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Posted 2/11/2007 11:29 AM (GMT 0)
Hey, I am new here, but I have been reading on many forums and have had experience with 3 Bipolar people in my lifetime. YOU & I are going through almost EXACTLY the same thing right now. Same responses, though I am a guy. It IS indeed very hard when the other person can appear so very casual about it all, and even "laugh" as you say. I have heard the same. Don't buy it though. You have to do what you have to do, but deep down that person is hurting. Maybe doing a good job of hiding it, and using denial (as most guys and gals can and do) but nevertheless there is hurt there, and maybe tears you will never see. A fresh start is a way of running from fear, which is ever present (at least that's what I have noticed). So yes, I am hurting pretty bad as well. This person was a best friend to me, a real sweetheart. And I tried to be the best friend to her. Once I was the most trusted person ever so far in her life -- now . . . Wow. Amazing turnaround, and I am left as baffled as you. It's tempting to get bitter at times, because I was so caring that I had to be backed off by extreme cruelty. But that caring had always been so well received before. I understood bipolar (I thought) but I didn't understand this. Goes to show that as much as you THINK you know, you are STILL HUMAN, and can be hurt. Logic is no defense in such a case. Try to remember that and BREATHE and take some time. Best if they are given time, or trust me when I say things are likely to get even worse. But pop back in after a month or a few of them. And above all, let THEM dictate the pace of the questions and conversations. Hard as that is. Because they are likely to be evasive and not want to deal with what they fear -- the aftermath of their mood swings. Understandable really. I've made a few mistakes even without Bipolar magnifying them or my fears, and it wasn't easy for me to face them. Please take care, okay.
Posted 2/11/2007 4:24 PM (GMT 0)

Hey Senpai, thanks for responding with your experience.  It's so hard to hear that so many people are going through and feeling the same thing I am.  I am still hurting pretty bad...trying to pick up the pieces and move on. Its funny how yes the caring was so well received before and now its just considered annoying, I still cannot understand this even though I try to.  I'm just taking one day at a time...and taking a lot of deep breathes to get myself through this.   Its been a while since I have spoken to him but called him on Friday to see how he was doing.  He seemed to be doing well, although I can't say for sure.  It seems he doesn't tell me how he really feels, he tends to tell his family how he really feels. For his sake I hope he is really doing well.  Its been 3 full months now that we have been broken up and its still hard for me.  Valentines day is approaching and its been hard as Valentines day last year he sent me flowers.  This year I decided to send him some flowers as a loving gesture and let him know he can still talk to me if he needs.  Hopefully by doing this I don't piss him off even more. 

How are things now with you and your partner are you still with her and have things improved?

Posted 2/11/2007 5:37 PM (GMT 0)

Hello there Senpai - I'd just like to welcome you to our dysFUNctional family :-)

You'll find wonderful people here ready to help , and the support is second to none yeah

Feel free to post whenever you like ,

Smiler tongue

Posted 2/11/2007 11:01 PM (GMT 0)
Well, unfortunately I didn't like being lied to, and I always tried to encourage gently that she speak the truth to others instead of avoiding what she though might end up in a disaster -- which really was her fears talking. She did this, at first. And the promise we made to be honest, the one SHE asked for, I asked that it be extended to her other close friends. See, she wanted me to be open, but I also wanted her to be. That is hard for my friend, and I understand why given how some didn't like the things she did, and how her family judged her -- but that had nothing to do with her bipolar, but rather something else. Anyhow, I felt that to mislead people deliberately was wrong, merely because it was easier or she assumed something of them without knowing. But then there was a period where she did this with me repeatedly over a couple months. My intuition screamed that I knew she was misleading me, but I chose to trust her. When I was finally "told" it was because of her guilt, (which I never wanted for her), and because she wanted what she wanted mostly, and didn't/couldn't hide any longer. She knew it was wrong, and just was afraid. I understood the lies at times. I never tried to bully her out of them. I didn't say half of all I knew and let a lot go.

I've wanted to heal that ever since and get to where it was understood, and not merely for me either. I wanted to help end those nagging fears to some extent at least, and the guilt that would always come later. Not do this with some delusional "silver bullet", or all at once, but step by step. However she never wanted to speak of it. EVER. I tried, and then noticed more lies. The last ones she was quite heartless about, and even said so. When I caught her the last time, I asked in a gentle tone "why did you have to lie" and she said "because I can" and followed that she never wanted to see me again. See, this was hurtful because the lie had to do with her birthday and I had worked 8+ months on something for her birthday and she said she just wanted to be alone. Which I left her alone, for the most part, when she needed that. I understood, or tried. And I only wanted a minute anyhow. But she lied to 2 others closest to her and saw someone anyhow. I never had a problem with that. Just wanted to know the reason why she felt she had to lie. Heck, I know she just didn't want to feel bad that there was only one person she wanted to see, or like she was playing favorites. In the end it is I would always is blamed for being "too sensitive", ironically. But fact is I endured what no one ever did, and I know it bothered her that I kept coming back for more. I never quit. But that I know probably made her feel more bad. I know the meeting she had with that person on the night of her birthday didn't go well. Though she does love her, she has told me that person doesn't care, really. No, not like me. But they care. But that care is easier for my friend to manage I think. She can not feel so bad around a non-caring person. Ironic how that is, huh?

Anyhow, this all is a LONG LONG PAINFUL story that ends (though I hope not) here. It spans a year, but a very very FULL year. True to bipolar HALF the year was like Heaven, and the other half mixed with pain. The last month or so VERY painful. I don't blame her, even though I was hurt. I'm not "overly sensitive". My empathy is my eyes in this world. Without it I cannot help, or connect, and there is no love apart from it. It was something that she loved, and admired. But in the end it was something to be avoided. I can't take that personal. I refuse to. Right is right, and this is all due to her fear. I will NEVER abandon her. And when she is ready, she can return and will always be welcomed back and have my friendship.

I do worry so very much about her though. I know she didn't mean for this. I actually helped somewhat stop a fight after all this between her and her best friend (who was concerned for what happened to me) and helped her best friend to see her and believe that she really was afraid and hurting deep down. And exactly as I predicted she began to cry over friendships lost, or those that may be in the future. Not mine, because she was still angry with me, but I know later tears for me will consume her as well. According to her I was the one she trusted the most, more than any other she ever had tried to. I know she just doesn't want to feel right now -- anger, responsibility, pain, etc. So it's easier to blame another or to run. Sometimes I noticed she would avoid the problems and just hope they went away. But then you, who love and try to help are misrepresented and spoken of in terrible ways, it IS baffling and for ALL THE WORLD it sounds like someone just trying to be cruel to get rid of you.

In the end she doesn't want to see me at all. Amazing turn around. I am trying to help her best friend understand her and be the support I couldn't be or wasn't allowed to be. It would be very easy to be upset with all the very hurtful things said or done to me. And I have been upset on occasion, but never retaliated except maybe three times saying how I was hurt. But I know now that this was probably too much. She wanted me gone and unlike others in her live who she long has said "they just don't care" I was never like it. She was happy for that, and it helped her to be more vulnerable and experience more joy. And like you I think she thought I was very good for her, and her best friend really liked me from the start. Another was jealous but I always tried to put those closest to her before me, and brought them closer, or tried to . I did, in the beginning. And I tried to protect her as well and did. I was the one she always would call. But see, I think I became too much in her life -- just simply too much of a point of vulnerability. At one point she wept after a argument and she thought I had left with no more than a kind email. But I didn't. So much to say. So many memories. When I hear how you feel, and others, it reminds me to remember my empathy, and not my tears or hurt, which could lead to anger and only more hurt for myself as well as her.

We work at the same place and she has had herself moved. It is painful, and I wish I was strong enough to NEVER have responded to anything she ever said. I did at first and she didn't like it, even complained to a close friend. I was "TOO understanding" apparently -- made her feel bad. So I tried to say just a bit when the worst happened. And that never went well.

Sorry this is so disjointed, but that is where things stand. Fact remains I know her best. I tried to help the most, and so it ended as it did. I can't be surprised by that, and I have many I am helping in my life so I must go and do that. But I know what no one else really knows and how she is when she is truly hurting. Her father commit suicide when she was very young -- 12 years old. She used to try when she was young to pour out his alcohol. She doesn't know if he was bipolar, but her mother is. She never got to see her father's body at after death, never shed a tear at the time because she felt she had to be strong for her younger brother who was in tears, and finally and she was lied to. She never knew the real cause of death until just last year -- her 18th year. He had made a promise to her before his death that they were going to spend time together again soon. She hasn't forgotten that promis. Her mother is now in another country with her younger sisters, and her step father is living mostly in another state. She attends college and works and lives with her aunt and step-uncle and her cousin (whom she is close to) and her younger brother. I am a bit older and so I tried to be friend to her. I could see how the road would curve and twist for her in the future. I didn't want a pure soul and innocent heart to be crushed, or give in to coldness and hurt and do things she might later regret to the point of terrible inconsolable pain.

Anyhow, I ramble now. You are fortunate that he still allows you to call. That was the position I was still in a week ago. As they say -- what a difference a day makes. That day was February 4th, 2007. She was getting more and more distant though over the past month or so. Now incredibly hurtful things that were never told to me are being said to her best friend, who can't imagine why this is happening and understands my heart & care for her, and so tells me things occasionally. But those things usually cause a lot of hurt, and pain. She just says though she knows I am "a good man" etc., but she feels "uncomfortable" around me, that's it's "weird" and hard to explain -- nebulous terms that say next to nothing that sadly women do use on occasion, but that I have never had used in reference to ME. I think I just see too much now for her, was entrusted with too much, and it got complicated with the arguments in the end, the things she didn't mean to say.

BTW, I noticed the whole "annoying" thing the same as you have described in the last month. I just must hold on while distant and not in contact, and help in the limited way I can now. Mostly by helping her best friend understand her better, spare her any mistakes I made, and secure that friendship better for my friend with bipolar. I trust in the future she will understand - even if her memory is notoriously poor. I know she will see it later, and probably sees some of it now. I feel like I have failed her. Truly I do. I see this amazing heart underneath a mountain of pain.

I tried to get her to see the doctor again, be disciplined with sleep and food and supplements, and we had even begun talking about her medication. She had only just begun going back to the doctor and had started Lamotrigine a few weeks ago, at a does of 10mg-20mg. She should be at 20 mg now. But it wasn't "strong" enough according to her. But I know that the dosage can go much higher then 20 mg in the end.

The part of how your care could become annoying . . . I try to see it this way . . . True love puts a glaring light on the problems, which are hard to admit or face. Mostly because a bipolar person always in the end tends to blame themselves. It's like there is this component that true or not, seems to deep down believe that they are the root of all the failures happening -- broken relationships, etc. At first like most people they would rather not believe it was them, and like the average person there is denial. But they DO remember that it was THEY who quit and who pushed away in the end. And so even though all "blame" is a waste of time, and it is shared anyhow, they know that they gave up when they really did want to love. Love is frightening to them. Vulnerability is frightening. LOSS is always just around the corner and loss is what we ALL most fear. Through this young woman/girl I have seen all this very clearly and understood it. Not by anything that was said, but in her every reaction. I weep when I think of her trying to be brave and what she goes through alone, that no one sees, or will ever know. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THAT PERSON WHO WOULD "GET HER", or so she said. Now I am gone. Despite the very wrong things done and said, I have been through a TON in life -- terrible things. I know enough not to hold it against her. I ray that God can wipe away that last tear that I never could, no matter how I tried. And I pray one day she returns, even if it is hard. I pray I may again be the friend I sought to be, and help somehow. She always brought me joy. Always tried to help others. She went from happy to sad, but she still has that inside her. I pray she forever will --bipolar or not. Sorry for the colossal post!

Post Edited (Senpai) : 2/17/2007 1:00:07 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 2/11/2007 11:02 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the welcome, Smiler. I'm here to learn. These places are the internet's gift to mankind. No joke.
Posted 2/12/2007 11:43 PM (GMT 0)
Your story just wants to make me cry as so many things you describe remind me of my own relationship.   I have always spoken to my ex in a gentle tone before and after the break up  and similar to you I asked the question on so may occasions  "what made you want to end the relationship when everything was soo good and why do you get so upset and speak to me in a harsh voice when I call to see how you are doing?" and he would say to me "because I can."    He would always tell me that I am to emotional when in actuality  I was just concerned that he was depressed due to the situation he was in (loss of job) and that I felt I needed a valid answer as to why things ended.  Deep down I still feel like he cares for me a great deal but doesn't want to admit it.  Righ now I"m scared he's going to react badly to my valentines day gift, even though I pray that this may make him realize  that he made a mistake and decides to work things out with me. :(
Posted 2/13/2007 12:42 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for bothering to read all that. Well, it's like this really . . . I've had experience with 3 bipolar individuals. One a man and two women. The mood swings from manic to depressed can cycle quickly in a day, but on the whole a generalized feeling of one or the other usually persists for some time, even many months. I have heard and witnessed this lasting for even months. But from having been confided closely by all three I knew who suffered through being BP, you can rest assured that they haven't forgotten you. Guilt often makes them push away even harder, because they know what they have done, in general, and even magnify it in their minds, even if details are often forgotten. The general feeling of depression or irritability is what they want to forget and unfortunately these are attached to US -- those that love them. Over time there is going to be strain, and then the flight or fight response. It's really sad because this only makes them more alone. It seems ANY close relationship is a strain eventually, and then is avoided to some extent. I will tell you I have definitely been depressed over all this, hurt, and concerned. To the point where I really feel the symptoms of severe depression. But then, so do they. And it's harder for them. It's unfair all the way around. If you try to clean up a mess you are going to get some on you. But they don't want you to, and they feel bad and then irritated that you are "so sensitive". Really, they don't want to see you suffer their indifference or cruelty.

Also remember that your concern can echo their own, and they have fears that aren't always expressed. Most of all it is hard to discuss BP and those feelings resulting from it unless THEY choose the time. The same with the loss of a job. I'm sure he worries over that. And you DO need a valid answer. But if you never did anything truly wrong, then it is the fear of intimacy and hurting you, and the BP mostly. And that may be all the answer you have for a while, unfortunately. He may be able to give you more one day, but I am sure he was afraid. And a loss of a job is a big blow to one's self esteem, usually. But then people DO lose their jobs and bounce back.

*Sigh* It really is hard. Best I can say is leave a door or window open for them. Try to move whatever love you have to the completely altruistic realm, otherwise you will perhaps too hurt to continue over time. "Pressure" is something those with BP are VERY sensitive to. And "pushing" things can be construed in many ways.

Your situation and mine ARE worthy of tears, and empathy IS a good thing. But excessive sorrow won't accomplish much. It's hard not to feel hurt, but if that is perceived by your Ex too much I think he will not be able to handle that. My love was "too good" for the person I cared about. I heard it more than once. This whole "feeling worthy" thing is no joke to a person that had BP. Rejection is something greately feared, and even the slightest disagreement can smell of an ending to them. They will choose the exit first to avoid more potential pain. Triggers can ruin a week or a month for them.

This is just plain hard. I have no answers, and neither does anyone else I think -- except treatment and medication, and a steady but not over bearing friendship/relationship. I am quite certain he feels for you a great deal still, and doesn't want to admit it. Heck, I have seen that more than once. If you give a gift, make it simple but from the heart. I think I want a bit too far in my care and it was all so new to her. She is used to people not caring much, or wanting something in return. She kept waiting to see if I was one of those and the two or three arguments we had that were bad, were all she needed, I think, to convince her of that. But I KNOW in private, amid the anger, she knows and is hurting.

Here's the thing you must realize from your last sentence. I think he probably does already know he made a mistake. He has made them before and this is much the same. But that's the problem. He fears that there is no "fixing" them, and in anyone's life, BP or not, it's easier sometimes to hit the reset button. Also, it can be a way to find out how much someone cares, and IF they can handle the worst of times. I only know this FEAR is a HUGE motivator and it lurks behind both the manic and the depressive. It is almost ever present and it's nice to forget when you can -- hence why there IS lies and the denial, and the fighting and running. I can only hope that can take away some of the sting of what has and IS happening to you. Small consolation, but it's about all we have. It is VERY painful for me, but I made my share of mistakes and have tried to own up to most of them. I may say more in a email of some sort in a few weeks. I miss her. I hear of her visiting others and dropping off things, and to some degree I am happy she is doing that. It was always part of her. I know she is trying to find happiness, and I want that for her. But yes, I know she is not coming to see me. In the end, were anything to happen to me I only know I would not want her to hurt, but she would. If I never see her again, I want her to know just one thing -- that I tried to be the truest friend I could, and my love for her was pure and I would have done all I could, even to the giving of my very life, to heal the wounds she has suffered, and see her succeed and do well in this life. I never came to "take" but to GIVE. In the end, for me, that is life. It's ironic that for many BPs it is the same. I know with her she was always the one who wanted to be the giver. Never receiving too much, lest she felt guilty somehow. It was her way of being comfortable, and in control. I took that away and she was left vulnerable. I never meant to hurt her, but when you are vulnerable you do get hurt. I hope one day that will be understood and she will still choose freedom over fear in ALL her relationships. But know that this is just simply much harder for someone with BP.

Let me know how the gift was received. Goodness is it's own reward, and the only reward for virtue is virtue. I suspect that what you do will have a positive effect, ultimately. In any case, be happy you gave in love and take that with you, even if it is understood by no one other than you at the moment. Some things just take time.

Post Edited (Senpai) : 2/12/2007 6:00:46 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 2/13/2007 2:47 AM (GMT 0)

It really helps to read what other people are going through and the fact that it makes me feel that I am not alone.  My love for him is so very strong, I don't want to give up.  Funny thing is we never once argued and he seemed happy with me right up until he let me go. But when he did he kept telling me that he didn't know why he was letting me go and why he felt the way he did.  Thereafter he became mood and irritable.   I too felt like I was going through depression just after he let me go as I could not grasp what happened as he gave me no reason..not even that he didn't want to be with me but I don't know.  The fact that I couldn't understand it and kept on asking him why, he eventually got upset and just said I don't want to be with you. 

I think what bothers me the most is that I don't know for sure if he has BP as I only know that he said he suffered depression and he did say that it was a mild case of BP(Cyclothymia). Whether this is true or not only he really knows.  If he does, he's not even taking any medication and he is no longer exercising and taking his vitamins.  I feel so helpless in this case.  I don't think his family as in his brother or cousin really take it seriously and just let him be as they think that's just the way he is and can't do anything.

I think your right in saying that he does feel that he may have made a mistake and that he does feel there is no turning back.  But I still hope that one day he will come to realize he made that mistake and is willing to come back.

Just like you I have tried my hardest to be there for him and never once argued or got upset with him even though he has of me after the break up.  I just hope he knows that I truly was a friend aside from being is girlfriend.

I think whats hard for me is that, that's all it will be just a memory of good love and not the love I wanted so bad for the rest of my life with him.

I'd like to ask if you have experienced individuals with BP before why did you get involved with someone with BP knowing what could potentially be hurt?

I hope one day she comes back to you as I know how much you miss her as I miss my ex very dearly.

Posted 2/16/2007 2:34 AM (GMT 0)
Well I sent the flowers to my ex on Valentines day and I know it was received as I called his work place to ensure he received it. But he didn't call me on valentines day at all to comment on them.   Sigh..it hurts ... I think I'm gonna call him now to see if what he thought and if he is willing to talk to me. 

Posted 2/16/2007 7:43 AM (GMT 0)
Sorry, been busy with preparing stuff for friends and dropping it all off for Valentine's. First off, why did I get "involved" with someone who was BP. That's a bit strong. I was really just their closest friend. At least I was told that I was trusted more than anyone they ever had. I know there were some sort of feelings there, on her end and I could probably have, but I never entertained any myself seriously. I just only thought of her and thought that I could be more help to someone so young as a honest friend. Didn't want to be doubted. I went through enough of that from her lover at the beginning. Although, sadly, no matter what I did fear eventually took hold and I was doubted, and treated, oddly, as if we did have a "relationship". In truth I respected her far more than that, and the way everything happened just was a shock. I take friendships very seriously and value them over romantic love in general. So believe me, if I were to recite ALL that happened to me, it would no doubt prompt most people to say I need to just give up and move on. They would be biased to one side all too easily.

I think that question might be better answered this way -- WHY does someone with BP choose to risk again when they usually know better than the one who doesn't have BP what could happen, and the heartbreak. And they DO feel heartbreak. I have seen it. My friend was quite scarred by many things in her young life. Cheating done to her, betrayal, suffering death of those she cherished most, lies having been told to her. Top it off with BP and it's a wonder she chose to trust me as much as she did. But I made my share of mistakes. I can't claim to have been entirely perfect. Yes, I was tested, and I failed -- in part at least. I think deep down she trusted I wouldn't. My failure was mostly in my hurt, and occasional frustration. But that was enough. As I have said, at first and for a long time I just tried to be understanding, and was, and never said boo. But later when the harder and trully harsh stuff was said to me, I told her how much it hurt. The lies prompted me to ask questions she didn't like as well. But I did them not out of mistrust, but to help her to be open with me. -- A promise we made to one another and a good one that would have seen us through everything, if it could have been kept. What was done was wrong, clearly. And I suspect she is waiting for me to "hate" her as she said the same in anger to me once. But as much as I hurt and keep hurting, and worry about her, and wonder how could such things have happened, I know DEEP DOWN that in her heart she is in terrible pain. I don't want that, truly, but I know it's there. She probably wishes a lot didn't happen, but it did, and she's probably far too confused and emotional still to figure out what to do with it all. So she'll stay the course, I suspect. Maybe even become painfully "civil" as a buffer, were she ever need to deal with me directly. But she's made sure to keep away.

I did send a short sentence wishing her the best this Valentine's to which she replied only briefly. But it sounded awkward for her. I'm sure it was. I have to respect her wishes though and not overreact and make too much of it. I have to stay away, otherwise I fear what will happen if I attempt to make her short reply more than a "polite" return wish. Still, given where things were left, it's a surprise even to hear two words from her.

I feel for you Optimistik. Indeed you are as your screen name suggests. It appears he didn't do anything for you and hasn't replied yet. I understand you wanting to call, but maybe you should give him time to do so on his own. Not sure though. I may be very wrong. Though what you said he did at the end of January was pretty harsh. Seems a month is generally a good amount of time for someone to sort through their feelings, even if they suffer with BP. I know that IF he does have BP then it could very well take a month before he can get through his moods enough to pierce the denial that allows him to be so cold to you. Love can dry up and blow away once the desire to please and to help is lost. Prepare your heart. He is making a mistake, but I wouldn't want you to suffer needlessly while his feelings are still raw and have you hurt more till you reach what no one dares believe who love someone -- their breaking point. There's a chance he may respond, but if not then what? Maybe someone else near him has some advice or insight. Valentines carries so much meaning, and I just hope he is prepared to talk about how much you mean to him without lashing out to hurt and drive you away. Sooner or later one or of two things probably will happen. Either he will face facts and find some way to speak with you, and maybe try again to face everything that's hardest for him. Or he will dive deeper into denial, but still realize his mistake -- just not choose to face it, or bother to try. It's better if he does have BP that he gets proper help before you both keep trying and failing. In one of you memories too many attempts may be an excuse to not try. If BP is the issue then rest assured that BP IS THE ISSUE that NEEDS to be tackled first -- and not the question of his feelings for you. You can trust he loves you, but the BP will leave him forever at odds with himself and you, and you may continue to find you don't know which way is up. It will be just as much of a nightmare for him, too. And none of us cope with failure very well in the long run. He needs to succeed at this, and gain confidence. But I do admire your heart and love for him. Reminds me of myself and my friend. Just try and help him get the help he needs though available options beyond yourself. Motivate others if need be. But I am sure you have tried. Sooner or later you will have your answer. It may take months, but you will. I truly hope for the best in both our cases, but especially for those we care about.

In the end we love them, and try. How much must the average person NOT want to inflict pain? How hard is it then for a person who has BP? Because from all I have seen, they eventually ALWAYS blame themselves -- and MOST severely. Their memory may not be perfect, that's a fact, but they remember enough I think. It's too easy to get hurt and be vengeful. I know for myself I MUST do what is right. I must FIGHT to do that! Rejection is far more deeply felt by someone with BP. Responsibility must be taken, but I cannot harm her. That's the paradox. What, when, and how much . . . it's so hard to know at times.

Just love, and in the end he'll make his heart clear, with time. I have to believe that.
Posted 2/16/2007 5:58 PM (GMT 0)
Know this though. It is highly probably he will do whatever he feels like doing in the meantime, and not feel any desire to clue you in. Sometimes it might even be done out of a strange spite. It can be exceptionally hurtful. I know with me I continue to find out more and more as I peel back deceptions like layers of a onion. Just today I found out still more and it was quite hurtful. He may be very selective and cut only certain people out, yet remain "cheery" (at least to some extent) with the rest. And you will, as you have been, be left to wonder why.
Posted 2/17/2007 6:20 AM (GMT 0)
Well the flowers I sent did not go over very well. In fact he was quite upset with the fact that I sent them he felt it intrusive.  I found this out from his cousin who called him on my behalf to see how his Valentine's Day went.  He was really upset and he had told her he was going to call me to discuss the matter.  She told him to calm down and that its always nice to receive flowers on valentines day regardless of whom it is from.  She spoke with him yesterday.  He has not yet called me. I look forward to the call as it will give me a chance to talk to him. But I have tried to chat with him on line asking him if he received them to no reply.   I also left a message on his cell again to no reply.  I guess I'm the one he selected to cut out of his life and I am hurting quite badly right now.   THe worse part  about the whole thing is, he cut out the one person who cared for him the most. 

He is definately doing whatever he feels like doing right now, and has no desire to include me in anything. I feel like he is doing whatever it takes in his power to make me angry so I won't speak to him again, but I care and love him so much I can't be angry and just want to keep trying in hopes things will get better. 

No one seems to understand what he is going through as he doesn't seem to talk to anyone.  I have tried to communicate with his brother but he has not responded to me and I guess this is out of respect to him. I can totally understand that.  His mother is at her wits end and can't understand why things ended with us and has asked him on several occasions but he doesn't respond.  She herself feels alone in a family full of males being the only female not being able to do anything.   She is really stressed as he has done this once before where by he was married and ended up leaving his wife with no explanation.  His reply to his mother is he gave his ex wifes father an explanation and that should be enough.   She herself is asking me what she can do to help convince him we can work things out.  But I'm in the same situation as she is.  Everytime she brings up my name he doesn't really talk about me which is a drastic change from before when he couldn't stop talking about me to his family.

It has gotten to the stage where by I have to now give him time and I have to hold back and not call anymore as if I continue to do so he will completely 100% hate me for good. I still  hope that perhaps one day he will give me a call...but at that point I think he will have moved on and I will be a distant memory.  Till this day all I want from him is a face to face sit down discussion on why things ended when everything was so good between us and why he has become so mean to me to the point he just won't talk to me.

At this point I don't think he thinks he is making a mistake, at one point he still did care for me after he let go of me...but I think I drove him away by trying to make this relationship work.  I have such a pure heart I wish I could turn back time and wish I would have given him that time as things may have been different if I did.

One thing I do know is that since the break up I have gotten to know more about my ex, that I did not know while with him.

I hope that GOD hears me in my prayers as I cannot control my feelings for this man and I still love him so very much. 

You yourself are a very strong individual to have to look at the situation your in as you do.

Post Edited (Optimistik) : 2/16/2007 11:27:36 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 2/17/2007 7:56 AM (GMT 0)

Optimistik said...
Well the flowers I sent did not go over very well. In fact he was quite upset with the fact that I sent them he felt it intrusive. ... He was really upset and he had told her he was going to call me to discuss the matter. She told him to calm down and that its always nice to receive flowers on valentines day regardless of whom it is from. ... He has not yet called me. I look forward to the call as it will give me a chance to talk to him. But I have tried to chat with him on line asking him if he received them to no reply. I also left a message on his cell again to no reply. I guess I'm the one he selected to cut out of his life and I am hurting quite badly right now. THe worse part about the whole thing is, he cut out the one person who cared for him the most.

He is definitely doing whatever he feels like doing right now, and has no desire to include me in anything. I feel like he is doing whatever it takes in his power to make me angry so I won't speak to him again, but I care and love him so much I can't be angry and just want to keep trying in hopes things will get better.

No one seems to understand what he is going through as he doesn't seem to talk to anyone. ..... Everytime she brings up my name he doesn't really talk about me which is a drastic change from before when he couldn't stop talking about me to his family.

It has gotten to the stage where by I have to now give him time and I have to hold back and not call anymore as if I continue to do so he will completely 100% hate me for good. I still hope that perhaps one day he will give me a call...but at that point I think he will have moved on and I will be a distant memory. Till this day all I want from him is a face to face sit down discussion on why things ended when everything was so good between us and why he has become so mean to me to the point he just won't talk to me.

At this point I don't think he thinks he is making a mistake, at one point he still did care for me after he let go of me...but I think I drove him away by trying to make this relationship work. I have such a pure heart I wish I could turn back time and wish I would have given him that time as things may have been different if I did.

One thing I do know is that since the break up I have gotten to know more about my ex, that I did not know while with him.

I hope that GOD hears me in my prayers as I cannot control my feelings for this man and I still love him so very much.


ALL THE ABOVE QUOTE, every word, every sentence I can relate to precisely. Uncanny. This is what I feared and hoped would not happen in your case. I took responsibility too that I did not have to, and probably should not have, of "driving her away" by doing too much and essentially trying so very hard -- to care and to help. But I KNOW I wasn't a busy-body, with no sensitivity to her need to be alone. In fact I gave her that time often when she needed it. Even a month an a half of it. But timing is so very hard when moods are cycling. Even if you get it TOTALLY RIGHT, trust me when I say THAT TOO will leave them annoyed.

I am not so strong Optimistik. Truth be told I am DEEPLY hurt. I don't sleep well, and depression has set in, and worse. I have gotten rather angry as well at the flippant and self-righteous attitude, as well as how easily she SEEMS to just turn it off, like a switch. But frankly, I know THAT too is just a lie. One I am expected to believe. In my very "weak" moments I do. I think over my mistakes of appearing too concerned and how she wasn't able to process that, or understand it often. I hurt and I get upset at all I attempted and was allowed to suffer, and NOT just at her hands, but at the hands of one she is biased towards -- but doesn't WANT or mean to be biased towards. But she is, and deep down she knows it. The expectation on me or her best friend is different than for this person, I can assure you of that. Anyhow, I try to understand because as cruel as a individual may be, in her case I KNOW though denial MAY indeed rein in her life for many many years, because it is easier -- she WILL one day know her mistake, and suffer for it. It will hurt her. Not that I desire that. I do know that she will simply be glad now to shed what was too complicated for her, until someone else becomes too complicated in a different way. I hurt morning and night, and I go through may own almost "bipolar" moods as a result of this. And I do worry about her, because NO ONE else has seen her at her true low point quite like I have. And her well being I do get concerned about. I've seen her truly hurt.

That said, I know that she can be the most sincere person, sweetest and kindest, but ALSO VERY cruel, selfish, and unforgivably cold. She can laugh at tears, and mock real hurt over terrible things said or done, and be biased & blinded towards only what she wants to the point it will truly baffle you. She has to have HER way, and if you think that isn't true, then you are fooled, because she just doesn't really care at the moment. When she does, you will know it. Resist her enough and logic will be no defense, I assure you.

Sorry, I'm tired and my mind isn't sharp. Hasn't been for many days now. This is disjointed again. Optimistik, my heart goes out to you! Truly. You echo so much I have gone through and I hear your love. I trust your intentions and at least it is good to know for my friends case, that were anything to happen to me, that there are others out there. I was described by her as having the purest love she had ever known, and thought ever would know. Part of me always hoped that is false, and I wanted to show her the love my friends are used to. I wanted it to be false because I want her happiness and I don't want her with the unbelievably self-centered and deceitful person I know she does have feelings for. It's not that I am biased AGAINST this person. It's just that despite the attraction, she is not able to be what my friend needs. But I know she does need to care for someone instead of feeling cared for. And this person certainly DOES offer that! But there are other good people out there, and in rare moments she thinks again, sees it. But she goes back to what has only hurt her, and showed, ironically the LEAST care. I am not one to argue a "safe" love. That would make me a hypocrite. But I think she must believe by some miracle that I don't want her to waste her time. Ironic because I TOLD her to try again with this person when she asked me directly if she was just being foolish.

Compared to the person she has "feelings" for, you and I are at the other end of that spectrum. And I think such a honest love IS frightening to those with BP. They seem afraid that they will chew you up and spit you out. Yet, when you show some backbone and counsel or even admonish, you are the villian for having unwittingly hurt them somehow. It is a delicate affair trying to love "correctly" through it all. I believe only THEIR OWN experience with life and people will help them grow to a point where they do not always quit. Fear of loss IS present. And in my own case I know she is choosing history over what is right, and more difficult. Not definitely not saying I am what is "right", but rather 'right' choices in general, versus rash or biased ones.

But when I stop thinking about understanding, I just hurt. And I think of her laughing at that hurt and it angers me. I BUY THE LIE, fall into the trap. Think I would know better! Truth is her "in your face" cruelty is hard to swallow, and does bother me, and has upset me on rare occasions. I expect better of my friends, and if not for me, then with respect to others. To say you do a terrible thing, "because you can" is WRONG -- pure and simple. And to entirely condone it IS to enable it, and gloss over what MUST be dealt with at some point -- including the BP that will RULE their life, and the lives of those that know them. I am the type who always loathed bullies. I would often seek to protect others from them. She affectionately likes, ironically, a self proclaimed "bully", but one who isn't either strong, or has bravery to list as a positive quality. Yet she feels they do not "criticize" her as others have, knows when to back off, how to "not care". And though they have PROVEN incapable of helping her on more than one occasion, she feels "safer" with that person. The person is really spoiled, tempermental, and terminally selfish and deceitful. And I have seen this person even bully her, and tell ME privately what they "could do" to her if they chose not to "hold back". Told me that they merely agree with her just so there won't be a argument, and that really, they don't see eye to eye. HOW am I suppose to approve of such a person. I could say more, but it doesn't matter.

But that alone sounds bad, doesn't it? Indeed. And though I made a honest effort to know this person, help them even in extraordinary ways, once I discovered who they were, and what they had done in the past to her, and to a best friend, I couldn't approve. IN fact I defended that best friend, and pretty much suffered for it ever since. But I was very right in doing so and never will regret it. But, you see here's what I am getting at -- in short, SHE is this person's superior morally. And that person is usually the one that is "wrong" in some fashion in their relationship. And that must be comforting somehow, when you think about it. She can CARE for them. All I know FOR SURE is I was spoken about constantly -- so much others got jealous when I first met her and for months afterward. But now, after telling others she doesn't want me to "suffer" and saying to them secretly that it is her fault and that she made the mistakes, on the other hand she is cruel in the extreme and is even willing to justify that cruelty just so she can finish carrying it out, be free and do as she pleases. I DO believe that YES she has "done everything in her power to make me angry so I won't speak to her again" -- and AFTER that didn't work exactly, she TOLD me to never speak to her again. Ha. I couldn't agree more with you. Now, today, I find she has asked a best friend, who is quite disappointed and upset with her, how I was doing. To which that best friend replied "how do you think?" Her reply? "I was just asking." And then silence ensued.

I know she knows, but prefers her freedom. Yes, I like you think I might have drove her away by trying to hard to help her to see instead of look at everything as if someone were against her, trying to take what she wanted away. Everything I tried to be clear on she got wrong in the final months. But you know what . . . here's the point I want to make for you --- It WOULD have happened later anyhow somewhere down the road. They mustn't quit, that's all. There will ALWAYS be a breaking point -- BP or not. But tolerance at certain times isn't always in the BP's command. Though they CAN take responsibility later, after the fact. But that is hard to do when you feel you have made "many mistakes" -- like she had told a dear friend of mine. Just know that no matter WHAT you did, you would have reached that breaking point eventually with HIM. And had to face what you are both now facing.

I want to know "why" as well, but I think in my case I do -- mostly. But I want HER to hear herself say it. I think that would be good for her. Better that than the LIE that she is telling herself now. Better the truth she has never really told, but felt, alone and at night in her room. That side of her that sees her mistakes, and is simply afraid of being hurt, that doesn't want to FEEL anymore, but rather just go and do something, have fun, and help -- love without being hurt. HOW DO YOU LOVE, WITHOUT BEING HURT -- HERE? But if your love is pure, if you are always giving, always "right" -- even if YOU don't think so -- that can be hard for the one who feels they are ALWAYS making mistakes. And SHE did feel that way.

OH HOW I WISH SHE UNDERSTOOD THIS AND ME. Could FEEL AND KNOW my private thoughts. I tried to share them, but lately was just cut off. Ever since September really, to some degree. It only got worse. And it was then she felt bad over many mistakes she made. You know I started to tell her about forums like this. Gave her some websites, but hadn't been able to give everything. I wanted to see if she was open to it. She was even telling me her med, and just began getting treatment. But she never was good at seriously taking her meds consistently, or with taking care of herself.

I think it would be better to talk of your own failures than to ask him to explain his outright Optimistik. At least for a while. My friend didn't see that with me. I wanted her to say what she felt so we could get through it together, so she could be healed, and maybe happier in the long run. She tried, in the beginning, but her past, the place that she seeks comfort in -- "ASH" -- won out. I didn't mind that, but I saw the flaws. Wanted to help it stand on solid ground, rather than to erode and leave her heartbroken. But it was the simplicity she desired. Even if you took baby steps though, in the end when you finally annoyed the one YOU love, he might say he suspected that it would come to this. That he was wrong to trust. That was what happened to me, and I KNOW my friend knows better.

Its so ironic to hear you speak of him seeing your love as "intrusive". I know and FEEL exactly what you mean, and how counterintuitive it seems. I think on all the pure ways I tried to love, do things others hadn't done in HER life, show her that freedom, have them be things that were harmless and that could be trusted. Things I had done before, for others, but that she had not yet been able to trust or experience. I remember her saying her mother told her to beware of the kind ones instead of the cruel ones, because their kindness would cut deeper and hurt more in the end. I should have known and heard more clearly how she agreed with those words. I remember it now. And you know, her mother is also bipolar.

I share these things to help somehow. There ARE reasons behind all that we have experienced, both simple and subtle. But when you feel as we do, and care that much, it is complex, and it does hurt. If you take it personally it will destroy you. I know, I have been destroyed to a degree over this. I thought I had tried to do everything right. But I knew how it slipped away for me. I spoke up in the defense of another, and I sought to protect her from deceit in her life from others, and free her of the need for it with herself. I was gentle, patient. I could only address these things in small bits, but she wanted to forget it all. I wasn't a nag, but her guilt did nag her. Ironically I only wanted to free her of that. But she seemed to see the opposite. When she is lucid and dispassionate, I know she sees it! But then the depression returns because of all that she sees. And she is too young to know what to do, to have the experience to overcome her fears. I wanted to give her that experience. Help to set her free. To be able to process ALL that has hurt her, and scarred her in time. I believed in her so very much. I still do. But I cannot allow her to continue to choose always the easier road when fear overtakes her. Too many get hurt, and she will only hurt alone in remembering later. So if she ever returns to my life, it will have to be on a honest footing, reclaiming the promise she originally made. The truth, in this case, WILL set her free. But I HAVE learned a few things, and will be better for it.

I pray you can relate to what I am saying and that if nothing else, if your dream doesn't happen, you may not blame yourself quite so much. If you get to speak to him, I pray he will have the courage to say it wasn't you, and not say it as some cliche, but explain it for you. But do not pin your hopes on this. Be ready to participate, and let your love and intuition yet rule your tongue. In the end you must continue to be what you are. If it is right, you should not admonish yourself for that.

But do not hunt him down with too many attempts to reach him through different sources. I know there was a few times I tried that, and meant no harm, but it I don't think that was always understood either. Be careful of co-dependency as well. I don't go in for Dr. Phil Psycho-babble, but there is a danger there.

Take care. Either way, I feel that this isn't the end for neither you or I. Remember, the grand show is always eternal -- it is always sunrise somewhere. This is NOT the end. One day it will be understood. We two are just drowning now, and they were too. That's why they sought escape. Not from us -- but from feeling in general. We just bring that out.

Post Edited (Senpai) : 2/17/2007 1:44:08 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 2/17/2007 11:37 AM (GMT 0)
I was planning of replying there until i saw the size of the posts lol,there's no way i'm reading all that,but i read the first one and just thought i'd wish you the best of luck with things and hope everything works out.
Posted 2/17/2007 10:26 PM (GMT 0)
I am trying oh so hard to be strong, but it is very difficult as I can't eat or sleep very well and I feel like depression has set in as well.  I want to get angry but I can't as for whatever reason I feel like he is going through something that he cannot control and is not doing this to me on purpose. Yet I still can't get over the fact that he was able to turn his feelings off with just a flick of a switch.    What you say about "she can be the most sincere person, sweetest and kindest, but ALSO VERY cruel, selfish, and unforgivably cold. She can laugh at tears, and mock real hurt over terrible things said or done" describes my ex to the tee.   I spoke with his cousin today on-line and he asked how I was doing and I told him that overall I was doing well but I still cared deeply for my ex.  He told me that I needed to get over it and that  " its a choice u have to make in ur mind" .  I had explained that I still found it difficult that he abruptly ended it with no reason and that he no longer spoke to me and that he seemed very angry with me lately.  He basically said that I may not know why because there was no real straight forward answer and that its hard to speak to someone after a break up as there is still emotional connections that come up in the conversation.  He basically told me I need to back off as my ex is getting really frustrated and that he will never ever get back with me.  He told me I needed to get over it and be strong as this is not healthy for me ....which I know but how can you stop how you feel about someone.  I cried after this conversation as it hurt so much.   I sent my ex one last message which read as follows: I am sorry that I sent you those flowers my intentions were really good, I do realize that you don't have feelings for me in the sense you don't feel it anymore, again I'm not sure what happened but I guess that's just the way it is. I know you want to date other people and I'm sorry I have put all this stress on you and I don't want you to be upset or frustrated as I do get it..its just been hard that's all and hard because I thought we were really close and our future was looking good, anyway that no longer matters. It would hurt if you dated someone else but that is something I have come to terms with, not much I can do as I have tried so hard with you to no avail. You are a wonderful person and hopefully you will come around and talk to me as normal one day. I know you expected more from me a nd to deal  with this better and in a sense I have as I haven't freaked out..I've always tried to speak to you calmly and yes I cried a few times which any girl would when they love someone so deeply. A s for me caring, caring is a natural part of me that I cannot change and I know you don't need me to care for you as you have told me several times but know if you were ever down and out and had no where to turn I would be here for you. I know that I have asked on numerous occasions why the relationship ended and you simply stated you didn't know why you felt that way and either you feel it or you don't and I guess at some point you stopped feeling for me.  Just know my intentions were really good. A gain all I wished was you sat down with me face to face and discussed why things ended the way they did. A nyways I will leave you be.   Writing that to my ex was really hard as I know now it is truly over and I can't do anything about it.  I wished that I was the one that he chose as his life time partner as that is what our relationship was about before it abruptly ended.  And even though I know what I know about his past relationships with his ex wife, him leaving her for no reason, him falling into depression during that time and him dating two people prior to me and then letting go after 6 months....I was still hoping that I was the one who would have changed all that for him.  Right now I need to get myself out of this and start looking for a new relationship as dwelling on this is bringing me down...even though its really hard to.  One day soon hopefully with my prayers to GOD perhaps my wishes will be answered. Right now I am so very emotional as I don't know how anyone can treat someone like this. I loved him with everything I had and then some. Post Edited (Optimistik) : 2/17/2007 4:57:48 PM (GMT-7)
Posted 2/19/2007 4:53 AM (GMT 0)
Well I am very very sorry that he turned out to have that attitude. There's a point at which we all reach when we get just tired of someone, and usually we know why, basically.

I think that is why sometimes those with BP do seem cold, selfish, or cruel. I think when all of us get TRULY FED UP, we do this . . . but it doesn't feel like that to us. Those with BP may show the same emotions, but they are more marked. And they ARE delivered with force, even rage. But I ASSURE you that later, when you are NOT looking (and this may take days or weeks) they (just like all of us) think about it all in bits, here and there, and eventually as a whole. They recall enough of their actions to feel embarrassed. And the more YOURS were balanced, the more embarrassed they feel. How can you be SO giving, SO caring, SO loving to them? Remember, self confidence is an even bigger issue (though well hidden) with many who have BP than even the most insecure individual. And BP precludes vulnerability -- which a insecure person may be able to show, or even communicate, or reveal. And each person with BP isn't a clone, of course. They are individuals, some with hard experiences that would challenge anyone, and leave them hurt or changed.

It's exceptionally hard thought to remember this when YOU are the target of the cruelty -- and especially the seeming indifference. The utter and complete willingness to FORGET you, to MOVE on. But as much as that IS true, it is ALSO A LIE. That is NOT the entire picture. The ride may never end, but the BP person wishes it would. Because so much is a mess.

My friend always mourned her terminal "bad luck". Said bad things would always eventually happen to her. Now, you or I might want to describe logically why that might happen. But to her, THAT is how it feels. Think about that. If she really meant that, and I believe she did, that's pretty bad. It's akin to waiting for the sky to fall, knowing it will, and trying to enjoy the moment without fearing when it will. But with her, I noticed that she would try to prevent the sky from falling, by running. If she wasn't allowed to run, she would shout. And if that didn't do it, then she would turn cold -- deliberately so. AS YOU SAID -- almost seeming to want to drive away that which she feared losing. I remember working with her once in the morning. We were having a argument. It was one of the first, and it was a pretty good one. She told me after things settled down "You see. Everything eventually goes bad. It's downhill from here." Well, that's pretty much what she said I think. I remember being shocked. She was half in tears and she meant it, even if she was whining a bit. I told her "What?! Come on! This was just a little argument." She said "NO! Don't lie. Everything goes bad for me." Sounds dramatic? Yes. But she also meant it. That was just a glimpse. But I didn't realize how much she took even a small disagreement to heart, let alone the bigger ones. I should have, but I didn't. I failed.

I recently heard that she said she had failed, made the mistakes, and didn't want me to suffer. Apparently she said it to another right before the worst began. But I didn't know that, and wasn't told until too late. I would have guessed, but her actions confused me. I was "too sensitive". Yes, I guess I was. You see, I wanted to help. When I couldn't I tried to back off, but saw how it was me that seemed most pushed away. I didn't quite get this, or I might have considered it a honor. Oh, I saw it, and I wasn't stupid. But my "love" for her ironically, made it difficult. How much more for you then, since you were talking of forever. Then too, I hoped my friendship with her would be "forever." In truth, I still do. And it's there for her, if she ever chooses to return. Our last face to face wasn't good to say the least. I HAVE to respect, like you, what was said to me. But who knows. Not everything is up to me. Not all change is begun by me. I believe that she is with me, even now. But I think she is afraid.

With me, and most men, we use anger to conceal fear or hurt, to a degree. With my friend she is soft at heart as they come, but she wants to be strong, solid, a person who doesn't crumble or cry. So she, like some men, gets pissed. She needs help, and I think she'll get there. But I don't want her alone in those worst moments no one knows.

Tomorrow will be 1 year to the day since I first really and truly MET her (2/19/2006). -- Since our first talk and introductions. I remember it well and always will. No one can replace her in my life. I remember everything. Every place and moment shared. I am sure you do as well. Just remember, if you can, that people in general make mistakes. Do things they don't fully see, and knowing that CAN spare you a whole lot of pain.

I don't expect anything I can say or anyone else (except him perhaps) can take away the hurt you are feeling. Time will hurt, as much as help. Just don't be surprised if a miracle happens. But continue loving and living, rather than wait for it. Keep an eye on him here and there. He may be able to talk once a few months have gone by since this all began. I believe my friend is still angry with me, but maybe . . . just maybe she wonders how her friend is. In time, maybe the person she trusted most will be let back in. I was something different I think. I was something never tried, who did things others didn't dare. I could have done as others did, kept my head down and laid low. But that isn't me. Still, that's what I did NEED to be, some of the time. I was perhaps too late in doing that. Only time will tell. All I know is so much her is a mistake or a illusion. So much is done or not done based on our fears. I wish it weren't so. And I wish of all things, love wasn't among those things that are feared the most.
Posted 2/19/2007 9:32 PM (GMT 0)

Unfortunately for me the delivery of the flowers were taken even worse then I realized.  My ex doesn't like other people knowing his business and he for whatever reason felt I had broadcast it to people at work.  What actually happened was I needed to find out the address location of where he worked which I did and the person I spoke to at the customer counter stated that people in his position were not allowed to receive packages.  So she stated that if I placed her name on the package with deliver to his name in brackets, she would ensure he received the package.  The next day I called to confirm he received the package as he did not call me on the day of.  At which point later I found out that he was really really angry about the delivery and was going to call me to discuss the issue, he felt it intrusive.  He never called.  In short, he stated that this person at the customer counter said I was asking questions (what questions he thought I was asking I have no idea).  I called him to discuss this as I wanted to make sure he didn't misunderstand but he didn't respond to my call where by I just sent him an e-mail with clarification.  I have really messed things up and he will no longer be speaking to me.  By trying to work things out and not giving him space I have basically lost him forever.  Everything I have done thus far he has taken out of context.

I dont' know if he even cares for me anymore or even feels anything toward me anymore but all I know is he is meeting other people now for dating and whatever else.  I also know that he is doing the online thingy and his profile is not 100% truthful. 

For me I have been more of the emotional one where by he has been the hard one.  One year has already passed for me and I remember every moment of time we spent together.  I loved him very dearly and still cant' understand what happened and how things got to this point.  I still can't understand how he was so good to me for so many months and then just became so angry to the point he did not  want to speak to me anymore.

In the end I feel like this is my fault in the sense that he would still be speaking to me if I hadn't pushed this far and let him be when he just wanted to concentrate on work and did not feel anything for me anymore.  He will not speak to me until I can handle him dating other people, even then if I could handle it I think I have messed things up to the point that he will never ever speak to me again. 

Your right no one can say anything to me to take away the pain I feel right now. I need to take a deep breath and basically move on. I have been so utterly stressed that I have not been able to eat or sleep even though it has been almost 3 months.  He seems to be 100% over the situation where as I am still struggling to deal.

Posted 2/20/2007 9:49 AM (GMT 0)
Don't blame yourself. Really. Yes, you probably made a few mistakes. But on the whole you did what was right. Too close for comfort -- that's the issue here. See, yesterday, the 19th was a year since I knew her. A full year! I learned quickly that she was so hurt from her past. A past no one dared touch upon, except me. But it goes further, she has been misunderstood and embarrassed (mostly to her own eyes) by her bipolar. She is a VERY loving person deep down and she shows it in a thousand random acts of kindness. It's really sooooo cool to see. But when afraid, she shuts down, goes into selfish mode, gets angry (like most who try to fly and can't, she fights) and then pushes away by whatever will move the person. I would be that person. But here's the thing, I think she KNOWS that I know this about her. She should. But where does she hide then? To some love is a freeing thing. To others it is very very frightening. Even if I come as just a friend (which is all I was) I still come to claim her heart and soul -- TO KNOW HER, you see. Her culture, her losses and hurts, her upbringing, and her BP ALL are real walls that will take many years to bring down, or to alter. Some she will always need as wisdom and protection. Even I would not deprive her of that. I FEEL that she thinks of me, even now. And I have been acting to move a co-worker to know her better, a mutual friend. I told another friend of her birthday, and am trying to help a best friend to understand her as best as she can. It feels good to do what is right, and I know she didn't mean for her words. She was angry because she was afraid and unused to someone like me. I saw this for some time. At times she was free and happy, at times she was afraid an quiet. Sigh. I don't want to see her hurt because of me. I have the flexibility to be what she needs if she returns. That means backing off. Just being more lighthearted. It's been hard because my life has been tough at times. And we were in the midst of a tough situation involving others. Others she cherished and didn't want to lose. I gave her hope, and then she saw it nearly taken away. I wasn't responsible for that, but I did remove the veil and hidden feelings within her group to some extent. I didn't mean to. I only sought to help and heal.

This guy of yours IS making a mistake. He can hide and distract himself. That is what she was doing and I understood why. But she was very good at picking at my insecurities. Still I hope to share the last laugh together. I'm not interested in winning. If your "friend" (since that is what he is now I suppose) doesn't see your heart in time, it will be his loss. But I bet he is hurting, I be he is struggling with his BP and his past and the cycles of things that only seem to repeat. It's a hell of sorts. Don't take this personally. I did for moments and I hurt her. Just moments, too. Small moments. She never wanted to hurt me. But I proved human. Don't get me wrong, a lot still hurts and there is no assurance that she won't stop running if we meet up again. No clear promise that things will even return ever to what they were. But I know her and believe in her. I hurt and go through my OWN "bipolar" back and forth. It's really amazing. She would rather I not. But that isn't her choice. I believe I was meant to know her and to help. I don't have to be a pest too. There is more than one way to overcome a wall. If you can see how they were built and how you contribute to them, you have hope.

I am very sorry that you have been so hurt. He SEEMS to be 100% over it, but I doubt it. Men are good at denial, and throw in the bipolar and you have a bad mix. But his mother is there, and give him his freedom and space and maybe. Just don't sulk, because he will run from what hurts, and he hurts when he hurts you. He DOES push harder so he won't have to see you be "overly sensitive". I do sincerely wish you the best. Maybe you were right about him being "the one". But sometimes here we don't see everything as it should be. If we did, the world would be quite different. All in good time, I hope.
Posted 2/21/2007 7:16 AM (GMT 0)
Well I do know one thing... I have panic disorder. My GP once said I might be showing some bipolar tendencies, but my psychiatrist and nurse told me I had nothing to worry about in that field. After reading some of the posts here tonight, I began to panic. A year ago I almost left my relationship of 5 years to be with someone else. I did not exactly seek this out, but I did get involved in it over the internet. My b/f and I were pretty much living in the same house, but not in the same world. We weren't doing too well in our relationship and I felt lonely, vulnerable and sad because of it for quite some time. Anyhow, I had this online relationship going for about a month on/off and it was really hurting the people around me, sometimes I was so consumed by this new person in my life that I was almost apathetic to those around me. Other times, when away from the computer, I cared for them deeply. For months after this incident I worried maybe I was being bipolar (manic) although I was more distraught than happy during that time. I realize that I have been absolutely obsessive about going crazy or having a mental disorder such as bipolar for over a year now... This obsession has caused me much grief, panic, and sleepless nights. My b/f says that although I was acting quite out of character that month, I did not seem to portray bipolar behavior at all. Now here is why I am worried..... I began treatment for hep c about a week ago and I have been under SO much stress. I haven't been getting out of the house-or from my couch at ALL really. I have been stuck in my head, anxiety and panic-ridden for the majority of my days now. Anyhow, my b/f and I have been fighting almost every night for the past 5 nights now (and last year’s incident happened around the same time). The thing is, I sometimes blame him for my situation with the OCD and panic disorder (because ever since we've been together, it has been changing me to no end). I love him entirely, but I just get so upset with him sometimes, and I have spoken of leaving almost every night for the past 5 nights during these fights as well, he has mentioned me moving out as well. Now, what I am trying to figure out is: Am I just over stressed, depressed and convincing myself I am going crazy? Am I making myself so helpless to the point that I threaten leaving because he says he just doesn't care at all anymore? Or could this be bipolar behavior? He doesn't even care enough to take me to the hospital tonight, as he says I am just being obsessive. Okay, perhaps there is truth to that but I am bawling my eyes from sheer terror here. I need to understand if this is normal human behavior to want to leave your spouse when they are being distant, insensitive and hostile- or is it me possibly being bipolar? I guess the real question is: Is he being like this because of me being bipolar or because I have made myself feel crazy by this point? I don't know. I'm so scared. If I found out I was ok, I would probably consider leaving because he has been SO unkind and SO mean for quite some time now. If I found out I was bipolar, well, I guess we could talk- I could apologize, and hopefully he would be more sincere when I need him. Ok---now onto another question. How on earth do I ever know for sure if I am being misdiagnosed or not about being bipolar (if that were the case)? And does medication help a LOT, or will this disorder ruin my life (if I was told I suffered from it)?? Thank you so much. So sorry for the long post (I don't know, maybe even that makes me manic) but I just needed to vent and ask some questions for once and for all. Thank you very kindly. I also want to add that by no means do I feel God-like, happy, or have lots of energy atm. If anything I am the COMPLETE opposite. Well, I do feel 'high' in my head- but I think that is very much stress induced. Thanks again.
Posted 12/1/2008 5:30 AM (GMT 0)
what ever happend with your boyfriend? i am bipolar and am currently doing the same thing to my girlfriend.
email me.

jacob


(I edited out your email address -- see the post below. serafena)

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 12/1/2008 8:55:18 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 12/1/2008 3:59 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Jacob,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. You are very welcome here.

You are probably not going to get a response to this because it is almost 2 years old. These people aren't even on the board anymore. Better to start a New Topic and tell your own story. People who are on the board now will respond.

Additionally, I edited out your email address. We try to avoid having email addresses in the posts because bots are continually scanning them. I'd hate to have your email end up available for all the web to see. Instead, put your email in your profile by going into your control panel at the top left, and then only people will be able to access it.

Thanks,
serafena
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