Well, the start to my 2009 has not gone well. My job is suddenly not going well due to the fact that my boss, who I got along famously for the first 5 months of my job is now hostile, rude and unprofessional to me for no apparent reason. He seems to suddenly be taking all his resentment in life out on me of late – of which he has admitted doing and has even said he doesn’t know why he has picked me. I came back from time off which I earned, and he seems QUITE resentful about it and has begun insulting my job performance now. I have been yelled at consistently for the last 2 months, cursed at repetitively, and a general growling at every turn. We had a talk about it Monday and even though he has acknowledged it as inappropriate and wrong on his part, to various degrees he is still doing it. His behavior strikes me as quite BP out of control as it shifts around constantly, but as I am not a pro, other than being the wife of one and mother to another, therefore I can not make that call. I do know that to stay in this environment is not acceptable. On the flip side, I am making good money in this economy and feel an obligation to my family. Now, my H says he wants me to resign; we'll handle the money somehow – but I am carrying the insurance now and COBRA is costly.
Then after this accelerating even more this week and lasting throughout the week consistently, I got a call Friday morning that a dear friend committed suicide. This has taken me completely by surprise. I was unaware that she suffered from mental illness, a few friends in out group knew but never shared it with the rest of us, and I had known her since high school! We are talking 34 years now. We spoke together about my S and H both being BP, and the challenges I faced dealing with this. The challenges they faced having it, and we all faced as a family. She was always loving and supportive. What she didn't reveal however was SHE was also BP and when through our lives together she was ill, it was due to debilitating depression. I was always lead to believe it was something like a blood disorder or cancer type of thing as she claimed it was nothing anyone could help with she just needed to rest. So, as our wide group of friends started to speak to one another trying to cope with this tragedy, a different picture than the one I knew was slowly being revealed. I am SO very sad. Not only I am considering seeking new work, I now have to face the loss of my friend.
As I sit here and write this, I recognize that I have to get some sleep to go to work tomorrow and face the day of whatever may come my way, and possibly quit. I was proud of the work I was doing and was acknowledged for it being excellent. But I can not continue to work for a man who, while brilliant in his own right as a doctor and the medical corporation he has built, would be so heinously unprofessional to behave as he has to me. I have worked hard for him and his company, and I am clear it is HIS issue. But I am human, and it still hurts, and I can not allow it to continue and I have no control over him.
I also know that I will have to find a way to say goodbye to my friend and reconcile in my heart what she did. I will miss her. I am angry she didn't trust me to share she was struggling with this given how much experience she knew I had with this, and I am angry she did not reach out for help. As a mutual friend said, “She chose a permanent solution to a temporary problem!” There was so much love available to her from SO very many who loved her, support was at her fingertips…all she had to do was reach out.
Sadness is in my heart at the start of 2009… The one bright spot has been that my H has been wonderfully supportive and kind throughout.
Thanks for listening. LFW