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Posted 3/8/2010 8:25 PM (GMT 0)
I am a new member and I am looking for people who understand what it is like being me.  I was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder at 13   when I tried to take my own life because I was so lost about why the rest of the world was so different from me.  I had suffered alot and I do mean alot of childhod trauma from my mom who I now believe was bi-polar as well.  I was anorexic, looking for any male attention I could get and suffering through hell all alone.  I was hospitalized and couldn't understand why I was there.  There were so many kids with worse problems than me.  As my life moved on I became a teenage mother because I wanted love so bad.  My husband was very abusive to me and it was like living at home all over again I was prisioner to his domaine.  I left him after he struck my child and knocked the breath out of her.  My mother teamed up with him and took my child.  Everyone in my world turned on me.  I was betrayed by my own family.  My mother wanted my child but as soon as I realized she was behind it all I stopped her from getting my daughter.  I explained to the judge I was along with my 2 sisters and 1 brother placed in foster care for childabuse for over a year.  They asked me who I wanted her to be with and she was placed with my husbands mom and dad.  I hurt so bad I walked away.  I clung to a man who was much like myself.  We then had a hard road ahead.  He was an alcholic and bi-polar as well.  We went on to have 2 children both being boys which are bi-polar as well.  I have always worked hard and tried to survive the best I can because my husband just couldn't maintain a job and when he did work he came home drunk which almost lead to my death numerous times.  I always made excuses for him and stayed for 8 years.  I eventually got out of the relationship with court ordered theraphy 3 times a week for over a year.  It was very hard to break away from him because he understood my disorder because he suffered in the same way.  We were strongly connected but I feel it was for the wrong reasons.  Now in my 4th marriage and having to face my past I have finally been diagnosed bi-polar all over again.  I suffered a nervous breakdown which led to the anger and depression side.  I realized I needed help for myself when my new husband and I started falling into my deep depression.  I just attacked him one night and loved him so much I couldn't live with myself because my guilt was so bad.  So I seeked help and went to my child's doctor and he gave me the medicines I need.  I had been seeing him for Adhd anyway.  He really helped my boys so I figured maybe he can turn my life around to.  Since being on the lithium I feel tremoundsly better but I know it will be work in progress for the rest of my life.  My boys also are medicted and I feel so guilty because they take 5 medicines a day it's hard being a mother knowing what they are going through.  My current husband is educationg himself and hangin in there with me.  There were times I felt so unloved and then I know if he didn't love me he wouldn't be educating himself.  I just wish I had of been born normal like other people.  This illness is killing my spirit because I am usually so crazy happy and now I eneter the down side and I don't like it.  Having mania was just perfect I felt I could do and acomplish anything.  My bosses loved me I was one of the hardest workers they had and very spunky in the job field.  I made friends easily but at the same time I hated myself people just seen the spunky side they had no idea what I was feeling when I was all alone.  I have been diagnosed Adhd bi-polar with PTSD and anxiety disorder.

Post Edited (Cateyes) : 3/8/2010 1:34:42 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 3/8/2010 8:46 PM (GMT 0)
In a adeemn to that it's like no one understands they look at me and say god ur so pretty u have it made. I just don't feel pretty if anything I feel so ugly on the inside. Pretty is just an outside apperance. I feel as if this was the cruel joke. Being attractive and hating yourself. I have been looking my whole life for answers about this. I stay educated because of my boys having the illness. I also try to be stronger because of them. I feel overwhelmed between work and doctors appointments it's chaous all the time. Alot of people with bi-polar cannot hold a job so I feel like one of the lucky ones but I am struggling
Posted 3/8/2010 8:51 PM (GMT 0)
 WELCOME

Hugs, Caren

Bipolar1

Posted 3/8/2010 8:55 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks guys it helps knowing this site is up my husband found it. he has researched until his fingers are numb
Posted 3/9/2010 12:26 AM (GMT 0)
I completly understand i was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety and major bi-polarness i have tried taking my life i am always doing the wrong thing i have sex with other guys and was almost raped for not being careful who i talk to i just feel so unloved and take it out on everyone around me i dont understand my mom knows but she refuses to put me on meds the therapist wanted me on meds asap but my mom said no.someone please give me advice i feel like im not needed on this earth i have been looking for a job for 2 years now with no luck i have had depression since i was 12 an i am now almost 19
... but i woke up in a hostpital with a tube down my throat i need help quick
i get so ... even if its something so small i find it harder to control my actions and fear the worst for people around me they dont have a clue about me they know nothing of how i secretly want to hurt them all the time i find it very hard to sleep and eat i am also having pains everywhere i need HELP please give me some advice.

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 3/9/2010 10:45:48 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 3/9/2010 12:22 PM (GMT 0)
If u r 19 u can get any medical treatment u want ur mother has no influence in that decesion. There are state programs for medical insurance if u need it. It sounds like u realize u have a problem and your mother does not want to admit to it. First thing first take care of self. People with Biolar tend to be amazingly smart and can multi task out of this world so don't be down on yourself look for the good in bipoloar not it's pain. Sometimes it's very hard to look for the good when the bad hits but u were right for joining this sight maybe you will find you don't have it as bad as others. I do understand your frustration. My son is bi-polar and I have to deal with him everyday but the main thing for me is monitoring him closley. I stay on top of his illness and try extra hard to make sure he does not hit the dark side. I feel as a mother the best help I can give him is understanding and doing what ever it takes to keep him here with me in this world. He is very talented and outgoing and I am truely blessed by his presence. Because we share the same illness are bond is so much closer and I understand where he is coming from. Does your mom have this illness to and not admiting to it. Is dealing with your disorder bringing light to her own set of issues, or is she not understanding because she is not educated enough to deal with it. Typically the parents have the disease. Please seek medical attention half the battle is admiting what is wrong and you have so your almost there.
Posted 3/9/2010 12:42 PM (GMT 0)

  Welcome, to a place where people really, really understand you. Sounds like you have a good handle on this.  Your right this is  a long road ahead and you will have this fight the rest of your life, however the medication helps a lot and so does having support.  You have the traditional roadmap of a bipolars life before diagnosis. Its amazing we make it to even get help and have to wonder if there is some special thing that watchs over us.

  And your kids will handle it better than you. Kids are very adaptable and can learn to function well with the meds.

   Keep positive and thngs will get better.  Keep on the path.

   Bill

Posted 3/9/2010 2:49 PM (GMT 0)
Happy bill, Thank you but I wanna have a good handle on this but for the first time in my life I realize I don't. I have spent the last 7 years dealing with my childrens illness that I had no time to focus on me. I didn't even realize I had adhd until my child was diagnosed. When I get one of my boys straight the other one kicked in The fighting was so bad I had to seperate them with a different living arrangement. This threw me into A nervous breakdown having to choose between my boys. Now I am newely married and he is dealing with not only my issues but my sons to. I think he loves me but also hates me to he can deal with the mania, but not my anger or depression. I want to help him and for the first time in my life I seen a man who could love me inside not my looks. I am afraid to lose him to this freakin disease. I have never tripped out before and it scared me to death and my guilt is over riding my ability to live with myself and for the first time since I was a kid I just wanna die and take his pain away. I have ruinned his life which is undoubtly making me miseriable. I want to take my kid and live in complete seclusion. I love him and can't see my life without him I wish he understood my pain. I cry when I am alone because He shouldn't have to deal with my tears. He truely is trying to understand when we met I was on the upside of this and now we are married and the down side is killing our relationship. Most relationships do not survive this disease But I wanna survive it I really do but I am so depressed it hurts How can I make him happy if I can't find myself anymore. U seem like you have had to deal with this help me.
Posted 3/9/2010 3:15 PM (GMT 0)

  Well first you have to be willing to forgive yourself. You didnt do anything wrong to get this desease, and it isnt  your fault you have the problems you do. That said how you handle them is your responsiblity. If you want to work hard to keep him that means you need to get the help to help you to help yourself. When i was diagnosed i really really wanted to make progress, so i read a ton, asked lots of questions (still do) and more important was completely up front and honest with my therpast and Pdoc on what and how i was feeling.

    Later when my wife commented to her doc how good i was doing he said it ws simply because i "wanted" to get better had done more than any meds had.

   I start each day with a mental image of the man i want to be, good husband, friend, father, worker, etc. I try not to sweat the small stuff and concentrate instead on the big picture. Do i have bad days, yes, do i make mistakes, yes, but do i get up each morning , dust myself off, and try again. YES. This is a war with no end and no lasting victories. If i have had a good day than i celebrate it and know when i go to sleep i will wake up with a whole new days worth of challenges to keep me busy. I also know that if i fail, that tommrow is another day and that it is a whole new chance to be super Bill again.

    You seem to be in a lot of pain right now, this group has some big shoulders to lean on so you go righ t ahead and lean on as long as you need. Before you know it you will be the one letting others lean on you.

   Bill

Posted 3/9/2010 3:58 PM (GMT 0)
U know ur married how do u convince her to love you when your down and accept your mistakes without grudges. He says I am the source of his stress so I try not to talk and then he doesn't understand that either. Be completely honest we got into a fight over his x-wife and kid and I slammed his head into the wall because he was trying to leave I have never been physical before, but I couldn't make him see I have abondoment issues and I panic. I freaked out with myself because I touched him it scared me to I just wanted him to love me and not walk away. I quickly seen my pdoc and was very honest about what I had done because I never wanted to react like that again. I didn't even try to make excuses because my guilt was so bad. We can talk really talk but he just wouldn't listen to me at all he made excuses for the x. She is a lousy mother she puts my step son off on anyone and everyone dresses him in dirty clothes for 5 days straight. She is very manuplitating and calls my husband for everything under the son she always has an excuse for why she doesn't wanna spend time with my stepson. I don't understand any of this behavior. My children a very rarely anywhere I am not I have dedicated my life to being right there so if the have a relaspe I can work to help them. I do not trust other people with them so I just deal with the fact my world is centered around them. My children do not go with anyone for me to have pleasurable times. I do not feel tied down because of it because they get me threw the rough times. I am trying very hard to correct myself so I can be stronger for my family. My step son has anxiety issues and possiable very depressed. His mother overlooks it I am pleading with my husband to have him seen. He is the sweetest little boy but he cries alot and he talks to me about his feelings because I listen. When his father leaves we have heart to hearts and when his father comes home he can see his son has cried and my husband automaticaly assumes I made him cry. For what ever reason this child is comfortable communicationg with me. I love him very much but neither of his parents understand he is depressed. I can see these things early because I have trained myself about depression because my boys go through this. I am very educated on bipolar because I have 2 boys along with myself that suffers from it day to day.
Posted 3/9/2010 5:47 PM (GMT 0)
Hi cateyes and depressed-n-angry,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. It's good to have you. This is a great place to vent and get answers. I hope you find it as helpful as I have.

serafena
Posted 3/9/2010 7:50 PM (GMT 0)
 

   Ok cateyes, here's what i think you should do. There are times in your life to confront problems and times to back away and let them go. I think that you both need to take a step back and get your bearings. You are in a crisis, and often times problems are not solved well or at all in a crisis. When i had my crisis (and my wife took a corkscrew to my neck and almost killed me with one shot) we backed away for a while and decided to let things go.  By that i mena if it didnt have to do with just getting thru the day and getting a little more stable than we didn;t discuss it. Now almost two years later we are slowly talking it out in bits and pieces. And there have been lots of good times in the last two years im glad i didnt miss. DO we still have a lot of work, HECK YES.smhair smilewinkgrin   But what marriage or relationship isnt filled with work in progress signs. LOL LOL LOL

    Take a step back, get your meds under control. Do only what absolutly needs to be done to get thru the day. Love your children and do your best to shield them from this issue. They are the innocent ones and hopefully you and your husband can focus together on thier well being and benifit.

   And like i said before   FORGIVE YOURSELF.   You made a mistake, several mistakes, a ton of mistakes, you got to let it go.  Its only by making mistakes and learnign from them do we truly grow as human beings. You can and will recover from this. Your marriage does not have to end over this. Both of you need to get some help but if you cant (finances are a pain) than you both need to just take a step back from the edge and breathe. Agree that certain subjects will not be discussed at this time. Make love as often as possible (This really helps) do small things for each other, compiment each other, kiss as often as you can, just do whatever you can do over the next few weeks an dmonths to hold on and get thru this. With time comes healing, and wisdom. Give yourselves time to get thru this rough patch and learn to live with this. Its  a HUGE shock to be diagnosed with this disorder and it is a life changing event. However it doesnt have to be a life ending event. Just because you have bipolar doesnt mean you wont get better, get balance in your life, and settle down to a happy and fun life together. 

    Just hold on. It will get better.

   Bill 

Post Edited (happy bill) : 3/9/2010 12:53:09 PM (GMT-7)

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