suicide attempt

Well I came down with a crash from my first huge manic episode. (if episode is the proper word for it) On my previous post I had said that I'd never had one this huge and it lasted so long. Tuesday the 29th of July I got out of the hospital after taking an overdose over the weekend prior, and it is 1:48 am on the 30th and I can't sleep. I have this constant thought of hurting myself, but then I chicken out. I feel as if I am out of myself attempting to convince everyone that I am ok, but right now if I had enough nerve I would do it. My boys are very upset with me, they said "mom you can't keep doing this to us" and I feel bad but I did not even plan the overdose it just happened and I can't remember doing it. It did not help that I told my husband that when I was in the manic episode I was unfaithful to him. I really do feel so bad right now. I felt so strange for about two days prior to my attempt, but could not bring myself to tell anyone about how I was feeling. What a cop-out I am. Has anyone felt this way before. I feel so strange like I will never feel right again. I am afraid that if I tell anyone about "just thinking" about hurting myself they will put me back in the hospital. I also need to go back to work this week. I sure could use some advise. [img]/community/emoticons/confused.gif[/img]



{I had to edit out the violent details of your suicidal thoughts -- serafena}

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 7/30/2008 9:26:23 AM (GMT-6)

I agree wholeheartedly with missflip. You can't risk it. This is too dangerous. If you're having suicidal ideation (which is what this is called) you need to tell your doc. He/she may mess with your meds or suggest you go back to the hospital, but clearly the suicide risk didn't get entirely cleaned up while you were there last week. Work will wait. You are not well. You MUST take care of yourself first.

Some tips on things to do instead of cutting (from my days as a cutter) -- write about your feelings instead, go for a walk (not if it's 2 in the morning, obviously,) watch a distracting movie -- preferably a comedy, use a marker to draw lines on your wrist instead, use a rubber band to snap your wrist instead, call a friend, wake up your husband and tell him you need his help because you're in a very low place. (I think if he knew what you were thinking about he would appreciate being woken up and asked to help.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a terrible feeling but you can fight it. It's not inevitable, it's not natural or right. You will persevere, just hang in there and your psych will get your meds adjusted.

serafena

I just wanted to say to please hang in there and do what you need to do to feel better.  You are supported here.  Glad to hear that you have an appointment lined up.  I'm sending many warm hugs your way.

Hi dknight,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar forum. I just noticed you snuck on in here all quiet-like.

Why not take a moment to start a New Topic and introduce yourself to us. We'd love to know a little bit more about you.

Thanks!
serafena

Try to hang in there. I don't know how old you are but I'm 51. I founds the ups and downs much more profound in my late teens and in my twenties and a bit in my 30's. At my ripe old age, I can now feel the manic swing coming on and get it stopped before it becomes full blown mania. Therefore, the falling back to depression doesn't hurt so much. Regular schedule, regular meals, serene activities, no booze, lots of tea, writing in a journal or on this forum, can help dull those sharp edges. Best of luck.

In the few weeks since my suicide attempt my mind is becoming more clear on what I should do now and how to help me into the future.  Yes just last week one time or two I felt suicidal, but I seem to be slowly getting stable.  I cleared the air for a few things with my husband and few we are moving back in the same direction.  I also told my husband not to break my heart with anymore games he plays because I would not be able to take it.  So I see what you mean about the actions we should take when these feelings come over us.  I am hoping that becoming stable for our illness is very important, but safety is even more.  Having a friend that you can go to help with the need to have someone who is at a level place in their thoughts to help us, plus your courage.  Hold on to your friend and your courage.