For Casem

Yeah Casem,

 

LFW is right...we haven't heard from you in a while. I hope everything is going ok for you. Hope to hear from you soon as well.

Hi Casem,

 

I'm glad you touched base with us. That's okay that you're taking a low profile and just lurking around. Most of us do that too when we feel not up to par to responding. It's still nice to come here and check up on what's going on with everyone else. So...you do what you gotta do! Don't ever feel pressured about responding/not responding. We get it, when someone is not around for awhile, we either figure things are very hectic for them, they are really busy, are having a very difficult time or like you, just keeping a low profile. But we need to check up on our buddies! That's what we're all about here. Giving support in any way we can.

 

Well, I truly hope you are able to get through the holiday season ok. You're aware of how hard it is going to be for you but it sounds like you're taking a healthy approach to it. Good for you for staying in the moment and trying really hard to get through all those rough passages. I certainly hope you get in to seeing a therapist during this time. I know it is going to be a rough one for you this year and right now I'm sending Angels your way to guide and comfort you during this time.

 

Wow! You signed up for a personal trainer! Good for you. That definately will be something positive to start your new year off!

 

Well Casem...just know that you are in our thoughts!!!

Wishing you wellness & Peace.

 

Hi Casem,

It's good to hear you're doing okay and hanging in there. A personal trainer! Whoo hoo! Fancee! Hang in there this Christmas. It will be rough, but you are a strong woman, and you'll be okay. Rely on your friends and family (and us!) to pull you through and remind you of how far you've come. It really is a long way.

Things have not been so great. As I sit here typing, I'm in tears. I spent Christmas with my mom, stepdad and sisters and that was wonderful. I was there from the 24th through the 26th. Since then, I have been home and haven't left my place. I go back to work tomorrow, and it's a good thing because I need a reason to get out of my own head. I couldn't go see my dad on Christmas. It was actually a get-together at my grandparents home (next door to my dad's) even though both my grandparents died this year, that's what everyone wanted to do. I just couldn't do it. My dad was not very happy, but my goal wasn't to please my dad this year. Everyone else said it would be great for healing....my heart couldn't stand anymore tears and I think my grandparents would've understood. I felt comfortable and loved and warm at my mom's and that is where I wanted to stay. I surrounded myself with love...and it felt great. I still need to reschedule with my dad.....

Unfortunately, I am hurting because of Michael, too. Things were going so well for him. He was on his medication, and back to work, but as these things seem to go...... two steps forward and one step back when it comes to bp......and the fool in me gets hurt again.....I should have been reading my own previous posts to remind myself of the manipulation and cruelty that is a part of his manic episodes. And just because someone is on medication, it doesn't mean they are stable or committed to a healthy life. We have been talking sporadically since I have been feeling great about myself....I thought I could handle it. AND I was handling it....for awhile....

One thing is for sure, my medication and therapy is working, because my anxiety level is down! I am just mad, and sad today. I hate bipolar disorder. I feel so deceived when I see glimpses of the Michael I like, the loving, kind Michael that makes me laugh......and then out of the blue, it seems, is this man who is thoughtless and arrogant and unappreciative. I wish there was a big flashing sign on his forehead that would say "RAPID CYCLING" and I would know to leave him alone or not take things personally. He is in a depression now and he doesn't know why. His dad and I keep telling him he needs to see his pdoc or therapist and he says no.....its just the holidays....well....its been going on for 4 weeks and you have missed work and you won't leave the basement....its more than that. His ex wife got engaged at Thanksgiving and he freaked out then, but he has been slowly trying to climb back..........

One day....I am focused on my life and he is focused on his and it is a balanced friendship and everything is fine and I feel good and the next day....BAM....like I hit a brick wall....I am blamed for the depression and horrors in his life. I ask occasionally about seeing his pdoc or therapist....he says he knows and he needs to do it on his own. (Which we all know is true). But he doesnt. I was doing well and trying so hard to stay focused on me....and than it could be just one thing he says or one thing he does that hurts so much....and when i try to explain why it hurts or how much it hurts and you can't have a healthy friendship when one person is hurtful.....he gets angry at me.....he says he is sorry....but thats it.......there is nothing else.....no feeling behind it.....no effort to make ammends.....no effort to change that thing that he did......

Oh Casem, I'm so sorry. That really sucks. Yes. You have been used. You are still being used. You are a good, good woman to help with presents for those kids. Expecting any show of affection in return from him makes sense to logical people, but he's just not logical. I'm so sorry. I wish I could make it better, but he's just not going to make it easy on any of us. ((((hugs for you))))

Thanks for the loving advice. I expected the direct thoughts...no worries!  That is certainly not the reason that keeps me from posting.....but I have a few questions that linger in my mind following every post (reading and writing)....And I don't mean to sound defensive, but I do have these questions....

I know you are trying to make me feel better, but when you talk about Michael's character....I think it is a bit unfair. How can you differentiate between a character flaw and the symptoms of bipolar disorder or an episode?

Admittedly, I tell one side of the story. I agree...Michael is only thinking of himself and is being selfish. He didn't buy his dad anything, or anyone else in his family, for that matter. He never leaves his sons when he has them, but he left them at his dad's house for an hour to meet this strange woman. That is extremely atypical of Michael - way out of character. Can stress and the holidays be a trigger for an episode? Wouldn't his current situation be considered stressful (holidays, no money, living in dad's basement, not with me, ex-wife just got engaged, have BP)? I am not justifying it, I am only trying to understand it. I would like to think that he is unhealthy, and he may not be stable on the right meds, as he has not kept up with his pdoc or therapist, and this is a very stressful time. Considering the fact that he has been diagnosed as rapid cycling, is his BP really "irrelevant"?  Does he treat me this way because "he is NOT reliable, honest, healthy, committed, fair or understanding" or could it possibly be because he is sick, hurting, and not stable. 

Yes, you may say that the reason does not matter, because I am hurt either way. But the reason matters to me. The reason represents my purpose in the equation. Is it possible that his actions are the actions of someone who is sick and hurting? Or are you honestly saying that the only possibly explanation is that he is a selfish, unappreciative jerk who is using me?

He is further along in accepting and managing his BP than he was 6 months ago. He is taking his meds. He isn't drinking. He participated in an out-patient program. He had another assessment two weeks ago. Now it is in his hands whether he returns for a new pdoc and therapist. His progress may be slow, but it is progress....yes?

You are right. I should've let him figure out x-mas himself. I shouldn't have rescued him by buying gifts for his sons. Sometimes I think with my heart.

Unfortunately, my focus shifts like waves. For weeks, my focus is on me, pure and simple, a beautifully focused balance of me, my diet, exercise, and daily routine of work, friends, and family....with a little of Michael in between. Then the waves crash a little into chaos and I get focused on Michael and his pain and his BP. That is my issue that I need to get better at controlling it. I work at it ever day....and I am getting better at it. I understand that is the most important thing for me......I don't need help with that part.......

I NEED YOUR HELP WITH THIS.......I would love for you guys to understand that I am struggling right now with one of the biggest decisions of my life........my relationship with Michael is important to me.......you don't have to agree with that, but I am asking you to understand it......I don't know what to do......I don't think I want him out of my life just yet....but I don't want to be hurt over and over.....I will make the decision when I am ready....If I decide to go, I will go when I know I need to.......trust me when I tell you that I am strong, capable, independent woman who knows when it is time to go.....

Can you please help me like you help the others......to understand bp and understand the mood swings and what the person may be thinking or feeling....possibly suggesting common bp characteristics or symptoms that you may recognize ........and ways to help him...or when to just back off....ways to help calm the situation or help him when he is hurting......instead of telling me to run.....

Casem, I do really understand your feelings. Honestly. The thing is #1, I am not telling you to run. What I am telling you is that if you choose to stay in the situation, don't expect different results. The choice to stay or go is up to you. But, if you stay, then you MUST understand that THIS is exactly how it will be. Has he improved a bit....yes, a little I suppose given the list of things like not drinking and such (although I have to wonder if while he was out with this stranger he had a soda vs. something stronger), but okay...he seemingly did not get rip roaring drunk...and that is a bit better. And yes, he seems to be dabbling in getting help. But the rock solid commitment to his own wellness, his fighting to stay conscious of his actions and how he behaves, his working with everything he has inside to make the right choices for himself....not so much.

Casem, you have to understand that when you sacrifice you for him, and your focus is on him - not you, there will be no ultimate result other than what you have right now. And believe me, it is OKAY to choose this if you want. It is certainly your choice. I do not think ill of you in any way, shape or form. You simply sound like a woman who has loved a man who has turned out to be ill. But much of your pain, I feel, comes from you dreaming of it being different than it is – the moment he MIGHT achieve wellness and responsibility and consciousness about himself and all his good AND bad choices; the moment he would look to you and say “thank you” for helping him through this, standing by him through all the abuse, neglect, and insensitivity he dished out - That you are the woman of his dreams and he will spend his life cherishing you for what you have done for him – supporting him back from the abyss and putting up with so much. This moment my dear MAY or MAY NOT ever come. And even if it does, it may not last for all the reasons that Serafena listed above about how the character issues are not necessarily BP induced. The thing is….when you live in this level of hope, under the circumstances, then you are not living in reality of the present, and how are YOU going to find the happiness and wellness YOU deserve if you don't? Do you follow my logic?

To answer your question about how to act to him during an “episode”, always tell the truth, but don’t engage with him when you see he is in one, do not take seriously too much of what he says or does as a result, learn to let go A LOT, moment by moment as needed with clear boundries for yourself and him. An example I can give is last night for me with H. Originally, my stepmom & her husband were supposed to come over, exchange gifts, visit, and THEN we would go out to dinner. I was told they would be here at 6pm. My H was supposed to have picked up their gift the week before, but for one reason or another it had not gotten accomplished. SO, at 5pm I woke him from a nap and said they would be here in an hour, he needed to get up and get the gift. My H was not feeling great (although he never said anything to me…but apparently I am suppose to know this anyway), so he gets the gift and at the last minute I am told they will be late, so I suggest we meet at the restaurant instead. So, we go out to a casual BBQ place that is way family friendly, we get through dinner and I could see that my step mom didn’t really want to exchange gifts there. So they came here for what all agreed would be a SHORT visit as we arrived here at 9pm approx. By 9:45 we put the twins to bed, and my step mom proceeds to talk and talk, and I don’t want to be rude and say…”okay…time to leave”. Meanwhile, my H is giving me glares. Finally at 10:30pm they go to leave. I then leave my H alone to go to bed, to do whatever he wants…etc, and I go to my computer to check messages quickly before heading to bed as well. I get to bed at approx. 11:30ish. My H is still up and as soon as I get to bed starts criticizing how I didn’t take action to his satisfaction on his queue’s to tell them to leave – we should have just exchanged gifts at the restaurant, he criticizes me for getting him up from his nap before I actually needed to since we didn’t meet them until 6:45, he criticizes me for “keeping him up” and how he doesn’t feel well and wanted to go to bed early…etc. The list of snarls goes on and on. So finally, I step up, tell him enough, he is blaming me for ridiculous things and being over critical for nothing. He then says that given the way I am reacting…it is exactly why he never says anything! Now, my dear…that is the joke of all jokes because I listen to this kind of stuff ALL the time from him. Who holds their tongue SO much of the time is me. But you see, I let it go, because if I engaged with it, it would accelerate and just get worse and worse. So, in the moment, I let him have his say, and then…let it go and move on. Because there is really NO point. He just needed to snarl, criticize and vent for whatever reason he had in that moment and I was the closest excuse he had. Now keep in mind that mixed in with this is a really wonderful guy who can be very considerate and thoughtful….just not consistently. And for some perspective….he would NEVER….EVER….treat me in the ways that you have described Michael behaving towards you.

Now, just a footnote about your behavior with Michael so you see we do have perspective for him too, while you are just his “friend” his treatment is HIS business and not yours. I know you want to support him in wellness, but just as your wellness is for you to do, so to is his. Therefore, I could understand his frustration with you about that. Again, the questioning and inquiring with the level of consistency and involvement you seem to have with it seems to go WAY outside the bounds of just a “friendship”. So maybe that is working against you in more than one way? I know it is hard to step back and let them fall down, but, he is a grown man and it is time he did. If you don’t let him, even as his friend, then you are hurting his chances of really growing up for himself. I know you love him, and you think that the last 3 years of the relationship with you allows you some leeway, but in reality…it shouldn’t. I am not saying not to intervene if it is life or death, but what you are describing is not. And I do not think that Michael is using you BTW, because a person can not get used unless they allow it. So therefore, it is not used, it is taken advantage of, and we are all responsible to prevent that for ourselves, or we have no one to criticize for it but ourselves for allowing it. Make sense?

I wish you well to make healthy choices for you, I wish you continued strength for the days ahead. Demand more for your life and settle for nothing less than you deserve. Just make sure you are demanding it from those who can really give it. Hugs…LFW

Casem, thank you for your honesty about this. I honestly think you are on to something when you say the situation is fraught with mixed messages sabotaging both of your wellness programs. The thing is, sometimes people can not get well together, they need space to really do that. It doesn't mean that at some point they won't find their way back to each other, but it is like the story of crabs....if you put one crab in an open box without a lid - it will crawl out, if you put two crabs in an open box, you do not need a top because they will prevent each other from crawling out...or in other words...neither will let the other out - they pull each other back down so neither gets out. With both you and Michael struggling so, perhaps you are two crabs in the end, and unless you are in your own boxes, it sabotages you both? Just something to think about. Also, if you have a temper that gets the best of you with your words....that IS something you must get to the root of in order to get a handle on it. No one deserves to be on the receiving end of that kind of wrath. And you shouldn't place yourself in the position to be so regretful all the time. That is simply not good for you. Sometimes self reflection and growth requires focused singular attention. Keep reflecting in this way Casem...this level of honesty seems like a good direction. Also, remember, if you have said something uncalled for, do the right thing and apologize and work to make a mends where you can. In the end it is about what damage you are doing to yourself most of all by spewing venom. It may not take the sting of the words, the damage it causes, or the memory of it away, but at least you will begin to humble yourself to making the situation right because you will then be able to feel a little prouder of yourself for trying to do the right thing. HUGS TO YOU....LFW

Thanks for the sunshine. I really needed it. I am feeling very down this weekend.

I have decided, again, to walk away and leave ALOT of space between Michael and I. It is so hard to do. I know it is what is best right now, but it hurts so much I can't even describe it. I made the decision after an extremely tough day on Friday. We (his dad and I) couldnt find him anywhere. He wouldn't answer any phone calls, his car was in danger of being repo'd, so I finally told his dad that he had been given two weeks off of work. His dad left Michael a VM telling him to come home, he knew about work, etc. Michael called me screaming....." **** you, I am never talking to you again, I trusted you, I can't believe you told my dad". I tied to explain that we were worried about  him, we had no idea where he was, his dad wanted to know.....his dad had been calling his work for days anway..then he proceeded to tell me that he was going to go out with the same girl he me the Sat. after Christmas.  We had that same old conversation.....he wants to try with someone new, someone who hasn't been hurt by him, someone who hasn't been tainted by all of this "stuff". I betrayed him. We fight all the time, I only call and ask about doctors appt. and work and if he paid his car payment, blah, blah, blah. He just wants some calm. I told him that he needed to get stable in order to have some calm, he wasn't going to get that from a woman. I apologized if he felt I betrayed him, but that his dad and I were worried, and he made an agreement with us to get help. It isn't healthy to be driving around all day in the cold just thinking about all of your problems. If he misses one more day of work, he gets a month off, and one more day after that, he gets fired. His car is getting repo'd if he doesn't make a payment and he doesn't have the money...AND ALL HE IS THINKING about IS GOING OUT WITH THIS GIRL. EVeryone keeps telling his dad and I that he needs to hit rock bottom. We aren't making his car payment, we aren't pulling any strings at work. I told him if he wants to go out with this girl....go ahead....but I can no longer sit here and let him treat me with such disrespect and refuse to get the help he needs.

I tried reasoning with him, I tried over and over, like a pyscho, for days and days to call and explain why his behavior for the past few weeks was so unacceptable and wrong. He says its me. I drive him crazy because I push and push. In the next breath, he says he loves me. If he loves me, why hasn't he made any attempt to get help and make ammends for hurting me? If he loves me, why does he still go out there looking for other women? He either STILL isnt' stable because, YES, he HAS NOT followed up with a pdoc or therapist since Laurelwood? or HE IS JUST AN INSENSITIVE, MANIPULATIVE JERK? The answer does matter to me.

My self esteem is battered and beaten. LIke I said before, I go in waves. I have taken the first step AGAIN, by walking away, and saying.....I can't do this anymore....this is your problem, not mine. I am not being treated how I deserve to be treated...I need to take care of me. But I am always left with that lingering question.....do you really love me and you are just sick? or do you just take what I freely give and have no love for me?