no fear of leaving. Just contentment, I guess.

Well, that is all.

normalsnofun said...
We all get comfortable where we are...It takes some uncomfort to move on and get to a better place. Just keep pushing baby steps. Can you go for a walk or bike ride? go out with a friend for dinner

If you enjoy sports perhapse go watch little league or minor league games volunteer somewhere...

Thanks. Those are all good ideas. I do walk a lot...less in the last week or so, though. And I've gone out to dinner with mixed results, as noted. I still have weird eating anxiety. It's better than it used to be but it's still there. Don't have many friends in this town to go out with, though.

A minor league game is a good idea. I really ought to do that. The Houston Astros AAA team plays pretty nearby.

Thanks for the susggestions, NNF, and everyone else please keep them coming! If I don't get some I may use "I'd like to get out of here but I don't know what I want to do" as an excuse. No excuses, haha!

Thanks. Gotta get back to work. Hope you're all doing well today.

Walking biking doing basically anything is always a good thing
I am usually alot more active but crohns got me down for the count again.....

I hope you are doing as good as you sound debaser ......

Be well

Tuesday, 4/24/07

Every bike I've ever had in my life has been stolen. I swore to myself I'd never buy another, so biking is out! haha. But walking and eventually running would be good. There are many, many awesome parks in Austin. I could go to a different one every day for two weeks if I wanted to. There's a nice neighborhood park right next door, in fact. It's only a city block, but it has a nice little field for flying kites (I ought to get a kite), a couple of tennis courts (I love tennis and may use Craigslist to find a tennis partner), a basketball court, and swimming pool. I go to that park almost daily, but it's so close it's like I haven't even left home. That's the only problem with that.

Going to the movies alone is sort of depressing. I've never done it. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad on a weekend afternoon or maybe like on a Tuesday evening. Going at night Thursday through Sunday would make me feel like a loser, haha. I have no qualms about attending a baseball game by myself, though. I've done that plenty of times, as most of my friends are indie rock hipsters and feel that sports are to mainstream for them or something. Dorks.

I live in an apartment and gardening is impossible. A few weeks ago I bought two ferns and an African Violet. I've already killed the African Violet but I think the ferns are okay. They don't seem to be growing, but they're not turning brown or anything.

Can't seem to get motivated to do everything I want to do.

Tonight there's no baseball game and it would be a perfect, excuseless night to get out BUT I HAVE TO WORK. Bah. I really have no choice but to work, and it'll take all evening. After tonight, though, I should be on an 8 to 5 schedule pretty much. It's just this monster of a case that's been keeping me busy.

Thanks for the advices. Really, though, I know of plenty of things I can do by myself out of the house....what I really need is motivation and time. I say sometimes "I don't know what I'd do if I left", but hell, I'm a PHOTOGRAPHER. As long as I have a camera, I have something to do. I have this soundscape project I'm working on. As long as I have the recorder, I have something to do. I have feet and legs that work....I have plenty to do! I just get lazy.

ANXIETY PART OF THE JOURNAL:

I had an incredibly stressful day at work. I cannot even begin to go into details, but that minutia wouldn't interest anyone, anyhow. "Stress" and "Anxiety" are two different animals. I can feel stress these days without having the anxiety come in and wreck everything. Thank God for that (and Clonazepam). That said, I came home early because of stress. I wasn't all freaked out or anything....I just needed a plain old break, that's all.

Took the K at around 10am. I'm told by a trusted source that I may be experiencing "interdose" anxiety sometimes, and in extreme cases (only) I could take a half pill if needed. This person isn't a doctor or pharmacist so I'll check with one before I ever do that. If I get the "OK" I think it would be a better option than upping my dosage, which I do not really feel is necessary. In fact, if I get of my lazy xxx and do the things talked about above, I probably wouldn't have "interdose anxiety".

Well, that's it for now. Might write more later. My work that I'll be doing at home tonight is mindless and repetitive. I'm sure I'll need some 15 and 20 minute breaks now and then.

Hope everyone is doing well.

PS -- I really do appreciate the extra participation in the thread. Everyone's unique, but everyone's also similar in many ways so I feel like some people might identify with this "journey" I'm on. I encourage comments and questions. Sometimes my mood affects what I write so much that questions would actually force me to clarify (often when I write I think it sounds like I'm worse than I really am).

Post Edited (debaser) : 4/24/2007 4:05:03 PM (GMT-6)

  Hay debaser I want you to look at is and see if any of this fits you and if so how miny?

• is preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost;
• shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion (e.g., is unable to complete a project because his or her own overly strict standards are not met);
• is excessively devoted to work and productivity to the exclusion of leisure activities and friendships (not accounted for by obvious economic necessity);
• is overconscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values (not accounted for by cultural or religious identification);
• is unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value;
• is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way or doing things ;
• adopts a miserly spending style toward both self and others; money is viewed as something to be hoarded for future catastrophes;
• shows rigidity and stubbornness.

 

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Went to bed REALLY late last night. I can't even remember what time it was but it was around five in the morning. As I mentioned before I was working, though, so there was a reason. Slept in until about 9:30 then worked all day non-stop. I had very little to eat (just a few crackers) until five, and not much then, either. A little stomach weirdness, but I guess that's to be expected when you haven't had enough sleep and virtually no food all day. Anyone would feel a little weird after eating in that situation, I would assume. I was actually worried I might have a panic attack tonight but it never happened. Just a mild "nervous stomach" for a while.

I'm feeling fine now, stomach-wise, but very tired. My general anxiety level is kind of high. That's why I posted that thread about sleep and its relationship with anxiety. Even a person withough an anxiety disorder who doesn't get enough sleep will be irritable or easily agitated. This is an example of where Klonopin is helping me: it suppresses the anxiety enough for me to realize that I should expect a higher anxiety level when I've had little sleep over a period of a few days. This realization alone is enough to keep me off the slippery slope. Before Klonopin I may have logically made that connection, but would have very little faith in it. My emotions would get the best of me and I'd freak out.

The real test will be when I come off Klonopin at some point in the future. Assuming I taper slowly and have a small supply of valium to control panic during the weening process, I think I will be able to maintain the same type of perspective that I have now. Actually, I hope my perspective continues to get better. I wish I could say I'm ready to come off the drug right now, but I'm not. I have a lot of work left to do.

My work-life should be entering a calmer phase starting tomorrow. I'll be busy, but there should be no more nights or weekends. Therein will lie another personal test: Will I continue to sit around the apartment during the evening hours, or will I try to change habits? Tonight I'm resting. Tomorrow I want to have some fun.

Freezing:

I just took four on-line quizzes (they take only a minute or so, that may seem compulsive to you but not to me) and it's pretty apparent that I do not have OCD. The eight questions you posted? For the life of me I cannot see where you think I've answered seven of them affirmatively. There's some "yes" and some "no" in many of them. On only one did you get a resounding "yes": the last one. Yeah, I'm stubborn.

I talk about my job a lot. Since I average six hours of sleep per night, I (and most everyone else) am at work for between 1/3 and 1/2 of their waking life. I am career oriented, but I'm not ridged about it. If I were ridged about I'd be there right now, as technically I was supposed to be there over half an hour ago. The stapling, organizing, re-stapling thing? Believe me, I didn't choose to do that. They laid off my group's admin and it had to be done. I saw it as easy, if tedious, OT.

Am I somewhat obsessed with eating? Yes. Eating made me sick for a long time. Doesn't mean I'm OCD, no matter how much I talk about it on here.

I was concerned with timing the dosage of my Klonopin for a while. I think that's reasonable, too, because I have since talked to a pharmacist that said I should try to take it at about the same time every single day. I wasn't, and it was giving me a little trouble. My suspicions were confirmed. That does not mean I'm obsessed with time or schedules.

You have to keep in mind I was a double major in Political Science and Economics in college. While I didn't get my degree, I did complete 98 percent of those required courses and have been trained well on the value of data. At the university I went to Social Sciences weren't considered "soft" sciences. Being data-oriented doesn't make one obsessive compulsive.

I've talked about cleaning a lot. Well, I'm a bachelor and have lived like a slob for YEARS. I started cleaning when I got on Klonopin. I'm not obsessed with it. Once I got the place really, really clean I've slacked off. Last night a vaccumed a carpet that hadn't been vacuumed in two weeks. I washed dishes that had been in the sink for three or four nights! My car is absolutely filthy, and so is my office. No OCD there.

When I do this journal I tend to focus on certain things. I do not share everything I think about. If I did, the journals would be much longer and wouldn't have anything to to with the forum topic.

I don't think I'm OCD at all, but I rule nothing out. Please share these key points you have taken and we'll talk about it. That's what the journal's for.

Might as well make an AM journal entry while I'm here:

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Went to sleep at a reasonable hour last night! It was around midnight, I think. Woke up at about 7:30. Needless to say, I needed that and feel really rested.

That said, I just realized that I haven't shaved nor showered and I have to do that and get to work! Aborted journal entry.

normalsnofun said...
Debaser,

I dont think there is a need for you to be getting all defensive...Dave was simply stating HIS observations...You can choose if you agree or disagree or even take them back to your therapist to get their point of view...People arent trying to make personal attacks on you just observing...

Also can you shorten your sig line a touch it is a few lines over our ten line rule...Thanx

There is an apparent communication gap here, because in my mind I only made one remark that could be construed as defensive: "...they take only a minute or so, that may seem compulsive to you but not to me...". The rest of it I see as discussion. He posted some questions for me to answer. I answered them honestly, knowing all the while what the quiz was for. He comes back and says that I answered 7/8 questions positively for OCD and I don't see where he gets that.

I didn't take it as a personal attack, although I don't think he and I are particularly fond of one another (based on a recent e-mail exchange). That doesn't mean his comments aren't welcome in my journal thread. I value them as much as I value anyone else's. I just see this as a discussion and am very disappointed that you think I'm being defensive. My writing has obviously failed.

All I was trying to do was to consider some of the things I've written that might lead him to think I'm OCD. Then I sought to explain them. Given those explanations, if he or anyone else still thinks I'm OCD I really would be interested to know why, because that must mean I'm missing something.

I'll be happy to shorten the signature. You're right...it's too long.

SOrry I apparently misinterpreted your comments debaser I read it as defensive if that was not how it was intended I appologize

  Debaser one thing that really sticks out for me is your GERD, if I recall right you did have your Gull Bladder removed and I beleave that you had said pryer to your surgery was when you started having panic attacks do to your medical condition.

  One thing I have found is that I have had my worst P/A's with my GERD and I'm taking Nexium for it daily and it really helped me with the blotting as it was putting so much pressure on my chest it felt like I was having a H/A and in turn I would end up in the ER.

  When you did have your Gull Bladder removed didn't the Doc tell you not to eat fast food, greasy and fatty foods, as it would upset your GERD but from what I have been reading in your diary you tend to eat a lot of these kinds of foods and you have put on the pound's from it and when I found out that I had Diabetes I had to change my diet with low carbs and suger as well as how much I could eat but by eating a little bit though out the day helps me maintain my suger levels and I lose 40 pds from eating better foods now most of my food we grow and the meat and fish we get is from the land here. Will talk later as I got a few things I need to do today.

 Cowboy up