nurse practioner says only give positive comments

My husband saw the nurse practioner today - for those of you who didn't see my earlier post on walking on eggshells, he was diagnosed with BP several months ago, and about two weeks ago went into the first serious depression he's had since starting the meds.  She added Abilify to what he already takes (lithium) and said she wanted to see him once a week again to help him manage this depression.  But she also told me that I should not say anything to him that is critical or could be heard as critical while he's depressed - even if he's being hostile to my kids.  She said, as long it's not life threatening, just let it go.  She said that the kids will grow up and have their own issues no matter what I do or don't do, and it's more important to support my husband by refraining from commenting, even if he's being a jerk, than to intervene on the kids' behalf.  My immediate reaction is that, if that is what it takes for him, then I guess we need to get a divorce.  I am not really happy with the idea that I can't say anything on my own behalf if he's rude or inconsiderate, but that I need to let him treat my kids badly is just inconceivable to me.  And that I also have to try to find positive things to say about him and his parenting, even if he is being a jerk, is just not something I feel I can do.

I understand that he's not well, and that he probably doesn't have much self-insight when he's depressed and that his ego is fragile and all that.  But it just is not right to be rude and hostile, especially to kids.

I don't know what I am going to do.  I hope the Abilify and increased therapy help, but I just feel like the role I'm being told to play is not one I can play.

I don't necessarily agree with the NP either, imacat2. I do think you need to sit down with your kids and explain that dad isn't himself, he's ill, and they shouldn't take offense if he's mean sometimes. The kids will come to understand that dad isn't dependable, and that's sad. If it's something small, let it go. But if he's really losing it, you may have to say something. It's unreasonable to expect that he can go through life without any unpleasantness. Do your best to try and be supportive and uncritical, but if you have to jump in, you have to.

serafena

Hi imacat2

I wanted to chime in that I too am in this same postion with my BPII H as he frequently unduly lashes out at the children. We've been married for 23 years and have had children for the last 12 years and while I used to let the behavior go (I wanted to create a unified parental front) I realized that this is simply not possible when 1 partner is irrational. You are your childrens only true advocate and giving them stability is not only the best thing to do, it is (in my opinion) your obligation.

I realized the mistakes I made by not standing up for them during fits of rage when my middle son stated that "all daddy's behave this way" and began having rages himself (at age 9). Speaking openly and honestly (without degrading your husband) can be an enriching learning experience for the children as they are fostering habits and ideas that they will carry for a lifetime. My daughter, the other day said "Mom, I dumped X at school because he's really negative and says bad things. And you know what mom? I'm not going to make the same mistake you made". While this felt like a blow to the solar plexus I am very happy that she's learning this is not the proper way a relationship should function. Had I idly stood by and let his behavior go without further discussions with the kids, she may not recognize this.

I'm still with H but even last night as he was screaming at my son for not cleaning the kitchen to his standards (he's 10). I wished feverantly that I would have left long ago. Good luck to you as this is a big descision but at the very least you need to get a different Doc/N.P.

Thanks for all of your advice and support.  I, too, just can't see how it makes sense to let him be rude or inappropriately negative to the kids without at least commenting that his behavior is probably influenced by his mood fluctuations.  My kids are older (13 and 18) and so we've been able to talk openly and in depth about BP, just as we did about alcoholism when that became an issue.  I can really empathize with wanting to present a unified parental front, but sometimes it just isn't possible.  I appreciate the input from everyone, letting me know that I'm not alone in thinking this.

Interestingly, since my husband started on Abilify last Thurs., he has gone into a hypomanic state.  He's a lot easier to deal with when he's that way than when he's depressed - he's pleasant to be around, and he's not rude or critical - but he's also very scattered and has trouble focusing on anything, whether it's finishing a sentence or cooking dinner (which he likes to do, and he is a trained chef, but he's prone to burning things and letting pots boil over when he's manic).  Fortunately, he has another appointment with the np on Thurs., so maybe she will be able to work on his meds some more.

imacat2,
I would have to agree with the other members on this board. Ask the NP to refer your husband to a psychiatrist...you may see some progress there. NP are limited in their skills and specialties..just like you wouldn't go to a dentist to have your appendix out. Perhaps counselling with a combo of the meds? My spouse is on Lithium (awesome!) and Zyprexa which seems to be the best for him right now. He's more tolerant of the kids but when he's in his negative moods he will scream at them to shut up and physically slam things around. I do think you should protect your children and talk to them (as i have to my 5 yr old) Dad doesnt feel well sometimes and he needs time alone etc. I found with my spouse that i cannot raise my voice when he's upset (or things will get worse) SOmetimes just my physical presence or me holding his hand to show that i love my spouse works. I do point out that he doesnt need to say things to the kids in that tone.
If they have a mental health clinic at the hospital they might have a psychiatric nurse on call 24/7 if you ever need help. I know how hard it is....It's a huge battle