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BP Husband is Just Mean and Nasty

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Posted 1/11/2009 8:35 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Everyone,

So last night I went out to two parties with my husband.  Should have just stayed home!  I had insisted on joining him for two reasons: first, I just wanted to spend time with him and second, I am not feeling very secure when he goes out by himself.  This he sensed and two hours before we went out, he asked me why I insisted on going to these events with him, was I afraid of something.  Should have said yes.  Yes I am afraid you will find someone else since you have told me you feel nothing emotional towards me.  (He has told me that right now it's all about the kids and there is nothing between us).

Instead of telling him that I am afraid, I avoid an argument and getting him upset- he was already upset that I was even joining him and I told him that I just wanted to go out with him.  Well, I drink and he's the designated driver.  I drank too much and was rather chatty with the wives of his co-workers.  On the way to the next event, he tells me that I come across as arrogant.  This silences me and he gets upset that I am now not going to be pleasant to be around for the rest of the evening.  Of course I kept to myself and basically observed everyone at the party.

At the end of the night he asks me if I want to do that again- it's obvious I didn't have a good time he says.  Of course I didn't.  He ruined it for me.  That was his intention so that I would never want to go out with him again.  Why would he do this?  He made me feel like he can't stand being around me.  Is this "normal bp" behavior?  Is his coldnesss really realted to bp or am I in denial that my marriage is over?  Help!  Anyone with insight please comment.  I can't wait for this winter break to be over so we can go back to work and our routine and maybe he snaps out of this.

Posted 1/11/2009 9:52 PM (GMT 0)
I don't think it's bp. I think it's your husband. He's not very nice to you. It's aggravated by the bp, perhaps. Made worse by it. But it sounds like you're having problems in your marriage that have nothing to do with bp. I'm so sorry. I wish I had something more positive to say. (((hugs)))

serafena
Posted 1/12/2009 2:20 AM (GMT 0)
I kind of agree with Serafena. Have you guys sought marriage counselling as well? My husband and I are in regular weekly marriage counselling. We've attended many couples workshops and read a lot of relationship books on making marriage work despite the ups and downs of the last year. Our focus together (even though sometimes we both say otherwise when we are angry/upset) is to make our relationship work...and NOT for the kids. We do it for us because if him and I are "healthy" whether we are married or not, that is what is best for our kids.
I know it seems weird me posting about this after my last post about his thoughts of wiping out his family but honestly, we "normally" have some really good times. Up until a few weeks ago we were a normal struggling married couple. We struggle with the kids, we struggle with our jobs we struggle keeping that "spark" we struggle to get out together ......... you know, normal stuff. I know i'll get my husband back again some day (even with the medication) because he deep down really is a good guy. I think his BD spiraling out of control is what has made the last couple months the way it is...
but back to you (sorry)
I think your husband was clearly indicating that he didn't want you to go with him for whatever reason and part of me knows how you are feeling in just wanting to be WITH him even though you know he doesn't want you there and the other part of me cringes and thinks that he is obviously needing some space so maybe you should respect that? Sounds harsh I know and I'm with you, and would have done the same thing (might as well be honest!) just to hang out with him.

((HUGS)) This is tough! I understand!
Posted 1/12/2009 5:31 PM (GMT 0)
Even BPs on medication can sometimes be cold. There are times when I don't feel like communicating with anyone and am snappy at everyone around me. Sometimes I apologize, sometimes, I expect others to understand. With BP, it is not easy to please everyone around you. Is your husband taking medication? Maybe, a psychologist could help as well with talking about issues. I was hostile to everyone around me for one year till my medication was changed and then there was an instant change. If your husband is seeing a psychiatrist, talk to him about changing medication.
Posted 1/13/2009 4:51 AM (GMT 0)
Dear whyus,

I don't want to say this, but I could have written your post. I don't completely understand why, but my husband has done many of the same things after we've been out having a good time together. He either says odd or hurtful things, or says something to take the spark out of a great time sometimes. It's like I have to brace everytime fun times come around, vacations, holidays, parties, etc...because I never know how he'll act. Aaarrrgh!

My therapist has said the same thing Serafena said above - it may be more your husband's personality issues, and the BP magnifies it, particularly if there's drinking involved.

I understand the coldness though, it's one of the hardest things to deal with.

Love,

4support
Posted 1/13/2009 8:54 AM (GMT 0)

Hi whyus,

I don't know whether it is related to BP or not. You wanting to go with husband is obviously a good thing. Sometimes I want to pay a little more attention to where my wife is going when we have a argument or have a bad week. One of the things I have been trying to do is have my own things to do with friends etc... But how to you do this without having your spouse become even more distant from you? I usually ask her along with me or I just try to do my own thing when she is doing hers. I aske her if she had fun and what happened with her evening. Show I'm interested even when she is not with me. I find this goes back and forth. Somedays we want to spend every minute with eachother, sometimes it's like can you just leave me alone. I wonder how he would react if all the sudden you were out and about? Play it safe though. Let him know where you are if he asks. But it sounds like you might still be worried about what he is doing. I'm the same way so don't feel wierd about it. But you have to work that out yourself.

I think you love your husband very much. One of the mistakes I made with my wife is letting people think ill of her. I feel he should defend you if people call you arrogant. He's not thinking this way lately I'm sure. It's hard because I don't want you to lose respect for yourself and you need to show him that without starting a fight. Everybody is so different when it comes to this but try to come across that you are talking to him because you love him not because you want to fight or give him a hard time. You just want what is best for the relationship. Again it is hard to give advice because I don't if you are being sensative or have exhausted your efforts. But if you know you have done your best to make something work or to improve your marriage then take pride in that.

wish the best for you

Posted 1/13/2009 11:48 AM (GMT 0)
Hi There, I just want to make this short and sweet because it brings back to many horrible memories for me...I was diagonised with BP and I would do the same to my husband and then be the complete opposite later.. I loved him very much so.. but I do believe it is a symptom to the disease...there are web site that can tell you all the things to expect, but they do vary from every individual.   I feel for you are you will have your hands full.  I in the end became tired of continually hurting my family with the disorded and left them...I hated what I would do and how my emotions would be so erratic and my behaviours unforgivable...I hated me and the disease!! Stay strong, try not to take it personally! I think he is very lost and confused in his mind and body right now...Let the meds work and then make the decision to move on if u wish.  gillxx

Posted 1/13/2009 2:14 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Whyus;

I have also had similar experiences with my wife. There have been times when she was wanting to get together with old friends & party & would make it clearly known that she did not want me to go. (she has two groups of "old Friends" & it has happened with both.) Then proeeded to list all the reasons why, all of course had to do with me & my personality, from how quiet I am around new people, to my smart a** sense of humor, to I would make everyone uncomfortable. There was one time when she & one group of her old friends had a house party planned & I kept being told how I wans't invited(by her) & I kept firm to my feelings of not wanting her to go by herself because one of her exes would be there & I did not trust him(with good reason based on his past actions). She eneded up not going. A few days later she went to her friends house just to hang out & just out of the blue (acording to her) all her old friends came over & they had their little party.
I know how much that kind of thing can sting. I don't know if it is part of the BP or not, as everyone is different. By the way, those things I talked about happened before she was diagnosed. But from what I have read, the manipulation & lying are a pretty common trait.

However, I do think everyone needs their "me time". Whether it is being with your own friends, or just doing your own thing. But the environment that that happens in has to be acceptable to the other person. I doubt you would have a problem with him playing golf or going fishing or somemthing like that with his friends, just like he wouldn't with you going to lunch or shopping or whatever with yours. Going to a club or in your case (and mine) a party with friends would be a different story (at least with us it would be).

Hope this helped;

Rocket
Posted 1/13/2009 3:58 PM (GMT 0)
slkjnik,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. It's nice to have you. Thank you for your insight into Whyus's question.

How about starting a new topic and telling us a little bit about yourself. It's always nice to learn about the newbies. We're a welcoming and friendly crowd, so don't be shy.

Thanks,
serafena
Posted 1/13/2009 11:01 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks you all!  Some great input on my topic.  I have my first meeting with a psychologist on Thursday and I can't wait for it to come.  Again, it is good to know that I am not the only spouse of a bp sufferer going through all this!  Your comments make me think and re-evaluate my situation. 

Yesterday was our first day back at work and the evening went rather smoothly.  He said he had a good day at work.  I picked up two of the kids, he got the other one.  Dinner was ready when they came home.  Everyone ate.  Things seemed to be getting back to "normal".

After homework, he and our oldest play video games for a bit and he starts snapping at my poor little guy because he's not doing whatever he wants him to do on the dumb video- so childish.  So I have to mediate and get them both off to bed. This is not ok.  Now he's losing his patience quicker with the kids.  It's obvious he needs to see the doctor to adjust meds. 

How do I bring this up without coming across as pushy, irritated, demanding or angry?  How do I even begin the conversation and have him not get angry or not want to talk about it?  I don't want to make him have to get defensive on me. Help! 

Posted 1/14/2009 8:18 AM (GMT 0)
As I dont know your husband personally or your relationship. I could recommend getting all the relevent information, symptoms, stages and warning signs on BP off the internet, GPs and I'm sure this site will have alot of good info you would be able to print off. I would mention your concerns that something may be happening that he might not be noticing and have the paperwork there for him to read through in his own time. He may not admit to you anything is wrong, but he will be able to see himself in the words on the paper infront of him.... be strong because if he dosnt want to take this matter seriously than I feel very sorry for you....You can not fix it without him wanting to see anything is wrong...Maybe you will have to risk him getting a shock and seeing how serious you are about this for him to even look at the info. But It is worth a try, It will only get worse until he seeks help. Sorry and Goodluck. Gillxx
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