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rapid cycle bipolar changes

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Posted 9/19/2004 12:28 PM (GMT 0)
last week i tripped over a trigger and was in the worst depression i've had in years. spent four days of seeing nothing but darkness thru my tears. felt like i could not and would not take of myself. for the first time, thought of cutting or beating so as to feel physical pain instead of the wretched depression. hated everything, especially friends who dared to check on me. felt i was bothering everyone. didn't want to take the handfuls of pills every day.

however, on the fourth day i was pacing, tearing things out of my closets/drawers to find anything that even vaguely reminded me of this "former" friend who triggered me so badly. used to go manic with being nasty, losing concentration and irritable.

please help me. can bipolar change with the need? never in my life did i think of cutting. maybe offing myself, but not replacing mental anguish with physical pain. just seemed that was the only thing to do, as i had failed at offing myself in the past.

somehow or other, someone made me take them. not sure. just feel nothing's working, plus i'm not worth it. feeling a little better, but always afraid to feel okay. that's when i get hit the worst. want to be like that old simon & garfunkle song... i am a rock, i am an island.
Posted 9/26/2004 8:44 AM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry to hear you are stugging with the bipolar.

Bipolar can be triggered by many things. I also take a hand full of pills try to keep my bipolar in check and I hate every minute of it. It took me a while to get the right mix of meds but when they find the meds that work the whole world looks a lot better. I was afraid of what normal (if there is such a thing) would be like. I almost forgot what it felt like and not have my mood change all the time. I also had to deal rapid cycling too. Most of the time my mania's would come out as a very irritable. I would rage for hours on end.

Just keep hanging in there. It does get better even when you don't feel like it wll. You will find out you have more strength then you think you have.
Posted 9/28/2004 10:36 AM (GMT 0)
I have cut be4.. It was almost like the physical pain replaced the emotional anguish I felt inside.. cutting gave me a rush.. it let me know I was still alive... Lately I have been having a hard time and have had the urge to cut.. so far I havent.. so hang in there .. i hope that everyday will get better for you... Melissa
Posted 10/27/2004 2:28 AM (GMT 0)
Cutting releases a neurotransmitter called serotonin into your nervous system. That's why the rush. It works less effectively the more you do it though. I think that what you're thinking when you want to cut is pretty irrelevant - it's just your body screaming to you that you're short on serotonin.
Posted 11/24/2004 1:52 PM (GMT 0)
devil  

 

I have been recently diagnosed with Bipolar. My doctor first tried me on Depakote twice a day and xanax three times a day. I could not stand the weight gain and ask for something else that would not have that side effect.

 

He then put me on Lamictal and that wasn't helping much. I was up to 100mg twice a day along with the xanax 3 times a day.

 

I was up, down, up, down, just like you. My psych doctor now just added Geodon 40mg along with my current meds and will see me in a few more days to check on things.

 

He said I am going through rapid cycleing also, so I know what it feels like. I always say, I don't care about anything anymore and just want to get well already. I don't remember who I was. I just know this is Hell living like this.

 

I hope things work out for both of us. But please get back to the doctor and let him/her know what you are going through before you hurt yourself. There are many meds out there for you to try, although I know it takes awhile WE JUST HAVE TO HANG TOUGH. Many people have worse diseases/illness than us with death at their door. We need to count our blessings, even though we seem we are going through hell.

 

Hope things go well for both of us.

 

Sincerely, Sukay
Posted 12/16/2004 9:18 AM (GMT 0)
Well I have had this illness my whole life pratically.  I was diagnosed with it I guess when I was 6 years old belive it or not.  When I was 6 I had a maniac episode and was sent to a hospital for little over a month.  I returned twice to that hospital after that and I am now 19 years old.  So I can honestly say I got the brute force of this thing at a very young age.  I have never consisted of this thing that some of you call reality and I am actually failry surprised that some of you want to go back becuase you had it in the first place!  I envy those of you who ahve this illness that can actually say that mad

My mom the other day was telling me she could not imagine what it would be like to have maniac depression.  She is always so happy and cheerful I sometimes wonder if she is the one that has something wrong with her and not me!  Then again somebody like me cant comprehend such things so I dont bother!

I stopped taking my meds quite some time ago but I still take a sleeping pill for when the manai hits me at night.  I couldnt sleep for 5 mins without that thing.  I do usually ok in the realm of sanity but I am going to school and I will some day be a psychologist.  I am also living on my own for now.  For me this illness is not some dreaded disease I picked up over the years but something I had at a very young age.  Because of this I have been dealing and fighting it my whole life pratically.  Age 6-17 was some of the worst years of my life.  That is when this illness consumed me utterly but thank god I pulled myself out with meds and the desire to better myself.  When people look at me in real life they think I am 25+ because of the hair that has falling out of my head over the years and the intense frown lines that have magically appaeared on my forhead.  This illness sure knows how to wear and tear ya  tongue  

It is at the point now in my life where I see this thing as something to fight and I love doing it with a passion because it has done horrible things to me.  I love it when it pops in to say hello beucause sometimes I can give it a swift kick in the butt out the door.  I am thinking of going back on the meds because the sensation of not being here is getting annoying and fighting this thing 24/7 gets old after awhile even though I like to beat it sometimes because of what it has done.  I guess since it is 3 A.M. in the morning here and I want to keep typing till the crack of dawn is not a good thing so I just wanted to say hello and I can totally relate to all of you when it comes to are wonderful but horrible maniac depression.  I am glad there are things like this out there where we can come for support because some days I want somebody to spill guts out to but I live all alone and kinda isolate myself from the world  eyes   I am going to take my sleeping pills so I can go to bed otherwise I am going to be at it all night.  For those of you who just have been diagnosed with this thing ya just hang in there and keep in mind that meds do wonders even if we have to wait forever for em to work or if the side effects are nasty.  Its a process of trial and error and can get pretty rough without a good psychiatrist.  If you are taking meds and you think you should stop because you are better you probably are asking for a disater.  I have done this before thinking I was "better" and I ended up in the hospital again.  I stopped again years afterwards because I kept in mind I am not better and that I must cope with this thing but that is getting very old.  Think meds are the route for me just need to find the right ones.  This is the first time I have gone off the meds for this long and have managed to cope.  I need to decide what is better for me.  Numbing brain seducing meds or this illness in its full glory.  Its a rough life for us but we gotta live it and make the best of it.  I am sure I shall return to vent and seek support, so hello and good night my fellow comardes in this grand thing we call INSANTIY!

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