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Posted 3/20/2010 6:46 PM (GMT 0)
I've had problems with depression since I was young, about 11. I'm currently diagnosed with severe depression and an anxiety disorder, and recovered from anorexia nervosa last year but still struggle with an eating disorder (starving, binging, "distorted body image", all that crap).

But recently I've found out about bipolar disorder and I just feel like I finally know whats wrong with me. I just read through the information about it and thought 'wow, thats me. Thats EXACTLY like me.'

 Now this might take a while, but please bear with me! Since I was about 15 I'd been anorexic, but all of the time very happy and social. Later on in my anorexia, when I was 16, I became extremely depressed. I'd given up, I wanted to die. I never left the house, never spoke to anyone, never ate anything. Eventually I was forced to recover by the NHS and I REALLY did not want to, and I hated the first few weeks of recovery and really struggled with it. But all of a sudden, a few weeks in, I became VERY hyperactive, I felt amazing, it was like my eating disorder and confidence problems had totally disappeared, I was full of enthusiasm for everything, I never seemed to need to sleep, I had so many creative ideas and did a lot of art work, I couldn't sit still for a minute, I started going out and partying again, drinking, doing drugs, all of that.  I got pretty out of control, now I look back on it. Of course I thought I was just so happy that I was better. But two months later I crashed. And I mean totally crashed. It was just so sudden, I was severely depressed again. I started having panic attacks almost daily and I stopped going out at all, broke up with my boyfriend because I never wanted to see anyone...Thats lasted about 6 months now. Certainly seems like a cycle to me. And its ruining my life. Its ruined all of my relationships and I've had to drop two of my courses at college because I just cannot cope.

I also have really severe mood swings daily. One minute I can be really hyperactive, running around and laughing at EVERYTHING, then the next minute I'll be crying. And I really can't cope with it. (Though all of yesterday and today I've been really 'hypomanic' - theres just not another word for it. I haven't needed sleep, haven't needed food, been extremely hyper, gotten SO much work done...I'm hoping the depression is over for a while?!)

I'm going to talk to my psychologist about this soon, I suppose I just wanted some opinions? Answers? Reassurance? I'm so nervous!

Post Edited (AK93) : 3/20/2010 12:51:08 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 3/20/2010 9:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hey, I can relate not so much to the specifics but to what you are feeling now. When I was diagnosed I did a ton of research and things just started to make sense. It gets very confusing because we all have comorbid conditions and often times a mix of Depression and anxiety, or depression and add, or any other random mix can look a lot like bipolar. Similiarly bipolar can look a lot like that.

At this point no one here can really give you an "answer", for that you need a healthcare professional to sit down with you.

In my opinion, you know your body and feelings best. I didn't have the right terminology to describe how I feel until I researched bipolar disorder and learned all about it. As for reassurance, Rest Assured, there is HOPE!!! Whatever the diagnosis, arming yourself with the right knowledge, medication, support system and lifestyle will give you a very good chance at leading a happy healthy life. Start thinking about the future, a good place to start is to think about your daily actions and really choose whether or not to do those things. Specifically for me it is the daily use of some substance to cope with my fealings, I am slowly working them out of my body (These include semi-regular use of alcohol, tobacco, marijuana, and caffeine).

Just some thoughts! Welcome to the board, we are very open minded and non judgemental, just go read some of Happy Bill's posts!!!

Tainted
Posted 3/20/2010 11:47 PM (GMT 0)
Yeah. Meds will help. Gotta balance that out better. Rapid cycling came come as the result of SSRI's. darned if you do, darned if you don't. I live out in the woods, keep to as regular a schedule as possible and drink many cups of tea, everyday.
Posted 3/21/2010 12:40 PM (GMT 0)

  Hi there, welcome. For me it was the same when i was diagnosed, it just FELT completely right. It actually felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. Everything you describe does seem to be BP, especially the rapid cycling.

  Life does get better with treatment and meds. Thankfully you are still young and havnt had a chance to do the damage to your life and body us old coots have. smhair smhair   Trust me you havnt seen messed up until you see what some of us have done before we knew what was wrong. LOL LOL LOL

   I'm glad you are seeking treatment. Hope you get help and keep posting here, lots of insights here about what to do and what not to do. LOLLLOL

   Bill 

Posted 3/21/2010 4:26 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks, you all seem so nice here :D
Tainted, I know exactly what you mean about not having the right terminology to describe how you felt before you knew you were bipolar - now that I look back I've always had hypomanias but never understood what they were! I used to get seriously frustrated about it. My parents used to think I had ADHD because I got so energetic, haha! I feel like I finally know whats happening, its sort of a relief.
I've been really hypomanic for 3 days now! Its unreal, I was SO depressed the day before that and now I'm suddenly so happy I can't contain myself! :P I keep actually getting tears of happiness in my eyes :S And I've gotten more art coursework done than I have in weeks. Praying I'm still like this for my exam on thursday!

Thanks again everyone and I'll keep you posted. I see my psych on the 1st of April, I'm sort of excited haha.

Also, I was wondering, I don't EVER seem to have periods of normal mood. :S I'm either severely depressed or hypomanic (not sure if I've ever experienced actual mania). I can't remember ever being calm/normal (I was never even normal when I was REALLY young, I had pretty bad behavioural problems, it was always suspected that there was 'something wrong with me'). Does that mean anything at all? Are most people with bipolar like that?

Post Edited (AK93) : 3/21/2010 10:45:08 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 3/21/2010 4:44 PM (GMT 0)

  AK93, Understand that you can live with hypomanias if you can keep the worse of the syptoms under control. I still have daily hypomanic episodes and enjoy them greatly. However i now have control over my "issues" that led me to getting diagnosed in the first place. Sometimes i get to high, so i have to take some extra meds to bring me down.

   It tokk me about a year of living with my present medication level to realize i felt blah, no drive, no joy, no nothing. In short i was not Happy Bill of story and song. smilewinkgrin   So about 4 months ago i reduced my meds by half, and have regained a lot of the good effects of BP, hypomania, and a much watered down hypersexuality.  It took  awhile to get to this point, it didnt happen over night, but i now mostly have complete control over this beastie. Now i did say MOSTLY, the reason i put that bold is that some days it isnt in complete control so i need to identify that and take a full dose of my meds to get back on top of the beastie.

   I am living on the edge of control and out of control behavior. This balancing act takes a lot of work and time and effort to keep me safe and may not be for you. However with time and effort i have made it work for me so i can enjoy my life and not feel so spaced out.

   Happy Bill

Posted 3/21/2010 4:49 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks, yeah, I actually sort of really enjoy the hypomania - its like a break from the depression. And I just feel so creative and have so many ideas when I'm like this, its fantasic for my art C: Its just when I get TOO high I get really frustrated and restless that I don't like. (In any case, I still like it better than being depressed!)
I'm not sure if I'll even be given meds...my psych was really reluctant to give me antidepressants even when I really couldn't cope. Apparently I'm 'too young' and it can actually damage my brain or something? :S Apparently some psychs give out pills like candy though, and some are very careful about it. So frustrating!
Posted 3/21/2010 5:07 PM (GMT 0)

  Well i'm one of those with BP who doesnt take anti depresents. I take something called Respridone which helps take away the bad parts of mania. From time to time i do take soem celexa but as a sexual depresant, not an anti depresant.

   Yep, you get so many great ideas but you cant get them out, kinda like you get locked up in your mind and cant make any progress. Boy does that suck big time. LOL LOL My meds take that away so i can make some headway with my life. Manias can be just as destructive and bad as severe depressions.

   They tried me on abilify first to see if i responded to it. I did and it helped a bit. It was only when i went on the respridone that i finally felt and achieved peace in my life.

Bill

Posted 3/21/2010 5:27 PM (GMT 0)
Ahh I see! I'm glad you finally found the right solution C: I don't really think I get full manias, just hypomania. At least I think so! But my depressions tend to be very severe and long lasting. I was wondering, when I get hypomanic my heart beats really fast sometimes and I sort of overheat, is that normal?? And I get compulsions to do really stupid things, like steal stuff :S Stuff I don't even need. Thankfully I've never been caught, ha! I'm so sorry if I'm talking/asking alot, I'm just sort of excited/curious! I don't want to be a bother, though.
Posted 3/21/2010 7:17 PM (GMT 0)

  Yep, sounds like me. I have never been caught, now that i am medicated i have actually used what i learn to steal into catching shoplifters. I catch people no one else even looks at. LOL LOL

 Yep, stupid stuff. Been there, done that. And yes i get hot also, and my heart beats faster.

  One of the other things i do is excersise alot. It helps to clear out some of that excess energy. For me its cycling that helps work out my energy.

   Glad you understand what you are doing is bad, compulsions can be so hard to resist.  Thats what my meds do for me, it allows me to control the monsters inside of me that want to cheat or steal. Now understand, they are still there, however now i can make a concious choice as to whether or not i do something bad.

   Just trying to give you as much info before you talk to your doctor. Just because this person has a MD does not make them an expert in this desease. Unless they are also BP they cant even begin to imiagine what a hypomania feels like. Alot of docs will only have the book explanation to this desease. So for you knowage is power.

   Sorry about the bad  spelling, that i have never  been able to get right. .LOL LOL LOL

   Bill

Posted 3/21/2010 9:44 PM (GMT 0)
Quote:  "And I've gotten more art coursework done than I have in weeks. Praying I'm still like this for my exam on thursday!"

 This has always been a struggle for me in school, work, music, writing, relationships, and the list goes on. For me the big problem is that when I'm feeling great, I make plans that I may not be able to carry through with if I get depressed. Likewise, I missed so much class, even a few finals, because I was depressed and really "just didn't care if I flunked out", occasionally I was too hypomanic and KNEW that I was TOTALLY JUSTIFIED to skip the final because of....???? who really knows!!!  Basically, I knew that I was unstopable and that I would get an A in the class regardless of how much I skipped or how much work I missed. Sleep deprevation played a huge part in this too!

This is a big reason I decided to seek treatment. Like bill, I don't want to do away with my emotions or the hypomania, even the depression has it's place in writing and art, but I want to limit the depression so that I can carry through with plans that I make while hypomanic, and so that I don't hurt myself. I am just starting treatment on sleep meds (sleep is very important, and I don't get any) and a mood stabilizer called Lamictal that helps mostly with depression, but once at the right dose will smooth out the manias too.

"Rapid Cycling" means you have more than four cycles in a year, and for that reason I thought (before going to the doctor) "Well maybe I have something else, cause I have eight million cycles in a year".  I even read in a few articles (old articles) that to qualify as "major depression" or "mania" the mood had to last at least two weeks, but our understanding of bipolar is changing so much so often. The classic view of bipolar also indicates that there is a period of "normalcy" in between swings, but I generally never feel normal.

What made this all make sense for me was discovering what is called a "mixed state". Instead of thinking of bipolar as flipping from one pole to another, most people now view the two poles (mania and depression) as axi's on a graph. So while I generally am mostly hypomanic or depressed, it's not that there is a switch, rather as depression fades mania is on the rise. There is a period in there where I am BOTH depressed AND manic. This is when I am generally very anxious and confused, randomly cry for a minute and stop, sometimes it feels like I'm flipping between mania and depression every few minutes. It's almost as if two brains are struggling for control over my body. This is one of the hardest states to deal with, and the most dangerous in terms of self destructive behavior.

Not sure if this helps, but it helped me to get it all down in writing!

Don't worry about posting too much, I post a lot of long boring messages and nobody has complained ;)

Tainted

Posted 3/21/2010 10:42 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome, AK93 :)

I'm not sure exactly how old you are, but I will tell you this: My son, who is 7, is on low doses of Zoloft and risperidone. Bipolar does not just simply pop up when you're 18, as much as the docs would like to think so. It sounds like you would benefit quite a bit from meds. Are you seeing a psychiatrist or a regular primary care physician? While it's good that your doc isn't just handing out meds, he/she isn't doing anything to help you either. So much of this disorder is summoning up the courage to fight for what you know is right for your body. You know better than the doctor, lol. I decided a long time ago that I will just do my own research and essentially tell them (the doctors) what to do, but make it seem like it's their idea!!!

Anyway, welcome again :)
Posted 3/22/2010 10:38 AM (GMT 0)
I want to address Happy Bill's definition of rapid cycling. I always understood and experienced "Rapid Cycling" as occurring at most daily, back and forth and occasionally weekly. Never can I recall 3 or 4 months going by w/o a radical mood swing. I have had situational depression which has lasted months. I currently am in this state, mostly. However, through-out this elongated depression which has to do with horrible living conditions for the past 6 years but also due to losing my dad, Hubby serving Divorce papers (although agreeable with the divorce, it rakes up all kinds of mud), losing my Dad to cancer a week before Christmas, after a very long fight, and my lover dropping me, like kicked me to the curb. So, altogether it seems I have a "justifiable" depression. When I say "justifiable' I mean,; anybody, Bipolar or not, would be depressed after this series of events. Oh, and all of my family except two have labeled me a "monster"' although they themselves are in no position to judge anybody. Also, my physical health is taking a beating with Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis, so I am in "near constant" pain. Also I am not being treated adequately, for the pain. I also live below the poverty line, but it's getting crowded down here. I see a real live psychiatrist June 15th. First real psychiatrist visit since about last July. Otherwise I have been seeing a very good lady GP, who doesn't handle my pain meds at present, although that could change, and I have been seeing a Psychiatric Nurse in the interim. They can talk and listen but cannot prescribe meds. Right now, I have no meds. I take 5- HTP for depression and insomnia. It is an amino acid which brings calmness, L-Tryptophan. I buy this when on sale. It helps somewhat. It's the same stuff that's in Turkey, which brings on a calm, somnambulistic state. So, anyone else want to weigh in on the rapid Cycling issue? Thank-you.
Posted 3/22/2010 12:06 PM (GMT 0)
Ahh, thanks for clearing that up, Bill! I was wondering what the hell was wrong with me, my heart keeps beating so fast that I start shaking! Was a bit worried but not so much now, haha. Yeah, I do the whole excessive exercise thing! I did 3 hours in a row of dance yesterday to try and tire myself out because I was getting really frustrated. My parents don't tend to like me doing too much exercise though, they always think its because of my ED :| Its pretty much impossible to convince them otherwise.

Tainted, thats EXACTLY what happens to me! When I'm hypomanic I'm sure I can do pretty much ANYTHING and I bite off far more than I can chew - then when I go back to being really depressed I just cannot do it anymore :| Its like I totally lose sight of what I wanted to do in the first place. Thats why I had to drop one of my art courses. Oh, I get that mixed mood too, thats one of the things that made me feel sure that I was bipolar. Because I've NEVER been able to understand what the hell was going on when I felt like that, its the most frustrating mood ever. I usually get really angry when I'm like that, which is never good!

I was confused about moods having to last at least 2 weeks too!! I mean, I have some very long periods of depression and hypomania, but other times I can snap from one to the other without warning for in really short spaces of time. So I have no clue whether I'm rapid cycling or not, I'm not too sure what it is to be honest.

32flavors, I do see a psych regularly, I have been since June last year when I was diagnosed with anorexia - I stopped seeing him when I got really hypomanic (as I just thought I was doing great!) but a few months later after I got depressed again I realized I needed to start seeing a psych again. I'm sort of glad, since they got me a different one this time and I connect with her A LOT better. C:

By the way, you're all really helping me make sense of all this, thank you so much! :D I'm not so anxious about it now.
Posted 3/22/2010 12:18 PM (GMT 0)
And I was wondering, how on earth do you tell the difference between mania and hypomania? And when you were all diagnosed, what did the psych ask you about? Like, what exactly happened? I just want to be prepared because I am SO bad at talking about stuff!
Posted 3/22/2010 5:03 PM (GMT 0)
You know i may be wrong on the rapid cycling, need to look that up. I just call that rapid cycling because it seems to fit what happens to me.

Now for me i differenate mania and hypomania like this. Mania's BAD, Hypomanias GOOD> LOL LOL LOL Again trying to fit this desease to each of us as a one size fits all doesnt work well for me. If i am slipping into bad thoughts (And for me young lady it all revolves around sex and being faithful) i call that getting out of control and slipping into a mania. May not be the book definiation but it feels right to me.

And keep up the excersise, it is a great way to work out the excess energy that runs thru us. The medication allows me to take a step back from the energy and allow me to actually complete projects that i start. That is where you need to get some help because if you suffer thru that frustration after frustration of not getting things done it will wear on you and cause you troubles in the future.

Glad we can help, like i said before we are the only people who have a hope of really understanding you and what is going thru your mind.

Bill
Posted 3/22/2010 5:30 PM (GMT 0)
Hmmm I can't say that differentiating like that works for me, as sometimes when I'm pretty ceratin I'm just hypomanic and not manic, it definitely feels bad. Like RIGHT NOW for instance! Just about 2 hours ago I stopped being all happy and euphoric and started being REALLY irritable and twitchy, my head is just....too NOISY. Its the only way I can describe it. I've shut myself away upstairs because I just kept snapping at everyone and I'm sick of it. :/ I just wish I could relaxxxxx! Sorry I'm sort of venting hahaa!

I really get what you mean bout the 'bad thoughts' though. For me it tends to be mostly drinking and drugs. And stealing from people. And binge eating - THAT is the most self destructive thing I do! And sex, too. SO many times I've confused myself from, erm, 'getting involved' with girls when I'm darn sure I'm not gay or even bi! Its like I just have NO morals when I'm like that. I don't think things through. I feel relieved that I finally think I understand why I do these things, though C:
Posted 3/22/2010 6:44 PM (GMT 0)
Yep, same thing for me. When sex and manias are concerned i have no control and even though im not bi, when im out of control either will do.

Racing thoughts, yep those suck also. I let them run their course but they can be tiresome.

You are not rapid cycling, you are cranky and irritable because you are exhaused. Hypomanias can and will wear you out. By the end of a cycle for me (4-5 days) i am a bit cranky also. LOL LOL

Definetly get something to get the manias under control Hypos feel good and generally are non harmful to you . Manias in my book cause you to do bad things, drugs, alchol, self destructive behavior, sex, stealing, the works. Manias have their own series of minefields you have to learn to get thru. Trust me once you get on the meds you will feel a lot better. Than once you get some time "normal" you can then start to adjust your meds to get some of the benifits of BP.

Bill
Posted 3/22/2010 9:11 PM (GMT 0)

Here are definitions from a paper I found that was meant for healthcare professionals to give to patients and family. The full article is over 100 pages and contains the data from a survey of many doctors regarding the efficacy of different treatments, but in my opinion the data (and maybe even these definitions) is dated. It is from 2000. The full article can be found here :

http://www.psychguides.com/Bipolar_2000.pdf

Page 97:

Mania (manic episode). Mania often begins with a pleasurable sense
of heightened energy, creativity, and social ease. However, these
feelings quickly progress to full-blown euphoria (extremely elevated
mood) or severe irritability. People with mania typically lack insight,
deny that anything is wrong, and angrily blame anyone who points
out a problem. In a manic episode, the following symptoms are
present for at least 1 week and make it very difficult for the person to
function:


● Feeling unusually “high,” euphoric, or irritable

Plus at least 4 of the following symptoms:

● Needing little sleep yet having great amounts of energy
● Talking so fast that others cannot follow you
● Having racing thoughts
● Being so easily distracted that your attention shifts between
many topics in just a few minutes
● Having an inflated feeling of power, greatness, or importance
● Doing reckless things without concern about possible bad
consequences (e.g., spending too much money, inappropriate
sexual activity, or making foolish business investments)


In severe cases, the person may also experience psychotic symptoms
such as hallucinations (hearing or seeing things that are not there) or
delusions (firmly believing things that are not true).

Hypomania (hypomanic episode).

Hypomania is a milder form of
mania that has similar but less severe symptoms and causes less
impairment. During a hypomanic episode, the person may have an
elevated mood, feel better than usual, and be more productive. These
episodes often feel good and the quest for hypomania may even cause
some individuals with bipolar disorder to stop their medication.
However, hypomania can rarely be maintained indefinitely, and is
often followed by an escalation to mania or a crash to depression.

If you are a scientific type you might enjoy the whole article, but even if you're not, check out the section from pages about 97-105, they are worth a read. Probably stuff you've heard before, and again it is 10 years old, but I found it interesting. I also printed that section and gave it to my parents to read.

Hope it helps!

Posted 3/22/2010 10:34 PM (GMT 0)

  Tainted great post. Wow, i am completely and totally screwed up. LOL LOL They could just put my picture next to that Mania quote and it would be me in a nutshell.

  Heck, why do you think my jobs have a dangerous outlook to them, Bomb Disposel, Firefighter, and now Loss Prevention. For what ever reason i am drawn to jobs or behaviors that others consider risky.

   For what ever reason drug and alchol never had any interest for me. Weird.

   Bill

Posted 3/23/2010 6:05 AM (GMT 0)
Bill, I recall an interview with Ted Nugent where talked about his notorious sexual appetite. He said something about how he never touched drugs, they did not interest him, but sex and the quest for it were to him what drinking and doing drugs were to many of his rock and roll friends.

In the end this disorder presents itself in so many ways in so many people. For me, I have dabbled in it all, but have yet to be TOTALLY out of control with any one thing. My whole life I have switched from sex to a substance back to sex, maybe to religion for a while, then to video games, back to sex, then to drugs. My exploits in each of these are probably less severe than many people, but I think that comes with the variety.

Now I am trying to find productive things to channel this into, like music, writing, work, and most recently research and discovering who I am. This same weakness of being an addict (to anything, sex, drugs, religion, exercise) can get out of control, but as we've all mentioned before, if channeled it is what allows us to excell so much at what we do if we are focussed and disciplined.

I may have already used this quote, but it is fitting (and dangerous, take it with a block of salt!!!)

"The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom." -- William Blake, The Proverbs Of Hell from The Marriage of Heaven and Hell.

Cheers!
Tainted
Posted 3/23/2010 6:17 PM (GMT 0)
Ha I'm still confused about it. I get ALL of those symptoms of mania you listed, but I find it hard to beleive. I don't know. Most of the time I feel GOOD (apart from the angryness, of course) when I'm like that, not crazy..its too confusing.

I have had such a weird day with my moods today. I don't understand myself at all. I woke up all hyper and irritable again (WELL I say woke up, but I didn't really sleep to tell the truth) and I just gradually got more and more angry until I couldn't take it. I did a stupid thing out of desperation, but never mind that. It was like I was still so energetic but somehow really sad and hopeless and empty at the same time, I got SO desperate, I ended up phoning my psych because I didn't know what to do...Then a few hours later I felt fine again. Snap, and its like nothing ever happened. What the hell, seriously? It happens all the time and it just makes me feel so stupid! :S Does this happen to any of you? I just...grrr! So confused!
Posted 3/23/2010 8:45 PM (GMT 0)
Yes, that happens to me. Especially after not sleeping or when I'm hypomanic and start to get depressed, or in the past when I stop using a particularly addictive substance after a short bender. You may very well be bipolar, many of your symptoms fit very well. This particular one sounds like a mixed state for me when I'm more manic than depressed and I'm stressed or anxious.

I'm glad you are calling your doc, because this is a sign of getting out of control. That is what scares me a lot with this disorder, the brief moments where I am out of control and the thought of those episodes getting longer and more severe.

Good luck with the doc!

Posted 3/24/2010 1:16 AM (GMT 0)
Those short-term mood swings happen for me.. they drive me crazy.. i can't understand how i can be floating on cloud 9 and then suddenly crash into depression.. like someone flipped a switch..
Don't know if they happen when i'm manic or depressed but definitely when i'm mixed, as far as i can tell...
Posted 3/24/2010 12:54 PM (GMT 0)
I know, it really is like someone just flips a switch :| I hate afterwards when I feel 'normal' again, and I just realise all the things I just said and how crazy I must have seemed.

Ahh, 1 week to go until I get to see my psych. :| Shes fully booked before then, mann I feel like I'm going to pop before I get to talk to her! She called me this morning but I don't want to just blurt out over the phone that I think I'm bipolar, ha. I'm not sure how to bring it up at all :S Weird thing to talk about.
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