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Posted 3/18/2010 10:44 PM (GMT 0)
Well I noticed yesterday morning that I didn't have as much energy, didn't think much of it or thought that maybe stim side effects of Lamictal are wearing off. At work I was okay until about eight at night. I just started to crash. Somebody was annoying me, and my spaciness (The last few days I've been forgetting really basic things very easily, spacing out a lot, not knowing what I am doing) was causing problems with work for the first time. It was one of those downward spirals and I just started beating myself up really bad. I almost freaked out. I started shaking, I got really irratable but when I'd snap at someone it would make me more depressed because I knew they didn't deserve it. BLAAA!

All in all, I think a large part of it was just that I felt so good in general all week. Sure I've been worried about stuff and have had some disconcerting experiences, but I didn't feel really depressed all week! Now feeling the crash come and realizing I'm entering a depressed cycle is really depressing. It scares me because I recognize where I am at right now as a mixed state, and now that I understand what that means it is scary. Right now I feel like I've got these tools that I know can help me feel better now and in the long run (friends, thinking, staying possitive, and of course continued use of meds), but I just don't care or think it's just not worth the effort.

 It's almost like "ignorance is bliss". Before I couldn't rationally think about my emotions or actions. I know that understanding and being aware of these changes is critical, but it would almost be easier to go back to how I was and just hole myself up in my room and wollow in self pitty.

Okay. I think I got it off my chest, and now I need to go outside and enjoy the last of this sun!

Tainted

Posted 3/18/2010 11:24 PM (GMT 0)

  I know that hypomania has a tiring effect on me. I can go for like 3-4 days than i crash and feel out of it for a day. Recover and start the cycle again. My crashes arnt that bad, just being  a little tired and grumpy, i try not to plan anything big on those days.

   Bill

Posted 3/19/2010 12:43 AM (GMT 0)
Tainted, ok now you see where your at so lets try to turn this around what can you do that makes you happy? Whatever you do DO NOT go to your room and peace out. Surround yourself with people who make you happy. Walk and think. Beining in the sun light helps totally helps. Listen to up beat music. Music has a way of turning our moods around. Even if you are reluctant to do this give it a run for me. Let me know how we are doing. I say we because I am concerned and want to help you as I am sure you would me. Being aggrivated is ok just keep listening to music and walking with lots of sun light. See your pdoc let him/her know where your at and that you realize this state of mind is unhealthy. There is greater respect in knowing what your going through and how to combat your symptoms. Wallowing in self pity will only make the condition worse.
Posted 3/19/2010 8:35 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks guys :)

A month ago I'd be in a bad way, but in the end I still had a relatively good day today. I keep having periods that get pretty low, but every time today I have been able to cut myself off and refocus. Hanging out with family helped. I also spent the last four hours talking with a good friend I haven't seen much lately. We always have good, open, honest conversations so I spilled my guts and he was there for me. So often when I get depressed it starts with the feeling that nobody cares, it's nice to prove yourself wrong with this one!

I still have a pretty hopeless feeling, and though I'm really tired I am dreading bed because the inactivity gives me pleanty of time to ruminate, worry, and internalize. I was planning on not taking sleeping meds tonight and seeing how it goes, but now I don't know.

There is still a hopeless feeling, but I'm hanging on.

Thanks again everybody for being there :)

Posted 3/19/2010 3:33 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks, I love spring, and here in Oregon it's coming in quite nicely. I didn't really sleep last night, now I'm in that wierd place where all I want to do is keep trying, but laying in bed awake is intolerable. I did write down some good lyrics last night, but now that I read them they are pretty sad and I'm trying to be positive. It's funny, just like I mentioned in a different post, I almost never get the true meaning behind what I write until I look back at it later.
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