(No Subject)

I’m 41. I’ve been dealing with life long crippling depression and anxiety. Sometimes it’s manageable. Sometimes not. I’ve had electric shock therapy and tried every medication and treatment out there. I have an excellent psychiatrist and therapist I see weekly. Just managing this alone is hard. Especially when I have a 6 year old. I broke my hip 2 years ago and had a total replacement. Found out I have osteoporosis. It dislocated 4 months ago. So I have that chronic pain to deal with. I also have lifelong Orthopedic problems in my feet resulting in a number of surgeries. I need another one. I saw the orthopedic Dr about the pain in my feet lately. Did an mri and discovered I have sever Synovitis which eventually led to my RA diagnosis. Started DMARDS about 6 weeks ago. No relief yet. Flare ups have intensified. I’m going to the dr today to talk about prednisone. I’m worried about that affecting my depression and anxiety and weight. I’m 230 and 5’6. I went to a bariatric surgeon last week with high hopes but she said she wanted me to be mentally stable for a year even though my psychiatrist said it was ok. My depression meds make me hungry. These are the best luck we’ve had and I’m not going to change them. I’m doing physical therapy 3 times a week and doing the exercises at home. I just feel so lost and discouraged. The weight contributes to my illness and depression. I can’t get the weight off because of my mental health. It’s a horrible circle. The most important thing to me is to be a good mom. I feel like I’m totally failing. I’m either crying or in bed with the heating pad. When I do play with her I’m so anxious I’m not in the moment and cant stop worrying. We started kindergarten this year and I’m trying to keep up with public school and all the activities and her extracurricular activities. Trying to run the house and keep it clean and just keep up with everything. I did not need this diagnosis. I have an excellent support system and am doing what I can with relaxation and meditation but I’m just so jittery. I can’t make my brain stop. These flare ups are awful. I have old codeine and that helps but I only have so much. I feel like I’m drowning. I’m so scared about RA. I used to be a dynamic social worker in a super high stress job before this last horrible depression hospitalized me 5 years ago. I feel no sense of worth. No self esteem especially because I’m so much bigger than the other moms. I’m doing everything. Therapy, exercise, meds but I’m just failing. I feel like a failure in every way. I just started a methylprednisolone pack and I’m worried it’s going to make my depression even worse. Please help me