Need to get this out

I know its tough mogs ,but feel free to vent here ,do you enjoy gardening.Hope your mood changes for better soon.

yana

 

 Mogs, I am with you on this one. I have been very sad and depressed this week after my husband has been at a very low point. He is doing better and today I am doing better as well. Hang in there.There's always a brighter day if we can just hang in there.I am usually a cherry person but my husband's bipolar does take it's toll om sometimes. I wish you a much brighter tomorrow. Hugs, dtressed in bama

Mogs, just keep it simple with your BF. Tell him you are so happy he is home, you hope his trip went well. You want to hear all about it. You have been having a hard time as you've taken a downward swing with depression and you have been trying to hold yourself together. Stop there....THEN...just ask for him for a good hug. Also, decide on 3 things that would make you happy to do with your BF today once he gets home. Then tell him you'd like to do one of those things and HE can choose which one. Try and keep it honest, but stay on the lighter side with him. He will flow with you I am sure this way if he doesn't feel the weight of it all hit him the minute he walks in the door. Does that make sense??? Then for the heavier stuff, bring it here - to your therapist - a gal pal who is good at hearing you...etc. Hope that helps and you do things to soften your day. Maybe a good movie? There are some good releases, or good DVD's. I just love things like "The Banger Sisters" with Goldie Hawn, or ..."Because I said so", "Somethings Gotta Give" or "Mad Money"....with Diane Keaton. You know...light hearted brainless feel good stuff that offers a good giggle at times. Or some sweeping adventure that takes me away like "Robin Hood" with Kevin Costner, or recently "Eragon" or "The Seeker" or "Narnia"....or even...."The Incredibles" or "The Shrek Series"...etc. Any of those suggestions give me a break from spending too much time in my head and I feel a bit better after a break from myself. Does that make sense? BIG HUG to you Mogs...Hang in there! LFW

LFW--I read your post before my bf got home, and had planned to put into action your wonderful advice.  But he was angry and frustrated, so we got into another huge fight.  It was terrible.  On top of everything else, I have the flu right now, which started yesterday before he got home. 

Serafena, thank you sooo much for your post.  It is dead on to how I feel and what's been going on.  Those triggors are exactly what's caused this and made everything worse.  And with the fight last night, I'm still deeply depressed.  I've called crisis twice in the last 12 hours.

My bf wanted to end things last night.  He says he can't do this anymore.     After awhile, he then said he would give us one last chance.  I am confused today, b/c I feel like he's losing his love for me, and nothing could hurt more.  I also feel that I am doing everything I can, but I know with the depression I am still going to make mistakes.  And now it feels like the next time I get this low, it will be over between us.  And I don't feel that's fair b/c I want the same thing he wants--to not get into a huge blow up about it.  But for those times that I am not well, as long as I am going to my sources for support and battling it myself, for the rest of it I just want some acceptance.  So much is going through my mind.  I appreciate his patience and support.  Then there are the times where he can't accept and try to understand that I am not well.  I've told him so many times he doesn't need to do anything--I'll maybe ask for a hug--but just to accept what I am going through.

Last week, when all of you helped me to see that I need to use my other sources as much as possible to avoid these nasty situations, I put that into action.  I definitely did that yesterday, but at one point the tears came, and because of that, he was very upset.  I communicated to him that this is how I am going to be handling things from now on.  I'm not sure he accepted that either.  I expressed to him how much I am here for him.  I took his hand and looked at him to make sure he knew how much I mean that.  

My support worker and my counsellor both feel that I need someone who is going to give me some understanding and acceptance--crisis keeps saying this to me as well, but how are we ever going to get to that point???

I am the saddest I have ever been in my entire life today--I feel that eventually we are going to fall apart.  I almost know that's going to happen.   And this is the person that I have loved more than anyone before; this is the one person I want my life with.  It is absolutely killing me today to think that I'm going to lose this person who I love so much.

So just all of you know, I am still in coping mode for myself today, obviously b/c I'm still depressed--so any support is much appreciated.  Thank you all so much for absolutely getting me through this. 

Hi Mogli,

I'm sorry that things have been so very hard for you lately. You definitley have a lot of things going on at one time and I am sure that is what brought all of this upon you.

I had time that when I needed my hubby the most he was also away on a trip. I never wanted to tell him how difficult things were for me, because I didn't want him to worry while he was away.

LFW gave a very suggestion, and you tried it but you became over come by all of your feelings and it just came out. I know it was not the best time for it to happen and you tried very hard for that NOT to happen. But sometimes we can't control it.

For now, I would just apologize to him and explain to him that you worked really, really hard for him to not come home to that, but you tried really, really hard. I would encourage you to even call you pdoc during those times and just explain to him that you are working on meeting with a therapist ASAP as soon as your job comes through.

I know some of us get busy with things in our own life and aren't able to check the board sometimes. I'm sorry I didn't check in sooner.

I know you have back up plans and sometimes you feel you just don't have the energy to go through some of them. All we can do is to continue to push. You tried coming here for help, you tried some techniques on your own at home and called the crisis line when you had too. So you should be proud of your proactiveness!!! So that's why I suggest trying to get in to speak to your pdoc if all else fails. I think if he/she knows you are in the process of finding a therapist he would offer to help with more time for you when needed.

I don't think you BF meant it personally. I'm sure this is a lot for him to try to consume. I think maybe he needs an adjustment period also. At the beginning my husband had only a few clues on how to try to help me. Mostly he said he felt completely helpless. He too, just like me got better as we both went through things together. But mostly I shared the most with my therapist or a good friend. I shared with him only what I thought he could handle at the time. Later he starting asking how my therapy sessions were going and sometimes I shared it with  him and other times I didn't feel like sharing it with him. But when I did share, he learned a great deal about me and how my mind works.

You did good Mogli. Give yourself credit. You BF just needs some time too, IMO. But then again, I don't know the version from his side.

Keep the faith.

Sincerely, Sukay

Mogs,

I'm so sorry that things did not pan out for you. In truth...I am a bit confused as to whether when you tried to implement my suggestion he reacted badly, or upon his coming home, due to his own stuff...he came in already angry and frustrated - so you never got a chance?

Either way, I am sorry for you both that you had a fight over whichever it was. Never pleasant.

Personally, I think that you did all you could from what you shared to handle things responsibly...and for this you should be very pleased with yourself. I have to remind myself daily that I can not be responsible for how someone reacts to, about, or with me. THEY are responsible for themselves...like I am for me. It took 2 to fight. Perhaps, as much as you love this man...at this moment, he is not mature enough for your needs. That isn't to say he can't or won't one day get there....just to acknowledge that perhaps he isn't there yet. Plus, there are times...for whatever reason...we as humans feel the need to provoke a fight with someone, and that usually is with the person we feel safest with...our partners. Okay, not the best of plans...but we all...BP OR NOT, can get in a mood like that. Maybe he did this with you when he came home because something in his trip had not gone well for him, or he was upset about something that could have REALLY had nothing to do with you? To a degree, due to your BP, you make an easy target to get angry at, and the way you have described past fights, I question some of the validity of the reasons he may be behaving that way. Is it REALLY about the things he is saying...or is he behaving that way to release his own internal powder keg at a convenient target?

Either way, I know how difficult it is not to take his words to heart....regardless. But the thing is Mogs...this is the next step. You can choose to attach to his hurtful words or not. An example....my H and I got into a snit the other day because we are under a lot of financial pressure, I have been doing my business that isn't bringing in near enough $$ yet (although EVERYONE keeps telling me to keep going because it will...but that is another story), and suddenly his work became sporadic. The fact that I have been looking for work (which he wishes I didn't have to do to help), coupled with the fact that I haven't found the right job yet....triggered him to say he blames me for pursuing this "pipe dream that I have been" when I should have gone out 5 years ago and begun helping financially and he feels this is unfair additional burden and pressure on him. He then said that in his opinion...all I do is busy work that has no value. NOW....here is what I mean about consciously choosing what to attach to....I could have been devastated with his hurtful words, or I could tell myself that his statements were hurtful and to a large degree untrue....YES....I could have sought out employment sooner and continued to pursue my dream on the side vs. F/T....but....up until recent...he didn't want me to. That is a fact. Plus, I know that what I do for our family and household...as well as for him...separate and apart from my business ...has TOTAL value...he was just saying that to be hurtful. I don't have to accept that as truth when I know it isn't. If I did not do all that I do....he could not handle and be the functional man he is. My family would be lost. I know "in truth" he knows that. So...I CHOSE to notice the words but ignore that part of his rant. Words are just words if we don't do anything with them...I let that go in one ear, and out the other. Does this make sense???? The part of his words that held truth, that I could do something about, was hear that he now wants me to bump up efforts for finding employment so he/we aren't so pressured. And that I can and will do. So...nothing for me to be upset about, I agreed with him. But the rest....is HIS stuff...not mine. SO...I let it be his.

I know when you fight you get scared Mogs, BUT....regardless of what happens with the two of you. YOU will be okay, YOU will have a bright future. So you hang in there and just keep doing all the right things for you. You keep being responsible for YOU and YOUR actions and words and issues....and NO MATTER HOW IT GOES....you will be fine. I am thinking about you and sending you big HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LFW

Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 4/7/2008 5:51:42 PM (GMT-6)

mogs,   I don't know, but maybe going up in your antidepressant might do some good.  I think you really need some help getting over this funk.  You have had a big month.  School, internship...you have accomplished alot, and you really need to let yourself feel truly proud.

You are moving ahead in life, making positive strides...even while dealing with a sometimes dibilitating affliction.  You are strong and you know it.  It is time that you allow yourself to feel it.  One thing my therapist told me, as far as mending the relationship with my husband, is that sometimes what speaks the loudest is no words at all.  I think if you concentrated more on being happy, and feeling happy with yourself, your relationship will heal...just in him seeing how much better you feel.  I think that self assuredness rubs off on people.  I found that a huge shift for the better happened in our relationship when I was able to stop worrying so much about it.  I started concentrating on bettering myself, school, kids...things that made ME happy.   It was hard to do...besides the bipolar, I have always been a worrier.  But after a few weeks he avtually told me that it was nice to see me smiling more often and gave me a big hug.

Not to say we haven't had our share of disagreements, he is still healing from how I hurt him...lying, spending upwards of 50,000 in 1 year.  So he still has moments where is is depressed about it.  But overall I see things getting better.

I think you just need to tell yourself each day that you are worthwhile, that you have accomplished alot and are deserving of praise....self-praise included.  And just try , no matter how difficult, to try and find the good in everything.

Mogs, Think of your exercising as rehab vs. for "weight control". Prior to my surgery 19 months ago, I was in rank shape. But being forced to rehab as a result of the surgery...and fighting for my wellness, got me committed to the basics of 3 times a week. It was that or not walking. I chose to do it. Anyway, exercise is good for you with the BP, self esteem...etc. So, in a way, the benefits about that are like "rehab" for yourself. If as a result you loose some weight, feel healthier...etc. A wonderful bi-product has been achieved. My advice...START SLOW...AND I MEAN SLOW....if you are out of shape (notice I said out of shape, not over weight) stay within reason to start. Treadmill 15 minutes at 2.5. Bike, level 1 for 5 or 10 minutes. Stretch well. Do this for a week 2 times, then go to 3 times in a week. THEN, move tread time up by 5 minutes, speed up to 2.7, bike - level 1...10 minutes...etc. My point is by starting SLOW, when your body is ready for more...you'll feel it because this will be easy. Otherwise, you jump in too big and burn out and then stop going. This is not an option for rehab. SO....recognize that adding things in is a SLOW and STEADY issue. Push when you feel your body say YES....ease back when your body says....DON'T PUSH. The most import thing about "rehab" is consistency. With consistency, you become proud of what you are doing and it helps you stay committed to the process. Just like taking your meds, doing your journal, seeing your pdoc...etc. You are proud of yourself for doing those things...right? When you are consistent to getting your body to move....it helps ALSO build the "self esteem".

Good luck Mogs. I know you will feel better physically, and that will make YOU feel better too! HUGS...LFW

Amylou,

You have our demon, I see, the evil depression. I'm so sorry to hear it. Keep telling your doctor. Sooner or later he will hear you. Maybe you need something in addition to the depakote to help with the depression. Are you seeing a therapist? I couldn't make it without mine.

serafena