Please help me

I am new to this site and thank god for it....I just need some help and attention.  As far back as I can remember, even into early childhood I have suffered from what I thought was depression, on and off.  Now I am 30 years old and have come to the conclusion on my own that it must be bi-polar disorder.  My husband is active duty Army...because of the military treatment facility practices I NEVER get to see the same doctor twice and it is impossible to get a referral. They always want textbook patients and to medicate and send me on my way.  I have been on celexa for 3 years now but have ups and downs.  I now attribute these ups and downs to bi-polar disorder.  I do not have the excessive mania that I have read about, but when I feel good I do go shopping, out to eat and love to decorate my house as well as paint the rooms in it and talk and visit with friends.  I will have the most outgoing personality EVER even tho inside I feel exhausted from being someone that I really am not.  At this point I do not know who I am anymore. I am completely exhausted and drained... We bought a brand new construction house and I loved it when we first moved in....now I feel like I hate it and want to run as far away from it as I can possibly get. I have done this before...I will feel as happy as I can be and then suddenly this dark cloud moves in, I get really depressed and I want to get away from the current situation hoping that when I do, things will be better.  I have done that several times and it is just a viscious cycle. I have 2 children whom I love more than anything, but I just can't stand to be with them sometimes.  I would die if anything were to ever happen to them, but that is just how I feel.  I withdrawal from them and just wish I could be alone.  My husband is gone continuously with the Army and I am with my 3 year old 24/7 same with my 9 year old except she is in school.  I would LOVE to go to bed as soon as she gets home and leave the 3 year old on her plate, but as a mother obviously I cannot do that.  I just want to be an awesome Mom that wants to hang with her kids and do fun stuff.  The amount of guilt I feel over not wanting to spend time with my children is unbearable.  I try and sleep as much as I can during the day because I am SO sad I cannot function and just so unhappy that I can't even begin to explain.  I hate going outside, I hate cooking, I basically hate anything that involves me getting out of bed.  I MAKE myself stay involved with my girls and carry on conversations but really I just don't care :(  I try and hide these feelings so that no one else picks up on them, but when my 3 year old is begging to play and I make her sit on my bed and watch a movie so that I can sleep.....I know she is somehow being affected.  I seem to have WAY more lows that last longer than the times I feel good and want to wake up and do things.  I can cry at the drop of a hat and have also started having panic attacks and social anxiety.  I will put off a trip to wal mart for days just because of the anxiety I have.  I joined the YMCA and am paying $80 a month.....but I get so worked up and upset about going that I can't even get myself to go!!!! Not to mention how exhausted I get just getting up and getting myself ready to go there.  My arms feel like they weigh about 100 pounds each and I love a clean house, but at this point I just don't care.  Does this sound like bipolar or does anyone else think this sounds like another condition.  I know I am 100% depressed but I reallly don't think that is where it stops.....at night I have ridiculous nitemares and sometimes will have so much anxiety that I can't go to sleep.  Other times, I go to bed a 3 am and can get up at 8 and function all day long but there is always FATIGUE.  The past couple of nights the only way I can calm myself is to know that there is a way out.  I have never planned nor attempted suicide, but just the thought of finally getting peaceful rest and all of this crazy suffering could be over helps me to start to relax.  I have NO INTENTION of harming myself as I would never want to put my babies and husband thru that kind of pain and suffering, but sometimes that is the only way I can feel a teeny ounce of relief.  Does anyone else do that?  My ears ring NON STOP and it is worse if I try to take herbs or vitamins. I do not work, but when I did I would have days where I could talk to my clients and feel energetic and there were other days I never took a phone call.  I would just shut my office door and piddle.  All I want is to be able to function and be the same person each and everyday.  To wake up and be excited to get out of bed and do things with my girls.  I am in the process of seeing a behavioral health professional, but I have to get thru the red tape first.  I just want some advice from anyone on here...please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dyingonthenside,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board.

You definitely need to see a psychiatrist. Have you seen a psychiatrist with the army or is that what they won't give you a referral for? You obviously have more complicated issues than just straight depression (which is terrible enough) -- the anxiety and panic attacks would complicate depression, but you're having suicidal thoughts (yes, I understand you wouldn't act on them, but they get worse with time, so it's important to nip them in the bud.) You need a different medication -- your current one is not working.

So, get a little pushy with the doctors. Go to see one, tell him or her all these things -- including the suicidal thoughts and ask outright for a referral to a psych (don't mention bipolar question.) If he/she won't give you one, ask their reasons and try again with a different doctor.

I'm so sorry you're suffering. Good luck.

serafena

I have not seen a psych because they tell me it is just depression and keep me on celexa. I have even asked for them to test my hormones to see if they are out of whack etc. etc. but like I said...they like a textbook patient and tend to treat everyone as one even if we are not. We have just moved to a new post and I have opted to be seen off post by civilian docs, so hopefully this will now get the attention it has long deserved. I have had uncontrollable crying spells here lately and called my new doc today to see if there was anything she could do or to just go ahead and give me the referral to the psych doc. Unfortunately no one will touch me until Tricare has officially processed my papers for this region. I guess money is more important to most people than someone who is alone in a new town and is truly suffering.

My husband is very understanding most of the time, but I get so snappy with him that he has no choice but to get upset with me. I have no support system whatsoever other than him, and I really don't like to burden him with my problems while he is trying to fly a helicopter and the nature of his job!! I tried once to tell my parents and they said anything mental can be overcome and it is all in my head and up to me to fix it. I WISH it was that easy. I am just SO glad I have somewhere to let all of my feelings out without being judged as a crazy lunatic.

Thank you wishdreamhope.....tho this may not come as a surprise everytime I read a post I cry my eyes out. It feels so good to actually feel like someone cares but mostly understands.
Your little boy....that breaks my heart for you because it is HORRIBLE and unfair to our kids and it so SO not their fault. I want to be that happy mom that I see anxiously taking their kids to the park...not the Mom who would rather lay in bed and sulk and not be around my kids!! They are the greatest blessing god has ever given me and I feel like I have been watching them grow up in a fog. How are your meds working for you? Do you see a difference in yourself? I surely hope you do, not only for your sake but for your precious baby too. Thank you again for your response you do not know how much this all means to me.....really!

Your very welcome, sometimes I feel so alone when it comes to being a mother that I just want to reach out to those that feel the same as I do. Because feeling alone in it all makes you feel like your a horrible person. I am a stay at home mom, I've been home for the last 3yrs. And it's really taken a toll on me. I feel like I've been so isolated that I am actually scared of the real world. I feel like I don't know how to cope doing other things outside of how I've been living the past 3yrs. My meds have helped some, I notice that me and my son have a better relationship when I'm feeling better. The strattera helps alot with my ups and with the racing mind I had, it's a relief. And I do feel a lot different then I was but I'm actually going back to the Dr next week because I need a adjustment in my meds. I've been stuggling lately and feel that they are not working more so for my depression, so I'm still on the road to getting better. I'm also trying to find a good psychiatrist because I want to deal with all of my issues and not just take meds. I don't stuggle with just parenthood, I stuggle just as a person, feeling so broken and lost. Feeling like I'm a failure having no self confidence or self esteem and feeling all the hurt and pain from all of the constant emotions I feel.

Things will get better, I have plans to go back to school to be a transcriptionist. And I've met a potential friend that lives in my neighborhood, we get together once a week for a playdate. My son also goes to daycare twice a week because I feel that he needs it, to learn, interact with other kids and be in a different environment. It's no fun for him being home with me. Plus I get a break. I just can't look around the corner right now and see the good until I start feeling a little better with a tweak in my meds. There is hope for all of us, we just have to keep trying and the good thing is, you want to change, you want to feel better and feel different then how your feeling, thats a great step. I hope this time around it will be different for you, I had a bad experience with getting help a while back and it took me a year and a half to do it again. And I'm finally on my way for a different outcome. We just have to take one day at a time and try to live in the moment! Anyway sorry if I talked about myself lol but we are all here for you and I'm glad that we have put you at ease a bit!