GlaxoSmithKline have today announced a new miracle cure which is set to transform the lives of Rheumatoid Arthritis victims the world over. Although originally controversial, the unconventional treatment has been met with a success that is being heralded as the best thing since Penicillin. The treatment is based on the idea that Rheumatoid Arthritis is caused by a Quantum Malfunction in our Seventh Astral Energy Chakra, and that realignment can be achieved by standing on one leg, pointing north, and chanting vigorously while sacrificing a chicken. Early human trials indicated that chickens were the most effective poultry for Chakra-Realignment, while grouse caused wide-spread inflammation and one man lost his life while sacrificing a duck due to pulmonary edema, an inquest into the incident is due to be launched later this month.
The sale of chickens have recently become restricted due do a patent being granted to GSK for chicken-sacrifice, in order to prevent any potentially harmful self-medication. GSK are stressing the importance of being treated only by a trained professional in order to be sure Quantum Fluctuations don't modify blood serum concentrations. Her Majesty's Customs at Heathrow Airport (London) seized 140 birds on a shipment from Kentucky today, and KFCs in britain have resorted to selling protein-based chicken replacements - a move in the right direction for mankind according to PETA member, Sandra Cunningham, who added "I'm so glad to see big pharma companies like GSK finally seeing the light, turning to Jesus, and helping to make the world a better place."
The new treatment is expected to come to market in late 2010, following expected FDA approval next week. Concerns are arising with regards to claiming for this controversial treatment on many healthcare plans, and President Obama has vowed that state-funded assistance programs will be created to aid Poultry distribution so that RA sufferers can find the relief they deserve. President Obama gave a press conference at the White House at which he stated "This is a real chance for change, people suffering with Arthritis can throw off their shackles and escape this horrible illness. God Bless America".
Next week, you can read about
how celery and whale song can reverse your psoriasis and even the aging process, and we have an interview with Diana Hughes, who cured her Fibromyalgia on a special diet of of green tea, cedar wood and maple syrup.
Enjoy your weekend everyone, I just got back from work and I was bored.
jay
Post Edited (JayBespoke) : 11/5/2010 8:18:31 PM (GMT-6)