Posted 2/18/2009 7:01 PM (GMT 0)
Dear BPTT,
My journey toward diagnosis was a difficult one. I was psychotic for several months, went through several psychiatrists and psychologists and finally got diagnosed in July 2007. I went through a lot of abuse as a consequence of my psychosis and became even more co-dependent than before. I was stable for seven months, had a relapse and took six more months to heal. By the end of this ordeal, I had already lost 2 years of my life. I had built my career in NYC (I had been bipolar since I was 10 but had somehow managed to survive since my parents did not like the idea of psychiatrists) and I was unfit to work anywhere else since the publishing industry is centered around London and New York. My parents had brought me to Kuwait after my episode and I was miserable in a country that I disliked with a passion (the Islamic fundamentalists in this country can drive anyone insane). I had no goals, I was completely lost. All the men who had pursued me were successful bankers and consultants in NYC and when I ended up in Kuwait, diagnosed with BP, they all lost interest in me. In short I realized that my entire life had to take a different trajectory. I loved books and had aspired to be a part of the literary world since I was 8. I found my dreams shattered. This is the hardest part of life, to pick up oneself and move on. After weeks of thinking, I realized I wanted to help the beggars and the homeless people of Delhi, India. There are so many of them and the little children have no choice except to turn to crime when they grow up. I decided to take up a job and work for a year so I could save up enough money to start a non-profit. I start my job from March and since I will be living with my parents I won't have any expenses. I just finished reading "Three Cups of Tea" for my reading book group and found it very inspirational. I guess you have to work on first healing yourself, getting out of the abusive situation and then figure out where your interests lie. Distractions can only help for some time but what you really need to do is figure out how to rebuild your life and create a good future for yourself and your child. You may find inspiration in the church, in a hobby, in activism, etc. but that can only happen once your life is peaceful and happy.
I get my share of nightmares. I am taking Amisulpride (a drug for Schizophrenia) and Tegretol. I used to get blurry vision but now I don't. I have a hot temper and am very irritable and hypersensitive. I am more on the hypomanic side which is good because I hate being depressed. When I was undiagnosed, I used to convulse a lot but medication has taken care of that and the constant edginess. I don't sigh a lot.
Take care,
Sheeba