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Posted 12/22/2008 3:09 PM (GMT 0)
 

 Hi

I am new to this forem. I read several of the threads about coping with a bipolar spouse and literally cried at the similarities. My husband was diagnosed about a year ago and as I learned about the condition my life for the last seventeen years seemed to make sense.

I finally had a reason why this person that I loved could be so great one minute and hate me so much the next. We have five children and I think the hardest thing is trying to explain this to them. Especially when he says hurtfull things to me in front of them. I feel as if I am repeating so much of what I have read here. We have also battled the infedelity paronoia. This was the most hurtful to me and went on for nearly a year. Even now he fights the thoughts which kill my soul because I feel he should know me by now.

His anger has always scared me and I'm ashamed to say that sometimes instead of holding back I confront him half hoping for a reason to walk away. Then when I think about it I know that it is wrong. I love him so much and if I won't help him who will? He has driven away most of his friends and constantly has paranoid thoughts about the people who love him the most.

Our recent delima has been work. He quit his job of fifteen years and has not been able to find another. His meds were over four hundred dollars a month and so all he takes now is an anti depessant. And all of the stress makes his symptoms worse.

Please understand that my husband is a great man at heart, he loves his children and me. I just feel so helpless as to how to encourage him right now. He is so depressed and angry about not being able to provide for his family. And at the same time so insecure that it is frusrating in the job search. I apoligize for the lengthy hello and I thank everyone for sharing. It helps to see other people not giving up.

Praying

Posted 12/22/2008 5:12 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Praying and Welcome to HealingWell.

We're glad you're here. I'm glad you've been able to find some similarities in the stories on the board. Hopefully that lets you know you're not alone. Perhaps you can also find some strategies for dealing with his behaviors.

I think the best strategy for dealing with the children is to explain to them more or less the truth -- that dad has a mood disorder. I think getting him involved in this deiscussion is best, so he can reassure them he loves them no matter what is ideal.

I know money is tight, but it's not a good idea for bipolars to be on anti-depressants alone -- it can trigger mania, or make mania worse. So he needs to see his doctor and get on medication for his bipolar. Tell the doc about your financial constraints and ask for a generic drug or ask for samples.

The other thing that you really should look into is some therapy for him -- either a free group therapy setting usually available through your hospital, or ann individual therapist who sees patients on a sliding scale, usually available at the local mental health clinic. He needs to learn ways to deal with his emotional life other than taking it out on you.

Finally, you could use therapy too, but I understand money's scarce. Keep coming here and letting us know how you're doing. Try and find some friends. You might take a look at the book "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder" by Julie Fast

serafena
Posted 12/22/2008 9:41 PM (GMT 0)
I am the one in our marriage with BP. Things never really got better and "stayed" better until we both accepted it. Then the painstaking process of getting the right meds. Serafena is right, he probably needs more than what he is taking and there are alot of good ones out there that are generic. My two meds combined for one month is $30.00 but I also have a great RX drug plan thru my company. Go on-line to pharmaceutical companies, sometimes they offer assistance. It is great that you have hung in there! Your kids I am sure love their Dad and if you explain things to them and they understand behavior issues, than I have found that they try to help and encourage the ill parent to do what they are suppose to, to keep themselves well. It will also help the children in the long run if they themselves start seeing signs of his problem within themselves. If everyone will stick together, get him stable, alot of good can come out of it and the future better.

Keep your chin up, keep digging for resources to help you, do not give in to this dis-ease. Sometimes when it all seems the worse, it does get better. He is lucky to have you.

BP Gemini
Posted 12/24/2008 1:36 AM (GMT 0)

Dear Sarafina and Gemini,

Thankyou so much for your response. I am still marvelling at the number of people who live with this. We are restrained financially right now but I will still try to talk to his doctors and see what options he may have available to him. I only hope that he will go. He says that he feels so much clearer in his thinking since he has stopped the meds. But I can tell that alot of the other symptoms are worse.

And it really helped to hear from someone open about what they are facing in dealing with BP themselves. My husband still feels that maybe he was not diagnosed properly. I wish that I knew how to approach him with this sometimes, how to help. Thank you both again for responding. I am greatful for all of the wisdom and hope to have the opportunity to talk to you soon.

Posted 12/24/2008 2:27 AM (GMT 0)
congratulations on making the first step towards getting some help. As Saratina and gemini suggested, he needs to be followed bt a pdoc (Psychiatrist) to sort through the medication issues, He may also need some help from the O,T, Dept. (occupational therapy) in order to get assistance on his activity proclivities, Eventually, they may be able to help him find a job that accomadates his temperment. not all jobs require interacting with people. The doctor may be able to help wih samples or sometimes the drug companies will give medications to folks w/o much by way of resources. Come and visit our forum frequently, we will find answers.

Posted 12/28/2008 11:59 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Tyno3,

I appreciate your information also. At first, I was just so glad to sort of understand what had been going on for so long that I delt with the daya to day and did not seek out extra information (other than what the doctor provided). Unfortunately this wasn't much and I now realize that I inadvertantly contributed to some of the problems with his friends and at work by not getting all the help he needed.

I did not know that his BP doctor might be able to help him find alternate employment. How do I go about seeking this help? Just ask? This is a very real issue for our family right now. We have been blessed to be able to access his retirement to live on, but the funds are rapidly depleting and this adds more unneeded stress to an already stained situation.

I wil be checking in as often as I can and reading different forems to seek advice. I apologize for the length between replies, but with his attitude toward his diagnosis, I try not to trigger any unpleasant contfrontations by viewing this in front of him. And he is always here untill he finds another job.

Thank you again,
Praying
Posted 12/29/2008 12:00 PM (GMT 0)
Most Menlal Centres have an Occupational Therapist on staff. That person may pass him along to a "job finding group"or may work with him directly. Either way, there is help out there, but he needs to be stable in order to hold a job.

Posted 12/29/2008 11:06 PM (GMT 0)
Another thought occured to me while re=reading the posts. At one point, when I was financially destitute, the psychiatrist made a referral to a Clinical Social Worker at the large Mental Health facility, in our area. The Social worker and I discussed my inability to pay for my meds and the Hospital, or maybe the municipality payed for them. You see, they don't really want BiPolar people out in society untreated. Maybe there is an alternative like that where you live?
Posted 1/3/2009 4:07 AM (GMT 0)

Thank you Tyno3

I have just had the opportunity to check back in. This is an irratic time. I thought that he would take one of two jobs offered to him but it seemed like he panicked. He felt that he was not qualified for these positions but he is very capable of either one.

I know that the major problem is not having all the correct medication. He is now refusing to go to the doctor (who wants to see him again before any new meds are prescribed.)So, what to do now?

Thank you for the ideas and information. I will check into it and I plan to call his doctors again and see if they might make an exception. If I had the meds It would be easier to try to get him to take them.

Thanks again

Posted 1/3/2009 1:06 PM (GMT 0)
I am concerned that you seem to be doing all the work to make the relationship work. If your husband 1) refuses to see a doctor, 2) refuses to take his meds,  3)refuses to participate in your livlihood (financially, by working, or whatever), it seems he has abandoned his responsibilities as a husband and a father. The fact that you are able to come up with excuses for his failure to do what he knows he will inevitably have to do, ie. accept the diagnosis, see a therapist, and get a job or apply for disability, and that you shoulder this burden for him as though you somehow are responsible, is similar to a spose of an alcoholic, making excuses for why the partner drinks. To continue to cover for him enables him to continue being in denial. There are several books out there which I read when I was having to come to terms with the fact my husband wouldn't go to work and help support our family, Smart Love, Women who Love To Much and Melody Beaties books: Co-dependent No More and Beyond Co-dependency. This is your husband hiding behind you to avoid facing reality. You need to step aside and let the light of day strike him full in the face.

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