I love my wife but not sure what to do. Please help

My wife and I dated for about 4 1/2 years before we decided to get married. Everything was, as they say, picture perfect for us. I was truly happy and in love with my wife (and still am now). We really got along perfectly. After we got married we wasted no time in having a baby. In Sept 07 our daughter was born. With-in 1 month there was a noticeable difference in her behavior.

Looking back it was more than likely postpartum depression. i was not very supportive of her during this time at all. I take full blame for my ignorance. I thought she was just being lazy and I hurt our relationship due to me ignorance. I really regret that part of our life.

So over the next 2 1/2 years things worsened with her. She did try counseling but our insurance got canceled when jobs were lost. It was a huge let down. I thought we were on the path to helping her finally.

Many things happened in our relationship that I wish I could back in time to do differently. I learned that on her bachelor party night my best fried of 20 years tried to have sex with her. He put his hard you-know-what in her hand while she was half passed out. She was so afraid to tell me because she thought I would choose my friend over her. She held it in for at least 2 years I think or at least a year and a half. Something like this had to be very traumatic for her.

I've read and read and read about her behaviors now and everything points to Bi-Polar type II. This morning she finally allowed herself to assist her in taking a self assessment test. I was right on my research, even the self assessment test pointed directly at Bi-Polar Type II. She has a history of mental illness in her family along with drugs and alcohol although, fortunately for us, she doesn't do any drugs and maybe drinks a few times a year. I am very proud of her about that.
\
Where I am confused is that during her swings I found out she was cheating on me. Although I am still hurt by it, this knowledge of her mood swings and potentially having Bi-Polar Type II causes me to have pause and wonder if forgiving her is the right path to choose. I do forgive and I do want to work things out. In her depressed or low states she says she wants a divorce and wants to move out. She already moved out once only to return with-in a couple months. I keep telling her I care about her, love her, value her and pretty much anything a loving, forgiving husband would do. I even started going to counseling myself to help me deal with my own shortcomings to become a better person and a better husband. In her mild hypomanic, states she tells me the opposite or even more so she shows me the opposite. She will do nice things for me, apologize, admit she wants to try to make things work etc. Each time she swings though it worsens and diminishes her ability to come back to her normal self. I feel her slipping away with each mood swing. Am i doing the right thing here guys? When she tells me she wants a divorce should I just go through with it. I really love and don't want to go through with it. She has never sent papers to me for a divorce.

She has an appointment with a psych in a week and also has her 3rd therapy appointment scheduled next week as well.

Everything I read says don't believe, or take personally what they say when they are in those states. I am really hurting and my soul is worn thin. today she also said I could do better than her and she is basically doing me a favor by getting a divorce. I told her I love her and don't want to do better. I want you to feel happy about life again and enjoy everything about your life again and that I want you, the woman I married. I reminded her of what she was like before all of this and that I KNOW that that person is still inside of her and this muck is concealing who she truly is, which is a selfless, loving, giving, happy woman. I constantly tell her I am here to support her through this and do anything I can to help her. In return I get the emotional equivalent of a kick in the balls but I tell myself this is part of the disease and not to take it personally. ANY ADVICE WOULD TRULY HELP.

Am I doing the right thing or am I just deluding myself and tricking myself into believing that our marriage can be close to whole again.

Thanks


JB

There is a nice book called "Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder"  - I highly recommend it.

It talks about setting goals, give specific exercises to do and work on, and give it 6 months before making a decision.

EVERY TIME I am depressed, I think I would do my boyfriend a favor by leaving him, driving out of state, destroying my identification and committing suicide.  EVERY TIME.  Does that make sense?  Not when I am in my right mind!  But when I am depressed, it is perfectly logical.

It is his reminders of how much he lives me that (sometimes) keep me going on those rough days.  While you wait for a diagnosis, treatment, I encourage you to get the book.  And TELL HER honestly how much she means to you, even with the mood disorder.

And you are completely right that with each mood swing, the illness gets worse!  But there is still hope!  I was totally disabled by it, and homebound.  I still can't work a traditional job, but when I take care of myself, no one could tell there is anything different.

Remember:  You cannot make her happy.  Trying to make yourself a better person will not work.  (Getting the book I mentioned and working TOGETHER has some hope, but she would need to be involved.) 

My ex-husband would try to MAKE me better.  It didn't work and the relationship turned abusive.  You can't fix her, but you can use that book to learn how to work with her and make significant improvements in your lives.

Havana I will definitely try to keep everyone updated on our status. Thanks for speaking up.

Thanks tortoise11 I will definitely buy that book right away. I always try to keep giving her reminders. Just this morning I sent her a text saying "Smile: You are very important to me"

Bill

Was your wife able to get over the pain eventually? Did it require you having to tell her all of your secrets? I have this feeling there is more she is hiding from her past. I just know it. I think she is just afraid to tell me thinking it will make things worse. Personally I would rather have all the truth out in the open so we can get past it rather than wondering if she is still lying about the past. Would it be better to just let it go and not seek out the full truth? What are your thoughts?

Daily update:

Last night she came home from work and I had some dinner ready for her when she walked in. She seemed to appreciate that. I asked her how she was feeling overall and she said "the same". We laid down in bed and chatted a bit before going to sleep. I told her about my day and she told me about hers. I told her I watched Dr Phil (I never watch that show). In that show there was a husband and wife having issues with a mother-in-law. During their discussions Dr Phil asked the husband what he liked about his wife. I told my wife that the husband didn't do a very good job of listing what he liked about his wife and that I could do a much better job than him. I proceeded to tell my wife everything I liked about her. She seemed to really appreciate that. I asked her what she liked about me and she had some very nice things to say including how supportive I am, how hard I am trying, I always am trying to help her feel better and how forgiving I am. After that I told her I don't want her to divorce me. We then proceeded to chat about mindless things and finally had a few laughs about nothing topics which was a short relief.

I sometimes get caught up in 'refilling her self esteem with positive words and reminders how important she is to me'. That takes a great deal of emotional energy for me and is really draining. It is almost a full time job keeping her head filled with words of encouragement and love and there is almost no time left to giggle and be like who we were before her illness took over. I fear that when she gets depressed and starts saying horrible things she will act on them if I don't remind her how important she is to me.

Last night was the first night in a while where she actually asked to hold me and she kissed the back of my neck a couple times before going to sleep.

 

   First, sorry it took so long to get back to you. As for coming clean no i didnt not all the way. I accepted what i did, and didnt see the need to burden her with more gory details. I had to reearn her trust, one day after another. You will never be able to be sure that you know if she came clean or not. SO instead work on dealing with what you know. Yes she cheated on you, and that sucks big time. However she wasnt in her right mind. Now if she is getting on meds, and has honestly accepted that she is both the problem and the solution, then you have a real chance of staying together and working thru this.

  

    Has my wife totally forgiven me, probally not. However i dont worry about what i did when i was out of my mind. However now that i am medicated it is completely on me whether or not i am faithful. So i judge myself from the time i was diagnosed, not what i did before. 

    ANd yes, thanks to meds i have been faithful for almost two years.

    Bill 

Huh, all to similar of a situation for me too. I still don't know what to do. Im at the point where my wifes whole family and all her friends have supported me and told me to do what's right and safe for me and especially our son. I'm even seeing a counselor right now who also agrees that it's time for me to move on and get my son away from this. Which I was blown away by, I thought for sure the counselor would try and help me to coup with this and what I needed to do to make my wife comfortable. But the counselor says the exact opposite. In hearing this from all angles of my everyday life, I still struggle with the fact that I'm giving up on my wife. That hurts more than I can even attempt to explain. But after hearing time and time again that " you can't help her, she is going to have to want to help herself " and " you're not responsible for her actions " it's at the point where we are filing for divorce.

My wife also makes it sound like she really does hate me too. A lot of it has to do with the way I handled a lot of her behavior in the beginning. Similar to you, I didnt know what to do so I got frustrated and would yell at her. At that point though in my defense it was when she would be extremely drunk and do certain things. But same principle i suppose.


Here is the thread I started a couple weeks ago. The first post was screwed up right before I posted it so the first half doesn't make sense but the meat of it is along the lines of what you are saying too. And in the end, Im still just as lost and not sure what the right decision is at this point.

https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=13&m=1847851


My wife has:

cheated,
drained our account,
and doesn't admit or want to get help at this time.

so its hard to know what to do, i feel your pain.

jason

HI Jason,

Thanks for sharing your experience. I share that feeling of being lost, hurt, confused, depressed and hopeless.

Last night she lied again about something important and I went into an emotional breakdown again. This morning she apologized and admitted again that she will continue with therapy and seeing the psychologist. Her swings can come and go so rapidly sometimes. It's like getting hit but a truck. I continue to tell her that the pain of having her here isn't as bad as having her leave. The worry that would race through my mind with her gone would be unbearable. At least f she chooses to be self destructive I would be here to step in before something terrible happened.

Hello - I am a new member here, and in fact this is my first post. I empathize with your situation! I was diagnosed 15 yrs ago -
Im 53 now. I have been getting SSA diability all these years because "my attendence is not expectable". I've been divorced for about 12 years (i'll call him Joe)

that was my second marriage. my daughter was 5yrs old - she is 26 as of today! Our first son, (now 18) was planned ... I was almost 35 when he was born. Then the shock of our 2nd son (now 17) - I was 36.

Anyway..... apply, deny, re-apply for disability: they said a "classic case of bipolar". I learned I had disthymia (milder mood disorder) all of my life. Info said with major life stresses it could become full-blown bipolar. In the next 2-3 yrs, we had sooo many of those: Births, death, changes in jobs - and moving (to a different city !). Money,my age, and postpartem were factors - but more so was the lack of support and understanding from Joe. No family or friends in the new city - and Joe was virtually Always Gone!! OK so I cracked. One night after a very long day and much sleep deprivation - taking valium as prescribed (50 mg by 1:30 a.m.) i finally got to sleep only to wake in 2 hrs to a crying baby. I immediately escalated: back to b-b-b-b . Not more valium! so I woke Joe "we have to talk" he said "now? it's 3 in the morning". I left the bedroom and called 911. I never thought of doing that until that moment. Later I knew it was because I couldn't keep my babies safe in my worsening condition. And if I wasn't there in the morning Joe would have to handle it.
In a good hospital for a week, and a psychiatrist later, I was diagnosed and got on better meds.
I was so excited to have answers and hope - Joe was just embarrased about it.

Well I tried and tried for the next year; then I got really drunk and Joe found me naked in a car with some guy. So rehab....
I became self-absorbed and for a long time and it was all about Me. Joe finally couldn't take it anymore and filed for divorce. Oh boy, what changes and pain that lead to. The stigma of Mental Illness, and the loss of credibility and financial security have been the hardest - except for missing my boys' early childhood yrs.

12 yrs later our son at age 15 was diagnosed with bp. That's when Joe FiNaLlY paid attention and saw reality. He has been TotallY supportive and "there" for our son, and learned so much about this illness. Better late than never.

My first priority everyday is to stay out of the hospital.. Next I do my best to take care of MySelf and limit the burden that is inevitable. Im blessed with a loving family, and I do all I can to avoid excess worry. They know I will call on them before I end up in the hospital; and suicide is not an option.
Sooo if those two goals are met, I then try to be a good friend - and to be helpful to the world, etc.

Ok then - it sounds like you are doing your best to understand and help your wife and save your marriage. Living with someone with a mental illness is almost as hard (or harder) than having it yourself. (these are my views and are here as suggestions only)
So what about your child? Do you do most of the parenting? What would happen if you Do get divorced? You said you are able to forgive her and see her behavior as part of the illness. At some point that might be enabling her to continue without taking responsibilty for her actions. Also - you don't want to get to the point of hate. That is the worst!
My main advice is to put your own health and mental health first, (right after what is best for kids, which is kinda the same thing). It might sound selfish, but you can't help anyone if you aren't well.
If the marriage is compromising your own mental health, I urge you to consider separation and professional counseling, and if that doesnt help - someone is gonna need to file. Uncertainty is harmful to everyone - especially children - wondering how mom is gonna be after school, or tomorrow etc., just like you probly feel.

I hope this input is of some help to you - rambling about my own experiences may have kept you from reading this far - hopefully at least you know you're not alone. Kudos to you for all the time and personal struggle you are walking thru! I know its painful and you are truly brave! you are doing great and I hope for the very best outcome for you and your family sincerely - Linda

Update:

We are having a good day today. I made her breakfast in bed and that seemed to get things started out on the right foot.

I am still bothered tremendously at her unwillingness to be an open book (cell phone records, calling to check in when she is out etc).

I keep telling myself she is still sick and once she finds balance and gets centered with therapy and maybe medication she will be more willing. Right now I am pretending it doesn't bother me that much so she won't feel my stress. I will wait until she has a regiment with medication set-up to tackle those issues. Is that a wise choice guys? Or would you be asking for those things immediately?

I am rather optimistic that she is going to counseling and willing to see a psyche about possible medication and facing upto he fact she may be Bi-Polar. I tell her it doesn't mean she is broken or less lovable. I told her today how proud of her I am and that I am lucky to have er as my wife. Just some simple compliments. I am sure Bi-polars like to have their ego stroked too. Perhaps she needs that more since she isn't well yet. But for today we are getting along. She is asking for some space to sit alone in the other room and just listen to her headphones. I am giving her that space.

Thanks for your answers and responses in advance.

JB

   You did the right thing, when it gets to violence then it's time to say enough is enough.

  That said let me say this, you did nothing wrong here. THere was nothing you could have done, no way to have loved her better, been more interesting in bed, earned more money, nothing would have prevented this. In her own way she is a victiam also. BP sneaks up on you over the course of years, slowly changing how you think and act. It would be so much easier to spot if you went to bed one night normal, and woke up the next morning BP. However that is why this desease is so dangerous, it allows you to think you are in control, and that your logic was completely correct. In the end it was all wrong.

    Medication is what allowed me to find my normal, better self. But that was a journey of 2 years and will continue till the day i die. She may be lost to you now, but that doesnt mean she will be lost to you forever. WIth the right meds we do get better. Right now my advice is first, dont make any big or rash decisions, you need time to grieve for what has happened and come to grips with it. Just take care of yourself and your family, and if it doesnt really need to be done, than let it go for now. Get lots of rest, having energy and a clear head will help you in the days to come.

   And keep posting here if you need to talk, we understand what she is going thru, and speaking for myself, helping spouses of BP people survive and recover from the wreak that is BP is one of the things that helps keep me on the path of medication and being a good husband.

  You have my deepest sympathy and all the support i and we can offer you here.

    Bill

  

Thanks Bill and Jondoe.

There are some things though I have not been good at. For one the more I try the more my controlling behaviors come out. Controlling behaviors have historically proven to push her away.

That doesn't absolve her of anything. I am coming to terms with my own shortcomings as well in life and working on them to better myself. Whether she is apart of my life or not I need to work on myself.

I wasn't very supportive of her in the beginning.


Update:

She slept at her mothers last night. Today she came by the house to watch the kids while I worked ( I am self employed ). I asked her not to file for divorce until she has at least started treatment and got on a regiment of medication. She truly believes she wants a divorce. I am just not ready to accept that at this point. I still look at her actions as a symptom of the disease and trying to not take it personally. She reluctantly agreed to wait for a while until she files.

I just hope to god her treatment help her and that she comes back to me a happier girl who still loves me and wants to be with me. She was such a good girl for so many years until her illness started.