Thank you all for your help.
I cannot take a leave to be in hospital. It would stress me out too much of how that would look to my boss who (regrettably) knows of my illness. I have so much work to do at work and I am coming up on a year in this position. This is my life career and I have had many absences already. Coming to work today, I have made a pact to be here as much as I can and do to the best job I can. I would be a wreck if I lost this job. It is very important to me. So, hospital is such a great idea, but I just can't do it....
Lamotrigine does not sample out unfortunately, so I will be contacting pdoc when the problem is fixed about instructions of how to get back on the Lamotrigine....
Last night my nightmare got even worse.
My bf and I got into a huge fight. Probably the biggest one we've ever had in 5 years. He yelled at me and called me a hipocrate; he blamed me for our money problems. He basically made me feel like the most selfish, ungreatful, terrible human being. It caused me to hyperventilate beyond belief. I could not breathe for almost half an hour. It hurt my body to go through that and I had to call crisis. I was definitely wanting to die and I just could not get my breathing back. The person on the phone was really good; she helped me breathe and reminded me that I am not wrong....
Here is what the fight was about. My bf makes $500 more than me on every pay check. He was stressed yesterday because we run out of money between pay cheques and therefore have to use what we should have in savings. Since I started my new job, I spent $1500 on my credit card, which I now have to pay for big time. I was hypomanic during that time. Bf yelled at me last night about that. Saying that he warned me, but I went ahead and did it anyway!! He bought me a bike awhile ago, and I love it, but being depressed, it's hard for me to get out as much as I would like. But I carry guilt about it because I know I should exercise AND because he bought it for me to use, not for it to sit in the garage. Well, he threw that in my face last night saying I should sell it because I never use it. He also bought me expensive running shoes (also his idea) to enourage me to get out for walks and after I lose 20 lbs start running. They were $160. Last night he made a really mean comment about me not using those as well. Saying something I never ever said or ever would say. He said I was like "Oh, I will run but only if I get the most expensive pair of shoes out there..." I cannot tell you how much of a lie this is. I would never say something like that. I never asked for the shoes, he bought them.
What hurts me the most is:
I am not a selfish person. I always appreciate things that are given to me and financial support that he provides.
I all on my own, feel guily every single day that I cannot contribute as much as he can. I feel the guilt everday that I do not ride my bike or go for a walk.
But he made me feel so terrible about myself last night.
I do everything I can financially. I pay my part of the bills (which he feels are uneven, and they are not...he does pay more in rent, but he makes so much more than I do). I don't go shopping. I gave him my credit card to hide and keep away from me back in the fall immediately after that spree. I don't buy lunches during the week; I take my lunch to work.
My pay cheques do not go far at all; but last night it was made clear how he feels.
I am extremely wounded today. Words could not describe the pain I feel thinking about that violent panic attack I had last night. Nor can words describe the pain I feel from what was said about me last night. As if I didn't already feel my own guilt enough. I do not want to go home tonight b/c I know if he apologizes, it's going to be too hard for me to accept and that will make him angry. He hurt me so deeply last night.
I am so worried about my health right now.