Frustrated and Need Help, Advise, and to talk to people like me

This will be a fairly long post as I will try to give my back-story first before getting to current issues. Please be patient with me.
I am a 40 year old male, living in South Carolina.

To begin with, about a year ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and severe depression. I have been seeing the same Psychiatrist since. (Do you use an acronym?) We have been through numerous drugs and still looking for that right combination. I also have 2 degenerating disks in my lower back for which I see a Pain Specialist monthly for chronic pain. I am on some pretty strong stuff now.
(med listing at bottom) I have also been unemployed since January of 2009 in part due to bipolar disorder and in part due to the particular circumstance at this employer. I have been living off unemployment since then. about a year ago, I filled for disability and continue to work with the lawyers on this. Hopefully, I should have a decision on this in the next 2 months. Even though I filled for disability, I have been applying for positions on and off with differing degrees of enthusiasm for the last year. No luck whatsoever. This is the worst employment situation I have ever seen.
I am also going through a divorce with two children involved, who are my life. My son is 9 and my daughter is 5. The divorce should be final in September, if I'm lucky.

Now, if you're not ready to jump off a building, read on.......

The drugs I am taking for Bipolar disorder are not working for me right now. (see med list at bottom) I might wake up one day and feel fairly good. I will function normally and get done what I need to do. Other days I might wake up and feel as though there is nothing in the world that will get me out of bed. I get up and go through the day in slow motion, with everything I do taking every bit of effort and energy I have in my body. I have a serious problem getting up in the mornings. I even bought an alarm clock that has an attachment that shakes the bed. That doesn't work either. It also does not matter what time I go to bed, same result. Some days I get up, feel good, and have all the energy in the world. I am productive and accomplish things that need to be done throughout the day. I often think to myself, how in the hell am I going to go back to work and support myself when I have no idea which person I will wake up as? On my bad days, there is no way I could go to work, be productive, and keep my mind focused on what I'm doing. I really WANT to go back to work! I enjoy working and always have. Before my illness got so bad, I was a professional manager making good money and with lots of ambition and possibilities. I want to be that person again but I just don't see it hapenning right now. I guess you could say I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am not scheduled to see my Psych until June, but I have a call into him to see me early, but have heard nothing yet.

I am coming here to vent, to get advise, and mostly to talk to people who are going, or have been, through what I am right now. I am very open and willing to give whatever information that is needed to feel better about myself and my situation.

Current Med Listing:
Bipolar meds:
Gabapentin (Neurontin) 300mg 3 times a day
Citalopram (Celexa) 40mg once a day at night
Vyvance 70mg once a day in the morning
Pain Meds:
Morphine Sulfate 100mg twice a day
Oxycodone 30mg twice a day as needed
Clonazepam (Klonopin) 2mg 2 pills once a day at night
I am also taking 250mg of Genseng and 315mg of Green Tea Extract

I hope I can find some comfort here.
Thank you,
Darren

Morphine has a tendancy to make people sleepy. That could be part of your problem. Maybe they could switch it to oxycontin or something. Or have you already tried that?

I take adderall for energy from fatigue. It works good for me. Maybe you could try something like that.

I know that there isn't out there much in the line of work these days. I hope that you get your disability. And I hope that you are able to get in to see your pdoc early.

Take care, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen

hey Bill - have I ever mention that I am jealous of your hypomania?  I supposedly have the "perfect" BP treatment: stability (except if I forget my meds!!!) with zero side effects.

I do like stability a lot, but I miss everything I could accomplish with hypomania.  Of course I'm coming out of 4 weeks of being messed up, so I am REALLY behind on house work etc and that influences how I feel about it.

Then again, hypomania for me is ALWAYS followed by a deep, dark depression - so maybe I don't miss it after all.

@ Darren - There are a bunch of people (myself included) that sleep through the depressions.  I am rapid-cycling, so it doesn't last long.  I am safest if I am asleep.  I might sleep 20+ hours during a bad depressive spell.  If I manage to stay awake, I'm on the couch staring at nothing, or distracting myself by watching TV.  or eating.

The best way for me to cope with the "how is today going to be?!" worry is by setting a routine.  Get up the EXACT same time every morning - even weekends.  And do the same thing.  I used to get up early, get dressed quickly, get in the car and listen to polka music on my 25 min. commute.  No one can be crabby while listening to polka.  lol  During this time I got the HUGEST compliment (sort of) from a coworker.  She grumbled at me "You're always in the same mood!"  That made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  little did she know...

Having something that I am responsible for really helps.  When I was working in dog kennels, I would get up because the dogs would suffer if I was late and there was no one else that could or would do my job.  I couldn't get up for ME, but I could get up for THEM.  Maybe there is somewhere you can volunteer?  Like an animal shelter?

I struggled a lot because I got sucked into the concept of a monring routine as cooking and eating breakfast, washing dishes, packing lunch...  and that's not me.  My morning routine is about 5 minutes.  But it is enough. 

For most BP-ers, sleep is like a reset button.  It is pretty magical for me - I wake up at a balanced mood.  However, something can set off a bad state about instantly.  If I wake up with cold feet - my day is crewed up.  My mom would wake me up yelling when I was a kid and it would ruin my day.

I know I'll wake up balanced, but I need to take control of those first few minutes after I wake up to stay stable a little longer - hopefully the whole day.

Conquering the sleep-wake cycle is the biggest challenge of BP (IMO).  It is also one of the most effective treatments.

If the drugs aren't working, then it is time for you and your doc to make a change or two.  Klonopin has a 30 hour half life which means it is still in your blood in the morning and it is sedating.  ( I have been on 4 mg at night for 15 years and  I am groggy in the morning).  Luckily I am self-employed and can makr my own hours.  Moenings are always bad for me as far as depression goes.  But by noon I have enough energy to get to work, then work  until 8pm.  As long as I stay busy with clients I do OK.  Second I have a two hour span brtween clients I crash.  And then sometimes I get a Truly very BP client who pushes every button on me.  I worry a bit about pain meds adding yo your depression.  I am assuming your psych doc knows about these.  Yake things a step at a time.  If the whole idea of getting ready for work feels overwhelming to you, break it down to pieces, like OK, first thing I do is get out of bed....OK, it was a struggle but I did it...hurray for me.  Next all I have to handle is a shower...accomplish that...well,done.  Nad so on.

I have days I just can't work.  I am feeling too needy myself to be able to help needy people, so my husband calls me in sick and reschedules my client.  I also find it easier to take a 3 day weekend. (even if it means I work longer hours the other 4 days.  I was diagnosed BP over 25 years ago, been married 41 years (I have put my poor husband thru hell with my mood swings  abd raised 2 sins.  I am not bragging because I think because of depression I did a half-ass job on ther personal level.  BUT I learned one thing even tho BP seems to consume your life, you need to practice finding one good thing each day that momentarily made you feel good.   Also, longing for your "old" self back I think is the worse part of BP, espeically with BP you are quite the different person than you used to be.  I had a weird thing happen not too long ago.  For 6 days I totally felt like the old me.  It was awesome....then wham, it disappeared again when depression struck.  I was devastated.  I feel throughout being BP I have been "chasing" the real me.  So I know how you feel.

Well, I have been wordy enough...the wordyness and the fact I have been up since midnight and it's 3:30am would indicate I am headed towards some hypomania.

It is VERY unethical for a doctor to just drop you with no referral.  Here in Michigan, I cannot just drop a client without providing them with 3 referrals to other docs.  If I didn't give referrals, it is considered abandonment and puts my license at serious risk.

Yup.  He has a medical license through the state.  You should be able to find the licensure website for your state with info for complaints and even viewing if he has had any disciplinary action against him.

Southerngent, this is what I think which doesn't amount to crap lol.  Klopin's was making me tired as hell and counter reacting my other medications so beware of that.  The oldest medication out there is what worked for me Lithium.  I also take Vyvanse and sometimes I can't function without it so hang in there.  It's hard knowing what you once was and not being able to get back to that.  I had a major nervous breakdown and I am still trying to get me back so I am with you on that.  Everything your taking to bring you up is great but things like klopin are downers.  Get off the downers.  It's hard but thier not helping at all.  I have no experience with neurontin but check side effects sounds like your over medicated.  I hope this helps you in some way.  My doc told me it's better to have a lil anxiety than to have none at all.  The genesing and green tea could also be reacting with your meds just check around.  For people who take no medication it's fine for people who do it's not so great it can interact with your meds and make them all wrong.  Just know there are people everywhere just like yourself so hang in and hang on.

Thanks for the responces all. That's why I like this forum. Anyway, after 4 days of pure misury, I talked to the new pdoc and he asked me to re-start the Vyvance. Guess what, feel better after taking just one darned pill.
I havn't had any issues with the Lithium so far and have been on Lexapro before. I expect him to take me off the Neurontin the next visit. I am taking 300mg now and really can't see it's doing much. I just HOPE TO HELL this guy knows what he's doing and can get me back to a "normal" life. Whatever the hell that is.

As far as employment, I am waiting for 2 things. One, I want to make darned sure I can physically and mentally handle a full time job again before I get into it. I think with this new doc I'm on my way. Second, I am nearing the end of the 2nd appeal for my disability claim. I would at least like to know what the outcome of that is before I start working. The perfect plan for me would be to get approved for disability, which would allow me to get on my feet and save some money, and then return to work in a couple years.
Who knows, that could change tomorrow. As long as my symptoms and issues are being controlled by the RIGHT medications, I have options.

Bipolar, OCD, Depression