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Having a really hard day

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Posted 6/16/2010 5:15 PM (GMT 0)
Hi guys,

Sorry for this post, but it's 1pm, I'm at work and I have been struggling since I got out of bed this morning. I am severly depressed today, and I mean severe. Thoughts of not wanting to live through this (not to end my life) but maybe just wished I didn't exist and just feeling like I cannot fight this anymore. I am in my office fighting off panic attacks and crying.

I texted bf this morning to let him know (reaching out) how I was feeling and he sent one back saying he was sorry to hear I wasn't well today. That was a comfort; to know he is concerned...I am extremely anxious right now. I cannot sit still, I cannot concentrate, and I am having extreme shortness of breath and racing, pounding heart. I just took a clonazepam....

Ugh, this is one day that I am freaking out b/c I feel like I can't cope no matter what. I feel like I have no control over this today....

I know I have so much going on; so much I am dealing with...so the state I'm in is understandable. I just can't express how much it has impaired me today. I would go home, but I've already used so much sick time....

Anyway, thanks for reading. I needed to post on here to ppl who know what I am going through today.

Hugs,

Mogs

 

Posted 6/16/2010 6:27 PM (GMT 0)
I know how you feel. It is always good to talk about how your feeling. I have felt really down lately also, I am unable to work because of chronic pain, and I have suffered from depression for years. (even before my accident) I normally just try to get thought the day hour by hour. Just remember you are loved and things should look up. I know it is hard to stay positive. Try to treat yourself after work. Hope you feel better soon.
Posted 6/17/2010 2:45 AM (GMT 0)
Hey, MOgs, sorry to hear about your bad day. Must be something in the air because i had a rapid cycling spell last night. Unfortunually my wife wasnt there for me, she rarely is. So i suffer in silence, work my but off, and take joy in the things that i enjoy.

Hope you feel better soon. Bill
Posted 6/17/2010 12:15 PM (GMT 0)

Thank you both so much. Today is the same. So depressed I don't want to go on.

I don't know how I got here to work and I don't know how on earth I am going to be able to stay here today, but I have to....

I am going to try to keep myself busy, but it's hard b/c I can't concentrate and my motivation is nil.

Anyway, warning: I may post again today; again you guys are the ones who get it. I may call crisis if I need to as well...

Mogs


Posted 6/17/2010 11:53 PM (GMT 0)
Today is really crappy for me as well.  I had to have injections in my neck (16 in total)  I started to cry when it was over.  I just don't know what to do.  I have had it with everything that I have to go through on a daily basis.  It just really sucks.  I wish i could go back to work because at least I would have something to do.  I have to go....
Posted 6/18/2010 1:42 AM (GMT 0)
Hello, I am sorry for what you are going through. I am not sure I understand the part about the injections in your neck? It seems like you are feeling the depression like I am. Well I am right there with ya. Hang in there, I know it's hard. Keep posting, I am here to help you as well.
Posted 6/19/2010 5:27 AM (GMT 0)
Mogs..
I think one of the hardest parts of being BP is feeling like you have no control over it....It controls you and despite efforts to be OK and sane, BP seems to take on a life of its own. Gotta say, that frustrates the heck out of me. And I understand your feeling of not wanting tor exist...I think rhar just shows how much you want to escape what you are going thru. I am sorry you are having a crappy day...I hope tomorrow is better for you.
Posted 6/19/2010 5:27 AM (GMT 0)
Mogs..
I think one of the hardest parts of being BP is feeling like you have no control over it....It controls you and despite efforts to be OK and sane, BP seems to take on a life of its own. Gotta say, that frustrates the heck out of me. And I understand your feeling of not wanting tor exist...I think rhar just shows how much you want to escape what you are going thru. I am sorry you are having a crappy day...I hope tomorrow is better for you.
Posted 6/20/2010 11:28 PM (GMT 0)
Hey horsecrazy,

Thanks for reaching out. Last week was super horrible at work; very hard to get through, especially the last few days. Kept busy this weekend. Got to see my sister and nephew today so that was awesome and got to spend time with one of my girlfriends yesterday, so it was good. Now it is Sunday night I am abosultely dreading going back to work to my office.

I had a few drinks this weekend, which I vowed a couple weeks ago, I was going to stay away from it. However, I did only have a few, never felt effects just drank really really slow and enjoyed the weather and company of my friend.

Meds were so so this weekend. I missed two doses. I am making sure that I fill my dosette tonight.

I am going to stick to routine again this week, and my goal is to walk three nights this week and get on my bike once.

Anyway, hope you are well and thanks again for the support. I really does get to the point sometimes where we just would give anything to not feel what we are feeling. It's sad and hard and painful. But I am sooo glad that I have you all here to talk to. I honestly don't know what I would do if HW was not a source of support for me in my life.

Take special care and sending hugs,

Mogs.

Posted 6/21/2010 6:08 PM (GMT 0)

UGH....thought I would post in the same thread, since today has been so awful. I still have two hours left of work. This day has lasted forever. I feel like it should now be Wednesday at least. shakehead

Still depressed; much worse here at work. That really gets me b/c for years I worked in call centers which totally stressed me out, burned me out etc. I never thought I would survive it. When I quit the last one I was in and decided to go back to school for Medical Office Assistant, I had no idea I would end up here at the hospital working for three psychiatrists. I am very proud of myself, but hate that I drag myself through everyday. I hate that I am still suffering. If I really think about it though...this job does not carry the same stress level (that's a plus) and it pays way beyond any wage I've ever made. I have been thinking a lot lately how lucky I am to have this job and how I want to hang onto it no matter what. I want this to be my 30 year career!

I know for a fact that the Mirapex is just not helping. So that has me even more down. I can't tolerate most of the meds out there, so I am contemplating being on just the Lamictal??? Although I have serious doubts that will work.... I have been on everything and am not allowed to be on antidepressants. sad I have no idea what I am going to do. Three more weeks until I see pdoc. Might move that up...

Relationship w bf is just a big fat question mark to me. I know the Mirapex is affecting my sex drive; but I also don't want any interpersonal contact between us. I am just pulling further and further away....there are multiple reasons.

Okay, I can't even hold my head up here at work. I'm going to close my door and put my head down. WOW I need to be at home....

Sorry guys, thanks for letting me vent...

Posted 6/21/2010 8:02 PM (GMT 0)

Sorry to hear you are having a bad day.  It really comes through your posts that you are stressed and confused about your relationship.  That is so hard!

(((hug)))

Posted 6/22/2010 12:45 PM (GMT 0)

Hi,

Ugh, I am at work. I don't know how. I can barely move, type or keep my head up.  I am desperate for a mental health day but can't afford any more sick time.

My relationship. Here is what I think: There are issues between us. But! He is overall a wonderful guy who I can trust to never betray me and to love me a lot. He really does love me a lot. I have been the one who is pushing him away. Sure during times when I am depressed and anxious, we struggle. But I think since I'm depressed most of the time, I am looking at it not necessarily in the right way. I'll explain: He does comfort me sometimes when I am ill. Other times he does not, and the times that he yells at me, well that is wrong. I do need to talk to him about it when we are not fighting. But for the most part it's in between. He's not really comforting me and he's not yelling at me. I just feel the way I feel, and he is just there probably not even knowing what is going on inside of me. I think the biggest thing for me is this depression. I am going to call pdoc and have my 3 week appointment moved up. The depression is causing me to pull as far away from him as I can. But when I think of life without him, (and this thinking is through the thick fog in my brain) I can't imagine him not being my partner.  WOW, I can't believe I managed just now to sort all of that out.

Okay so now I am even more exhausted than I was when I got to work less than an hour ago.

Thanks for posting and wish me luck getting through this day. I honestly feel that I am going to be on the phone with crisis today. sad

Posted 6/22/2010 12:47 PM (GMT 0)
You will make it through the day.  (((hugs)))

Posted 6/22/2010 2:53 PM (GMT 0)
"You may be out of my sight, but never out of my mind. Thinking of You!" 
smile...if only for a moment and know that you are loved and not alone.
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