Hi - New member - Bipolar spouse

Hi, I am new here and I am living with a bipolar spouse.  I came here in order to understand other personal stories from people living with bipolar and people who live with bipolar spouses.  Even though my wife has been diagnosed with bipolar for about 3 years, I'm sure that the connection is genetic through her father's side of the family.  I decided to reach out as the symptoms are worsening pretty dramatically, and I am very scared of the future and more so after reading so many posts/stories about spouses living with bipolar.

We have been married four an a half years and, as long as I have know her, she has been very dramatic, sometimes moody, and suffered from minor OCD (bad thoughts vs. hoarding).  She had always managed everything without medication, although did work with her doctors (primary care) to try Zoloft, Wellbutrin, and Cymbalta.  These had pretty good effect and eliminated her bad thoughts.  She became pregnant and had to stop taking the meds, but no problem, as she was fine through the pregnancy and relatively happy.

The trouble started after my daughter was born. Through the post pardem period and thereafter, depression came out.  I think we all thought, meaning her and our family, presumed this was the usual effects after the pregnancy.  She became more depressed with the resuming of the bad thoughts as time went on.  The doctors placed her back on the Cymbalta.  That helped quite a bit for a couple months.  Then, she developed a new symptom, panic attacks.  At that point the PCP referred her to a Psychiatrist that made a diagnosis of Bipolar II (with OCD).   She was prescribe Prozac instead of Cymbalta.  That ended the panic attacks and she felt better and closer to normal for about 3 months.  Then a new symptom developed: Hallucinations. 

My wife sought a different Psychiatrist whose diagnosis was the same.  He did a comprehensive evaluation of family history, medical tests, MRI, and Bipolar II (with OCD) was still the answer.  We were thrilled that we had an answer to the depression and strange symptons occuring- and had an answer for the OCD.  The answer at that point was to put here on Cylexa (sp?).

That worked well for about three months until the condition seemed to evolve more.  She started to expirience mood swings in the form of slight mania and then depression again.  The doctor perscribed Abilify to help regulate her mood, with the Cylexa.  That threw my wife into a stronger mania on which she'd only sleep a couple hours, kept busy doing so many things in her social life, and kept this house spotless.  Unfortunately, when she was ready to buy a new car, we all realized, and the doctor too, that the manic condition was too severe.

After that, she tried many combinations of mood stabilizers and a major roller coaster that lasted months (this was this past winter).  It ended in a trip the the ER, and hospitialization as the depression and void that she felt led to a shut down and feelings of suicide.  The final mood stabilizer that she was on was Lamictal- which is typically a very good stabilizer and anti depressent.

After the hospital stay, they stabilized her medication by removing any mood stabilizers and started with a higher dose of Cylexa.  She has been using Kalonopin to help with stressful situations, regulating sleep, etc... She just about resumed normal life... enjoyed taking care of the daughter, started to work full-time at home in a telecommuting position and has been working out vigorously at the gym to regain her physique after her expirience with the mood stabilizers and weight gain.

It seems like we've had another evolution in her condition recenty.  After being fairly stable for about seven months, she expirienced hypo-mainia.  She has taken on so much responsibility in addition to her work and daughter, and just about going non-stop.  She's been more willing to spend money (traditionally a saver).  She hungs on the message boards and and with her busy life style, there was little time for our relationship.  When I wanted to spend time with her, she didn't seem interested.  She found a another guy online to emotionally connect with and has recently had long phone conversations with online/ and phone. She's been more flirtatious with other men at the gym and other places.  That bothers me, but I felt it was theraputic for her to solialize and feel needed.  We recommended her (myself, her mom, family) trying out another mood stabilizer as this level of mania was clearly becoming unhealthy.

Three weeks ago, the doctor started her on Lithium with the Cylexa.  It went all down hill from there.  I have been percieved as the enemy from that point on (her mother to a lesser extent too).  Not because we recommended a mood stabilizer, but in general.  She has done nothing but pick a fight with me or attempt to.  She tells me I'm worthless, never loved her, never pay attention to her, and am pathetic.  She tells her friends and other people at the support group that I mentally abuse her and over-dramatizes to put me down (I overheard her conversations).  Her "boyfriend" stopped talking to her.  She confuses me with him and really lays into me even if I just ask to see how she is doing.  She wants to separate from me and me to move out and still pay the mortgage.  I wouldn't and she has "in-house" separated from me only to speak with me on stuff that concerns watching our daughter.

Obviously, quite a bit of this is related to the Lithium she is on.. but, unfortunately, more and more I attribute to the evolution of the bipolar.

In the time that she started to worsen after our daughter's birth, her younger sister was diagnose bipolar and worsened rapidly.  She's having similar issues with medicine.

When she argues with me,  my initial reaction was defensive.  I probably said a thing or two here that hurt her and I deeply regret.  After that, my approach has been supportive; I ignore the hurtful things she says.  I know its not my wife that I am really arguing with. Her eyes get glazed over and its almost as if she runs through the same script- trying to hurt me.  She's very incoherent during those times and sometimes doesn't make sense. This I feel is triggered by the stress of the day, and as I mentioned the medicine.  She's so much better in the morning and worsens through out the day.

All this year, I have really felt empty.  It's like a bad nightmare that I will wake up from and return six years prior.  I feel so angry inside that I have been here supportive, but not perfect, this past year and all she wants to do is get attention elsewhere and ask me to separate from her.  I feel so angry that when I try to explain how I feel, she turns it around on me and takes offense.

I have bipolar on myside of the family too.  I'm very certain my mother is undiagnosed, and my grandmother has had bouts of depression her intire life, including hospitalization.  I've expirienced issues with panic, and aggressiveness that I have felt get worse recently.  I thought that I might have been bipolar as well.  I sought the help of a pshychiatrist as well.  They diagnosed me with ADHD... that medication has worked fantastic.  Even though it has, I still felt that I wasn't right.  We tried Lamictal and I really thought that it did nothing for me, so I quit the medication last week.  I was wrong. it did work.  I felt the saddest and most helpless of my life.  I have since been back on it and felt stronger.  I read Lamicatal has anti-depressant properties, and  I believe that I'm not necissarily Bipolar, but depressed.  Reading the Internet, I see that depression takes a toll on men different than women.  I think the stress of the last year has caught up to me.

I decided to write because I feel so alone and scared that I need advice on how to hang in there.  The thing that has truly scared me was reading other threads on living with Bipolar spouses and the fact my wife's condition is definately worsening.  90% of marriages w/ Bipolar fail? 

Thanks for reading.

Post Edited (mth) : 11/5/2008 6:00:49 PM (GMT-7)

Hi Mth,

My story is very similar to yours. My wife is bipolar and was diagnosed five years ago. She had her first manic attack six years ago. I called the Dr  on advice from church pastoral care worker and my wife took it that I was trying to put her in hospital. From then on everytime she has relapsed (4 times) I have become the bad guy.

My wife is just coming down off the last manic attack and wants a divorce. I'm sad as she has a supportive family, me and three kids. She is throwing this away and has no immediate family to rely on.

I have alot of support from my local church. They have provided practical help looking after the children and being there to listen when needed. Both me and my wife get support this way.

I've not looked after myself during my wifes illness and now I'm emotionally strung out. After six years I've learnt the hard way that you need to look after yourself if you are to be able to carry the stress of being a bipolar spouse. Get support where ever you can. For info my wifes meds are lithium, sertraline and Zyprexa. Zyprexa is only used to bring things under control in a crisis, the other two are taking daily as a preventative.

My fiance is bipolar and I am not. We had to postpone our wedding and honeymoon this summer due to a depressive cycle which lead to a hospitalization.

Having said that...I should add that he and I are both committed to his treatment and attend therapy together (and his pdoc appts). His recent hospitalization did the trick and his med combo has been steady and stable for 4 months (lamictal, lithium, risperdal [for the paranoia that accompanies his mania] and klonopin for anxiety, when needed).

Even though he is stable, he still experiences moods and is sensitive to stress. I do believe that without total commitment and support from me, his family, our therapist, his doctor, my family, our experience would be less stable and more traumatic.

We did have traumatic times, I won't get into the gory details, but hearing about some of the things he believed was happening due to the mania made terrified for him, myself, and our future.

You do need to take care of yourself. I would have heart-gripping panic attacks driving home from work when I knew he was in the midst of an episode. I was no good to him like that. I got medicine for my own issues and have an individual therapist where I can vet my issues unrelated to our relationship and some that are (deep-rooted what-ifs that would only stress him out and would be unproductive for his treatment)

When he told me of the paranoia he was experiencing due to his past diagnosis of bipolar (he went off and on meds for approx 4 years), I gave him an ultimatum. We tackle this head on, or no me. I love him too much to see him suffer (and I love me too much to suffer with him) throughout his life when I knew there were options and resources available to enable him to live a healthier life.

We've had bad pdocs and trials of meds that made him worse, and hospitalizations...but, we're on a stable path now and who knows what the future will bring. I know what I'm getting into at this point and feel better equipped to handle a crisis should it occur.

There is hope for bipolar relationships. There is. A lot of the spouses come to the board during a crisis when there seems as though there's nowhere else to turn. I did.

I'm not telling my story (again) to flaunt it, I'm retelling it b/c I want other people with a bipolar spouse to hear it. It can be better. We're not wealthy, we're just two people madly in love, slugging along, trying to make it work. The meds are expensive, my fiance just got a new job w/ health insurance (thankfully), but for a while we had him on a patient assistance program to help him get the meds he needs. The pdoc gives us samples and he's partly on a scholarship at the therapist.

Things are coming together and we hope to marry this summer and have babies, who might have bipolar and you know the story...

I'd rather be with him, bipolar and all, than without him, any day of the week.

I'm sorry things are so tough right now, mth...there are other med combos for her to try, and her lithium might not be "in the window" and thus not successful in controlling her mania.

IF you could get her to submit to a blood test, that may be revealing, one way or the other.

Keep posting to let us know how things are going.

Hi Mth,

The meds are working but I don't think the mental health team really understand why. It's very much a try it and see approach. But for info I have noticed the following.

The Sertraline is a low dose of 50mg per day. I'm not sure if this really is of any use other than in the depths of depression but my wife finds it reassuring to be on it all the time. During a manic phase I suspect she should not be taking it.

The Lithium is taken at 1000mg per day. That's a high dose and has removed the small highs between each major relapse and noticeably its removed or greatly reduced the phsychotic symptoms this time round. The Lithium is the main mood stabiliser and is taken daily as a preventative.

The Olanzapine is only taken when approaching or during a manic / depressive phase. This works well when my wife agrees to take it. Now anyone reading this reply will likely know that's the biggest issue. As in all relapses my wife has refused to take additional medication till the last possible moment, manic highs can be nice to the one with BP. That said when Olanzapine is taken at a high dose (15mg - 20mg / day) my wife has come down off the manic phase after about a couple of weeks. The normal procedure then is to reduce the Olanzapine slowly down to 2.5mg then nothing. This takes several months to achieve. We found stopping the Olanzapine too soon caused a repeat of mania or depression.

The Olanzapine is an anti-phsychotic aswell as a tranquilizer so it reduces the anxiety and paranoid thoughts and at the same time has a sedative affect. Taken at night it helps my wife to get a good nights sleep which in itself helps reduces the mania. Taken at a high dose of 15 or 20mg it slows my wife right down. This is particulary beneficial in the throws of a manic high as it reduces the risk to herself and that of myself and children. I think the best thing for my wife during mania would be to take 15 - 20mg Olanzapine daily for atleast 2 weeks and not reduce until signs of mania had subsided. Unfortunately I suspect this will never happen as mania itself seems to provide such a good feeling that my wife actually enjoys it and loses insight into  the negative affect on family. In all cases so far Olanzapine has been started near the end of the manic phase and approaching the depressive phase that always follows.

The mental health provision where I live isn't all it could be. The medication is really the only treatment on offer. My wife sees a phsychiatrist once a year. The rest of the time she sees a CPN, community phsychiatric nurse (home meetings). The CPN's change frequently and some are definitely better than others. The CPN's aren't able to provide counselling either. I phone them each time my wife relapses and they ask my wife to take Olanzapine if they consider it necessary.

Good luck with your wifes med.

bpsoshare