2 month episode, still going

I'm sorry to always post when I'm down, honestly.  I have been deeply depressed for almost 2 months now.  We have increased my meds...once, now upping again with possibilty of going up again in two weeks if I am not better. (upping the Mirapex, my depression fighter; I am so sad that's it's not doing the job it was before...)

Yesterday I really hit rock bottom, not the first time in this episode.  We had to go out grocery shopping.  I don't have to explain to any of you that absolutely everything has been completely overwhelming for me.  I haven't been able to do anything for several weeks, days on end.  Anyway we went and on the way there I had a terrible panic attack and I didn't have my clonazepam with me, so I did some breathing and I don't know how I got through the store and home.  When I got home I asked bf to put the groceries away because I had to go lay down.  I went upstairs took a clonazepam and just laid on the bed and stared out the window terrified at how hopeless I was feeling.  I started crying into the pillow just feeling I couldn't deal with this any longer.  I was going to call crisis but I didn't.  I just drifted off for about 20 minutes and then got up and got supper ready.

My sister is coming to stay here with us for a day or two this week, I have been trying all weekend to get the house cleaned up.  I've been taking it as slow as I can; meantime doing endless laundry...It's too much.

The job is still extremely boring and pdoc is worried about this.  I know christina on this board suggested me taking a book to read on a past post (thanks christina...I do take one, with this depression it's hard to concentrate, but I do get some reading in)  Unfortunately there just isn't nearly enough to do, but I can't walk away from the hospital, it took so much to get there. 

I feel totally unable to get through this one.  I don't know how I can possibly do what I need to do.....

Hi Mogli,

Just wanted to let you know that I read your post this morning and that I'm thinkin of you.

I really hope you're feeling somewhat better.

How is it going?

(((Hugs))) ~sukay~

As for this job of mine, I was talking to some secretaries who have been in the hospital for a long time (they do not know that I am bp, and won't) but they hope things will pick up for me but also acknowledged that once you're in the hospital you've got your foot in the door.  I absolutely cannot leave and give up this opportunity.  I am one month away from finishing my probationary period there and after that I could seek another job internally if one should match what I am looking for.  But that is the other thing; right now I am the secretary for psychiatrists and I want to stay in mental health.  It's a comfort to me knowing I am working for those who care about illnesses we all suffer from.  It's something that I have a strong belief in.  The bordem I am hoping will cease sooner than later....I just feel I have to hang in there for now.

Having said all that, I do know how this is affecting my health, and my pdoc is concerned.  I am going to do everything I can to get through this and keep my job.  Over the last few days, I have felt a little lift so maybe I am on my way out of this episode...

Today I have a family thing to go to at my Dad's.  I am gearing up....

I can't tell you how much it means to me to have your support in this.  I know you all know how I am feeling and please know that I am also there with all of you through your battles.