on the edge

im having a hard time right now. my best friend of 11 years has moved out of state. my crohns disease is bad right now. im having chronic migraines every day since christmas. and now i  found out that not only do i have hpv but theres a high probability that i have cervical cancer. i got on the 5th for a colposcopy so i guess ill find out in a couple of weeks.

im just really really afraid this is going to send me into a downward spiral. and im always afraid that one day im going to have another psychotic breakdown. it tool me a year to recover from that. now i know that i am well covered by my meds and the probability of either of those things happening is slim. but still i feel awful. i dont feel depressed exactly but i feel alone and scared and just not well. im preoccupied and right now i cant even work becasue of the migraines so i dont have that to distract me. i also think about the fact that i am pretty up to the max with a lot of my meds. what happens if i do get bad again? i know my doc said im the most complicated and severe case she has seen but i have to belive that there would be options if these meds fail. but then i think again how i am at the max and it just scares me. oh well, i think im rambling now.

i guess i need some hugs again, thank you :(

bunny

Bunny....hang in there girl....I understand how scary things feel right now...and I do understand the value of getting those feelings out...it IS important. So...continue to communicate. But just to add some perspective to the mix....last time your BP condition caused the breakdown I doubt you knew all you do now about it, you didn't have the support you do now, and you weren't communicating as clearly as you are now about it. As to the other conditions you are facing....my cousin had her entire large intestine removed, once that healed they rebuilt it with the small intestine by building a pouch and connecting it to the rectum. She was "bag" free in about 4 or 5 month max. She is now post surgery by a few years and feeling great! She just has to watch what she eats. As to the possibility of cervix cancer....worrying about it will not make the outcome any different that it is going to be...so until you REALLY have something to worry about...try to choose NOT to worry. Now, while the migraines are bad...I know I get them too. In fact one hit FAST AND FURIOUS last night. Here is what I do....first I take either ibuprofen or headache meds, then I get in a bath as HOT as I can stand it, then I use an ice pack on the back of my neck and head, and another on the top of my head reaching down the front of my face and above my ears. I sink down in the bath so the hot water and the ice pack meet at the base of my neck. Meanwhile I make sure the bathroom is in total darkness. Then I sip a regular coke for the caffeine. It helps if it is cold too. When the headache starts to let up a bit, I set the ice packs aside for a bit and dunk my head to make my hair wet and start messaging my scull. Then I use the ice packs again. I soak for about 20/30 minutes like this. Then it is off to bed for a bit where I brush my scalp REALLY hard with a brush to message it. Then I rest for a bit. By this point the pain usually reaches a tolerable level. Then I get up and get on with it while wearing my sunglasses in the house to minimize light.

I have shared all that with you for 2 reasons. 1 - what I am doing, albeit strange, works for me and believe me...when they hit...they are BAD, so I thought you might want to try my method. 2 - because I think that at this stage for you, you have a conscious choice to make for yourself (I am sure you know this, but sometimes it helps to hear it from another), and you can choose to be consumed by all the negative stuff hitting your body, or you can choose to not let it win or control you. I know you are scared, and you have a right to be, but if you let it stop your life...it will have already won. DON"T LET IT. You are big enough and strong enough to choose to win....no matter what. Don't aim to start for huge successes...aim for realistic ones for yourself. There are positive distractions, or things YOU want to do, all around you that you can focus on that will help if you look, or consciously choose!

Good luck, take care...YOU can handle it. We are all here to encourage you, support you, empathize with you, and cheer you on too. BIG HUGS TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!! LFW

Bunny, you absolutely have a CHOICE regardless of circumstances about how YOU want to handle things. It is ALWAYS your choice. You may not have a choice as to things, beyond your control, happening too you...like BP or Crohns, those are things that just are what they are...BUT...it is ALWAYS your choice how to feel about it, handle it, and view it, or how much control over your life you are willing to allow it. When a person is feeling like a victim about it...believe it or not, that is a choice too. They are choosing not to see that they are allowing themselves to hold it that way, respond to it that way...and by claiming no control over it...thereby in many ways justifying not being responsible about it or how their lives are turning out based on how much power they are giving it over them. When you choose to accept what is, but NOT let it control you...then you become responsible to your own life. You can choose to be happy in spite of your troubles. You can choose to take care of yourself, and set goals for yourself, and move beyond the issues your contending with. Look at all the amazing stories out there of people overcoming adversity, illness, trauma....they CHOSE to rise above, move beyond, embrace the situation and in some way make friends with it and got on with life in spite of it. Does all that make sense? Lance Armstrong is a great example...read his book...it is great. We ALWAYS have a choice in life regardless of the circumstances we each deal with about who and what we will be in the face of it, and how much we will let it win. YOU my dear, as hard as it seems CAN overcome and rise above ANY adversity you want. It ALL starts with a conscious choice on your part.

17 months ago, I woke up with my left leg paralyzed from a spinal surgery. I walked into the hospital that day, and woke up with a dead leg. My son's Bar Mitzvah was 10 weeks away....I was terrified. It took me a few weeks to gain my barrings about what I was facing...BUT...once I did, I made a conscious choice that I was not going to live my life without my leg working...I made a conscious choice and commitment to myself that I was going to walk again - NO MATTER WHAT. I didn't care what anyone said to me, I decided this would not beat me. I lived in a rehab center for a bit, started to learn how to move my leg again, the nerves slowly started coming back and talking to the muscles...and inch by inch...I got there. I now walk. I don't use assistive devices or any braces. I have been in outpatient rehab since getting out of the rehab hospital, and am just finishing with it next week. I also said it wasn't going to strip me of my life....so, I got on with living too. I worked, I've taken care of my kids...but I ask for help when I need it, I rest when I need it. BTW, I also have very BAD fibromyalgia, psoriasis, severe vitamin D deficiency, hypothyroid, endometriosis, borderline diabetes, and DDD that I have to stay vigilant about...etc. Plus, I am married to a BP, and have a teenage son with BP.

I don't know if knowing any of that about me helps...but I thought I'd share it so you get that I understand physical adversity. It is totally up to us how much of who we are, and how much of our lives we give away to those things. It doesn't change having them....but how we give away our lives and joy....that IS our choice. Just stuff to think about. Let me know if that method works for you with your next migraine....it does for me. HUGS...LFW

Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 2/22/2008 9:41:50 AM (GMT-7)

Bunny, it is completely understandable how you feel, and what you are describing. I hit those "MOMENTS" too. I think for ANYONE who experiences physical issues it is part of the process. BUT...I personally think the key is how conscious we are to the decisions we make about it. Such as defining yourself like you are talking about. Defining yourself as "sick" is one direction to go, OR defining yourself as a strong creative person who has various illnesses or physical issues that need constant vigilance is another. Better yet...a strong, creative person committed to living life to the fullest while dealing with on-going health issues...is another. See, depending how you phrase it, can determine how you hold it. If you hold you are a "sick" person first...that is your lead foot in the dance of life...and therefore the dance is harder...IF you hold it as just a piece of information about you, but not what defines you...then what defines you are the qualities about you that let you shine and you choose for yourself. Does that make sense to you? It starts with how we, ourselves, hold the information. Those need to be conscious choices we make, AND then discipline ourselves to catch and correct ourselves in the moments we want to go run and hide, or use the negative statements. This is ALL about disciplining our minds as well as our bodies. Analyzing what we are doing to support our end goals, and what we are doing to sabotage them. Being honest with ourselves about it. That doesn't mean not to give yourself the moments to rage at the moon for how we feel betrayed by our bodies, or how our lives are at times more of a struggle than we can bare....those moments are important to acknowledge. But when we allow them to ourselves...do it consciously by acknowledging to ourselves that it is for this moment that we feel that way, and we KNOW that is NOT the truth we choose to live in. That we will allow ourselves our moment to wallow in feeling bad for ourselves and rage it all out, but when it is done, we know we will pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and then move forward with who we REALLY are. By that being done consciously, we leave room for ALL of ourselves...not just the good, or the bad....but all of us in a healthy way, with what we want to define us leading the show. Did that make sense?

It is like we focus on our blessings, choose WHO we want to be, align ourselves with that, strive to succeed with that, and deal with the hardships in life that come up in the process while driving our life forward in the direction we want to take. If we momentarily, or in some way permanently, need to modify, alter, or shift goals, directions, or paths over time. That's okay, because as a conscious being with choices before us at all times...we have the gift of choice given NOTHING is written in stone.

Waking up to this issue is the first step. So...congratulations to your awakening.... Sending you lots of hugs...LFW