Feeling low today

Feeling yucky today. Can tell I am in a low mood. I don't know how many of you BP sufferers go through this but....I am so tired of my husband bringing up past bad deeds of mine.

He told me his "timeline" that by the end of this year I need to be done paying back my grandmother. (she came to our rescue and let us borrow money to pay back credit card debt I accrued.) I owe her around $4000 more dollars and she basically deducts from that $10 an hour for stuff I do for her. Just basically anything she needs help with, stuff around the house, taking her to appoints. His comment was that I should pay this off even if it means I have to work for her on the weekends. His goal is that by next year I can actually be earning money to help cover my schooling costs.

Well for one, I can not just sit at her house and get paid...there has to be stuff to do. And secondly...I take college courses, which I try to get an A or B in (and I do) because I am trying to raise my overall GPA from years of F's and withdrawals. I am also running a household, have 3 daughters...etc...all that mommy/housewife stuff. I guess sometimes I just get the feeling that above all else my husband wants things back to normal...not for me to stay healthy mentally. Like I should be putting myself at risk of a relapse into mania/depression...in order to make up for all I did (especially manic spending.)

Guess I am babbling...I just wish there was a way to block out his frustrations and taking them out on me, because I feel I am doing all I can without getting myself unhealthy again. It gets kind of old when from my husband I rarely hear praise for all I do, but hear plenty of what I could do better.

Thanks for letting me vent..time to go get ready for family coming over for a BBQ. One thing I can say is that is it so much better to be depressed about "something", than to just be depressed becuase of my body chemistry. So much easier to deal with something tangible.

You should talk to your husband about his support. It will be really hard to get well with his constant reminders about your "failures". As for feeling bad, even when on the right medication, sometimes you have up days, sometimes you have down... we are human and not devoid of emotion. I hope your husband hears you about his support and changes his tune.

Hi mommymichele,

Yeah, it gets old and very frustrating!  I think your hubby is just frustrated probably about other things and he is just lashing out on you.

It may help if you talk to your grandmother and let her know what is going on between your husband and you.  She may have different expectations on when her deadline is for the money she lent to you to be paid back by? 

You can then talk with your husband and let him know how much you are really trying to get things back in order and that you had a conversation with grandma and how hard you are working at school and with the kids and that you don't know what more you can do and how it really hurts you that he doesn't see all your effort.

Sympathize with him and let him know that you understand it must be very frustrating for him but that you really wish things were different but that your doing the best you can and that he is making you feel awlful by constantly bring up the past.  You wish you could do more but honestly...how much  more can you do? 

You are being very proactive in your wellness plan, being a good mom, working very hard at school!  Let him know that he is only adding to your depression and that you don't want to end up back there.

I hope for understanding from your husband.

Thanks everyone...I seem to be pulling out of my funk. We are busy with back to school stuff, and my own classes have started so I am busy too. I liked the idea of setting up my own system of self praise. Like leaving little notes around to remind me that I am worth all the hard work to feel better :)