Problems: Mostly about hypersexuality

I have been dealing with bipolar disorder for about 11-12 years. I noticed a problem at a very early age and gave myself a guess diagnosis of bipolar at age 14. Since then, I've dealt with heavy depressions. Most of my mania comes from anxiety, irritability, anger, and the like. I suffer from some mixed episodes and have recurring problems with delusions and psychotic breaks.

I was officially diagnosed at 21 after about a year of trying to deal with it with just therapy. I am currently taking 100mg of lamictal and am going to request a high dosage soon, as I've seen a significant change, but am still having problems dealing with stress.

Substance abuse became a problem in my later years. I don't believe it got out of hand, but when something is going wrong, I look for anyway to ignore it, such as take a sleeping pill or drinking alcohol or cutting myself. Of course the last one is what set off a few sirens for the people in my life and I now realize its affects and how bad it made me feel on retrospect, and I have not done it for quite some time as the will to is weak. I remember how it made me feel: aside of the rush of endorphins, I felt guilty, pitiful, strange...all these bad things rolled into one, and yet I still feel like it wasn't such a bad thing. I talk about to some people like it's normal.

The problem is, I feel the same way about my promiscuity. I have been sexually active in some way with more men than I ever thought I would in a span of 6 months. The feelings I got were...indescribable and strange. I got a high out of degrading myself. I felt disgusting and out of character when I very suddenly started this behavior...and it seemed to come out of nowhere. My friends and family became concerned. The thing is, there was guilt there, I know it. But I would talk about it after the fact like I was prideful. That I was doing justice to women by showing everyone that women can have a lot of sex without trying to get attention. That it was just because she wanted to.

There were just so many instances where I would do it with almost anyone...even people I didn't really like, and it was a strange relationship....in the fact that there wasn't one. But I would continue to talk about how I knew what I wanted and knew what I was doing...and that the person that did that BECAME me, and I still act that way despite all the regrets and guilt and disgust I feel for having done all those things when I feel that it's not what I truly wanted.

The thing I'm asking is for someone to explain to me how I can hate these activities so much and feel so disgusted by myself with them, and yet talk about them like they're no big deal, that I'm in control. Does anyone have any answers for me?

Thank you for all the helpful advice. I had a feeling that's what was going on, but I'm just so confused by it, particularly because my friends, family, and boyfriend are confused by it. They worry because they say it's not me and my boyfriend is especially upset because he's not sure which one is the real me. I want to give him the truth in a way he'll understand, but I'm trying to deal with it myself. He tells me that if I feel so bad about my sexual activities then naturally I should converse about them in that way and not talk about them as if I'm being prideful. I'm confused because I see it posted all over my journal during that certain part of my life (which continues up until I am in a relationship) and I talk about all these bad feelings and I constantly ask myself "what am I doing??" but amongst my friends and family, I act like it's a big joke...that it's all okay. It's becoming increasingly difficult to grasp how I truly feel about it all.

Sorry, I should have been mindful that this was a family forum, but rest assured, I talk about my experiences and problems in very general terms.

Well, this really isn't an urgent issue. When I'm in a relationship, I am very loyal, but when I'm out of one, everyone's for the taking. What I'm trying to do is come to terms with myself. I know it is still a problem because if I were to break up with my current boyfriend, I'm not sure whether I would go back to it or not, despite knowing what I know now.

Hi lonenomad,

Well you said you were going to ask for a higher dosage of your lamictal so I am assuming you will be seeing your psychiatrist very soon? If not you should make that appointment as soon as possible. Be sure to let your doctor know everything that you stated to us here. Maybe you can print it and read it to him/her.

You said, "The thing I'm asking is for someone to explain to me how I can hate these activities so much and feel so disgusted by myself with them, and yet talk about them like they're no big deal, that I'm in control. Does anyone have any answers for me?"

You mentioned that you were in therapy for a long time. Are you still in therapy? I think you need to bring this up with your therapist to find out your answer to this question. If not currently in therapy I would suggest that it is time to go back to it. Most people who have bipolar see one on a regular basis.

Good luck. I hope you follow up with your doctors.