Newbie and not sure where else to turn

Hello, I am new here. I am writing because I am having some troubles dealing with my bi polar wife. I'll first state that I do not know whether the problems we are dealing with are related to her disorder or not.

First a little biographical background. She is 37, I am 33. We have been married for 8 years and have three children (7,6, and 3). For the first few years of our marriage she was on depression meds but undiagnosed with bipolar. She went off her medications for our third child and suffered a very hard postpartum depression which ended up in her seeking counseling again and getting diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

For the most part we have a had a good marriage (excepting the period of postpartum which was pure hell on the both of us). We have had our issues like most other couples do but nothing that I would say is out of the ordinary or in the least marriage threatening.

However lately, i feel that things have taken a turn and though I cannot say if it is for the worse or not, I am getting really spooked. She has lost interest in sex and after my asking has admitted that her attraction for me has waned. This has me worried. She has a history of commitment issues and before we were married would just end relationships when she got to that point. I know that she ended a 6 year relationship for pretty much that reason.

She has told me that she is committed to us and to our family. However I still sense she is pulling back from our marital relationship and it's begin to really impact me. I worry about it almost constantly and have begun to stop even asking her what is going on since I don't want to drive her away by putting more stress and pressure upon her about this.

Don't get me wrong, I have my own issues. I deal with a fairly debilitating anxiety issue and can fully admit that my own tendency towards anxiety may be helping to fuel this feeling that something is off. It would be a relief for me to know that this really is just in my head but I cannot shake that sense that it is not and something more ominous is moving her emotionally.

Are commitment issues common to people with bipolar disorder? Is there anything I can or should be doing to confront her with my feelings or should I just let it work itself out on it's own? If she is losing (or has lost) interest in me is there anything I can do to improve the situation?

One note she within the last 6 months or so has moved from zyprexa to abilify as her mood stabilizer (zyprexa was causing her to gain a lot of weight and stupified all her efforts to keep her weight under control). She was fairly stable on the zyprexa but appears to be a little less leveled since she has moved to the abilify. I hesitate to mention this to her because mentioning her medications is always a crap shoot. Sometimes she is really open to hearing what I think and sometimes she really is not.

I am starting therapy tomorrow to deal with my anxieties and maybe that will help me get to a place where I can take a healthier look at what is going on.

Hi WorrierHusband,

First let me welcome you to HealingWell and to our board. I hope you can find some helpful discussion here.

Sounds like you both are in a very difficult place right now, and I can tell you as a woman (regardless of the bipolar) that's where a lot of the libido problems are stemming from. Stress and uncertainty. She's probably not feeling attracted to ANYTHING right now, even you. I can't guess what she's thinking about your marriage in general, but I do think it's a good bet your own anxiety is magnifying her signals into signs of doom right now.

Committment issues can be problems for some bipolar people, usually when they're manic, but committment problems are usually associated more with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I think before you confront your wife on this again, talk to your own counselor. Get some guidance on how to proceed. The counselor can teach you some ways to phrase things and situations to proceed in to try and make your questions the least intrusive for your wife and the most helpful for you.

BTW: Abilify isn't usually a mood stabilizer -- it's an anti-psychotic (for mania). Does she have another drug too? I would take the chance and mention this to her, or again, wait and talk to the counselor first. Meds are important.

serafena