ashamed

I have been trying to understand and cope with this bipolar stuff, I have thought back on many things I have done and now understand why so many times I made really bad decisions. My problem now is I am very ashamed of what I have and do not want anyone to know, my wife thinks I am doing much better, I was in a very bad depression for 8 months now I am manic, the pdoc wanted me to go on zyprexa but I will not take because of the weight gain and the tremors, I already have bad hand tremors with lithium. I am afraid to even tell my wife about things going on right now, getting up at 2:30am after going to bed at 11, hearing things, etc. Everyone sees me as not depressed so they think nothing is going on....any thought would be good.
just so ashamed of the whole mental illness stigma

I understand what you are going through. I lost a lot of friends when I was first diagnosed with bp. I went to them for support and they didn't understand at all. I mean these were friends that I had for years. I was so hurt and was already dealing with my illness and felt so very alone. Unfortunately, we are stigmatized and seen as different. I now do not tell people about my illness (except for my parents and my husband who is very supportive of me). You need support right now and your wife is a good source for that. You cannot do this alone. You need to talk to her and keep her in the loop of what you are going through. I know that it is hard to trust people with this but you must.

Do not feel ashamed of yourself and your illness. People react the way they do because they are afraid of what they do not understand. Simple as that. There is no need for you to feel ashamed. You have an illness just like diabetes or cancer. It is an illness. You did the things you did due to it and I am glad that you understand that. And like I said, do not feel ashamed that we are stigmatized. It is other peoples fault that they stigmatize us because they do not understand us and are afraid of our illness and what they do not understand or want to understand.

Lithium was bad for me too. It gave me tremors and I was sick to my stomach and could not eat. Tell your pdoc about the side effects of it. Get off of it if you have to. There are so many meds out there that you can try. I now take Tegretol, Seroquel (which helps me sleep) and Neurontan. This combination has worked for me for years. Yes, it needs adjusted sometimes because my body gets use to it but it does work for me. You just need to hang in there and keep trying different meds until you find the right ones.

Don't give up. Don't be ashamed of yourself or feel guilty for what you did in the past. You were sick then. Keep your chin and talk to your wife about what is going on. She loves you and sounds like she wants to help or she wouldn't stay with you (trust me I know, I had a husband leave me when I was diagnosed). We are always here for you too. Talk to us anytime.

Hugs,
Missflip

thanks for all the support, I did try talking to my wife a little today and we will see how that goes, I just don't want her to be mad, or worry about me.
All the meds changes are so hard to deal with, pdoc tried me on depakote and I felt like I was drunk all day long, falling down all over the place. So I stopped taking it after about a week. I just wish people would understand more...I am not crazy!

Thomas2,
I want to reiterate what Whyus said. I too am the wife of a man with BP and all I want is him to talk to me about the condition. I want to help him by being supportive and caring and understanding. I'm sure your wife wishes the same for you. There is absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed about. But tell your wife that you do feel this way and hopefully she'll give you the support you need to get through this. She may even be willing to go to your pdoc with you and you may be surprised how much she actually sees. I tried to tell my husband that I not only am I behind him but I'm also next to him 100% in this situation. Unfortunately he is in complete denial and I can't do anything until he's ready to make a commitment to manage and take control of his treatment.

Good luck & we are here for you!

BPWife

Hi Martyn48,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. It's good to have you. I hope you're doing a bit better now. Even if you're not, we're a very supportive community. Feel free to start a new thread and tell us a little bit more about yourself.

serafena

Thanks for all the good thoughts, I have been trying to "let her in" it's been kind of hard because I am in a hypomanic state right now and going 100 MPH all the time, only sleeping bout 1 1/2 -2 hours a night. Pdoc just gave me some seroquel as the zprexa was making me very dizzy. I have been tryng to stay away from everyone in our house right now because my attitude is really bad and I don't want to yell at any one.

Thomas:

Part of the Bipolar illness is that from a mania you move to a depression cycle and the first think you feel guilty about is how you misbehaved and were not that "perfect" person that you once envisioned yourself to be.  Guilt is part of the illness - if you don't have guilt, I don't think you are truly bipolar.  The problem is that we waste so much time on past blunders and mania mistakes that we forget we can forgive ourselves and actually admit that we are human too!

I know because I continually plunge into even deeper depression when I pick up that guilt trip that abases me even further.  My brother once said that guilt is a useless emotion.  It's true.  So what, we made some huge blunders - but I don't think that bipolar people normally use their illness as an excuse, however, sometimes, we should admit to ourselves that we have a mental disorder and should administer some slack in our self judgment.

I have asked for forgiveness for bipolar blips and sometimes I have been forgiven (and forgotten), and other times people do not want to even speak to me (even relatives).  I forgive them and when you get right down to it, that's all that's important along with forgiving ourselves.

Happy trails,

M. Warbucks