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Posted 7/18/2008 3:41 AM (GMT 0)
Back to a serious depression. I'm pretty sure it's situational, but I know my meds aren't adjusted properly so I'm sure that's playing a small part too. Things bothering me right now...

The fact that I'm so physically sick and NO ONE knows what's wrong with me. Every day it's like there's something new wrong with me...well lately there has been something new wrong with me every day or two so I don't know anymore. Some of my symptoms have improved which really upsets me. Don't get me wrong...I'm glad they're gone, but with the diseases they think I have you have to be having symptoms for things to show up in tests for the most part. You have flares, when you're the sickest and have the most symptoms, and then there's remission. I have this stupid colonoscopy scheduled for July 31. I swear to goodness if they don't find something I'm going to be livid. Why? The ER wanted me to get this thing done within a day or two...this was on June 26! I have to wait over a month to get it done. If they would've done it when I was at my sickest they could've really seen what was going on. I don't want anything to be seriously wrong with me, but I don't want some test to come back as negative or inconclusive because I had to wait so long. The colon surgeon even said this was a possibility. So if I get no answers that means I have to wait til I get sick again and then have ANOTHER colonoscopy. As fun as I'm sure these things are I really don't want to be doing them over and over again til they find something. Then the fact that some members of my family downgrade my symptoms or think I'm crazy or faking. As soon as they hear nothing showed up on this test they're all going to feel like they were right. I'm sorry, but I am sick. I shouldn't have to prove it to people and I know I shouldn't care what they think, but I do! Let them come over to my house for a week and see how sick I am. It just really irks me.

Another thing that's bothering me that fits in with the first thing is my family doctor's lack of caring or refusal to investigate. I have this, what I call a medium sized to large marble (lump) behind my left ear. She saw it, she felt it. She said she wasn't quite sure what it was, but it could possibly be a lymph node meaning there's infection somewhere or whatever. I did some investigating of my own online and I am pretty sure it is a lymph node after checking lymph node maps and such. Did she do blood work, no. I called yesterday to ask AGAIN for blood work...no. I really don't feel comfortable waiting the 3 weeks she told me to wait before she'll do anything. Having something like this behind your ear is not normal and with all my other symptoms right now should not be ignored. I feel so hopeless.

Then there's more family drama. I had to cut an aunt out of my life this month because of too much stress and drama that's constantly started by her. Well I told my other aunt, her sister...my dad's sister, that I would appreciate if she wouldn't take sides and that I didn't want to talk about the aunt I cut out of my life. She said she'd stay neutral. Yeah, that lasted maybe a day. All I've heard today is stuff about this other aunt and she's even calling my dad on behalf of my other aunt. I don't call that neutral. I had to just get off the phone because I was getting so stressed out.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so alone. My dad keeps telling me to ignore the family members and just concentrate on him and my boyfriend. It's hard.

I left a bunch of stuff out because if I would've went into it all you would be reading til next week. I just really need support. *cry*

Posted 7/18/2008 3:45 AM (GMT 0)
We're here for you closure. Just breathe slowly. Try to meditate. I know it sounds silly but just take a few minutes to breathe and clear your thoughts. I'm sending you some positive vibes and hugs (((((HUGS))))))
Posted 7/18/2008 3:50 AM (GMT 0)
thanks hon. I just want to curl up in bed and never come out. I just don't see a point to all these tests and doctor's visits. they either treat me like crap or just pass me off to the next doctor. sometimes I wonder if it is all in my head. I must be pretty good though if I can make myself bleed. I hate this. *cry*
Posted 7/18/2008 3:51 AM (GMT 0)
I just want to give up. Not kill myself, just let these illnesses do it for me. Give up and get rid of some of the stress because of the docs. Sounds bad, but sometimes that's how I feel.
Posted 7/18/2008 5:11 PM (GMT 0)
still not doing well. don't know what to do anymore.
Posted 7/18/2008 5:20 PM (GMT 0)
sorry to hear you're not feeling better moodwise =( i'm depressed again as well. but i could probably control that if i wanted to. your problems are completely out of your hands and that's got to be a desperate feeling, i'm so sorry your doctor is unwilling to investigate.

i think my dog knows something is up with me, she keeps crying to get out of the room. *sigh*

sorry i couldn't be of more help, i'm right down there with you though. ;D
Posted 7/18/2008 9:22 PM (GMT 0)
thanks to the 2 of you who responded...it really means a lot, but I'm really losing hope.
Posted 7/18/2008 9:44 PM (GMT 0)
I wrote you back :)
Posted 7/19/2008 5:08 PM (GMT 0)
really not doing well...extra, not needed, stress has caused my physical symptoms to flare. plus obviously put me in a horrible mood. maybe I'm getting manic...I don't know, but I'm getting extremely agitated.
Posted 7/19/2008 5:39 PM (GMT 0)
closure

Hey there, hello.  This is Kitt and you will find me on the Depression forum but I saw your post and I know how you feel.  I had a year where I thought I would never feel like me again.  I was to depressed and anxious to even leave home.

Having physical illnesses really dumps me into depression as I don't tolerate ill well but I try to look at the bright side and know I will get better.  I just have to accept where I am at this moment in time.

Learn to take it one day at a time. Instead of worrying about how you will get through the rest of the week or coming month, try to focus on today. Each day can provide us with different opportunities to learn new things and that includes learning how to deal with your problems. Focus on the present and stop trying to predict what may happen next week. Next week will take care of itself

Instead of focusing on doom, stay in the moment. Give yourself breathing space. Consider what matters to you. Establish a few manageable goals, then take small steps toward achieving them.

Believe that you will get some answers from your upcoming scope. Remember you cannot go back so leave the past and keep moving forward. 

I am thinkin go f you and praying for you.  You are going to be ok. 

Gentle Hugs to you
Kitt


Posted 7/19/2008 5:45 PM (GMT 0)
thank you kitt...you have no idea how much your reply means to me. when you have chronic illnesses plus an emotional disorder it's hard to see past them because they take up so much of your life. I will try my best to just focus on today. I just feel like I'm watching my life pass me by because of how sick I am and because all I do is stay home and be sick. it's hard to have a social life when you're in the bathroom more than anywhere else, you know? I just have to keep pushing forward no matter how hard it may be...I just don't feel strong enough though. for the past two days I've just felt like maybe I should give up and let the illnesses take over, but I know that's not good. I go to the other forums here for support and honestly I don't know how they do it. it can take years to get things like this situated and I've just begun.
Posted 7/20/2008 12:09 AM (GMT 0)
sad  Dear Closure: Wow does my heart bleed for you. I've been where you are, up until recently, for quite some time. I would wake up in the morning and my first though was "What s drag, I'm awake again." It was like I wanted to just sleep and sleep and sleep so I wouldn't have to feel the pain anymore, none of the pain, the pain in my hearth, soul, mind but also, the pain in my body. Then, one day, for no particular reason I can relate, because I truly don't know why, I awoke feeling pretty darn good. It wasn't medicine I don't think, b/c all my meds were the same as before, although about three months prior, one doc caved and gave me some benzos, like clonazapam. Now, I had been having awful anxiety, and I do have a tendency to be a bit obsessive, so that might have helped. But there was a considerable time differential. Like you, I have Hashimotos (sp.?) and the comcommitant thyroid problems, particularly, hypothyroid, and I know that can make me feel achy all over. I also am diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, which is just now being legitimized by the powerful drug companies, a little redemption for those of us who haven't been taken seriously by the medical community for decades. I personally believe strongly that as hormonal relationships are closely bound, many people with Fibro also have thyroid problems and along with these goes irritable bowel. Recently, there was some research identifying large serotonin making cells in the gut. So, what if the hypothyroid is causing a reduction in your serotonin levels and that is contributing to the gut probs. Also, being serotonin challenged, you would be quite depressed. As to how this relates to bipolar, all I can report is that I know when I come out of one of my depressive episodes, I feel so blessedly lucky and upbeat, I have to be careful not to go over the top. Now, the only other thing that I did in the recent past, is start getting regular, good quality sleep. For this, I went out and got a good quality memory foam, mattress topper (1.5 inches) for under $80.00. Sleeping well, black out curtains, thanks to jennifer, not getting overstimulated in the evening. Warm milk, no coffee. As cool a room as I can get in this pseudo heat wave, we're having. The final thing I did differently from before, which might be contributing to my new sense of well-being, is make a short term plan, to liberate myself from a negative situation, and begin to develope a longer term goal of going back to school (maybe online), to get my masters degree. so, there you have it. I sure hope you wake up one of these morning and say, thank-you god for another day on earth. Love and best wishes for your speedy recovery, Do go get that colonoscopy, it will ease your mind but try to go relaxed  or they might have trouble getting the little camera, well you know the rest.
Posted 7/20/2008 12:34 AM (GMT 0)
Hi closure,

I'm sorry to hear you're having a terrible time of it. All of the problems just make the others worse, too. The depression worsens your ability to recover from illness and makes you more anxious about your lump. The Hashimotos and hypothyroidism you know worsen the depression. It all just rolls into a huge mess. All I can offer is virtual (((hugs))) and good wishes. Just keep writing it out to us. We're here for you when your family can't be.

serafena
Posted 7/20/2008 1:56 AM (GMT 0)
Aww...thank you so much you two.

tyno3...I hope you're right and one day I wake up and feel so much better. I know I need to stay positive, but it's so hard with all of this. It's just right now I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm trying my best though.

serafena...thank you for the support. having an unsupportive family definitely makes things harder. there's no one to talk to, no one to really tell you things will be ok. sometimes a little reassurance goes a long way, you know?

thank you again for taking the time to reply to me. it really means the world to me. *hugs*
Posted 7/20/2008 3:59 AM (GMT 0)
closure you are such a sweetheart! i think the world of you. i think you deserve so much. gosh.
Posted 7/20/2008 9:22 PM (GMT 0)
me again...more stress to deal with. I haven't really talked about this here because it hasn't been too much of a stressor...guess I had moved on a little from it, but my father is really sick. he was in the hospital and ICU a couple of months ago because he almost had a stroke and had 4 blocked arteries in his heart...plus an aneurysm. one artery was 100% blocked the other ones were just partially blocked. anyway they wanted to do open heart on him but couldn't because of other health problems so they're doing stents in the arteries they can. because of all this they took his driver's license away because he was having seizures...TIA...and to top it all before he got sick he just opened a bar/restaurant...like a week before. so obviously that's enough right there to cause stress, but add in the fact that I'm an only child, my dad has no significant other and a family that doesn't care...he has a brother and two sisters that aren't doing anything to help. I don't drive...my father was my main transportation to all my appts so now my boyfriend has stepped up and started driving us both around in his free time. his business was closed while he was in the hospital so he lost a lot of money/business. he reopened with the help of a neighbor, but business has not picked back up. my dad also can't do alot because of his health problems. he hardly has an income, has to pay the mortgage on the business, plus his home, plus all the supplies for the business and regular bills. because of all this he is EXTREMELY depressed and won't get help. he feels his depression is justified because his life has fallen apart. apparently he hasn't been telling me everything and now I find out his house might be taken away from him. he can't move in with me because I would lose some of my welfare benefits and that would just cause even more problems. I'm not really asking for advice on what to do about him because I don't think anyone can really help at this point...I mean if you do have advice great! but what I really need is some support. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so helpless...I can hardly take care of myself let alone my dad. this is just too much for me. very overwhelmed.
Posted 7/20/2008 9:29 PM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry closure. No one should have to endure the level of physical and emotional pain you are experiencing right now. If I could teleport myself to you and help you I would do so in a heartbeat. I will continue to send you positive energy and good vibes.
Posted 7/20/2008 11:40 PM (GMT 0)
eyes  Boy do you have a full plate, closure. It's kinda hard to do but you have to stay focused on yourself right now. Maybe later, when you're feeling better and stronger, you can help out your Dad. There are some small business advisory organizations that he might be able to get advice from. But if you exhaust yourself worrying about him you'll likely both go down. That losing the house business takes a while, usually the whole process is drawn out over six months or so, he has some time there. Also, there's the reverse mortgage option. Finally, maybe he can sell the business. But you, you need to stop borrowing trouble. You have enough, already. Try to plan one thing for you each day. Take a cool bath. Walk in a garden, do a manicure. Go to a music store, strap on the headphones, listen to some alternative music. Go to a museum. Just get moving. Best of luck. We have to get you out of the muck.
Posted 7/20/2008 11:41 PM (GMT 0)
Oh closure, I'm so sorry. ((((Big hugs))). For your father too. Your stress level is amazing. Please tell me you have a therapist.

serafena
Posted 7/24/2008 1:50 AM (GMT 0)
I can't imagine how frustrated and helpless you must feel right now. I am so very sorry. I am married to someone with bipolar, and I am just now trying to really understand it; but I do have the Hashimoto thyroid disorder and some weird pregnancy related autoimmune thing. I think that either the Hashimoto causes many other hormone/immune/lymph symptoms and problems, or perhaps the original autoimmune problems causes the thyroid and the other, I am not sure which came first the chicken or the egg. I finally found a doctor that will at least admit some of the things are related and consider it. What I did want to let you consider regarding your disappearing symptoms and illnesses that doctors miss and ignore is that, at least in my case, they have identified an antibody that "surges," so it is never the same and it "binds" other things-like the T3 in the thyroid meds (T4-synthroid- was useless for me), and because it is unstable, my symptoms and the prescriptions, are never consistent and hard to pin down. My mother and grandmother are also dealing with vanishing symptoms that noone can identify and doctors don't seem to take seriously. I personally think that they are all tied together. I noticed that many problems that I was having and going to other specialists for disappeared as I got on a higher T3 dose of thyroid medication. So, don't feel like it is "all in your head" just because they haven't figured it out yet! I am so very sorry for your pain and stress. I am glad that your boyfriend is there for you and your father. Please take care, and hang in there.
Posted 7/24/2008 5:10 AM (GMT 0)
aww...thanks mom2four. once I find a new doc that listens and actually cares I'm hoping to feel a little better...at least emotionally. being sick really does play on your head and then when you have a doc that couldn't care less it just makes you feel crazy. I have a pdoc appt tomorrow, which I feel bad about because the boyfriend has to miss class again for it, so hopefully he'll give me some hope. my lamictal needs increased since I've been in limbo because I've been so sick. it was supposed to be increased last month, but I couldn't make it due to illness and they do nothing over the phone.
Posted 7/26/2008 6:38 AM (GMT 0)
had a stressful night that I'm still trying to wind down from. my dad was MIA. I hadn't heard from him since Thurs night and no one else heard from him all day Friday either. so about 11pm I started to get really worried. my dad usually calls here numerous times throughout the day so obviously this was really out of the ordinary. I called his house multiple times, his pager, his cell phone, and his business. no answer anywhere and no returned calls. as we all know my father is very sick and is a high risk stroke patient so I didn't know if something had happened to him that way or if he got mugged/beat up on his way home from work because he walks home in the ghetto, sorry if that word offends anyone, now with no kind of protection like pepper spray or whatever. I was just getting ready to wake up my boyfriend to go search the ghetto for him and to check his house plus call the local hospitals and about midnight my dad finally called. he usually gets home from work between 8pm-10pm and apparently he was just walking home from work at midnight. I burst into tears as soon as I heard it was him. I then proceeded to yell at him and ask him why he didn't answer his work phone, his pager, or his cell phone. I guess he was doing something at work and couldn't hear the phones and his pager was dead. he promised from now on no matter what he'll call by 10pm. he felt really bad about worrying all of us and he should! I mean I feel bad that he feels bad because I know he's already depressed enough and feels guilty for not being able to do anything and because he has to ask for help now, but he can't not check in with anyone given his condition. oy! if this is what it's going to be like to be a parent I don't know if I'll be able to take it if I ever have kids. hopefully I'll be able to sleep soon.
Posted 7/26/2008 3:05 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Closure

I can't think of any good advice to give you, but I am thinking of you and you are in my prayers.

Cap
Posted 7/26/2008 5:39 PM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry you had another stressful night, closure. The last thing you need. You really need some anxiety meds that work to help you calm down. Your anxiety was justified, don't get me wrong, but something to help you calm down would have probably been nice.

serafena
Posted 7/26/2008 8:34 PM (GMT 0)
thanks Cap and serafena *hugs*

I keep reading all these posts here from frustrated spouses/partners of bipolar people. I'm afraid I'm going to come here one day and see my boyfriend posting about me. sad

I'm worried I'm going to lose my him.  sad   My meds are still not where they need to be and I've been a cranky b**ch for months now...especially with how sick I've been on top of it all. I'm not nasty or anything, I mean I don't really yell at him or call him names...I'm just super cranky with an attitude. I always apologize and tell him it's not him, it's me, but I'm just getting scared that sooner or later he's going to pick up and leave. I mean he doesn't deserve this crap. I did it again today over lunch. We had nothing really to eat here and he said he was thinking about ordering out. This was at noon. He asked me what I wanted I said it was up to him. 1:00 rolls around...still no decisions so I remind him we need something for lunch...he says he knows. Another half hour goes by and nothing still so I lay down. I figure he'll wake me up when he figures it out. I wake up at 2:45, less than an hour before he has to leave for work, and ask again about lunch. He says he just ate a salad he found in the fridge. This is when I get cranky. In a smart a** way I tell him I'm glad he found something to eat at least. He said he came in when I was sleeping, but didn't want to wake me up. I ask him if he was coming in to tell me he made a decision about lunch and he said no. So I just say forget it...I'll find something here...again in a pissy way. This goes on til about 3:00. Finally I yell out, he was in a different room, and ask him to please get me something to eat from anywhere....we have tons of fast food places by us. He asked what I wanted, I told him in a cranky way and he left. When he got back he barely said anything to me went to take a shower and got ready for work. I told him I was sorry and thanked him for getting something for me. He just kind of shrugged it off. So I got upset and started crying because I felt bad and I was pretty sure he was mad. He said he wasn't mad, blah, blah, he understood, blah, blah...and went to work. I obviously wasn't just mad about not getting food for lunch. We have this ongoing argument. I ALWAYS have to choose what we do/eat/whatever. We go over this about once a week because I get so frustrated with having to figure out what we're going to do/eat. So today I left it up to him and look where it got us. Him eating an old salad and me having to yell to get food. I don't know. I'm just really worried he's going to get sick of me and leave. I don't know what I'd do if he did. I mean now that my dad's so sick my boyfriend picks up the slack. He drives us everwhere, he cleans when I'm too sick to, etc. I hate being like this.

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