Bi-Polar Wife wants a divorce...

I am reaching out.  I have been with my bi-polar wife for 14 years and married for 10 of them.  We have 2 small children ages 5 and 7.  Last Saturday, she told me that she was divorcing me and that she wasnt going to tell and just have me served.  She gave me no reason.  I will admit that the marriage isnt perfect, but marriages require hard work everyday.  We have a tremendous more amount of good, then the bad.

I love and care deeply for my wife.  I have been through many of the cycles of her illness.  She isnt being herself, and believe she is in a manic state.  Which she all but admitted to.  She tends to cycle with the seasons...Spring and Fall.  I have done so much research this week on the illness to further understand.  She does come from a family with a history of mental illness.  She has turned to some of her family members for help, but I dont believe those people TRULY UNDERSTAND the illness.  I have asked for their help because of the seriousness, but havent even gotten return phone calls.  How do I get them to see this or share info with them?

She took herself off all her meds EXCEPT Prozac back in November after entering a depression in late September. Her medications included:

Lithium

Lamictal

Wellbutrin

Prozac

Abilify

Adderall

While on most of these meds she was...simply put, a zombie; however, the up and downs were A LOT more leveled out.  about that time I told her that I thought she should get a 2nd opinion because  she might be getting overmedicated.  But she decided she just couldnt live like that anymore and removed herself from the meds.  She came out of her "fog" in I would say January...Sometime in February, I began to see the signs.  Increased spending, needing less sleep, increased desire for risky behavior, and change in appetite to name a few. 

I have tried to communicate with her, but she just looks through me and doesnt even hear me.  I ask her to talk and she doesnt respond.  This is so hard for me, because even her eyes are different...She does look at me and tell me that "I'm Fine" "There is NOTHING wrong with me" , and "Just leave me alone, you are really bugging me".

Again, this is my wife for whom I vowed to take care of in sickness and health, for better or for worse.  I do not intend to give up on her for her sake, the children and this family.  I am going to counseling to see if I can find out more about me to remove any of the triggers I may create.   

She opened up to me a little more yesterday but told me not too get to excited.  She told me what it was like living with this 800 lb gorilla.  I asked her to get back on her meds and seek counseling for her, us, and the family.  I also asked her to give me a code word to let me know if she is getting aggitated.  She agreed and has used in once in approx 36 hours.

How do I get her to see that she needs help? 

ILMW, you are in a sad situation. Your best course of action is to contact her doctors and set up a group appointment immediately and try and get her to a therapist as well. It also would help to do some marriage counseling before action is taken to tear apart the family. You must know that if you cowtow to her illness, you are teaching her what you will tolerate from her, and she will quickly learn, if she doesn't know already, how to control and manipulate you with it. Here are the facts...illness or not, she is accountable - for her actions/behavior/attitude/choices/conduct...she has a husband, small kids who need her, and a family who depends on her that she has devoted 14 years of her life building. She is faced with a choice....throw it all away, or get the BP under control. Clearly if she was a zombie on the meds....it was not working. So her dismay with the meds is understandable...however, where was her pdoc in all this????? That is not what properly medicated should look like. Nor should she have gone off them all this time without his involvement...and yours. You are both part of her wellness team.

Now, with that said, it is good that you also go to therapy to seek support and help living with a BP, as well as what traits in you could use improvement and to look at what some of your own truths are - good and bad about yourself that have contributed to the difficulties over the years in the marriage. Whether you are able to salvage this relationship...which I hope you can for the kids sake, or not, learning these things about yourself can only support better relationships for you in the future with A partner, and your kids...and perhaps even, should it not resolve, what would then be your ex-partner (who will be the mother to your kids forever...so that relationship between you will have an impact on the kids then too!).

In a situation like this, don't loose sight that the innocent bystanders are your kids, and ensure that you protect them however you have to during negative swings of her condition. Ask yourself the hard questions such as - if she does not take meds is she capable of remaining balanced enough for the kids safety and to set good examples for them - to be a fully responsible good parent???...things like that. What she is looking to do is serious business...end a family. The kids need to be protected from the fallout first and foremost.

Just so you understand where I am coming from, I am a wife and mother to a BP H & S. I have been successfully married for 16.5 years (albeit not easy at times), and both my H & S are definitely on the milder side of BP2. My best wishes for you and your family. LFW

ILMW, be aware that when you say "help her through this" you know that it is THIS episode you are speaking of, because BP does not go away. It is a part of your lives ALWAYS and requires diligence and care at all times. LFW

Hello ILOVEMYBPWIFE,

Welcome to HealingWell. I hope you're already finding a good place to vent and get some outside opinions.

I would simply stress that she needs to be a willing partner in fixing the issue and if she's not than you're focus should be on your children and their happiness and protection. It's true that BP drives people to make bad choices, but we're still responsible for those choices and ultimately need to choose to do what's best for ourselves and our families. She needs to be seeing her psych to get that mania under control. I hope that's already happening. Unmedicated mania can spiral out of control and truly get dangerous. Family counseling sounds like a good next step if she's willing.

I wish you much luck.
serafena

That's a little tricky if you two don't ordinarily talk about her doctor's visits. But I always go for the direct and honest when possible. "Honey, I'm concerned you're getting a little too manic, I think you should visit your psychiatrist. I'll go with you if you want. Maybe it's time for you to try some new medications." Or something like that. It's got to be done gently or you'll make her think you're accusing her of something and you shouldn't do it right after you've had an argument. Do it when things are going okay.

You are far from alone in this my friend. every time my wife has a bad mood swing, or her meds are not working for that little bit of time, (hours that is), she crumbles in tears and through broken crying speech ALWAYS reverts to "I told you not to ask me to marry you!" But I did. Less than 1 year ago. June 19, 2008 will be 1 year. At those desperate times in her mind she also wishes we could just go get an annulment. How on earth am I to respond? I just keep my mouth shut as much as I possibly can, but sometimes I slip, like today, when I returned with: " I don't know how to help you honey." which no matter whether I say anything or not is ALWAYS met with a quickly closing bdrm door, and I don't see her the rest of the day.

I will hand her one thing on this note, she is very consistent with the same message every time she feels the whole world hates her and she needs to close herself up to everyone. Heck, we never argue. There is NEVER a raised voice in our home. but silence is possibly worse. because I am always left WONDERING what's next. Right now I would really love to go in the bdrm and talk to her, but she won't talk. she'll just tell me to go away, or worse, she'll get out of bed, grab her keys and SHE'LL go away. again, leaving me dumbfounded as usual on what to do next. I am so use to this for the past 3 years we've been together it's the norm when her mood takes a digger. that's not often mind you, but on weekends, it's pretty darn consistent though I guess, so yeah, every weekend would be considered OFTEN I reckon. ha!

no laughing matter I know. I don't laugh about any of this. nor do I share it with anyone except the ONE person she has granted me permission to discuss it with, a mutual really good friend who lives a long way away, so he and I talk on the horn a bunch over the years about it all. It is also very tiring, and often disappointing. for instance, this morning she wanted to go out for pizza and go to a movie (HER IDEA THERE!). I jumped for JOY and thought (and expressed of course) GREAT, let's DO! then shortly after church, she closed up, and everything changed. what happened between her WANTING TO GO DO SOMETHING TOGETHER, something we get to do only a few times a year. So it's not like either of us "go out on the town" or anything. She really hates it when I ever carry on a conversation with another woman. That has always triggered these episodes in the past when she sees or hears about me enjoying idle chit-chat with some lady I don't even know. Not that I have the "gift of gab", I am just a naturally friendly guy, but I never care to "get to know" another woman.

Kind of like Billy Crystal's response in City Slickers when the blonde gal introduces herself to him, and he replies "I'm married." Is my big shiny white gold ring on my left hand not enough to deter this emotional impact on my wife? Obviously not. my wonderful wife, and she IS a really wonderful woman who I love dearly, refers to my ring as a "golden stop sign." It would be nice if she would trust me. I have NEVER given her grounds not to. except one time when I woke up in the hospital from all the drugs in post-meningitis state and was suddenly kissing my old girlfriend who showed up next to my hospital bed. I had no idea what the heck was going on. I was drugged and delirious and a wreck. feeling like having been hit by a train and dragged along for while, and later having that held over me for a VERY long time. she really hated me for letting this woman kiss me. I was as alert as a stump in the forest when I was in the hospital. but that was then. this is now. and the usual closing of the bdrm door is back too. she REALLY hates it when I come in to talk or as her ANYTHING when she is in her little place of solace away from the world.

all that said, the forever return to "I wish you never would've married me!!! I told you not to!!!" gets old, but this is not easily remedied. so I keep my mouth shut again as much as I can, and only occasionally let out a peep of concern when a LOT of ice cream (called comfort food) is consumed. She hates how she looks, and just like this morning's phone conv. with her mom, who I also adore, when she said "Chuck's taking off the weight and I'm putting it on." It saddens me to see her make things worse for herself. those of us non bipolar folks can't understand why someone can't just do the obvious, not give in, and just convince yourself eating tons of junk food instead of carrots or something is NOT GOOD FOR YOU. bad physical health undeniably affects mental, spiritual, and physiological health too. she has been having horrendous dreams lately, so her physch doc put her on Prazosin. I don't know how much or anything about her dose, she doesn't talk much to me ever really. converstions in our household are unbelievably rare, and YES, I am well aware of the integral importance of communication. believe me. I could write yet another of the few million books on the subject. but she is so closed up I can't ever make any headway in the talking dept.

my wife also is almost done with her job at a middle school that I can't even begin to describe how bad it has been for her. she hates k12 regardless. we don't have kids, and never will due to both our mutual disinterest and her physiological inability to. we are both also currently looking for work closer to her potentially ailing parents, again, both of whom I really like a lot. I get along with her whole family very well, although she can't stand two [very visable] sisters, but her third sis and brother and parents she loves.

I really begged the Lord this morning in church and last night before I went and laid down next to her to somehow grant me the ability to find my own strength within to only see the truly lovely, loving, very caring, adoring, true, wholehearted 'n geniune to her ethics and beliefs wife at ALL TIMES. It hurts me when I criticize her silently in my mind as she lives solely on ice cream and pepsi for a few days straight, and WONDERS WHY she is suddenly feeling crappy for a week afterwards. she never realizes or makes the connection and I cannot convince her of the importance of good eating habits. It also has not stopped raining here for about a week, which as you all know very well, does NOT help moods any at all.

I ONLY have the truest praise for my wifes ability to always have a focus and insight on what really is best for her. I say I cannot convince her, but that is because she already knows better than anyone what exactly she 'should' be doing vs. what she 'is' doing to herself. she is an amazing brilliant woman with a very commendable grip on how things are supposed to be, and how they are in contrast. I hope when we move away from here and maybe buy our own home and have prosperous work for both of us somewhere in the next couple of months that she can "start over" with a positive attitude. she so dearly wants that for herself and for the both of us. see? she knows. where she works is an awfully negative environment, to which she tried but failed to NOT be affected by. a valiant effort indeed, but the system is too strong and makes every effort to make her life miserable.

All she ever wants is for me to go away and leave her. I married her because I love her, and more often than not, she very willingly shows her love right back.

anyway, life goes on. I'l check in with ya soon. been a while since I've been here I know, but been at least that long since there's been such a problem for so long. I guess, not that that makes any sense.

:)

Seenee,

It's good to see you again. I'm sorry things are as choppy as ever with your wife, but it sounds like you are keeping up as best you can. I wish you best of luck in your job search.

serafena

Hi,

I don't know anything about VT, but when my daughter is not stable she craves sweets and carbs. Yes, it is very unhealthy and I try not to ever have it in the house but of course there are lots of places to buy the junk food. She'll eat then skip over the healthy meals we prepare with her needs in mind. Very frustrating. When she is stable she'll eat more healthy foods. When she is struggling I try and find a few things that are healthy that she'll eat. Right now, it's fruit salads. Other times it been sushi, eggs or tacos. Last night we made tacos--but she had candy instead. I don't think there is anything you can do but have good stuff available that she likes and not bring in the bad stuff but this is one of the battels I don't think I'll win.

Good luck with finding work and the move to VT.

-Sue