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Posted 4/5/2009 7:54 PM (GMT 0)
confused  i have been with the same woman for 18 yrs she was diagnosed with bp 5 yrs ago i love this woman very very much but those mood swings wow  shes taking care of her parents and bro. for months at atime,when we talk on the phone i never know what mood shes in i feel like imfighting a  losing battle ifeel we are drifting farther a part every day but i call and suport her every day  i try to convey my love but dont get any back my love cup is running very low  please some one help i ask god he on hold.
Posted 4/5/2009 8:00 PM (GMT 0)
Hi bodyman,

Welcome to healingwell and the bipolar board. It's super hard to be with a bipolar spouse, and certainly there are many members of this board who can relate to your situation. Are you separated? It's good that you support her. But you're right, very often, bipolars will have very little resources left to love their partners sufficiently -- whether because of their own emotional exhaustion or because of the meds or what have you. I imagine taking care of her family is exhausting as well. Is there any way to take some of the burden off of her? Some other way to meet the parents and brothers' needs without relying exclusively on your wife. Stress is a major trigger for bipolar symptoms.

serafena
Posted 4/5/2009 8:23 PM (GMT 0)
hey serafena bodyman here she has no ops. for care help im 700 miles away her other bro. is 45min. away but works and has little time im the only income we have (20 yrs. same job)i am so depressed i cant take much more i do not show this to her im was her knight in shining armor when we met and still trying to up hold im a taruis so im tough just need some help
Posted 4/5/2009 8:28 PM (GMT 0)
p.s. we are not separated except by miles
Posted 4/6/2009 8:41 PM (GMT 0)
Funny since I am going through this right now too. My wife is not "away" but she might as well be. These past few weeks have just been a rollercoaster. I can see her mania's coming, but have no idea how to approach that she might need an extra Geodone to make it through the day. (Instructions from her PD to me).

We have a plan in place, signs in place and even quiet time (1 on 1) where we talk, but I can tell you there are more days where I want to walk away than stay some weeks.

It so hard some days...We have 3 kids all under the age of 11 which doesnt make the stress levels any easier. I get so tired some days of telling them, moms having a bad day, mom doesnt feel good today, mom can't today, etc...etc...etc....

I dont mind carrying the load, but when I get nothing in return(a thank you, affection, hug, etc...), its hard not to feel used. :(

Plus the inconsistency in our house is the new "issue". I say black, mom says white. Kids play us against each other. We just got over this hump about 6 months ago and now its back again. Good cop (mom) bad cop (dad) is where it is now and its tearing me up. to her its more like, "Well, I've been out of it for a while now. I can't be mean to them when they cry that you put them in timeout..."

ugh....back to the uphill battle.

signed...*exhausted*
Posted 4/7/2009 1:35 AM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry tufflove. The only suggestion I can offer is couples' therapy. Have you tried it yet?

serafena
Posted 4/7/2009 12:45 PM (GMT 0)
We have been going to couples therapy for about 3 years now. Lately its been hard to go with spring break, economy(lay offs at work = more hours) and just time....

She was diagnosed with BP about a year ago, but the previous 9 were just a rollercoaster of her self medicating with alcohol and partying with "friends" while I stayed home and raised the kids. I guess I am just so worn out I dont know some days if I want to even try... Maybe I just need to vent here.

I just feel betrayed and have a really hard time trusting what comes out of her mouth. Its been filled with lies before, so that along with just wanting to walk out makes it very hard to balance everything else.
Posted 4/8/2009 3:17 PM (GMT 0)
TL, you are hardly alone, many of us spouses know EXACTLY where you are on this stuff. It is a hard and lonely life for sure. Just remember, whatever choice you make, stay or go, is YOUR RIGHT to make. There is NO right or wrong answer here. Focus on the kids and what is best for them, what is best for you, and do that. Whatever it is, we spouses count too, our feelings – our needs - our wants - our goals. They all count as much as our BP spouses do, and if we don’t take care of ourselves…who will. We always have to remind ourselves to take as good care of ourselves as we try to take of our BP spouses. STOP putting yourself last and then reevaluate what you want. Then do that...whatever it is. You are the only one who knows best in your situation. I know that all of us on the boards are here to support whichever choices you make - without guilt. Good luck. LFW
Posted 4/9/2009 11:17 PM (GMT 0)
I'm the husband of a bipolar wife and I love her dearly, but it's hard to tell if she still loves me because she doesn't even know.

She's been lately doing things that I would never put up with from a woman who wasn't suffering mental illness.  More than those is the things that she's said and continues to say.

I'm at a loss because a lot of it has a grain of truth and sometimes she seems totally even keeled when she says things that make me want to leave her.

I guess what I'm getting at, I know bipolar victims say things they don't mean, but at what point do you have to start suspecting that they do mean it?

The thought of leaving her and several years down the road she gets her meds evened out and she tries to come back but I've moved on...

Has anyone found a good way to "factcheck" their significant other?  Do you get more honesty out of a manic cycle or a depression cycle, or...?

I read about people who've lived with BP spouses for many years, and they are all tales of long-suffering sacrifice.  Is it wrong for me to be selfish?

Also how do any of you manage not to "use" their BP in arguments?  I've noticed that the quickest way to make an argument spiral out of control is to suggest that they are going through a cycle.  Not just that but when they point out your flaws, how do you resist not acting like an ass and throwing it in their face; or acting like a long-suffering martyr?

We went to a pdoc and the hapless fool congratulated me in front of her for putting up with her... Yeah, make her feel good about herself Doc!

Please, I could use tips.  Patience is not enough anymore, I need real tools and real help.

Thank you and God Bless you all,

Chris

Posted 4/10/2009 6:18 AM (GMT 0)
Chrisinsea, I have been married to a BP for 17 years, and yes, there are tools, but I'm STILL learning them. My best suggestion quickly would be to have you go to a support group for spouses, or BP couples. See a therapist for yourself who is a specialist in BP. Things like that. Being here will also allow you a lot of information as some of the BP's here are very open, and quite frankly, some of the best feedback and educators around for me. Thier gift of openess is just that...a gift.

If you read my post prior to yours, then you will have seen that - NO it is not selfish to also think of yourself in the equation. You and your feelings count to, and staying or going is CERTAINLY your right...without guilt. You deserve the life you want too. I would have much to share with you, however am pressed for time. So, just remember, the calmer you stay in the face of her verbal attacks, the more in control of the situation you are. Just like you wife is responsible for her behavior, BP or not, remember....so too are YOU. Whether it is or isn't okay with you that you turn into an ass....recognize, whatever you do is your CHOICE and YOU are responsible for that choice. You can just as easily choose a different reaction as well if you want. Just because she bates the hook, does not mean you need to BITE. Good luck to you. LFW
Posted 4/12/2009 8:35 PM (GMT 0)
Hi ChrisinSea,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board.

There are many others just like you on our board trying to figure out the same questions, so I think you're in the right place.

You've got good instincts -- you know for instance that using BP against us in a fight is the quickest way to spin the fight right down the tubes (even if it is true), and that the doc was a schmo for saying that in front of your wife. But there are other ways to deal with the same problems. You ARE to be commended for putting up with a wife who says hurtful and untrue things to you on a regular basis, because of her disorder. Any other man would have cleaned out his locker by now.

Does she see a psych? Therapist? How about you? What kind of support do you have, because you clearly need some? I have an awesome husband too, but he's had to see a therapist at times. :-)

Keep arguments short and try not to engage her if possible -- remember you're not really arguing with her logical self anyway, you're arguing with her disorder, so what's the point? Definitely don't write off all her emotions as bp -- try and take her needs seriously, she'll appreciate that. When she says something hurtful, try and see the why, and that might make you feel a little better. For instance, if she claims she's sleeping with someone else (and you don't think she actually is) try to remember she's feeling lonely and isolated by her disorder, ugly and disconnected. It's not fair she's taking it out on you, but maybe knowing that she's really suffering will help you endure.

Hope this is helpful,
serafena
Posted 4/13/2009 5:14 PM (GMT 0)
I just wanted to give a quick reply and thank you all for your suggestions and help. I'm taking all that you both have said to heart and will try to continue to make things work.
Thanks, and I'll give a better reply soon.
Chris
Posted 4/14/2009 12:38 AM (GMT 0)
Christinsea

I fully understand what you are going through, my wife refuse to admit BP, she has been involved with a man 17 years younger ,refuses to get involved in family activities, filed for a divorce, has blocked things coming into house, blames me for everything this has been going on for 4 years. Doctors say she is the only one that can ask for help
Posted 4/15/2009 5:38 PM (GMT 0)
thanks keepinghope,
How has she reacted when you point out the self-destructive thread in her actions? My wife's case is relatively mild so she recognizes it when it's pointed out, but she can't stop how she feels too. She at least admits the disease is there.
I have to admit that a lot of what keeps us together is her other health problems. I often wonder if she'd stay with me if she was healthy and financially secure. She deeply appreciates my taking care of her (and yes, she takes care of me at times as well; it's not one-sided) yet when things seem to be going well is when we are at our worst.
What's keeping your marriage alive Keepinghope?
Posted 4/16/2009 11:18 PM (GMT 0)
We sleep at opposite ends of the house, her illness as I seem to be able to read when she is bad, if she needes something she calls me at work, I do 95% of the laundry. all the vacuuming & scrubbing floors but I always have, cook 70% of the meals. Everything has to stay hidden from the kids until things are finalized, she asks for prayer at church but thats where it stops. I have given her 2 years to strighten out but I'm told her head is to far up someones fanny to see the light , maybe when the judge tells her to find somewhere to live and the kids reject her she will grow up, she spends all her money on herself and new clothes, everything is my fault always I could do nothing proper in her eyes. SELFISH is the only word describing the last 4 years to the point kids get upset, legal system will answer in the next couple months

Post Edited (keepinghope) : 4/16/2009 5:23:49 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/18/2009 6:23 PM (GMT 0)

First off Keepinghope, when you said she filed for divorce I had the mistaken impression that it was just a mood swing and she retracted it.  After your clarification my reply sounds rude and I didn't intend it that way.

After reading your last reply it does sound like at least a separation would do you both some good.  However, you talk about her "growing up" and realizing her mistake.  The question that brings up is does she ever have moments where she apologizes for the way she acts and tries to fix things?  Because if the answer is no, maybe she really is just selfish and being BP has nothing to do with it.

Sometimes the only thing that keeps my marriage working is when my wife's mood swings level out and she makes it clear that she didn't mean what she said and that she's sorry for what happened.  Even then, when she's on a bad manic cycle, I start to believe that she means what she says even though I know better.  Lord knows that if she didn't "come back" I would have come to believe she felt that way and left years ago.

If I were you, and I'm not and I'm not an expert so this opinion is worth the electrons that print it, I'd just focus on the kids for now.  Don't disrespect your wife in front of them, but you don't have to hide the truth.  Make sure they know they are loved by both of you and look out for them during the divorce.

After all is done, look to yourself.  As a friend of mine has said, the best way to get back at an ex is to succeed.

Posted 4/18/2009 6:54 PM (GMT 0)
ChrisinSea

She never appologizes for anything what she does is says dont spend your money I give you money, but if that happens I have nothing to file to the courts and it looks like I'm cuttin her off. Her family still invites me to all functions the same as my family does to her. We still go in the same car,sometimes shop together, I still maintain her car, do depairs on her families vehicles and odd jobs. The kids catch on there is something funny with mom but I am not aloud to say anything to the kids because of the courts. Her lawyer filled her full of BULL that has been alot of the problem?
The truth is going to come out in the next week when she finds out no house trailer boat or big bucks from my pension are coming her way
Posted 4/18/2009 9:36 PM (GMT 0)
Well good for you for standing up for yourself, and for maintaining things. As for the courts, it always depends on what state you are in of course.
I have a question, has she officially diagnosed with BP; or was that the opinion of non-psychologist professional?
She does seem to be showing a lot of the behavioral problems, but you mentioned that she's never admitted to it.
Like I said before, you don't have to have BP to ruin a formerly functioning marriage.
Posted 4/19/2009 10:24 AM (GMT 0)
A councilor detected it when she was advised to see a professional she stopped councilling
Posted 4/22/2009 3:54 PM (GMT 0)
Just wanted to give everyone an update. My wife has started to take her meds again and is really working on her health despite a lot of stress factors going on right now.
Thanks!
Posted 4/22/2009 4:42 PM (GMT 0)
I am glad to hear that. I hope she is able to see the great importance of continuing to take care of herself...no matter how stressful it gets.
Posted 4/22/2009 5:56 PM (GMT 0)
Good news ChrisinSea! Thanks for the update.

serafena
Posted 4/23/2009 4:57 PM (GMT 0)
Hi bodyman, ChrisinSea, Tuff love & keepinghope.  I just read the entire thread on what you are all going through with your wives and I can relate to everything you all feel.  I would like to commend all of you for sticking by your spouses and giving them the support they need in dealing with this illness.  I know how hard that it.

 

I have been married to my husband for 10 years and the last two years have been a nightmare.  He had an angry manic episode last weekend and I confronted him instead of walking away from him as he spewed ugly words at me. 

 

I am just feeling like giving up on him.  I don't deserve this.  NO ONE does.  I didn't ask for this.  He NEVER EVER apologizes for the things he says to me during an episode and when I do point it out, he won't talk to me.  He gives me the cold shoulder, making me feel like I never should have even brought it up to begin with.  I am realizing just how selfish he is.

 

If he would just own the words and actions he displays during an episode after it happens, it would make it so I'd WANT to feel like continuing to support him, but he doesn't and I don't.  Do I just give up?  Do I REALLY want to put our three small children through a divorce?  Do I really want them to continue living with a crazy dad?  I'm just so bitter.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. 

Posted 4/23/2009 5:13 PM (GMT 0)
ChrisinSea - what great news! For your sake, your marriage and your wife's health I truly hope she continues to work on getting better. Support her and let her know that you will not only stand behind her but next to her through this very tough journey.

Unfortunately my BP husband is also in the middle of another manic episode since he refuses to take his meds and take responsibility for his condition. He was a little stable last night over the phone (I told him not to come home Sunday night so he's at his mother's) and I was able to tell him that. For the hour he was clear it got through to him and he really appreciated it. But, he went manic two hours later so we are probably going to have to involuntarily hospitalize him again today.

Whyus - I totally understand where you are coming from. My husband won't own up to the words he says to me when he's manic either. I don't know if I would call it selfish though. Part of me thinks he's so ashamed of what he said to someone he loves so much that he doesn't want to think about how much he has hurt me. It seems that like me, you love your husband but are so frustrated that he won't take care of himself. His last episode I was also very bitter. Now I am devastated that he's willing to throw away our marriage and life together because he won't to take two lithium pills twice a day and see a pdoc regularly. Keep writing and venting here - it helps me immensely!

BP Wife
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