My wife suffers from Bipolar disorder, although she has not been completely diagnosed.
I first met her when she was in High School, some 37 years ago. We dated for nearly three years, but after I graduated from the Police Academy, I made a very foolish mistake. I broke up with her.
She took that hard, and perhaps some of what is going on with her now was present then.
After our seperation, she dated several "boys", and gained a rather sordid reputation. She married at age 18, although she and her husband to be, discussed days before the wedding that neither wanted to go through with it. But she did, as her family had arranged a fairly ellaborate wedding. It lasted all of about 6 months then seperation.
Her new husband was a college student, the first few months they lived together, but he had no income. She went and took a job as a topless dancer, for a while, making enough money to pay their bills. Her husband, just a kid, would take her to clubs, to "compete" on amature night. According to her, he basically let her starve, was abusive, and cheated any chance he could.
She came from a dysfunctional family, her father was retired military, but had difficulty in finding adequate employment due to age, and "overqualification". He drank heavily, was abusive, and attempted to molest her several times in her young life. She also claims to have been molested to some extent by her older brother, and an uncle.
Now, thinking back, some of what I observed when she was a teen, were previews of things to come. She lost her virginity to me then, and required a lot of attention and affection. She would work part time, but always was near broke, despite having no bills to pay.
We both married others, and didn't see each other for several years.
She entered law enforcement as a part time officer while she was seperated from her first husband. She met another officer, who was married with small children. She and "W" began an affair that did not go well for their career, his wife found out, a local citizen caught them together one night while he was on duty (they didn't know at the time) and she was terminated. She wasn't on duty, but she caught the rath.
Her BF, was thrown out, his wife filed for divorce, but the two of them continued to see each other. One night, I just happened to meet up with her by chance. That began a relationship for about 2 months that ended when the BF demanded her to stop seeing me.
They later married, and moved away. They built a fairly lucrative business, allowing them to purchase a 7000sf mansion in Indiana, a half million dollar motor coach, and all the toys they wanted. She had two children some 10 years apart, the first, a son was the "heir apparent" as far as her husband was concerned. The second, a daughter was basically left out, as her husband wasn't interested in a daughter (he had two from the first marriage, and never had any contact with them) His business caused him to travel extensively, being gone for 6 days a week. According to her, he would come home, do paperwork/billing, laundry was done, and he "used her" as he chose. She testified during her divorce that he was overbearing, abusive both mentally and physically, and there were instances of marital rape.
All of this I think may have contributed to her bipolar severity. I now know from reading a LOT of material, and the books I have purchased, that BP is a matter of genetics. However, could a continued stressful if not negative personal history contribute to the severity?
In 2005 I was seperated, and she happened to come to the small town where I met her, and lived to visit her ill Mother. While there, we met, and talked as two very old and trusty friends may. We shared what our lives had been like. Mine one of public service, hers the "Queen of Social Grace". Money was no object to her, her husband would allow her to throw lavish parties (8 in five years at $10K plus each), people attending didn't socialize with them otherwise, as they resorted to a self directed exile almost homophobic in nature. She and her children only left the house to shop or eat, and the kids were home schooled.
She told me of her life, at which I answered questions she had about it doing my diplomatic best. She decided she didn't want to continue that life, and the abusive nature of her husband. She remained in FL, and we started seeing each other again.
October 2005 she stayed, her HB filed for divorce in Indiana. In November, she and her daughter moved in with me. Her daughter still being home schooled.
In April 2006 she became ill, experiencing abdominal pain, nausea, vomitting etc. She had suffered for several years with Diverticulosis as well as hypo-thyroid (treated) and Sjogren's Syndrome. After about a week of these symptoms (she wouldn't go to the Dr), I found her on the bathroom floor, nearly unconcious, diaphoretic, hyperventilating, and in near shock. 911 time.
Within two hours she was in surgery for an emergency bowel resection, with two absesses, and was septic. She spent 17 days in a coma, and at first it was not good. Her HB and son arrived, and along with her overbearing nosy sister, they discusses openly who was "going to pull the plug", I nearly threw her sister out the hospital window. There was NO indication that she was on "life support", they mistook the breathing machine (she had a bit of fluid in her lower lungs, and wasn't properly oxygenated) as life support.
Anyway, she emerged after 26 days, released but on a colostomy appliance for 5 months, until restorative surgery was conducted.
She experienced a rapid menopause afterward, and began to exhibit signs of depression, for which a GP prescribed Celexa 20 mg/day. This improved her somewhat, but over time, I began to notice other problems emerging.
The stress of her divorce, there were 4 hearings for custody, all in Indiana, which I took her to attend, along with other hearings, depositions, etc. All in all, her husband shut her out both financially and emotionally (her son will not speak to her) She received a paltry 25K final settlement and her Cadillac.
Enter the illness at full throttle.
She began to "swing" in moods, at first, an episode would emerge about every 6 to 8 weeks, once they became pronounced. I tried to avoid conflict, I was quite busy with my business, trying to keep it afloat. I did ALL the cooking in the house, nearly all the grocery shopping, and took care of her during her recovery. (While in recovery on the colostomy, not one member of her family offered to help clean her, change her, bathe her, or cook while I was at work).
What I now know as Mania emerged, following a trigger/stimulous such as her Child Support being late, or the twice a year visitation in Indiana her ex had with their daughter, or that she would get a cold/flu/bronchitis (often) which elevated the mania.
She would enter full blown mania, spend all her money, have none to contribute to household expenses, and when frustration would set in for either/both of us, she would "pack up" and flee to her Mother's, a hotel, and once to a shelter with her daughter. I will admit, not understanding then that her episodes were the illness, my Type A+ personality was unable to process the situation, and I reacted badly. Never violent, but would become angry although I don't consider it actually as angry, it's how I react when "frustrated". I'm loud and direct, then I go somewhere quiet, usually my chair, or outside on the porch, or in the bedroom. If I'm not there/tangible, then I can't argue, and there shouldn't be any argument.
We were renters, as her illness progressed, her actions and spending sprees dug into our household budget. She still survives today on $800 a month CS. The one job she obtained at McDonald's lasted two weeks and she was terminated for conflict and potential violence in the workplace. She would go to our landlord's house during one of her "absences", basically as I am told "flirting" with him to allow her to stay in the house, and to have me removed. The landlord's wife was not too happy with her coming around, which resulted in both of us being asked to vacate. I can't blame him. She went to my Cousin's house during another episode, saying she was leaving me, and did he want to date. His wife, who had been my wife's closest friend had died some three months before. He declined (later telling me that "She's nuts anyway")
I don't ever mention these things to her, at least not now, until she hopefully opens up to treatment, and should be discussed. When "hypomanic" she does experience a strong sexual urge, she does so normally, but when hypomanic, she's on overdrive. I try the best I can to make her happy, and not turn her away. A lot of close affection is sometimes all I can muster, but I do the best I can.
In nearly 4 years, she has "packed up" and moved out some 15 times. The mania continues for about 3 weeks, then I'm told that she appears normal for about a week, then sinks into varying degrees of depression, where she contacts me, apologizing often for what happened, twice in the past year, she has spoken of suicide during this phase.
We discussed leaving the adverse family climate in FL to move north to VA. My business supports that ability, and initially I was to come stay with my best friend in VA, work, save, and prepare to move them up with me in a couple of months.
This began in September. Each month I would travel to FL to visit, shortly after leaving, there would be a negative phone call, where she was obviously upset, demanding, verbally abusive and accusatory that I was "cheating", etc. Just prior to leaving FL, we were together and during an episode, she attacked me, and was later arrested for domestic violence. I managed to convince friends at the State Attorney's Office that she had agreed to anger management, and counselling, and PDoc treatment. They dropped the matter, but alas, she didn't attend any further sessions. In November there was another episode, and I travelled to FL, and took her to a PDoc, who recommended she have regular sessions, increased her Celexa to 40mg/day, and that she have blood work conducted to regulate her Thyroid, and in order to prescribe a "leveller" as he described it. She didn't go back.
She began to insist that we marry, and this had been discussed for quite a while. I was hoping to delay it until we moved, but she began to plan this elaborate affair, on her own, with my input. She also began to discuss her return to college after 20 years, convinced that she only needs one course to graduate (she was only half way through when she quit school), that she was going to open her own psychiatric practice soon, and later described her interest in working in a law office as a paralegal (she types/tested at 15 wpm). I didn't know what to do.
December arrived, and I planned to be down for Xmas, we also planned to be married at the CH. We did, and had a brief honeymoon, and enjoyed the Holiday, with me doing all the cooking. That I enjoy anyway, and have always cooked the holiday meals in my family.
Her daughter was to fly out the following Monday to visit her Father in Indiana. Once the flight left, the little signs I had been observing all too long, were transformed into full blown mania. She basically started to argue, scream, etc, throwing temper tantrums in public, which I decided to leave early and return to VA.
She was incommunicato for three weeks, unbeknownst to me, she closed our mailbox at the PO with no forwarding address, and important mail was returned, inclusive of checks paid to me for work done. This created another problem. She changed locks on our storage, moved items she deemed as mine to another storage, and didn't tell me. When the bill came due, fortunately the manager contacted me, and I paid the unpaid bills for both.
After the third week, I heard from her, she "made up" on the phone, She was very depressed, and again talked about not wanting to live anymore, which I was able to calm, and I planned to return to FL in Feb to visit, and to take care of some business. I stayed in a hotel, as her Mother was not too fond of me, after leaving, and I didn't wish for conflict. My wife of thirty days, came to the Hotel, her daughter with GrandMa, and we spent the night. Knowing that I was to leave the third morning, she went to her mother's house the second day, and started an argument, where she was told to leave. Now what do I do.
I ended up bringing her to VA, finding some temporary shelter at a women's facility for her and my now step daughter. This lasted 10 days, another manic episode and she was ordered to leave.
My friend here opened his home, allowing them to come stay here. He has known her through me for 37 years, and was familiar with what was going on through me.
He left a few days later to visit family, so we had the home to ourselves. Things went well, until shortly after his return. A condition of him allowing her to stay was that she needed to get control of her illness, see a doctor, and that no outbursts were to occur. Strong, but understandable.
On his return, we planned a BBQ with a few of his friends. This was mainly to benefit her, so she could meet some people socially and hopefully gain some friends. She wasn't too keen on the idea, specifically when I had to tell her it was casual, not formal, and there was no need to plan a gala event. The closer it came, the more edgy she was.
Her mania was increasing, with the usual signs, inattentiveness, forgetfulness, she gained some weight, she became hyper, unable to concentrate, oversexed, even somewhat indiscrete around her daughter.
The night before the BBQ we had plans to make dessert, my friend was out for the evening. At 4:30 she announced that she and her daughter were going to Walmart. I asked that she pick up a couple of things to make dinner with. She had just received her "late" CS that day. At 6:30 I received a frantic call from her on the store phone, that the keys didn't work in the door. I gave her some options, and expected to hear back. NOT!
I called her cell phone repeatedly, only getting VM. At 10:30 they returned, and I noticed that she was near raged. I was too, with what started out as concern elevated to frustration ( her car was broken down it was to be fixed by me on sunday and she had my only means of transporation which I was told she couldn't get in). I admit, during this time, I had drank three whiskey's but was by no means drunk, just done to mellow, we exchanged words, I checked my car, it was fine. Unbeknownst to me at that time, although suspected, she had gone on another shopping spree. After I said what I had to say, (rather sternly) I reminded her of the conditions of her being here. That if she wished to stay here, she needed to relax, quiet down, before she was told to leave. Stating, "if you're going to leave, you'll have to di it by Cab".
Well, from what I have learned since, she and her daughter packed a suitcase (I had immediately gone to bed) left before midnight walking in the cold, and they took no witner coats. They were picked up by the police, and from her depiction of events, placed in a DV shelter for women. She came the following Monday with her caseworker to collect clothes etc and her vehicle. While packing she attempted to take things of mine, like underwear, slacks, socks, video's music, to which the CW commented "that's the mania".
She's been gone since April 3, she paid to have her car fixed, but didn't pay a critical bill in FL, apparently her CW promised that she would, but I suspect that after receiving her CS last Wednesday, that the remaining money wasn't much, and she refused to pay the bill. She then checked out of the facility, and they now will not divulge her location.
I had attempted to resort to "Tough Love" and obtain a commitment order, but VA has some of the toughest laws on that aspect. It was denied, as I had not observed her behavior that day.
My questions are many, I apologize for the lengthy diatribe, but all I can do is wait, knowing now that it will "swing" to depression again, and she will call. I only hope that she does, before something else happens.
Treatment is necessary, but so far I haven't been able to get to get her to seek it. The CW had made available all that she needs, but to quote the CW "She doesn't think anything is wrong with her". From what I have determined, she is still in the area, her daughter still attends school, transportation provided by whatever shelter she is in. My wife shouldn't be driving anyway, she let her insurance lapse, and her DL will not be valid much longer.
I'm prone to say, "This is a S#&t sandwich, and somebody's gotta take a bite". Well this one's a Whopper, and I'm first in line. Friends and family say take off. But I can't. I love this woman more than life itself. I've been there for her so many times in the past 4 years, standing in harms way to protect/help her. I can't abandon her now, nor will I.
Short of a commitment order ( I will have one if she flees to FL, I've already arranged that) I'm lost here. Tired doesn't describe it.
What I wonder is:
Do others experience their partners cycle as if it was on a calendar?
Do others feel guilty about having to take action?
Any experiences like I've described here?
And finally, I'm open to suggestions.
**note:
I did find and purchased two books dealing with surviving BP, one I mailed to the shelter which they said they would forward. I only hope that she opens it. If she'll read the first 50 pages, I think she may be receptive to seek help. I hope so for both of us.
Again, sorry for the long winded me. I probably just needed to rant a bit