Very serious this time, what are you afraid of with this desease.

 

  Hey there folks, i've got a serious question to ask you all. What are you scared of with this desease?

    For me my greatest fear is that the meds stop working and i get worse, worse to the point that i lose everything, my house, my wife, my friends, jobs, everything. Basicly being homeless and completely out of control. That is what terrorizes me late at night.

    I joke a lot about many aspects of this desease, and joking is a defense mechanism that helps me cope. Trust me, you will hear some of the best jokes or laughter when you are in the middle of a very scary fire, it helps me cope with scary things.

    But honestly, me losing control of my mind and my life is the absolutly scariest thing i can think of. I know right now my meds are working fine and i am ok, however one of my things is that i am constantly planning and looking ahead to what might happen. I do it every day when i roll on a fire or arrest a shoplifter. I think about what might happen and make plans accordingly.

   This is very hard for me to type, this part right now is what truly scares me to no end. The way i feel is that i would rather be dead than to lose everything i have worked so hard for and be a crazy person on the street.  I cant talk about this to my wife because she doesnt know what this feels like. You all do. I laugh alot, i laugh alot, but honestly sometimes, like right now, i get scared. I'm not scared of much of anything, i have proven that to myself over and over again. But this thought is what scares me silly.

     Ok, super serious Bill is ok now, just had a little bit of a moment there. However it should be noted for the record that i actually tried to spell everything right for this post.

    Does anyone else out there feel this way also? Or do i need to consider a whole new line of meds. LOL LOL LOL  There i go again.  Sorry.

   Bill  

This last week, since starting meds, I have been very afraid and nervous about what the drugs are doing to me. I really do not like the idea that how exactly they work is unknown, and I fear I am ruining everything that makes me "me". I fear that I will lose my creativity. I fear that I will change who I am and will not have the impact in life that I was meant to have. I keep thinking of my heroes in music and writing, most of whom suffered from brain disorders and think "man, they wrote their best stuff when they were really screwed up in the head", but most of them are dead. I don't want to be dead (even if sometimes I think i do).

That is right now, but the ones I've struggled with a long time mostly revolve around hurting other people.

Namely I fear being close to people, especially in a romantic way, because I feel like I will hurt them in the end. I pretty much avoid close relationships at all costs, it's just easier to "deal" (live with) with the problems myself and feel like I am only hurting myself. This even carried through to music for many years. I refused to have a band, partly because I am unfomfortable around people, but largely because I felt like if I was on stage alone and screwed up, I could laugh it off and nobody was hurt, but I knew that if I had a band behind me and I messed up, I was letting them down.

The big one is a fear of hurting myself and in turn hurting those who love me. I had suicidal thoughts as long as I can remember. I have learned to squelch them very quickly, but man in the moment it seems so easy. I fear that if I were really down and mania started to kick in, I'd lose it.

When I was in about 12-17, my mom lost both of her brothers to suicide and her dad to a stroke. One was diagnosed bi-polar and the other one was in the final staged of AIDS. Her dad went right in between the two. This triggered a very very major depressive episode and she has been medicated ever since. She is not diagnosed bi-polar, but I have been wondering about that the last few days. The point is, I saw what that loss did to my mother, and I cannot put her through that again. I very seldom think of hurting myself any more, it is a thought that comes in strong, but I always kick it's butt into submission. What scares me the most is that brief moment where I think about it.

What scares me the very most is the day I lose my mom. She is the world to me, and without the fear of hurting her through hurting myself, I don't know if I would be able to stop myself. This is one of the biggest reasons I want to get better now, because I know the day will come when I have to face serious tragedy again.

Have you always had these impulses? If not your med's need a little more management. Hard being a Lab Rat.

I have never been to impulsive, but more self critical and angry a lot of the time.

I have alienated my wife and family which makes things twice as bad becasue the silence (their coping device, right or wrong) makes it that much worse since my mind races and jumps to conclusions.

My only suggestion is manage the problems before they manage you. Get on top of the meds and talk therapy. It helps, no cures. Keep up the fight.

i am afraid of doing what i want because i know how terrible the consiquenses will be and that they will lead to my biggest fear; being left all alone. like right now i want nothing more than to destroy the entire kitchen to break all the dishes and to throw everything in the pantry on to the floor (i have an irrational anger tword the kitchen and i know why i am mad and that it is silly but i am still mad) and if i do that then every one will lable me as a crazy and leave me so i will be left alone and i can't handle that