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Posted 3/4/2009 5:40 AM (GMT 0)

 Ok so... I am a 21 old girl whose is so scard of her future with kids and relationships.

I have two questions

first one being...what are your opinions on bipolar women having children?

I have heard that the children have a high risk of getting the disorder. And if the woman truly wants to have kids she has to get off all of her medications. And if she doesnt the child also has a high risk of having heart and lung problems. So what do yall think?

Should I run the risk of having an innocent child forced to deal with a mental disorder? Should I get off my meds and having who knows happen (possibility of suicide? and extreme ups and downs) AND I WOULD DEFINITLY GET OFF ALL MEDS!

but even if all ended up well I guess the real question is would having a bipolar parent ruin their life?

Ok now the second one :

I HAVE NOT HAD A BF IN YEARS! Its a sad..sad..and embarrasing thing I know. My last boyfriend dumped me after I started gaining weight when I was put on depacote. but finally after a couple of years (still with out a boyfriend) The doctors swithed my meds and took me off of it (THANK GOD!!!) So finally I have lost my weight and am almost back into my old skinny self! yayyyy! My confidence is creeping back up as well.

So anyway thats some good news hehe

and BTW I have lost some friends along the way when they found out about my stupid disorder....ugh

and finally now the question

what do I have to look forward to? will I ever find a man that will love me even with all my faults? one who will be able to deal with it and stick around?

oh yeah I heard marriage is out of the questions since 80 % of them end in divorce.

so I'm done now..sorry its sooo long with sooo many questions...Please comment I need some answers! :D Thanks for reading

Posted 3/4/2009 6:02 PM (GMT 0)
The kids question is a tough one. I think only you can answer that but the question you need to ask is do you have the ability to care for someone totally dependant on you with the same disease? If you're not sure, you may want to consider waiting until you are.

As to relationships/marriage, I say stop worrying and go live. You'll have love and pain just like the rest of us, but you can't shy away from life's adventures.
Posted 3/4/2009 6:05 PM (GMT 0)
Hi KeepingItReal,

Welcome to HealingWell and the Bipolar board. Let me see about answering your questions and hopefully some others will chime in with their answers too.

First of all, you have to live your OWN life, and darn what you read on the internet or what people tell you is SUPPOSED to happen to people with bipolar. If you want children, if you want boyfriends and marriage, then forge ahead and get those things. You can do whatever you want, bp or not. I have those things and you can too. Is it harder, yes. But is it worth it? Absolutely.

According to David Miklowitz, in the Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide (a book I highly recommend, by the way) there is something like an 8% chance that children of a bipolar parent will also be bipolar. The percentage goes up when there are more people in the family with bipolar or other mood disorders. So that means there is a 92% chance the child will be fine. You have to decide for yourself what you're able to live with. I decided to take the chance. And I figured that even if my daughter develops bipolar, she'll be better off than I was, because she'll have someone to talk to who already knows about the disorder and can help take care of her -- Me.

Getting off meds -- Not strictly necessary. Something very personal and you need to talk about with your doc and your OB-GYN. Some meds are absolutely forbidden, others not so much. So it depends. I stayed on my Lamictal and Prozac during my pregnancy and my daughter is fine. Other people get off completely. It's a very individual decision.

Boyfriends -- a tough call. Sounds like your last bf was a jerk if he dumped you because you were putting on weight. There will be someone nice who will come along. You need confidence. You don't need to talk about your bipolar on the first date, but don't hide it for long. Give people credit. They may be more open-minded than you think, even if your last batch of friends wasn't.

Stay on your medications, take care of yourself, do the best you can to stay stable and responsible and you will be able to have all these things. Marriage doesn't have to end in divorce. You can have whatever you want, you just have to work on it. And that's true for anyone -- not just bipolars.

Be well,
serafena
Posted 3/5/2009 12:50 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks guys! I've read your answers and they both make a lot of sense. I've been wanting to get that question of my chest for a long time...and I am so glad that I have found a place where people with similar issues understand what I'm going through. Your comments were very helpful and I am sure I will have other questions in the future and I look forward to discussing them with yall.

thanks again!
Posted 3/5/2009 4:49 PM (GMT 0)
If a guy dumps you because you gain a few, then I think you're better off! But congrats on losing it again, you must feel soooo much better!!! Marriage doesn't have to end in divorce, I think you just really have to be responsible and accountable for your BP and WORK WITH the docs/psych/spouse to realize that they only want what is best for you and trust them. I'm married - 2 years now - it's been rough, I'm not going to lie - but it's my husband that is BP and not me. As of right now, I wouldn't dream of leaving him for anything (except if he cheated). Him being diagnosed with BP has not changed how I feel about him. I won't lie, it's been a really rough road, and I've had to accept that it's going to be a rough road forever! But that's why I come here! To vent and cry and let it all out to people that understand instead of laying it on his shoulders. ((HUGS)) don't worry too much about the future, just take life one step at a time. Take up a hobby or take a course at your local college - maybe you'll meet someone with the same interests as you!
Posted 3/6/2009 12:24 PM (GMT 0)
As a Bipolar parent, the joys of having children have been incredible and the woes nothing less than tragic. Had I known I was Bipolar before I had children, (I found out when they were 2 and 4) and I was educated on this illness and on meds and sober and more mature, I doubt I would have had kids. It is so very hard. This is not going to be a popular opinion but I would consider it
very carefully bc it is very hard on kids and parent. Most BPers have multiple marriages so there's a good chance of divorce with kids. But we are all different and our situations are all different...I would not recommend it. I love my kids but it is very hard and hard on them.
Posted 3/6/2009 7:38 PM (GMT 0)
I think you should have children if you would like to. I have bipolar and I want to have children. I know it is going to be more difficult for me to raise them than it is for others, but that is a hardship I am willing to endure. Also, I don't believe there are any perfect families. My parents are perfectly normal but our family is very dysfunctional. I only hope I can raise my children in a more functional family than the one I grew up in.

I cannot advise you on the boyfriend aspect because I do not have one myself. I am taking it a little slow because I don't want to make a mistake and end up with a disastrous relationship or marriage.
Posted 3/6/2009 11:21 PM (GMT 0)
Wow - not to turn the whole "to have or not to have kids" topic into a major discussion, but hearing it from both sides (one who has them and "regrets" it (what her kids go through)) and one that wants to have them.  That's really a tough call.  I think that it'd have to be your own personal choice. 

To have children - might be a selfish thing as it is not you that has to deal with your ups and downs but your children who get the brunt of it, yet if your bipolar is undercontrol (or at least controlled) having children might make you want to be as stable as you can.  Being stable for them means stability for you as well as your husband.  It's a decision only you can make based on your own feelings for yourself and your future. 

Posted 3/7/2009 5:11 AM (GMT 0)
I'm not BP, but I have read through some of the postings here. If a guy dumps you because you gained a little weight then he wasn't worth your effort. Just wait and see him in about 20-30 years and then see how he looks if he doesn't take care of himself. I thank my lucky stars that I am not in a relationship now for reasons only known to me and my son.

 

Hara

Major Depression/Anxiety disorder

Diabetic

Fibromyalgia

Posted 3/8/2009 4:11 AM (GMT 0)
ALOT of BP have kids, when you are ready discuss it with your doctor BEFORE trying (some medications do cause major birth defects, but they can switch you to somethign that won't). and well that kid might be BP too....or have asthma...or need glasses, no reason not to have them around.

Yea...don't worry about relationships. I met my husband before i got treatment. he loved me then and still loves me now despite the pain, torture, and anythign else you can imagine i've put him through the last 9 years. Problems can be worked out as long as both spouces still want it to. and with any relationship...effort is important theres no bandaid for marriage.
Posted 3/9/2009 1:48 AM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry guys if I'm getting on your nerves with all of my posts...

I just wanted to let you know that I had an episode today. I havent had one in a long time and this one was very very bad...ugh

my meds are working its just all of the stress that has built up.

my mom told me that if i didnt get it together I would have to find another place to live..

that just proves to me that when i slip up in the future and I'm not living at home that I will lose my home maybe even my job. I mean if my own mom says it another person would do it..ya know.

my dad doesnt accept me so what other person will...and if I dont do things right I will lose other relationships

kids are out..big time...can you imagine having an outburst like that in front of them..no way

and it proves that I wont get married. one because I will not ruin another persons life and two who would have me like this. I cant even stand myself.

i'm really ashamed. and really down

it seems like as soon as i dig myself out of the hole it just caves right back in. and i have to start all over again...does anyone else feel that way?

well..I guess tomorrow is a new day..wish me luck
Posted 3/9/2009 3:03 AM (GMT 0)
First off honey, breath.

Focus on one problem at at time. Forget (right now) about stressing yourself over kids and a husband...you're 21. Be 21.

Take your meds and perscribed, if you are still having episodes talk to your doctor about changing the dose or the meds all together. Be paitent with them, there is no quick fix. Alot of BP stop taking thier meds due to it not working rigtht away and they just get worse.

It sounds as if you are not getting much help at home, and I'm sorry for that. Seek out another route. Other family members or friends, even talk to your doctors or church or even a community crisis center about assistance (you'd be surprised the amount of qualtiy help you can find if you look for it). There also might be a support group you could go to and talk to people and even find more sources of help. Heck i found help in the strangest of places. I was arrested at the beginning of the year, one of the women in my holding cell was chatting with another cellmate about her treatment at a county run mental hospital not far from there...I talked to her about it and got the info from her.

You should also do some reflecting. Keep a journal of your moods, after a while you will be able to recognize when you start behaving irratic and with practice, time and patience be able to handle yourself better. You may still always be moody, but you'll learn to step back and relax for a moment and hopefuly divert yourself from flying off the handle. And practice general anti-stress things...like meditation, yoga, take time out for yourself to relax each day, even just 10 minutes makes a HUGE diffrence.
Posted 3/9/2009 3:23 AM (GMT 0)
And well....I think you need this

:::::BIG GIANT HUG::::::::

Hang in there sweetie, everything will work out. I am bipolar type 2, which is marked by major depression I know where you're comming from. If you need, email me ok?

Posted 3/10/2009 3:18 AM (GMT 0)
Keepingitreal,

First thing -- NO APOLOGIES! You don't need to apologize to us for posting here -- that's what the board's for. If people don't want to read it, they won't. Most likely though, they will.

Second, mood swings are a part of the game, so you're just going through the same things we all have and we can relate. I'm sorry for you. You're still living at home with your parents too which can be really stressful, especially given the unpleasant relationship you have with your father. You've got some self-esteem problems to work on. I really recommend you seek out a counselor. There is usually a clinic nearby each town that offers therapy or counseling on a sliding scale. If you're not already seeing someone, I highly recommend it.

serafena
Posted 3/11/2009 9:04 AM (GMT 0)
I know how you feel being ashamed about being bipolar. I have been hospitalized lately for mania and when I told a nurse that I felt ashamed and embarrased about being bipolar she yelled at me--"If it was heart disease or cancer , would you feel this way? It is the same thing. It is just another illness. " WOW she really got mad at me and was frustrated that i felt this way but I just couldn't help it. I have changed this feeling in a short time but i hope you don't wait till our 53 to change your thoughts . If I had done this earlier maybe I would have gone to AA sooner and gotten even more sober and clear headed about this illness. The only trouble I have now is that they do not say you are heart disease or you are high blood pressure like they say you are bipolar I don't know y they cannot say you have bipolar It is You ARE bipolar so I am confused cause I am a 53 yr old married mom of 3 sons that I glad I had. They know about my illness and now that they are older they understand y I was so weird when they were growing up. I feel bad abut the illnes s and their confusion but the chronic pain is what really threw them for a loop and all the medications I was on for that is what put me to my bed. Between chronic pain and bipolar and depression , or sad. my husband has been a rock and very loyal, being both mom and dad to our 3 sons. If you find the right man you can and you will have a nice family life you want don't give up yet.
Sincerely,
knitwit
(i like to knit and I used to be witty)
Posted 3/11/2009 9:39 AM (GMT 0)
To answer your first question: I have 2 children with a BP spouse (I'm BP as well), so my children are more likely to get BP... Both of our children were born before our diagnosis - so it was not a factor at the time. Knowing what we know we still would have had children... our take is it is better to exist with difficulty than not to at all. Having an episode in front of children will happen, but you can explain it if it is severe enough... even "normal" people do insane things and have to explain them at a later time.

2nd: Many people end having difficulty with marriage either side of the board. Just enjoy life as much as possible and if you wish to be married, then do it... just remember it is nothing like "happily ever after".

3rd: Always revisit problems from your bad times when you feel better. I've found that it helps put things in perspective and allows you to be able to make any amends that may be necessary.

Hope things are going better.
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