a lot to deal with/part 3....footballfan & dutchie

Dutchie & FBF, while I am sad for you both, to a degree, I am not surprised. When my H and I did some therapy years ago, it was suggested that we do a 6 month intervention separation. It was not designed to end our marriage, but to bring us back together happy and healthy. We opted not to do this, but I know others who have and it worked. The work with the therapist is vital and rules need to be set up about the work each party will be doing to eventually bring the couple back together. You see each other during it as well, in therapy as well as “dates”, healthy family time…etc. I hope your therapist is a part of this decision and that you will continue to work together to find your way back together. I also hope FBF that you have begun some medical intervention for the depression you have been experiencing off and on for many years which you shared with us. It is as vital to your happiness as Dutchie's meds are for her. The separation may alleviate some of the “pressure” and feel better for a bit, but ultimately it will not solve ANYTHING for you without that help, both chemically and with therapy.

I was confused by what you shared about living arrangements. Dutchie, are you going to stay at your mom's with the girls? Or are they staying at the house with FBF? If FBF needed to separate, shouldn't you be the one staying in the house with the kids. Their lives should be kept as stable as possible...no? And given he felt the need to leave…shouldn’t he be the one to “move out”? Either way…I wish you both well and will pray for your path to lead you both home to each other. I believe it is where you both belong and will find your true smiles again in time. All my best….LFW

Good morning everyone.

I am here at home. Yesterday was one of the worst days I could possibly imagine to experience, and turned out to be one I will be most grateful for. I spent my day packing things up and getting the house in order best I could before I was to leave. Basically I was wasting as much time as I could before having to leave. I cried more tears than I thought possible these last few days. When FBF got up, he too was very upset at what was happening. We talked, we cried but still I was going. I was almost literally on my way out when he ask me if we were making a mistake. I said YES. In no way did I want to leave, but giving him some peace and hopefully happiness is something I want more than anything. I was suppose to be gone when the girls came home from school, but I was able to greet them at the door. I loved that, and they were surprised and happy. FBF admiitted that it may be time to get some help with the depression. I am calling the doctor today. He is scared to trust and believe again. I understand that. But I can help him, we can make each other happy. He is not in a place of peace yet, but I told him I will be at his side always. He said yesterday he knows he doesn't want the alternative (separation). He admitted yesterday that if we parted, in his mind, it was not to work our way back to one another, it would have been the beginning of the end.

He is so strong, I love this man so deeply and I am truly thankful for each day I have to express my new understanding of love with him. Praying works!!!!
I give thanks.
Dutchie

If an internet board could sigh in relief, we would.

Thanks for the kind words. We really need good people like all of you in our lives for support and thoughts of well being for us.

I have an appointment with our doc but it isn't until January. We talked to our councellor today about all that has happened and she is sending him a letter explaining what she sees in me and maybe then I can get in quicker. She gave me some looks today that I read as concern, as much protection that I feel towards Dutchie our councellor has stated her personal protective feelings towards us, it is kind of odd that a professional has gotten so personal with us, it's great that she can be both a councellor and a friend to us. She has really been a lifesaver.

I started coming to the realization that I should do something about the depression on Sunday night. I was working nights and it was already set that Dutchie would be leaving the next day. The first half of my shift I felt great, top of the world. I talked to Dutchie around 9:30 and she was very upset, we talked for half an hour and then I went back to work, again feeling great that things were finally coming to an end, not the end I wanted but still an end. We talked again around midnight, again she was crying and extremely anxious. The second half of my shift I was the exact opposite, I was down, miserable and irritable. I knew it wasn't normal to feel such extreme opposite feelings. It was really tough because in the first half I had stopped and thought "why am I so happy?", I shouldn't be happy, my marriage is going to be done. The second half I just wanted to get on with it and get this over with so I pressed on. I pressed on until the last second with Dutchie when I realized there was just too much emotional baggage still left between us, I couldn't walk away 100% sure that it was the right thing to do. I could see the pain I was causing her, the girls and our parents. I don't want to cause any of them pain and I don't want the end of our marriage to be the way of trying to remedy my pain. So I guess that only leaves one thing. Work hard together and do what I need to do to get past all of this. Dutchie has done a lot of work to make herself well, everyone is telling me that I need that too so I am going to listen and do what needs to be done. No guarantees, no promises, but in the end, whichever way things work out I want to be sure that Dutchie and I have done everything possible to make things work.

Congrats FBF...you are now on the road to REAL healing no matter how it turns out. But in truth...I think that there is plenty of love underneath all the anger and pain, and that is all jumbled up with your depression issues. I am glad you saw the light in time to take the healthy action for all of you. It shows bravery and strength. Once the depression starts getting handled, then stay committed to the process and you will see the shining light at the end of the tunnel. Time to GO FOR IT....you'll get there....and the smile will come to your heart again, the gift of forgiveness will be yours, and your heart will be free to love your wife again – and REALLY feel her love in return now that she has gained wellness enough to share it with you. The two of you will achieve emotional wellness and happiness together. Hugs, LFW

Dutchie, Based on what you shared, I think that FBF feels so at a loss with himself at the moment, that his feedback to you is more a reflection of himself. You not knowing what to do to ease his pain specifically has NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING COMPATABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hear you trying to justify your compatibility...DON"T, it is just a pity pot game and there will be no winners. The more he says you're not, the more you try to prove otherwise....the more he then claims you're not....etc. DON"T GO THERE. Of course you are compatible - BUT he is in pain right now and finally owning up to that for him self. It is not a comfortable place to be (for anyone) but all you can do is support his process and remind him of your love, support, and steadfastness (which it sounds like you are). NO...you can not reach inside him and make it all better. You are neither a mind reader/clairvoyant, nor miracle worker. REMEMBER – Clinical depression is bio-chemical and can not be willed away, it will take medication to bring the brain chemistry back to proper levels for him. FBF should be journaling, and determining what are ways he can be kind to himself until he sees the doctor. And he needs to STOP thinking it is going to be different now that he has faced this. Reality is, it will probably feel worse to him now because he has finally owned "his stuff". But...keep on the path, it will get better step by step. The other thing is that if you fight the reality of it, it does make it worse. SO...FBF stop fighting against it. Commit to help coming soon, and commit to what YOU can do to help yourself in the meantime, and make some commitments to your self...such as....when I feel X, I will do Y - as the healthy choice; When I am down, I will acknowledge it...but I will carry on in spite of it. I will take a bath, get lost in a good book, cuddle with my kids, write in my journal, go exercise and then have a yummy shake, watch a comedy, make love to my wife...whatever. You get the point. You must make these decisions and commitments to yourself. Ex: I will ask for what I need and NOT blame others for not being able to "make my boo-boo stop hurting". If I need a cuddle, I will ask for one - I can be pissed only if it then isn't there or doesn't come. I will acknowledge my feelings, but NOT be controlled or consumed by them. I will not deny them, but I resolve not to be controlled by them. I will ask for what I need, want and desire - i.e....I need space, I want us in the same room so I don't feel alone - I just don't want to have to talk tonight, I want to go for a jog and when I come back be welcomed with a yummy chocolate shake and a hot bath waiting for me, I want to share how I feel but not have to discuss anything – I just want to get it out of my head and know that I have been heard....WHATEVER. But it has to start with you, FBF. You, Dutchie, can attempt to do things that will please him...make his favorite dinner, tuna salad...whatever. You can give him a foot massage, back rub or watch HIS favorite TV show holding his hand....etc. You can listen to his pain until the cows come home (as he has done for you), you can get him a single sheet when he is too hot at night (although it is winter so that may be get him an extra blanket), you can remind him of your love over and over again. You decide what to do, but face that this is all you can do and acknowledge his pain, let him know you see it…just don't get caught in it with him or you are no good to helping him find his own way out. And that is what he needs to do...FIND HIS OWN WAY OUT. Seeing the doctor’s and getting one meds will help for sure – as there is the bio-chemical component, but until that time….you both need to be conscious about your actions and choices, and choose well. Demand it of yourself. And believe me; no one says it is easy. It is not…but it is doable! Hang in there you two, it will get better once you both are getting the help you need, and it can be bearable until then. HUGS LFW

Dutchie & FBF,

I am sorry that I've taken so long to respond.  I've had a lot going on this week; I will be posting my update sometime today.

Dutchie, please let us know about your health (thyroid); I am sure that everything will be fine .  As for FBF's depression....My bipolar of course, is mostly depression, mixed states (which depression is a part of)...So I know (we all know) how awful it is.  Serafena is right, somehow FBF is going to have to try coping through it.  It's hard, but has to try.

FBF- I once had a mental health professional tell me that you can either allow the depression to take over, consume you, or you can fight it.  That might sound "easy for me to say" and I understand that, because when I am severly depressed, I don't feel like it's me allowing that to happen.  I feel like it truly is controlling me and I can't do anything about it.  That's the tricky part.  But what I've learned is that I can try to do little things.  I've learned that all along, I was thinking I needed to do the impossible, something huge to get myself out of it.  I still get into the mind set sometimes...but that's the depression talking.  I realize that I do, in fact, need to do a little work to try and feel a little better.

Serafena's tips were great.  I suggest them all.  Keep in mind too, that not all of these things can work.  A lot of the time, they don't work.  That's frustrating...But when they do work it is so worth the effort.  You can keep trying.  And my goal when I'm depressed is to feel even a little better, not to expect to get out of it completely with the coping I do.  Just to feel a little better, one step at a time.  I am not sure any of this is making sense, and I know that this is such a hard thing, really.  I hope that you get into the doc's soon, and if it's medication that will help you feel better, I hope that works out for you as well.  Antidepressants really do work.

I am keeping you both in my thoughts, and I am glad that you have each other.  Many hugs; things will get better, I know it. 

Thanks for the thoughts everyone.
We went to the councellor today and she asked me if my thoughts of leaving were still there and was expecting a long drawn out answer from me, I simply told her that the thoughts of leaving aren't there anymore because I realize that I can't. Dutchie said that hearing me say that is very difficult. The councellor asked me what I meant, I told her that I can't put the girls through that and I don't believe that Dutchie would be able to handle it and as I have stated in the past, I am very protective of Dutchie. It isn't the reason that Dutchie wants but I am not going to lie or pretend it is any different right now.
It is very difficult because Dutchie wants us to have this great relationship and I have explained that my view right now is that the two of us have a job to do as parents and we can be friends and have some fun and right now that's about it, that is all I am looking for. She gets frustrated because she wants more but I don't, maybe someday I will but for now no.

Thanks LFW

I'm not sure I follow what you said when you stated FBF's depression prompting my troubles....I feel FBF's depression was greatly caused by the feelings of disconnect he felt towards me, yet believing I was "fine". Unfortunately my BP issues were lurking in our lives for a long time, and the pain that was caused by me will be a very difficult thing to live with. I am going to do my best to adopt a new view on our relationship. Rather than try to rid FBF from his pain and mine....accept the course this must take. Yes I want him to say he loves me and he is fully committed. I don't think it is wrong to want that...and I was confusing FBF's close days with me for deep committment. I guess the best I can do is offer up the committment I want to have and display in my life and be the friend that FBF needs. The difficult part is, is that some days FBF isn't feeling in a real friendly place, and it is difficult to know what to do on those days. FBF admits he doesn't know either what he needs on those days. I just continue to reassure FBF that I will remain at his side, through the pain, tears and the smiles.
I wish FBF hope in his life everyday...and I pray that I can help him attain that hope.....new hope, new belief.

Dutchie

I was thinking about you both and wishing you a happy holiday together with your family. I know life has been hard this year, but you are step by step healing your way through, both individually and together. Just keep being partners in wellness and it will lead you home in time. HUGS TO YOU BOTH...LFW

Looking for some reccommended reading on bipolar. Something geared more towrds the everyday and staying on top of anxiety issues, remaining positve about myself. I start school on Jan 7th, and though I am excited, I am also nervous and anxious, and doubts about myself creep in. Sometimes the being 38 and going back to school seems like something to be more embarassed about than proud of. These feelings are not constant....it is just harder to battle some days.

thanks
Dutchie

Dutchie:

From the other side of the desk, I loved loved loved my non-traditional students. (I'm talking the college-aged students I've taught here.) You absolutely shouldn't feel embarrassed about going back to school at 38. You're going back to school after having lived some life, had experience. You're taking that experience into the classroom with you and you'll be able to use it and it will help you. You watch. You think you're going to feel foolish -- until you blow everyone away. My older students are always surprised because they forget that many younger students are as busy partying and being 18 - 19 years old as they are being in school. The non-traditional students are just there to learn and they are often the best students in the room.