Tortoise's Stupid Experiment Thread

I did get a blood glucose meter. Last winter a Dr. wanted me to try it, but I didn't have money at the time to buy the equipment. I am hoping for a definitive - yes or no - answer to my questions.

I also scheduled a pdoc appointment 2 - 3 weeks out.

Morning blood sugar is low, but still within normal, and I don't have mood or physical symptoms.

My hypomania is always followed by a depression. Big, sudden crash. I tend to first binge on sugary-crap-junk-food and then not eat when hypomanic. Is this as simple as a big blood sugar crash?

I'm antsy to confirm or deny, but I have to trigger moods swings in order to do that! lol

Not doing so good.  I'm angry.  I'm not exactly sure why I am angry NOW.  I was angry earlier over being upset about not getting much sex lately.  Not only sex, but not spending much time together, feel like my home life is falling apart (because of not being home, housework not getting done, not eating meals together).  I'm avoiding being home.  Avoiding sleeping in bed at night with him.  Finding human connection elsewhere. 

I got over it, worked on christmas gifts I am sewing for the little ones this year - animal puppets!  I poked around online - mostly about a dog training challenge.  Then realized its  close to 2 a.m. and that I'm tired.  I picked up my projects, went to bed.  Not going to happen.  Grabbed a blanket and am out on the couch.

Tomorrow --  not looking so good.  I work tomorrow and meet a friend in the middle of the day.  Including commute - it's going to be an 11-hour day.  This is usually my favorite day of the week, but now I am dreading it.  A $50 giftcard to my favorite store isn't helping.  I don't want to go out.

So - yay me! - I DID recognize a super-mild hypomania - if I could even call it that.  I guess is just crept up on me and the only way I could tell was a pattern of behavior I recognized.  And now I'm on the downside.

It is mild, but no less frustrating.  I'm in no danger to hurt myself or do something stupid...  OK I overspent approx $300 and committed to spending another $150.  HOLY CRAP!  I didn't add that up.  Considering my entire disposable income is $100 per MONTH, that's a big deal.  I probably spent more than that - I haven't checked my accounts and that is only what I remember.  I guess I did notice I was shopping more lately.  Whoops.

Now I'm even more frustrated because I thought I had been hanging in there fairly well - considering.  I'm angry because I missed it.  I'm angry because I haven't been exercising, meditating, journaling.  I haven't been home to do it!  I've been shopping, training the dogs, visiting friends.  Tonight we picked up my SO's new SUV.

SO is frustrated with me not cooking.  We don't buy very much "convenience" food and it looks pretty empty around here.  I am frustrated with not having food to eat.  I've been skipping A LOT of meals.  I am frustrated with being working on so many things at the same time and feeling scattered.  How can I finish it all?  I am so angry with myself over not having done housework - it is a major thing to keep me well.

I (figuratively) want to curl up in a ball and die.  Meaning I am frustrating, I see no hope for success and I don't want to try.  I want tonight to be over.  I want relief from this.  I want another day, unaffected by today.

NOW I know why I am angry.  I am angry because I suck at life.

I am surprised by how quickly my thoughts change.  I am sure I will not be offered the job I applied for.  Until now, I was confident I would get it (if I wanted it)....  hypomania much?  I don't want to work (nevermind that the structure would help me).  I don't care about my hobbies - that I was working on cheerfully a few hours ago.  And I don't give a d*mn about my passions - the ones I was pursuing fully this afternoon.  This is wicked. 

What is real?  Do I want a job or not?  Do I have a hobby or not?  Do I have passions or not?  Do I love my SO or do I want out of here?  Do I want to be well?  What is healthy?

Only one observation I know to be a concrete fact, absolute truth.  Twice, when I've gotten angry, I've been in a fasting state and had recently taken my blood sugar.  Each time, when I recognized the change in my mood with a physical symptom, I retook it.  Both times, my blood sugar was up about 10 mg/dL.  One time I was having body chills, my fingers were purple.  The other, my skin feels hot.  Actually now, it has passed (10 minutes) and I feel chilly and clamy.  Maybe I missed the "hot flash" the first time and only noticed the chill?

I am a little better today.  Even with all the napping yesterday, I still slept all night and I felt so much better in the morning.  (Totally normal and fine.)

I had a snack of dry roasted, unsalted peanuts for breakfast, and I can tell it is time for me to eat something again.  I'm not sure what, but I'm not opening the fridge until I've picked something not-sugary to eat.  :)

I'm a little edgey/impatient now.  I think I pushed myself a little further than I should have.  DS and I went shopping this morning:  WalMart, Farm & Fleet, the bank, and the library.  I needed to go grocery shopping and to the post office, but I didn't have patience!!!  I'm taking a break on the couch and then getting things together for later.  I have 90# of rabbit feed I need to carry back to the rabbitry and I'm physically not feeling able.  Maybe I can get some energy back and feel better.

I'm going to have to use more self-care/coping devices to get through today!  Completing tasks off my to-do list will go a long way to help me feel better.  I am physically tired - my muscles feel weak and I dont have much stamina.  I'll see what I can do.  :S

I'm up and stable this morning. I experienced something last night - I'm not sure what it was but it felt like the affects of me + caffiene. Except there was no crash to depression. I did finally fall asleep.

I think/hope I can handle the stress today. I made my day into a stress sandwich. Starting out seeing a GOOD friend I can confide in. Then dealing with visitation. Then going back to see my friend. Then picking up the little guy and seeing another friend. My SO gave me his cell phone to take with for the day.

I'm wearing comfy/cute clothes and I'm going to fix up my hair and put on makeup so that I feel confident all day. Meditation CD in the car with me. I WILL be OK today.

Actually, I'm not worried so much about today, but I am worried about crashing tonight when I can get home and let down my guard. I know it is a risk, so I need to take care of myself to minimize (hopefully eliminate) it.

Hey tortoise,

Apologies that I've been absent on this thread. I have been reading. Love that you're keeping up with posting your journey. I admire that you have freedom from work to fill your days at times with safe, positive things...example, having a friend with you.

I have amazing friends, but we all work and I never get to see them. And out of my "live" support people, my girlfriends are the most understanding. They even engage in my bp conversations.

I am trying to eat better. But I know it's not to the extreme it could be; example significant decrease in sugar, cut out caffiene, alcohol (just occaisonal). One good thing I did was go for a walk last night with a co-worker in the park. We walked for an hour! That's the first exercise I've been able to do in 6 weeks! I am going to try and go for another walk in the park tomorrow. Bf said he would go with me.

Anyway, glad you are feeling well today and had a good day yesterday.

Mogs

I never did eat my real food yesterday. I had a sweet granola bar and the had a very, very bad morning. SO came home at lunch, looks around and says "so what DID you do today." grrr. That was more than I could handle in my almost-emotional state and put me over the edge. I sat in the bedroom and cried while he had lunch. Got up when he left, ate a high-fat snack, and started to feel better in about a 1/2 hour. 3 more snacks and I was good to go. Felt like a normal person. It was great!

I am really hurting in the bedroom area. My SO doesn't want as much as I do. His interest has tapered off. But the thing that I can't handle is rejection. Last night, I told him I couldn't handle anymore rejection this week and asked if he was interested and he said "maybe." So I brush my teeth and get naked and he won't even roll over to give me a hug or kiss. WTH?! Can't he just say no? I broke down and started crying, then I got ANGRY. Took my blanket, pillow, my son and we slept in the car. My plan was to drive up to the campsite and sleep in the tent, but I was almost out of gas and forgot my wallet at home. Grrr... Told my little guy that we were going "car-camping" and we curled up together. Had the dog with (he'll bark) and the doors locked, so we were safe. My son woke up early and had to go potty, so we came home at 5:00. No morning hug/kiss from SO. I'm very hurt. I'm still angry. I never can stay angry at anyone - this is a little remarkable and it hurts so bad that I can be angry with the man I love so much. Keep trying to tell myself to hang in there - that it is temporary. But this bedroom rejection has been going on for weeks - maybe even months now. I am hot, I am GOOD in bed, so what is so terribly wrong with me that he doesn't want me anymore?!

Today, I had an apple (not a good choice) and dry-roasted-unsalted peanuts (good choice) for breakfast. It has been an hour and I am still OK, so looks like today will be a good day as long as I stay away from sugar. :)

We leave tonight to go camping and because of what happened last night... I don't even want to go. I don't want to be with him 24 hrs for 3 days, knowing I won't get any (sleeping in a tent with a toddler). At the end of camping is dealing with my XDH and visitation - now I'm freaking out because I can't handle that "on empty!"

And no - not having a mood swing or anxiety attack! :D Pretty strange to have emotion out of an episode, but I'm starting to get used to it. I have to go get ready for today. I will probably be gone until Sunday afternoon. Play nice and take care of each other until I get back. XOXO

I go see my nutritionist today - so excited! And worried that she will be upset with me for my bad eating. I see a new pdoc next week. I'm worried about that too.

Thanks for the reminder. :) My SO is getting ready to leave for a fishing trip and I am getting ready to paint the house while he is gone! Can't wait!

One of my clients had a service dog that litterally stopped working, so I gave her my service dog. We have a couple diagnoses in common so it will be easy for the dog to transfer his skills. She needs the dog much more than I do since making diet changes!

So I have a super high-maintenance dog now. I would love to show you all photos and video of her, but that would reveal my identity. :(

I am having a hard time with the diet. I'm healthy and not having mood swings. That is good. But if I eat the beans that my nutritionist wants me to eat, I feel really full and don't want to eat the 1-1/2 cups of nuts. That is a HUGE amount. But it saves me from my binge eating and sugar addiction. I guess I won't get the full benefit of this diet - it is supposed to clear up my skin and do some other stuff too - but I'm not suffering with mood swings.

You are what you eat. I'm going to start sounding like a broken record. This has made such an enormus difference in my life that I won't be able to keep myself from urging each and every one of you to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Physically.

We get good at coping with mood swings, but a lot of our coping mechanisms end up making the future worse! It has taken almost a full month to get back onto a healthy diet since that vacation I took with my SO's family. I was so physically and emotionally sick after that. I had no self-control, my moods were everywhere, my sleeping habits were messed up - making moods worse and putting tension in my relationships. I was beginning to binge eat, I gained a whole bunch of weight too!

I'm back on the diet - a little different now, and a little less strict. But I'm feeling good. For those of you interested in details, here are some changes:

Adding 3 (1/2 cup) servings of beans per day
Adding 1 (4 oz) serving of meat/egg/fish/seafood
Adding 1-1/2 CUPS of nuts or seeds

Reducing vegetables to 3 - 5 (1/2 cup) servings

Stopped the vitamins. I couldn't tell much of a difference. I might try them again? I'd hate for them to sit in the bottle wasted.

Relaxed some of my "no sugar" rule to allow condiments without guilt. This makes it so much easier.

I am allowing myself a tortilla, or 1/2 a piece of fruit. My nutritionist is going to yell at me for it. But I have good reason. The tortilla is a method of getting beans into my diet. I like hummus wraps and refried beans / mexican food. I am more likely to eat beans when I can have a tortilla. After eating, I can be satisfied but have a craving for apple. 2 slices satisfies me. I am very careful that I don't have hidden sugars in my diet, so this little bit helps me a lot. I know I can't have fruit as a snack or on an empty stomach because it will start sugar cravings and, most likely, a sugar binge.

I am doing much better and not needing the constant self-monitoring and self-care. A lot of that anxiety is gone. Today, I had a stressful morning, but by now, I was able to identify very exactly what the stressors were and resolve them. Like a normal healthy person with good coping skills. Wow. I mean really... W.O.W.

Pdoc appointment tomorrow. Not sure how that will go. :S Hi - I'm bipolar II. But I don't have any symptoms. If I get seriously messed up would you please prescribe 100 mg Lamictal? Thank you. Bye now.

LOLOL

Now celebrate with me - 3:30 and I MISSED my 2:00 sugar-craving/lethargy/depression thing. Didn't even happen. I'm going to go celebrate by eating something healthy.

I'm having a dangerous evening. I am glad I have a schedule tomorrow and a friend coming to stay.

I am having a severe issue with a dog that I can't talk about online, but it has me very stressed. I skipped lunch. Skipped dinner. Starting to feel my old pattern - TV and internet until I get tired enough to sleep and then a screwed up next day.

Complicated by an 8:30 a.m. appointment tomorrow (skipping breakfast), then an hour commute to my next appointment.... skipping lunch.

It's gonna by a long, bad stretch here for a while. :(

I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN A MOOD WHEN MY SO GETS HOME FROM HIS FISHING TRIP! :(

Doing a little better.  Had the vet appointment.  I really like the vet - a coworker or my SO and very sweet person.  That was OK.  Basically got affirmation of my concerns.  I have a tough decision, but I am going to wait until I'm not in a mood and not sleep deprived to make the decision.

My son is sick and puking today.  Sad for him.  Yuck for the mess.  But YAY!  for a chance to nap this morning!

And because he is sick, I cancelled my morning appointment (and the 2 hour commute with it!) and sent the paperwork electronically.  Then called her and talked for about 10 minutes to discuss the dog situation.  She is deeply attached to the dog which I legally own and have to make a decision about.  I realise I have no obligation to tell her, but out of respect and friendship, I am.

• Stress over sleep deprivation is gone - I can nap.
• Stress over difficult conversation with someone I car about - over.  done.
• Stress about completing paperwork - done.
• Stress about decision over the dog - postponed until I feel better.

After I get past the nap, I hope I have more energy to deal with other obligations - grocery shopping, cleaning my car, finishing painting, etc.

I'm doing better, but I am NOT in a good place.  I'll keep talking it out on the board.  (Responses would be great. )

I have another trigger I am avoiding - picking up my meds at the local pharmacy.  A new pharmacy I've never been to.  And new insurance so I am not sure if I have a copay.  Plus one more reminder of my sick little brain and messed up life.  I can't handle that today.

I guess I'm done with this thread. I started a blog, so if anyone wants to follow it, post an email address and I'll send a link. Probably want to edit your post and delete your email address as soon as I send you the blog link. :)