The Spouces

O.K. Here is the question & anyone an feel free to answer. Is it just me, or does it seem a little odd that there was a handful of us spouces that joined up here at the same time  (someone else has noticed this before, but I can't recall who) , was all going thru a really rough spot at the same time, but now seem to all be having a run of smoothe road right now. there have been a few of us (myself inluded) that have'nt posted for about a week until the past day or so, & then it was with good news, there are a couple more of the regularly posting spoues that are still MIA for about a week now. I am assuming that they are having a good spot as well or we probably would have heard different. Just wondering if anyone else has noticed this.

rocket

I was thinking the same thing too! I have certainly noticed that recent posts are more and more from our dear friends who are suffering with BD. And the supporters are being a bit quiet. Obviously the holidays played a huge role -- we were frantically looking for answers and support and those with BD were suffering and just trying to get through the holidays. Overall, though, I think finding this forum was a bit of Divine Intervention (if you believe in such things). I know that I have been touched by a higher power in my struggle with this. I have learned so much about myself and my capabilities. As horrific as it has been, it has also been a fantastic journey of self-discovery.

I am just glad that I have this soft place to land! Without you guys, I don't think I would have had the strength or conviction to stick this out. Most of my friends and family who don't understand could not be the support that I needed. Thank you all for being there for me! Oh, but don't worry, I am NOT going anywhere! I check in at least twice a day!

Have a wonderful Tuesday! I am off to therapy!

Definitely the time of year plays a part! I have noticed in the 3 years of being on many different forums the same thing. I really think that seasonal affective disorder may play a huge part. My husband is always triggered by weather changes and most definitely the the holidays. In the six years we'd been together, I've only spent 2 New Years with him. He gets weird around October, and has broken up with me just about every year around (or on) my Birthday which is in November and comes back to me between January and February when the mania turns to depression. Sure enough, I got the call two weeks ago. We're still apart...

Jondoe,
Well, I've had a lot of people who I've drawn strength from myself. I found another amazing forum and some of the stories of people with thirty-something year-long relationships, like mine, blew me away. I realize that not all relationships with bp spouses are like mine. Some people can make it work because, bp aside, personality flaws can be hard enough to deal with alone. My situation is, as I see it now, completely hopeless. One, because he surrounds himself with enablers, with whom, I don't have the strength nor the desire to fight against anymore. I would have to if I stayed-that would never change. I'm done-plain and simple. I use to care that people saw my point of view and knew where I was coming from. I've prolonged my own agony. Once I decided that I didn't give a flying fig about them taking his side, or what story he was telling everyone, I became "emotionally untouchable" in a sense. They're wondering what's going on because I haven't contacted anyone...and I won't. The second thing: He doesn't think he needs help. He thinks when he "finds happiness", the problem with bp will go away, so therefore, wasn't committed to our relationship because that was the cause of his "unhappiness". Ugh!

Since he made his grand appearance to me recently, I've had to remind myself several times every single day, what my life would be, inevitably, if I stayed, and what it could be (or is now). Now that I'm out and feeling some peace and happiness..some calm, it is easier for me to be a friend...I love him from a distance. You have to really evaluate your situation and determine if this is something you want to fight for. Leaving can be harder than staying sometimes because you still love them...you have a history and memories. It's your comfort level..it may not be healthy, but it's familiar. We tend to settle with what we know...learn to accept that this is "just the way our lives turned out to be" and just go with it. No one ever has to accept unhappiness. I wouldn't tell anyone to leave their spouse because it's a personal decision based on many things and doesn't always have to do with whether you love them or not- I love him and always will, and it pains me so much to know that I HAVE to end it. I just know that I am worth something too and I have SO much to offer. Am I perfectly happy? No...but I'm getting there.

Hey Rocketman;

I was the one that made the initial observation.  I just happened to notice that most of the people that replied to posts (except serafena) had under 20 posts!

For me, well i'm quiet b/c my DH was in treatment (yes you read right, WAS)... that's a story for tomorrow and I moved over the weekend and didn't have internet! oops gotta run!

Hi all, as a spouse can't say things are smooth sailing. The last month has been a bear which I have shared. Hubby was sweet enough about my sorrows at work and with my BP friend who chose to take her own life...but on the personal issues between us....I am still lonely as hell and OH SO tired of the odd reactions to the smallest infractions...a tone in my voice he doesn't like, or a sentence he takes offense to - that any person not suffering with this condition would probably not even have it be a blip on thier radar or raise an eyebrow....but for my spouse it has created the silent treatment towards me for days and under the breath insults towards me ....over WHAT???? It feels so crazy sometimes. Just NOT normal...you know? I do not mean this as an insult to my BP family here, but sometimes OMG, it is crazymaking for me. It is painful to be treated so badly and spoken to so unkindly...I am human, I have feelings too, I am not made of teflon. I sometimes get so sad to think I will be living the rest of my life so alone and feeling disconnected from the one I love so dearly. I am not really happy here and don't know if I ever will be...I am currently having a crisis of faith that it will ever be anything but what it is. And I don't know if it remains like this how I will ever really be happy feeling this alone. I swear with all that is holy, I am doing the very best I can given the situation. I feel me angry inside all the time and working to not sound like I am resentful and growling. I think I do an amazing job accepting things and just getting on with it....you know? But by God....it is lonely. I feel like a plant recieving no water and withering away before its time. I just want NORMAL...but instead, I have now 3 BP's at home, and 1 at work that I must contend with and it is overwhelming the hell out me. It would help me SO much, and give me SUCH hope if my H would just OWN some of his crappy behavior....just say "I'm sorry" even once in a while when he overreacts over NOTHING - showing that my feeling count. I am being depleated with no means of replenishment in site. My computer has been down for 10 days, and I sure could have used sharing before today...but alas, this was the first moment I have had, and my computer back up (although I do not have spell check at the moment, so please forgive any mis-spellings...I usually check for those before posting). Anyway, so for this spouse anyway....nope..,..not in a great moment! My H keeps trying to insinuate I am in a depression....REALLY???? Gosh, what the heck do I have to feel depressed about???? But, the funny thing is, he says it to me with such blame vs. acknowledgement that with all I am dealing with, and how little is between us because of how he treats me (of course never acknowledging that he does so negatively - or that it is at all connected to his BP)...that I am in denial. But I am not, I am talking about it in therapy regularly and have even asked my therapist if he feels I need any antidepresants. He has said no...that my coping skills are amazing, and while things may get me down...they don't keep me down and my attitude in general is always quite positive, although strained holding it all together.

Oh well, enough ranting for me for one night. Glad I can get back on and get some of this off my chest. Thanks for listening all... and any good input is always welcome. LFW

LFW:

My dear friend, I'm sorry you're struggling so hard right now. You have so much on your plate and with 3 bipolars at home, who would not be overwhelmed? I feel for you. I wish I could make your husband more supportive and less sensitive, but alas, I cannot. That doesn't mean you don't need those things though. Have you talked with your therapist about how to find support for yourself? I know you don't want to think about divorce, but do. Don't be too hard on yourself. Try to get enough rest (I know that's nearly impossible, but it's important,) and remember you do the best you can and that's good enough.

serafena

LFW,

I'm new here, long time caregiver. Just wanted to say my heart goes out to you. Sometimes people telling you how strong you are can be encouraging, sometimes it only makes it harder. The lack of appreciation from anywhere only adds to that loneliness.

I hope you can find some peace somewhere.

If I may ask, how old are your children?

Hi Rocketman...and all friends!

For some reason, it didn't seem like as long as it's actually been since I've been on here sharing & replying to posts, but I realized yesterday it had been a while! - - for me, thank goodness it's been smooth as of late.  The holidays were not good as with many of you.  But both my husband and I are in counseling (separately) and things are moving along fine (right now).  His meds seem to be stable and he seems to be gaining some awareness of his behaviours.  I wish I could just relax and embrace it all, but I can't yet.  I am wondering - once he has more awareness, does it stick?  I mean, is this one of the keys to stability in the marriage? 

I started to come out of my funk a couple of weeks ago which I am SO thankful for.  My hubbie's behaviour I feel was breaking me, and I was feeling depressed and hopeless about our relationship.  But also, I started back in nursing school in January and my life has become very hectic again w/adding school into the mix.  It's a good thing getting more into a routine again.

Even so, I am going to try to make a bigger effort to check in more often.  I'm thinking of all of you & want to be there for support and conversation as much as I possibly can.  Sorry it's been a while, but my thoughts of you are never far away!  For now, sending hugs and prayers for the best...

More soon, I'm off to class!

Love,

4support

Glad to hear from you 4!

I'm also glad to hear things are continuing to go okay. Keep taking care of yourself too! That's an important change you needed to make. I'm glad you're back in school. That sounds great.

Check in when you can!

serafena

*Sorry, didn't realize I had to post an intro thread. I really don't want to do that as my spouse uses my computer and I already had to go to great lengths to register here in a way that I feel he won't see my posts or check up on me. Is there any way I can get a pass on that as it will make me way too paranoid to post here and I really, really need some help and support. If not I apologize and I'll delete this so not to break the rules.

My spouse has a longterm (8 years now) diagnosis of BP 1. Recently he was hospitalized after a long manic episode where he was convinced that space alien lizards were running the world monetary system and became obsessed with alex jones and other conspiracy websites. After hospitalization, he refuses to let me come with him to his appointments, doesn't do any of the exercises his therapist gives him because he's "too tired" or "too busy" (watching random youtubes for hours is a full-time job i guess) and insists that he can "work it out on his own and I have to be patient while he goes through this", only takes his medications if I force him to (and gets angry at me for reminding him) and responds to all of my statements or questions with "you just don't understand" or "I know I know I know STOP BUGGING ME"?

I have stayed for 5 years trying everything in the world to help and support him and it's always "nagging". When I said "let's go to couples therapy" he says "fine but not until I have my BP under control, there's no point in us going when I am still having symptoms". ????? That's the entire point!!

When I try to tactfully tell him his actions have an impact on me, he gets defensive and stalks off or turns it around that I am oversensitive and have a mood disorder and basically it's my fault. My birthday was a few weeks ago; no card, no present, nothing. He said "I forgot it was this weekend, I'll do something next week for you." Next week comes around and he says "Well I didn't know what you wanted to do so I didn't plan anything because I didn't have any ideas." Because he was too busy watching youtubes and updating his facebook every three minutes. Valentine's is this weekend, and I say "so whaddya wanna do for Valentines yo" and he says "argrhgrhgrhr so stressful i can't handle it just tell me what you want and I'll do it, I can't deal with this right now". so it'll be another valentine's where we sit around watching movies he likes and then I give up and go to bed while he passes out on the couch.

So how do you deal with it when your spouse rejects everything you do, talks to you once a day (when he's hungry and you've made a meal, or when he needs your "advice" which he never takes) and doesn't sleep with you for a year, yet insists he doesn't want you to leave him and "can't bear the thought of losing you"?

Sorry, i didn't mean for my first post here to be so brusque. I'm just at the end of my rope. He promised when he came back from hospital that he would stop withdrawing and make it work with us but since then it's always him, him, him, and when I point out I am lonely or feel rejected he just gets upset and says "i'm sorry you feel that way". no admission of ownership or compromise. every time i try to compromise (i'll do this if you do that, i'll help you do a mood chart, i'll take care of your appointments for you) he just says "you don't understand". i do understand. i'm not some ***** that wants it all about me. i just feel like he could care less if i lived or died but won't let me go or try to keep me here. like i'm just some gnat banging against his screen door - beaneath notice unless i'm making noise and forcing issues.

please tell me i'm not the only one who goes through this. all i think all the time is it must be me. after all things were perfect the first 2 years we were together, i have never been happier in my life. and now when i mention that he says "well you can't live in the past, that was a long time ago" etc. he says he knows he has withdrawn from me and doesn't like it and wants to change but i never see any change, or any evidence that change is coming. i just see him sitting in front of his computer for 17 hours a day ignoring me unless he needs something or i start crying. what happened to the wonderful man i loved? is he still in there?

Post Edited (coseymo) : 2/12/2009 2:09:49 PM (GMT-7)

Hi Coseymo,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. No worries about the intro post. Make sure to clean your internet history or "private data" when you're done using the internet if you want to protect your privacy. It's usually really easy.

Rocketman is completely correct, you are joining a community of both bipolar sufferers and their loved ones and your story sounds remarkably similar (minus the lizards -- gotta give you that one) to many others. You are not alone. Untreated bipolar follows a pretty predictable path. Your husband is suffering from an illness which makes him act the way he does. Sticking to his medication would make him better, but I can't promise it would make things perfect again.

I think what you need to do right now is to stop worrying about him for a little while and start worrying about yourself. It's the only thing you can control anyway. Time for some therapy for you. You are under a huge amount of stress, you're getting very little affection or support from your husband, and you're dealing with a chronic illness. Therapy or counseling could be tremendously helpful in finding ways to cope with your husband and manage your own frustrations in a more healthy way.

Hope this is helpful,
serafena

Coseymo,

I feel for you. I am the bipolar one but i could write those exact words

"So how do you deal with it when your spouse rejects everything you do, talks to you once a day (when he's hungry and you've made a meal, or when he needs your "advice" which he never takes) and doesn't sleep with you for a year, yet insists he doesn't want you to leave him "

I'm going through the same thing and it makes me feel like I'm really crazy. I can't understand how this man can live day after day in my presence and not see me not try to have some fun with me not think about my feelings. I feel like furniture. until he is ready to eat.

I agree with everyone else. Get yourself some therapy. Thats my plan, trying to get a quicker appointment cause it has me felling out of control.

And the other thing i would say, is to do something to make yourself feel good - hair cut, pedicure, go to the movies with friends. It won't change anything, but it does help you feel just a bit better for that time and every bit helps at this point.

And keep posting. I wil look out for you.

BPTT