Life in HELL with a Bipolar Spouse!

Hi, I have been married to my husband for almost 5 years and it has been hell. I didn't know that he suffered from depression let alone Bipolar Disease, if I had known I wouldn't have married him.

I've read a lot about BD and know a lot about it but it doesn't help. I am originally from Europe and my husband is from the US. We were living in Europe at first, he had come there after we had met (3 months later) and after 3 months to the day we got married and all hell broker lose.

He beat me on regular basis every time he got mad or things didnt' go his way, but I, not being a weakling, stood up to him and refused to be a victim and fought hard... forgiving him and trying to figure out what was it that made this angelic looking man so demonic. He would cut himself to punish or block hurt, he would smoke pot and drink heavily.... then he blurted out to me that he had been depressed since he had been 5 yrs old, that nobody cared, that everyone left him, deserted him.. that I would leave him too for sure.. I tried to talk to him and promised him that I would never desert him, that I would stand by him no matter what. After every time that he would get physical I would swear that I would leave him (to my self), but then he'd start hurting himself and I would see that he was a very disturbed human being!

All this in a matter of few months after our marriage... for me, marriage is sacred and never once did I think about leaving him.

So, instead of being a victim I resoved into being a cure finder... took him to the best psychiatrist in Europe from country to country to figure out what was really wrong with him beside his depression, only one doctor figured it out and diagnosed him with Bipolar disease and put him on lithium and antidepressant, for a time he was better and not lashing out all the time.. but then his drinking and pot smoking ways interfered with the medication and things got out of hand again.

after two years, I thought maybe if we moved to his country things would get better for he hated Europe (which most people loved), no matter the lifestyle I gave him (I was making very good money and he didn't work, so we had an extremely comfortable life).

So we moved to the US early 2006, and for about 2 weeks things were good, we were staying with his family in his southern home state. But then all hell broke lose again.. the hittings, verbal abuse, emotional abuse... there was no end. I couldn't find a decent job for the little town we were in didn't offer many choices - he didn't work anyway, and so we continued to live off his family, which bothered me a great deal. i called the police 3 times but didn't press charges, once I was going to but he ran off before the police came....

He was taking his medication  but nothing helped... he was making no sense in the things he was saying, no rational thought process, no logic... he would accuse me of horrible things and call me horrible names... then he threatened to kill me... And his mother came to my rescue.. and next day as usual he felt bad... and begged for forgiveness.

I convinced him that I had to move to New York to find a good job and make a decent living, so with mutual understanding of our situation I made the move ahead of him, 6 months later he came and joined me. During the 6 months that I was away he after having been with several women in our bed and his abusive drinking and drug use had decided to get some help from a christian help group, and he had finally found a way and was doing better... and it was the group that had told him to tell me that he had had several women after I was gone... apparently he had to be accountable. When he had told me he was devastated and I told him let's concentrate on your healing and we'll deal with these issues later.

So he concentrated on getting better... and he had gotten better... or so I had thought. After he arrived here things were ok for about 1 month then it went down hill again... and now he has completely stopped taking his meds and just smokes pot and drinks beer and thinks that he doesn't need meds.

I feel so alone... I yearn for a human touch for he won't show me any affection... we have no real marriage and I keep on forgiving him and taking the blame for the sake of peace at home for other wise my life becomes pure hell.... but I am so fed up.. I have no friends here yet.. but i do have a greate job now... so that is my only escape. he makes friendships impossible...

I am at my wit's end and don't know what to do... darned if I leave darned if I don't.

I feel sorry for him, sure it is hell for me to be living with someone who is miserable all the time and is accusatory and angry and moody.. but it must be worse for him...

I can't talk to anyone who can really understand me for the few people I have known they all say just leave him!!!!! you can't live like this... they don't undersatnd the dilemma I am in. I love him.. and I hurt for him.... so leaving becomes very hard. For if I did leave him what would happen to him? he has no money.. I control the money for otherwise we'd have nothing and bills wouldn't get paid!, he has no job... nowhere to go.. even his family doesn't want him...

how could I have the heart to kick him out or leave him? and I am also afraid...

Pls help!!!!!!! I beg you, tell me or make me understand what I need to do.

Thank you!!!!! and pls be honest!!!!!!!!!!

 

sorry if that was mean, i just meant that it takes a very willing and very understanding person to take on the challenge of welcoming a bipolar person into his or her life... if you don't have it thennnn you might be SOL

maybe consider your sanity a little more. yes, he's bipolar, but if he's not willing to help himself, i don't think you're obligated to do much more for him. it's his responsibility.

i'm a youngin so i'm not good for marriage advice. but i do know a thing or two about being bipolar ;D

Hello Missyeu,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar forum.

You do have a very tough choice to make. You have a life to live all on your own. Your life could be with this man, or without.

If you stay with him, you are keeping him alive, but you are also enabling him to keep on living a life where he is completely irresponsible. No one is going to make him take his medication, force him to go to the doctors or stay on a wellness plan -- not even you, unless he wants to. That's bipolar. When someone is depressed or manic, they do only what their own moods tell them to do, and pretty much the rest of the world is out of luck. But as long as you keep forgiving him and taking him back and paying his bills, you are giving him absolutely no incentive to get on track with his life. Why should he? He can rely on you to take care of him, and then he can abuse you when he's angry.

If you leave, he is going to suffer. he will. He will have a hard time of it and you will feel guilty and sad, and all those things, but in the end, it just might be the best thing for him, because it will force him to face what his life really is.

Bipolar doesn't have to mean depression so low you can't take care of yourself, mania so advanced you're sleeping with strangers and spending money you don't have. It gets like that sometimes, but most of the time, it's somewhere in between. Many of us are operating much more functionally on a day to day basis. If you want him to operate more functionally, you just might have to draw a line in the sand. Make him take more responsibility for his own disorder and his own self-care.

serafena

ps. just fyi
the pot smoking is a form of self medication. his moods are extreme, but the pot makes him calmer and more even. he probably would be edgier without it. many of us struggle with self medication. not saying it's something he should be doing, though, my any means. just giving you his reasoning for it.

This is one of those posts I can't decide what to say about.

HE IS PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE. I'm sorry that I had to say that in caps but that is a fact I cannot and will not ignore.

Bipolar aside that is a serious serious issue.

I cannot in good conscience tell you to stay or help a man who beat you. Not to mention emotional abuse and verbal.

My advice to you is seek help for yourself first. Seek therapy, seek a way out. He threatened to kill you.

Your problem right now is not his bipolar illness. Your problem is your personal safety. Please do something about that.

M73 took the words right out of my mouth. It has less to do with the bipolar and more to do with the physical abuse. Bipolar or not, it's just not acceptable and using the bipolar as an excuse is even worse. You have to find a way to get out now while you still can.

I have read all your responses and couldn't help but cry, to have such compassion from total strangers when I had thought I was all alone humbled me greatly.
But first of all I would like to APOLOGIZE for having mentioned that I wouldn't have married him if I had known that he was bipolar. I didn't mean it in a bad way all I had meant was that if I had known the disease could make him behave like he has and the life I would have had with him I wouldn't have married him. That is all. so, pls forgive me for I meant no insult to no one! I sincerely mean that. I am grateful to have found you all, my gratitude is infinite!
I read and hear everything all of you have written to me and most of you are right, my mind tells me ABSOLUTELY leave, dont' even look back... but then my heart cringes and i can't breath and I get engulfed with feelings of betrayal and disloyalty... and it is true it is better to suffer 30 days (or however long) than 30 years.
But I have to tell you all more about me and him and us so maybe then you can advise me better.. yesterday in my desperation i had written without taking a pause, and my thoughts flew over the keyboard.

Before my husband came to my life I had never known a life filled with drugs (pot, etc.), anger, tears, abuse... for I was a person with such a sunny disposition that my friends called me bigger than life itself, and friends I had many. I was the kind of person who was always happy and always found solutions to issues or problems no matter what they were, very successful in career and life... not one single worry in the world except where I should go for my next vacation... Happy go lucky, I had know depression for about 2 weeks my self after coming out of Bosnia-I had been deployed to Bosnia during the war for I used to work for NATO- they called it post-traumatic stress syndrome, but I knew better.. for all the atrocities that I had been exposed to my very compassionate heart couldn't take it. In the face of it I was strong but once I got out I crumbled for about 2 weeks, I cried and cried... and with the help of my friends and change of scenery and being back home i became my old self again - but never ever even to this day forgetting anything!!!

When I met my husband he was so cheerful, full of laughter all the time... my friends were teasing us that should we have a baby that child would be born laughing... He was so full of life... of course he had come to Europe at the beginning I was taking him everywhere... showing him different countries.. traveling and experiencing the lightness of being...
So, after 3 months we got married and I had thought that it had been worth waiting all this time for my prince charming....
On our wedding night when he acted weird I didn't dwell on it too much.. for when we went to our hotel room, leaving our guests to continue without us, he turned the tv on and ignored me... I'd asked him if here were ok and when he's affirmed in the positive I just let him be thinking that he had way too much to drink and that he was tired.
After 2 days he started acting up, first it was with words, lashing out at me and fighting me at everything.... if I suggested something to do he would find every fault possible with my suggestion.. I couldn't understand this man... what was the matter with him?
Then after 3 weeks, he was in the spare room and I went to him and asked what I should cook for dinner... he looked at me very strangely and said "what the f___!!!! what kind of a woman are you that you do not know what to cook!!!!!!!!!"
I was speechless... I had never ever been address in such a fashion by anyone in my life, and it was so irrational, what was wrong with what I had just asked? after my initial shock I asked him quietly what was the matter with him? then he got up came within an inch to my face and grabbed my hair and yanking he said: " are you so very stupid that you dont' know what to cook? Be the woman that you need to be and leave me the F____ alone and go about fixing dinner!"
OH my GOD, what had happened? what had I done wrong? but I being very independent and not used to being treated like that I yanked my hair free and told him in a very cold voice that he should never ever talk to me like that nor should he ever grab my hair like that and try to intimidate me..
OH, goodness.... what a mistake that was... he became wild with anger and started pounding on me with his fists... kicking me and hitting me... but I fought him and tried to defend my self as best I could..... finally after 1/2 hr, I managed to get away from him... I was bleeding, and I turned a told him should he ever touch me again I would call the cops on him.
Then just walked out... I had to be alone... had to recoup... what was the matter with him?
When I got back home he was asleep.... then I kept my distance to figure out what to do.... but I wasn't a deserter, I wasn't raised like that... I also felt ashamed... but couldn't understand why... but before I had figured anything out we had another episode and I did call the cops on him... when the police came he told them i had attacked him, he was such a great liar and so believable..... the cops didn't know what to do... but told me and him we should get along! and get counseling!!! after they left, he had this weird look.. so evil... and told me that I would pay for it!!!
I just kept quiet... but then he started attacking me verbally.. and I was worn out and started crying and all of a sudden he started crying... and he became child like... begging me to understand... that he didn't mean to hurt me,.. that he had a chemical imbalance in his brain... that he couldn't help it...
then the whole truth came out... and i found out he was depressed since the age of 5 and grew up without love, didn't know how to love, thought himself not worthy of love... he was destructive.. he was no good... and that he had tried to commit suicide 2 times and that I was his Angel for without me he would certainly die!

And so our life of turmoil and abuse and rollercoaster started!!!!!! I don't know whether it is due to my refusal to be a victim or my stubbornness that there must be a cure, or my soft heart towards a man who had captured it, or my total loyalty and fear of God that made me stay through all the turmoil at the beginning but I had started researching and understanding... but no matter how I would handle the situation or him, a lot of times it was wrong! My logical, rational mind would approach him or matters with a systematic rational thoughtfulness but it would be wrong, and then after 1 near death experience and many many tears from both of us.... I succeeded finding a German doctor who cared enough to give us a helping hand and diagnosed him with bipolar.... but after 3 months of therapy his therapist that the doctor had found moved to another country and we were left without therapy. My husband being American spoke only English and finding someone who spoke English well enough in this little multi lingual principality of my county proved to be a challenge... so another hard time started and the lithium wasn't helping anymore.. and Bipolar wasn't that well known yet in my country... so we decided to move to the US and I thought this would be the best and hoped to get help from his family and the doctors in the US. But that wasn't to be so.
My husband when he is "normal" he is the nicest guy.. he is a lot of fun.. and is very loving...but 5 years later that I do know that he is very selfish, and very immature, and very insecure... he has no self confidence and thinks that he is not worthy of love.
I hadn't met his family until we moved to the US, and I can tell you this much I blame his family very much, both his parents and brothers and sisters.... but mostly his parents. I found out from his mother that when he was 5-6 years old he would go and stay in his room for hours and nobody would check on him.... because they had thought that he needed "his space"!!! I was outraged... how could a 5 year old need his space??? what was this space thing??? but now having lived in the US and having been married to my husband I see that being in an individualist country one's personal space is a cherished thing but a 5 year old shouldn't have been left alone for hours without anyone checking up on him..
To this day he won't stop mentioning it....so he grew up believing nobody cared... nobody loved him... for his brothers and sisters weren't treated that way.. and they seemed to be having fun all the time.

And, today, my husband tells me when he is good that I am his Angel that without me he would have been dead long time ago.... that I am his hero for I am there like a steady light house guiding him through darkness.....
Since he has arrived in New York he hit me once but the verbal and emotional rollecoaster continue.. some times it is quiet and we have a good time..... but since he has stopped taking medication it's gotten worse.
Last night I talked to him and begged him that he needed to see that the medication was for his own good... and that he wasn't just hurting himself but everyone around him.. and surely he couldn't be that selfish... first he got mad and then he talked.. and promised that once our insurance was active on August first he would go to the doctor and see what medication he needed. He explained that he was afraid... he had gone to so many doctors in his life.... taking so many different pills and nothing had helped... that the doctors didn't really care... and he was tired of living...
he admitted that he didn't know how to handle his anger and frustrations.. he wasn't capable of coping with stress... and then he cried like a little baby... which made me forget everything and my focus was to comfort this poor man...
Late last night I felt so guilty and I the feelings of betrayal were so heavy on my conscious that I couldn't sleep for hours...
Maybe you can better understand me now... and yes you are all right, leaving him is the only option but when I see so many homeless people on the streets and think that he could be one of them.. fills me with such fierce compassion for him that I know I just dont' have the heart!!! And the only solution would be to get help, if he doesn't take it then provide him with enough money so he can either go back home to his family or set him up in a studio apartment so he can start his own independent life and part ways that way... I know my self that I just can't leave without knowing that he is at least housed and is provided for for at least couple of months which would give him enough time to work. He has a college degree and what he does he does very well.
So, you see... it isn't that simple just to leave him... and yes the abuse is there and nobody should be subjected to any treatment on any level by anyone... nobody has the right to terrorize another human being, no matter what!!!
trying to understand this Bipolar disease is the hardest thing for me... a lot of times I don't know if it is the disease or him acting and talking the way he does. Is he really just a wicked, mean man or is the disease make him so????

I am thankful to all of you for supporting me... now at least I know I am not alone...
Easterbaby - thank you for sharing with me... I feel for you and if you ever want to talk I am there for you.
I have no children.. and I understand what you are saying, and like your husband mine tells me that he would never leave me for nobody would love him so unconditionally as I do and nobody would put up with him.
But of course then he'll turn for whatever reason and call me stupid and incompetent 100 times a day just so put me down....
How can I leave??? I feel so responsible....

I see where you are coming from. I have kind of been in your shoes, not to your extent though. I was in a long term relationship with a man who suffered from severe anxiety and panic attacks. I'm talking SEVERE. He would blame EVERYTHING on the anxiety. He was not physically or verbally abusive but I did feel very trapped. I felt that if I left him, he would either kill himself or become hospitalized. So I stayed in the relationship even thought I was miserable because I felt responsible for him. However, he refused to get counseling, refused to see a psychiatrist, refused to take meds, refused to even admit he had a problem. And I mean he couldn't even travel a 30 minute radius away from his home, thats how ill he was. I finally realized that if he wasn't going to take responsibility for himself, that I couln't take responsiblity for him anymore. In fact we were engaged to be married and we called it off. I think it's time to start giving him ultimatums. I completely understand your feelings of compassion and loyalty to him. I mean you married the man, after all. But he is abusing you. It's time to take a stand and like Serafina said draw those lines. He's got to take responsibility for himself. No one else can.

I too have a bipolar spouse who is drinking, although he takes his meds regularly.   I am fortunate in that he has never been abusive physically, but his constant anger, frustration and inability to take responsibility for himself takes its toll on me and on my two young children.

Recently (last Saturday) I told him that he needed to leave, and that I would not consider having him back until he was sober for at least 3 months.   He continued to drink all week, half heartedly looking for a place, and then came up with a "plan" so that he can stay here and "make things work".   I told him no, so he is now attending AA and will be out by August 1st.

We did this once before, about 2 years ago, and it was the best thing I ever did for our relationship.  He came home daily (sober) and actually spent time with me and the kids, rather than just being a physical presence in the home.   We had fun together, and when he was down, or frustrated, or wanted to drink, we weren't exposed to this - he did this on his own time.   And after 3 months, he returned and remained sober for several months.  Then the drinking started again, as he was diagnosed bipolar and went on great meds that made a huge difference - problem: he thought he was "cured" and so could drink again.   Obviously, he can't.  So I'm repeating the "get out until you're sober" process and we'll see.

I am hoping that a similar thing will happen this time, but that's up to him.  I cannot take responsibility for his choices, and I am very happy with my choice to no longer tolerate this around me or the kids.

Based on what you've written, your husband is abusive and staying isn't helping him - it's just allowing him to go on blaming anyone but himself.   From someone who enabled for far too long, you need to get him out, for yourself and also for him.

But, just as a warning, you need to consider the likelihood that he will lash out at you when you leave or tell him to go.   I recommend having a bag of spare clothes, $, toiletries, spare keys, important documents and other necessities packed and in the car at all times in case you need to leave quickly.  And get a safety plan - you can talk to your local women's shelter about this.  Have a cell phone if you can, and if you are planning to deliver an ultimatum, let a friend know who can call you or drop by to make sure all goes well.   Have a code word (i.e. "chocolate") that you can use with friends or family if you need help immediately.  Ensure you have access to money, and you may want to move money from joint accounts into your own account - bipolar is known for excessive spending.

 

If you are worried at all about his suicidal threats, call his doctor or take him to the hospital for an assessment.  Know that sometimes this is an emotional blackmail technique to make you stay.

best of luck.

Well... clearly you are incredibly in need of comfort. I can tell you I am the wife of a newly disagnosed BP. He was physical with me years ago and assaulted (badly) 2 nurses recently. In my state when all this happened, the one thing the pdoc said to me made sense of it all. BP does not cause physical abuse. The person has that characteristic in them and it is heightened drastically during a manic episode. But the BP does not cause abuse. That belongs completely to the person. That, needs therapy. My husband is now finding out in therapy that his problems began in a very complicated childhood and the therapist is calling his mothers relationship with him " emotional incest". In the end, even though I am not BP I have seen how wonderful, intelligent and yes, VERY COMPASSIONATE the BPs are on this forum. My husband is not with us, but not due to this BP, it is simply due to who he is with his own issues. I can live with mood swings, not abuse. Perhaps this is the case for your husband and in that instance, leave him. Please, please, please, BP is a very difficult thing to live with, yes, I agree, I'm still doing it from afar, but......I know if my husband was a different guy, I could live with it.

Don't put yourself in the self pity stage for long - it takes more courage to leave a relationship than stay in one. You can't be responsible for someone elses happiness - you are supposed to be "sharing" happiness. If you really want to help him - than leaving would be the best thing for him to grow up.

     Hi, I am so sorry for your pain, I do understand. I have been married to a man for 38 years,of which the past 15 have been mostly hell. I keep thinking I can save him but in reality I cant. He has to save himself. He is off and  on his meds and binge drinks every few days or weeks, Right now he is gone since this morning and I dont know where he is. Last week he was gone 3 days. I have tried everything in my power but the fact is is is not accountable for his actions. I think by allowing this behavior he knows nothing will happen when he comes home. I want to stay with him but I am too tired to try anymore. I want to tell him he has to move out and deal with all of this. I pray he will and not just continue to fall apart. I will pray for you also. Be strong and take care of yourself. You have no power over his life only yours,

Hi,

I just wanted to say that I undersatnd your situation and my heart goes out to you. This lot on HW are brilliant and say it like it is form personal experience. You find not only the sufferers from Bipolar but also the Carers/partners/family. It's been important for me to see both sides and with their knowledge and own personal experiences im able to filter out what is applicable in mine and my ex-partners situation.

So be strong and make the decisions that are right for you but realise your'e never alone as long as you have access to this site.

Take Care and Good Wishes your way.